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First Trip Alone 3 dried grams

Seeing myself from the most obvious vantage point into eternity

The beginning of this is explaining how events led up to this trip. If you don't care to know that scroll down and there will be this: TRIP START HERE thats where the trip starts. I do think its appropriate to read the lead up but however you want to read the story is great. 

I have been interested in psychedelics (more specifically psilocybin (magic) mushrooms) for a pretty long time. And every time I decide I want to do them or something catches my interest about them, inadvertently causing me want to have another experience Ill usually try and find some. 

Ill ask everyone I know that I know is chill to ask and 99% of the time its no. So after a while I realized that you don't really find these mushrooms, they find you. 

I want to talk about my most recent trip, which just so happens to be yesterday. I had been reluctant but somewhat interested in having another experience these last few months. It was definitely less actively trying to get them and just wondering what they would be like now. When I say now I mean the last time I tried a psychedelic was LSD summer of 2013. And that was before so much stuff happened in my life. My whole belief system has changed and I have a lot more knowledge and spiritually aware than I was.  I was curious to see how I would handle a trip with this new mindset.

It all started when I texted my friend N if he was coming home for winter break. He said he was and I asked him if he was going to do shrooms over winter break because he told me he was going to at some point in the past. He said he had them and was planning on it. I asked him if the guy he got it from had any. Long story short he I ended up getting this dealers number and we decided we would meet somewhere in phoenix the next weekend. 

The next weekend roles around and I end up house sitting. This guy was able to end up dropping the 3 grams of dried mushrooms to the place I was house sitting. It was perfect. It was easy. It felt right. 

So now that I had them i kept thinking "Ok, so when am I going to do these?". A couple weeks later I had the idea of doing them over new years. The day came around and I woke up and immediately knew it wasn%u2019t right. 

I then decided I would do it the first new moon of 2016 which ends up being January 9th. I planned on this day.

4 days before trip day, I hang out with my friend N and B. We go to this spot in the desert and smoke and they were drinking. They took me to this spot in the desert where there was an outdoor room/sanctuary made of sculptures of stacked rocks. It was breathtaking. Someone made this place just for me I kept thinking. We started smoking and I got this interesting vision of 2D swirly thing the most obvious closed eye visual I have ever had smoking weed. I started thinking that I wanted to take the shrooms there. 

My plan was to drive to this spot, take the shrooms at 3:33pm and get an uber home half way through my trip so I could be home. 

The night before, I was not feeling good. I felt scared, and disappointed and I had some ringing in my ear that I didnt want to happen while I was tripping. 

The day came and got ready drove to this place, and there was a bunch of people there. It didnt feel right so I drove back home. 

By this point I was becoming really anxious and nervous about it, but I didnt want to back out. 

I called my friend C as I got home because I was so anxious about it. 


I guess I was just going to do them in my room. I got home, put Hercules on, and waited til the time 3:33, and I chewed each dried mushroom up and swallowed it. The last was very familiar and I remember the taste always playing some roll in the trip in some vibrational way. 

At first, I continued watching Hercules, anxiously waiting for the first tell tail signs of the moving into the 'mushroom space'. I hadn't eaten much that day and ate a nice salad the day before, so I was anticipating feeling the effects very quick. Every time I take mushrooms I usually feel a calmness and ease wash over me almost immediately. This time I didnt really feel that. I was to anxious to feel that. I started to notice very small things and I felt myself move closer and closer to the threshold. At this point I paused Hercules and started to meditate. I closed my eyes, began to breath deeply, and then I started to feel this coldness up my back and around my neck. Very subtle but it felt like if you ever eat to much sugar and you get that cold sensation along with maybe some moisture on your cheek bone area. It was like that but it would move slowly throughout my body. As I am continuing to breath deeply and calm myself, My head starts moving involuntarily slightly back, and slightly forth. I could stop it and control my head if I wanted to but if I just relaxed, my head would move slightly forward and slightly back. It was the strangest feeling. It felt like if you ever have little moments where your leg will just softly cramp for a second. It felt like the muscle tissue was flexing very softly in a very specific muscle or group of muscles. I felt like a consciousness was entering my field. At this point I thought that was pretty interesting. The over all feeling was like I was moving inevitably closer and closer to this familiar space I had gone to before. It was a 'vibrational room' or a space that was familiar in every LSD or mushroom trip I had ever had. As I feel the effects become stronger and stronger and as the psilocybin interacted with with more and more of my serotonin receptors, I began to approach the doorway of this room. I metaphorically took a step in this room and it felt like putting half of your body in freezing water, not literally, but meaning that it felt like such an overwhelmingly foreign energy it could be compared to putting half your body in a cold shower but multidimensionally and merging into this mushroom space. At this point I decided to lay down and relax. My body became fuzzy and heavy. My sense of gravity was starting to shift and my balance was disoriented. I laid down and closed my eyes. As I lay there I see these two waves of energy in my mind. One was coming from one side of my closed eye field of vision, and one from another. They were 3 dimensional waves that resembled clay in their texture, and water color like colors. These waves would crash together and combine and swirl. It is so difficult to recall what happened sequentially because I don%u2019t really know the order of what happened. I had my eyes closed most of the trip so It was all a really internal experience. I remember it felt like I picked up everything that I was and saw everything that I was and believed in and was molding it and playing with it from this completely different dimensional 'mushroom space'. The waves were metaphorically and archetypally representing the true nature of who I was. I was perceiving myself at this higher level, at such a fundamental and highly energetic and high frequency way. It was different than I had ever perceived myself before. 

