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Awakening into love
I recently had one of my most profound and enjoyable mushroom trips to date.
I recently had one of my most profound and enjoyable mushroom trips to date.
Background: The name given to me at birth by my parents is Steven. I am currently 26 years old, male, and weigh 160 lbs. I've eaten psilocybin mushrooms on about 20-30 different occasions. All of those experiences have been with Cubensis mushrooms except two, where I ate wild picked azurescens. A typical dose of cubensis for me is 1/8th of an ounce (3.5 grams), but I've eaten as much as 4.5 grams in one go. Mushrooms have been of enormous benefit to me in my life. At the time of my first trip I considered myself an agnostic. Since then, I've been unable to deny the existence of the thing which people refer to as God (or Allah, Jah, Yeweh, Love, Consciousness, etc.)-although still don't claim to know what God is exactly- and I've been practicing Buddhism recently. This past trip was my first trip in about two months.
Setting: I bought an ounce of cubensis from a friend for very little money at the beginning of a party he was throwing at the co-op where he lives. The house is inhabited by very chill, very tolerant individuals (tolerant to psychedelic drug use anyway). There was a keg of hefeweissen at the party
Onset: I ate a couple stems and caps before anyone else arrived- if I had to guess, I'd say about two grams. Within about 40 minutes, my body began to feel light ("body buzz"), and I could see moving fractal patterns in the carpet and on the wall- pretty typical during the onset of my trips. I felt a bit nauseous- also typical. I went downstairs and drank a little beer, which settled my stomach and took the edge off. I continued to eat mushrooms throughout the evening- both from my bag and from the sides of the bowl my friend used to make mushroom chocolates. At some point my friend JT arrived. We have tripped together several times, and the trips I've had with him have been some of the best. He ate some shrooms, and I ate some more and we spent the rest of the night hanging out and talking about Buddhism and spirituality.
Peak: The peak of my trip came when I was hanging out in front of the house with JT and some other people. Many of them were drunk. A few of them were also tripping. There is a garden and a few trees in the front of the house. I first realize I'm peaking when I close my eyes and see very vividly an image which looks kind of like a computer screen going berserk. I remember seeing a series of symbols representing playing cards appear and change (for example, it may have been J'club' K'spade' Q'heart' 10'club'), which then transformed into an intricate series of interconnected multicolored spirals moving in a sort-of clockwork fashion. I can't really describe it any better than that, and won't try to because the image doesn't really seem that important- but it was incredibly vivid, and re-appeared each time I closed my eyes during what seemed like the next two hours. At that time, tears began flowing down my cheeks, and my heart felt filled to the brim with love. There was a lot of drama going on around me among the drunk people at the party. I remember sitting there and observing everything from a totally impartial place- I remember feeling no judgment for those around me. I felt only love. At one point, this drunk guy rated me a "one" on his "consciousness scale." I could only smile because I knew that he had no idea how completely aware and conscious I was at the time- despite the fact that I was probably grinning like an idiot and saying nothing.
Then I began talking to JT about the beauty of mathematics. I had majored in math when I was in college, and at that time was contemplating how mathematics is sort of like the programming language of the illusion of physical reality. This line of thinking was spurred by the highly organized patterns behind my eyelids.
A little later, JT and I were talking to this very animated dude who was shrooming, but who had been drinking a lot before eating the shrooms. JT and I seemed to be in very much the same place- very high, but very very calm. Very much in the moment. JT repeatedly attempted to bring this other dude into the moment as well- whenever he'd discuss past events of his life JT would ask "well what about right now?" He also spoke a great deal of the power and omnipresence of Love. I felt a little frustrated by the fact that this third dude was a little bit more frenetic and disorganized than I or JT, but mostly I just felt love for him. I could experience everything around me as a manifestation of love- existence seemed to flow easily, and I felt no discomfort. I felt my awareness settle into my body and into my environment. I could see the beauty in everything- from the blue of the early dawn sky, to the chirping of the birds, to the leaves of the trees- even the woman crying and kicking in the door. I felt completely content and wanting nothing. Simply sitting and breathing in the dawn air felt like enough.
Words can't fully capture how I felt. Infinite love, total awareness, the wonder of experience, the awesome beauty of creation. I felt as if I was awakening into pure love each time I opened my eyes. I remember feeling a little bit of frustration at the time that I could find no words in my vocabulary that I could use to communicate my experience to a person who had not already had the same experience. At one point I exclaimed "I choose not to use words for a while." JT and I sat and looked around. At one point we began staring into each other's eyes, smiling. I remember thinking his face looked like that of Buddha Shakyamuni. After about 20 sec of that, we both began laughing, and started talking again.
The come down: As we were coming down, our conversation shifted from the topic of infinite love, compassion and consciousness to the frustration that comes with attachment to the things we love. This mainly focused around the environment. JT and I know each other from having worked for the same environmental organization. He expressed frustration at the fact that the world is dying more rapidly than it needs to. I said I shared his frustration, but also said I felt like it's important not to become too attached to the world. Just like our bodies must die, so must the planet die as well. I said that I felt like the best thing I could do for the planet is continue to develop myself as a vehicle for love, or something to that effect. Soon after that he went home to get some sleep as we were planning on going to a festival the next day. As I continued to comedown, I became aware of the sense of loss that was developing within me as I settled back into my "everyday" state of consciousness. I allowed myself to feel the loss- maintaining my presence in the now. I eventually fell asleep and woke up a couple of hours later. I was a bit restless when I woke up- with a strong desire to communicate my experience to somebody- realizing that there was no way I could accurately put it into words.
What I got out of the experience: In the end, it served to inspire me to continue with my meditation practice. This inspiration is two-fold. First, I believe that through meditation it is possible to reach states of consciousness similar to the trip I had through meditation, and I would like to be able to do so- and believe doing so would be of great benefit to not only myself but all other beings I encounter. Second, one of the primary goals of Buddhist meditation practice is to alleviate suffering through the letting go of attachments. My experience of coming down was a beautiful example of how attachment (to the high) leads to suffering (the sense of loss I felt when coming down).
I feel such gratitude for the infinite and omnipresent love that is creating the universe as I type this. May all those who read this come to experience the love and beauty that exist within and around us at all times.
Praise Be to the Most High
OM MANI PEME HUNG
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