Life, Love, Infatuation

Dear A****, 

So I went to the MCAD art sale. I found myself going in with the intention, I am going to buy something. I am going to get me some art today, hang it on my wall, and feel really cool about supporting an artist or this school or whatever because I am a good person. Completely absurd intentions going in. I start on the first floor and I am flying through this thing. Every piece of art has a price tag on it. I quickly scan the art and am like, “Hey looks cool, damn $400 yeah right, ok none of these are worth spending money on, oh that one is cool, but for $350 I don’t think so, ok on to floor 2 maybe something there…” my eyes going, art, price tag, art, price tag, art, price tag, art, price tag etc. Expectation, value judgement, expectation, value judgement, expectation, value judgement, etc. STOP STOP STOP what the hell is happening here? I was not even giving the art a chance. I was not appreciating it at all. My expectations in the beginning were ridiculous and everything having a value attached to it made it impossible for me to be present with the art and appreciate it. To just be present and appreciate what it was. No plans for the future. No, you have to pass my ideas of value for me to open up and make an investment in you. Just be here and appreciate this art for what it is. And then it hit me…DAMN…I totally did this with A****.

We all have this inner voice. I guess it is a feeling and then interpreting the feeling gives voice, and then I would consider that intuition. This is an inner compass that guides our lives. It is all we really have to guide our lives in a direction to find and express our personal reason for being.  Sometimes people are really in tune with there inner compass and they trust it and they sail forward in whatever direction it is pointing. Sometimes people have problems finding the compass or they do not trust it. Maybe they refuse to follow it because it is in the opposite direction of what their external influences tell them (society, parents, etc.). At points in my life I thought I was for sure following it, then I had an experience (for example traveling, psychoactives,  relationships) that completely destroys it. Pieces scatter everywhere, leaving me with no idea of what is happening, where I am, who I am.

The first time this happened was the first time I met a psychoactive. It was the first break away from going in the direction of where all of the external forces were pushing me. The experience revealed my inner compass for the first time. All the feelings of, “I don’t really think this is the right direction” were justified as my inner compass was pointing a different way. It was actually quite delightful and set me on the long path.

There were other times where the experience got deeper and my inner compass was destroyed. This was not just societies direction or external influences, this was my heart compass, my soul compass, my internal personal shit compass. Those moments were frightening and often heartbreaking. Especially after doing a lot of work. Personal development is work but there is not really any indication that any of it is working. We can say, “Hey, I feel great and so much better.” Then shit hits the fan and maybe you fall back into a bad habit or pattern and its like, NOOOOOOOO all that work I did was for nothing? Am I really the same person after all of those experiences? Some dark nights of the soul when this happens.

This was especially tough when first shedding the cultural compass in an attempt to follow my own. I am a bit crazy internally and have absurd ideas of what life should be. Where I want to go is basically not even a direction that societies compass points too. It is like the dark forest, maybe some people know about it, but people keep their distance and don’t go there. Most people cannot believe I am not an attorney even though I graduated from law school. Like, they cannot even fathom the idea.  So when that internal compass broke those first few times, it was like, shit… maybe everybody else is right… I can’t do this… I am so stupid for thinking this way…

It is tough when things break at that deep level. The foundation gets destroyed and there is nothing else to do but build again. Some difficult times but it has always, always, always been for the better. The foundation only breaks if it is not solid. No one can build their lives on sand. It will not stand. Even if it does it will not stand for long or it will always be in a state of instability. Every time the compass breaks it is a chance to check the foundation. Get rid of the garbage and only keep what is solid.

At this point I have had enough experience and have done enough work to have laid a solid foundation to fall back on when things go south. Those first few times though, there was basically nothing. I was really lucky to have had this “Exit from the mainstream” with S****. We gave each other the space and support to be weird. No telling where I would be without that support (we have heart to hearted on this and will forever be connected).

Over the last several years my compass has led me all over the world and I have had loads of amazing experiences and relationships. It is not a dark forest, it is the light, it is literally where everything is. All the wonder, mystery, and magic is alive and well. I see where the compass is pointing and I have faith so I follow it the best I can. Everything I do is with my mission in mind. This destiny fuels my everyday. I imagine a future of being abroad and spending most of my time in the States at festivals. Learning, writing, sharing (+ millions of other things).