I got to this place where I didnt know what to do with myself. I remember that always being a thing. I didnt know what to do with myself. I started watching Matt Kahn, and everything he was saying was tripping me out way too much because I didnt really understand it and I was just receiving the energy from it and looking at everything in that way I was receiving the energy. Matt Kahn is all about letting yourself feel things you don't want to feel and at the time it was this idea of "how can I give others a better experience of me" How may I serve you. 

I kept thinking that in my mind asking myself how I can give the mushrooms a better experience of me. And it kept showing me things that were about me that I hadn't really faced. They were all metaphorical and archetypal there was nothing really blatenly obvious, no guide that was walking me though anything in a linear and clear way, it was all metaphorical and telempathically understood what was happening. 
Because I was perceiving reality with the main points being: Whats important? What can I take from this? How can I remember this? Surrendering to the moment. This was the lens that I saw everything through. And everything I thought and felt, was being perceived through the lens of those main ideas, and a constantly shifting and morphing visual fractal like symbolic representation of whatever I was addressing and looking at. It had more information within it because it was a changing fractal of different things depending on what was being looked at. 

I remember feeling into the unpleasantness of it and surrendering to what the mushrooms wanted to show me. I was faced with this idea of surrender and letting go what felt like an infinite amount of time. Speaking of time, the only way to measure this time was based on a different set of rules. Regularly, If you are sitting, thinking without knowing the time for 30 minutes, you will have a pretty decent guess that it has been 30 minutes. On mushrooms, the process of your thoughts are cohesive with the fractal shapes that you are seeing. The fractal shapes are almost a symbolic visual idea of the nature of your thoughts. So this fractal that is moving and breathing and oscillating in and out into and out of infinity was how my thoughts were, but it still felt like how my normal conscious thinking works. I could still say things to myself in my head, but the resolution to whatever I said would happen instantaneously and infinitely until I had to give in to the mushrooms again and again and again with every passing thought. Every breath was a new surrender. The infinite nature of my thoughts disallowed me to hold on to anything. It was like trying to hold onto monkey bars with olive oil on your hands. 

Looking at the time on my phone or on the xbox was not helpful, the best thing that help me with time was the sun. I knew that when the night got darker, the experience would be coming to a close, because it felt like it was never going to end. Every second was infinitely moving into itself and I was riding every second's infinite wave. I realized at some point that the reason this substance is valuable is because it teaches you that it and so many things are just unnecessary and the real beauty in life is experiencing this (how we soberly see the world) just how things are without any change of consciousness with any substance. It showed me how absolutely amazing reality is. How amazing it is to feel how I feel every day and live what I get to live, and move how I move and problem solve how I do, and communicate and everything. I realized that the only reason taking mushrooms was valuable to me at this time was to show me that I don't need to take the substance, or really anything. Its a paradoxical message. You have to take the substance to learn that you don%u2019t need it. I don't need anything. It was a beautiful thing to feel and get to. As I tossed and turned trying to find comfort while riding this ride out, I kept reaching for my water jug which took on a different texture, shape and feeling every time I grabbed it to take a gulp of water.

As I reached my peak, which seemed like an infinitude of lessons, surrender, and lesson, I got to a point where I was feeling the pain and suffering of humanity. I was feeling the pain that we all go through. The raw carnal pain. The more I felt it the more It took physical shape in my mind as a symbolic representation of colors and waves of energy that looked like transparent clay of two polarizing forces swirling and dancing as one single idea. I felt union between the polarities. It was the idea of positive and negative, male and female, right and wrong, good and bad, ect. It was all being represented as one thing, one idea, one visceral feeling and sense. I realized that the pain is what connects us. It is that deep seeded pain that all of existence experiences is what connects us. It was beautiful. It sounds like a not very fun experience but it was absolutely fascinating and enlightening. This deep seeded carnal pain that we all have is the same deep seeded carnal beauty and love we all have, its the same substance, its the same thing and that one idea is what connects us all. We all have that carnal struggle and battle cry, and we all have that explosion of love and ecstasy. But its actually the same exact thing just being perceived from different vantage points. The mushrooms were showing me that acknowledging the pain in myself gave me the ability to experience bliss and love on a deeper level because all of the single idea was now in view and being acknowledged. Acknowledging the pain in my heart that is always there and a part of everything, was acknowledging the light and love in my heart. And acknowledging the light and love in my heart, was acknowledging the pain. It was a multidimensional sentient experience of the ying and the yang in context with humanity and the fungi kingdom. 
Later on, I was communicating with C's dogs and I just pet them with this deep seeded understanding of the pain they were in and the same love that it was and how it was the same as mine. I felt so deeply connected to these animals and so much appreciation for who and what they were as perfect creations dancing in form as a part of who I am. But more on what happened at C's house later.

Its important to say that at this point it was dark outsideI had spent the whole trip in bed in the fetal position with my eyes closed most of the time. I am still in bed soon after I peak, and I got to a point where I felt the urge to pee. he urge was so fluid and it was like the immediate build up of energy and I just had to get up to pee. It was so graceful and beautiful how my body let me know what was going on and what it wanted. Getting up was so weird. I couldn't believe I was actually getting up and walking at first I almost thought I was just imagining that. I kept forgetting I was moving in the moment when I was moving. I think moving really helped me because it got me more in my body. I got up and went to the bathroom and on my way walking felt really weird but really beautiful and soft, I felt like I just didnt want to disturb anything. I remember when I was looking at my psi wheel earlier in the trip, I was thinking how perfectly perfect life is, and I don't have to do anything or control it in any way it was perfect just as it was. As I was walking I just had this energy and sense that I didnt want to disturb anything. I didnt want to disturb life. I felt honored to be in such an amazing place and I wanted to respect it. I got to the toilet and pulled down my pants and started peeing. I was so relaxed and I felt like I was peeing in the perfect way for my body. I flushed and the flusher felt like it was moving infinitely in space in a flexible warp as I pushed down and bounced up back slowly when I released. I turned around and looked in the mirror. I immediately saw my face warping and showing me all the different lives and versions of myself warp and stretch my face. I saw the emerging of scales but I didnt look at myself long enough to see it happen because I knew it was going to show me a reptilian or alien life version of me. I just thought immediately that I knew what was being shown to me. I walked back in my room and turned on the lights. I called connor and this is when I started to come down. 

Coming down is the funnest part of the trip. You are so excited that you are actually coming back to reality finally because you have seen how perfect and beautiful reality is, and you are finally back and emerging from this metaphorical psychedelic womb and when you get there it feels like you were birthed again. It feels like you are seeing everything for the first time and everything is so beautiful. It is really fun having a blending of the two realities come together. I called C and I was just so happy to talk to him and tell him what I was feeling. I don't remember what I was saying but he told me he was outside at some point and I was so excited to be feeling more in reality and so excited to move forward. I got my shoes on and my water, walked down stairs and greeted my everyone downstairs. I was surprisingly natural and acted fine. I walked outside and gave connor a hug. I get in his car and it was so crazy driving down the street. I remember in traffic I could feel the collective idea of traffic and I could feel every car that past me so viscerally. I could feel each person driving and passing us and I could feel exactly how it was working and moving. It was so cool and so wild. I could feel how all road rage was was people not trying to disturb one another, and people feeling like they were being disturbed. It was beautiful though because it was the same thing as that carnal idea I had earlier about the ying and the yang. Everything was being shown to me in that context. Everything revealed a deeper pain and a deeper love that were two sides of the same infinite clay energetic coin so to speak. I got to C's house and was having a really nice come down. I was saying a lot of things and he showed me his hoverboard. Standing on this thing was so cool. I felt so relaxed on it and it felt so good. Then we started to play music I got on the piano and I remember playing it felt like I was feeling the consciousness of the piano and everything I played was just another vibration in the spectrum of the pain-love carnal duality mesh. It was showing me how it was connected to me, it was giving itself to me and it was so beautiful. The rest of the night more things happened and I thought much more things but it was very light and fun. Nothing really heavy or serious. It was a really fun come down. I ended the trip at safeway and feeling the calmness and stillness and freshness of life and reality.

The major lessons that I learned from this experience is I don't need any substance, in fact if I take substances, their job is to overall show me I don't need them. Another would be this uncanny idea of duality that showed me how everything is connected and how beautiful the acknowledgment of pain is, how beautiful it is to feel each other on that level. It also showed me a sense of surrendering to the infinite nature of every moment, and to not try and hold on to anything and to just let the infinite moment happen and let it slip away. Communicating with people with the understanding that acknowledging the pain and deep seeded struggle and acting from that place created such a beautiful conduit of the deepest sense of reality and that love we all want, which is the same as the acknowledgement of pain we all want to be acknowledged.

Its like some people fall in love with someone and experience a communion with the deepest seeded feeling of love in themselves as a reflection in someone else, and a lot of times that brings the deepest seeded corresponding pain because the love is revealing that synergy between the pain and love which helps you acknowledge the pain in the moment you are experiencing that feeling of deep love. Once we feel both and allow ourselves to feel both pain and the love our field and experience becomes so much more balanced, pure, clean, and amazing. 

Beautiful experience that I will never forget.

PS there is a good amount I left out. During my closed eye visuals of 3D infinity fractals, they would take on the archetypes and looks of insects, eyes, and faces. I would see faces on Matt Kahn (this spiritual teacher I was watching youtube videos of) and eyes on him and stuff.

Thanks for reading. This felt really important that I share this and I hope you can relate this to your experience or in any other way this is valuable. There is so much more I could elaborate on but I would be here for days explaining it all. I have a video made of me talking about my experience that I will put up on youtube eventually so if you want to see it let me know! Thanks so much for reading and lots of love!

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