Sometimes in the thick of the forest it is easy to lose direction but I trust my compass to take me where I need to go. The few times I really got lost is with women. My most serious and influential relationships have been with S**** and Al***. Both have had incredibly positive effects on me. Relationships have proven really important to bring me out and I am so grateful for both of these people in my life. Its harder to hide in your shit when someone else is there. We have gone through so much together and I count S**** and Al**** in my closest friends and allies.

On the monogamous level the relationships ran their course. Towards the end, the relationships overtook my identity and it was like being lost in the forest and going away from where the compass was pointing. I realized that there was no way I would get to where I wanted to go with this person by my side in the capacities we were in at the time. We were young after all.

Once things click for me, I move at an absurd pace. I want everything, I am going to hustle my ass off and I am going to fly. To have a partner that moves at a different pace and in a different general direction? It can only last for so long before it falls apart. After Al**** I vowed to never get into a relationship until I was already flying, until I was bringing my craft and heart to the world. I’m not trying to be cocky, but when I bring it, people tend to get a little infatuated. I have a learned tendency to hold back and my plan was basically not to talk to anyone while I was building.

An aside: my concept of relationship has busted wide open in the last several months and the beauty of an alternative relationship clicked for me. Individuals with strong identities that “get it.” We are committed to self actualization and just hearing these peoples stories I already have a level of trust and intimacy with them because I know they know what’s up. I love these people from my deepest self without even meeting them. We are on the same frequency. To come together and share love, support, openness, respect, etc. And then keep the individual identity and mission. It could be totally effortless and beautiful. I’ve read more about this and feel it could be so natural for me considering my personality and where I am going.

Back to the MCAD art sale. There were two facets that made it impossible for me to appreciate the art; expectations coming in and value attached to the art. I don’t know why, but before ever meeting you I felt that we were going to have some interesting interaction. This goes years and years back, maybe I saw you in the distance at a party one time. I don’t really remember when or where or if I even talked to you, but you came into my consciousness and the compass was pointing directly at you and was like, “Oh yeah dude, that woman right there, there is going to be some business there.” There has been a spot there for years. A feeling of unfinished business.

I was getting ready to leave Nepal and you were in my consciousness when I was making my next plans to travel abroad. I was literally thinking, “I am going back to the states to get A****.”  It’s not that I was in love with you and I hope you don’t feel any pressure to perform because I had these thoughts. I hadn’t even met you at the time. I knew I was coming out again and I thought it would be so cool to have you along to share the experiences.

I guess it was wanting the best of both worlds. The adventure of abroad with the solidness and safety of back home. Someone that was integrated and I knew would have my back so we could stretch the adventure out further. You were not just the ideal candidate, you are really the only one from back home I could imagine bringing. Maybe a selfish idea to want you to be part of my story but they were thoughts so I am sharing.

This was not like you need to save up money and maybe you could come, but… you have to realize I am not a normal person with normal experiences and especially not the typical person from Minnesota. My plan was always to pull extra $ to bring you with. I know you think I think about $ a lot. I’ve tried my dream twice and it didn’t work out because I did not have enough cash. I’ve come back twice and sat in the shop straight off the plane after traveling for an extended period…it sucks. It is a hit on the compass, a hit on the confidence, and a third time is completely unacceptable to me.

I am exiting $ as a concept in my life but after the Himalayan experience I want enough in case shit hits the fan on the way out.  The compass had led me to a dark and cold lake called money with my dreams on the other side. I was leaving Nepal and I knew I was about to jump in, I took one last look, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and jumped into the abyss.

Honestly, I did not even want to see you in America while I was preparing and never really reached out (maybe once?). My life abroad and my life in Minnesota is like night and day. Writing this is weird because this is in big time reconciliation (see below) but there is (was?) certain blocks that cloud my identity and personality when I am here. My light still shines through to some degree and people here like me a lot but I do sometimes think, come see me in the swing of India, surrounded by my people, and doing what I love.

That extra A**** budget included getting you separate accommodations for a couple years so we could actually have a chance to meet. I would be normal and you would have time and space to go through your process and get comfortable.  This was all before even meeting you. I don’t know if I ever thought it was actually going to happen and I hope you don’t get sensitive by knowing these things. They were just thoughts of ideas of what could make the best story and a little extra motivation to work harder.

You started talking to me at a weird time, not even going to get into it but I was deep in that abyss. Then this light came into my life, a breath of air. I was lifted above the abyss. I didn’t think it was the right time but you were right there and it was so easy to interact. I thought maybe it was the time we were going to build the ship outta here. The $ was going well and I was pushing the universe for the next step. My intuition had been pointing at you for a long time and I admit I filtered the facts to make it fit the narrative. I was like, damn dude, we could go from zero to flying in a year. Maybe a tangible opportunity of something really exciting would bring you some motivation or help with the realization that there is not all the time in the world. It would be like a line of cocaine to your life or something.

I am a simple person. Simpler = easier = more possible = possibilities open up. I made very simple calculations. We are alternative + we share deep interests + I liked you + we started a nice physical connection + I would take care of the $ + you liked me = this story could actually happen, let’s go do it.

You mention an interest in exploring consciousness and sexuality, India is on the itinerary. Interested in Massage and the body? Add Chiang Mai. Ayahuasca, medicinal plants and herbs? Add Prague and Peru. Festivals? Add LiB, Burning Man, Shambhala, plus the bunch I just found abroad. To me all this was as simple as setting a date. 11/8/16. That is the date to join the rest of the world and adventure into the mystery, magic, and wonder of it all.

So when we started hanging out I had all this baggage with me. I had all of these expectations and value judgements attached to our interactions. I wasn’t hearing what you were sharing and I was not present in the moments, only selfishly assessing if that story I had created could actually happen. Is A**** ready to do this? Is she baggage that will slow me down? Am I just taking on a rescuer role? Am I ready to sacrifice my individual identity? Will this person die abroad? Is this person worth $__k? Blah, blah, blah, bullshit. You had no chance.

These expectations and value judgements prevented me from being fully present. I appreciated and cherished every moment in your company but I never gave anything. I never even let you know. On top of that I was so concerned about being disciplined, thinking “I can not break another woman’s heart, especially not A****’s.” I never had one moment of full openness without reservation. I was always holding back. Not even one fully passionate kiss.

After you came over for your birthday the feeling was too much to contain. I was finally ready to drop it and bring my authentic energy, an excitement I was overflowing with. It was like I was a kid running out to play, and then I got to the playground and no one was there. I was too late. I tried to keep it tight, but everything after that moment was a reaction to rejection. And it was not just like I got rejected by a random chick I hooked up with a few times. The whole opportunity of that story had been rejected. I know it is selfish, but I had lost the only person on this planet that I could manifest that dream with. Maybe bits and pieces will come to life in the future, just in a different way.

It never felt right again but I tried to force the experience and hold on to you anyway I could in order to salvage something. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf7ZePNuus0&index=3&list=LLrd999UNwoSCrOkt59VY7qA) Out of the storm of reaction there was only one moment of calm I could think of. It was when you came over and we were embracing in my bed. I let go of everything and got immersed in bliss. There could be nothing else. I had done Molly a couple days prior and our embrace was much more intense. I’ve only had one other moment like that in my life.
At some point there was a combination of events, I got sick, the weather had turned, and the gravity of the rejection was hitting its deepest. It was like a brick to the head. I wanted to make myself really busy so I did not have to think about anything but I got sick and the universe was like, “No man. You cannot run away. You are going to have to sit here and be in your shit for a little bit.” I had the feeling of unfinished business for years, my heart was on fire, and the possibility of this story was too exciting….but it was so clearly not happening. The compass smashed and I fell deep.

After doing so much work and having so many experiences, this was a tough one. How could I possibly be the same person? Minnesota is like the land that time forgot. Everything is exactly how I left it 8 years ago. Sometimes I get immersed and forget I had any experiences at all. That is what happened here. Things looked bad in the dust of the drama and I was sure I was going to have to start over again. Some dark nights of the soul. It had been a long time to visit this place.

As the dust cleared I saw I still had solid foundation to fall back on. So much garbage got shook loose and I saw my authentic identity sitting there. It sucks that things happened the way they happened and it is a shitty feeling to get a brick to the head, but a brick to the head was exactly what I needed. I was finally able to let go of some stuff and the Universe was waiting, it was like, “Finally! You are getting out of your shit, let’s  dance again!” Once I let go, everything opened up and the universe showered me with love and support.

From teaching yoga I was getting the lesson of not holding back and being fully confident and comfortable to authentically brining what I bring. It feels safer to hold back but it is just damn fear. Fear of giving up control and letting someone inside, showing vulnerability and allowing for the opportunity for someone to reject or ridicule. It is a very old and a very deep habit for me and I know it has been holding me back for a long time. Keeping me docile and moving at half speed. That brick to the head finally shook that shit loose at its deepest roots.

The thing that sticks with me is that I never brought myself out to play, we never really met. I had every opportunity and I let it slip away. I never brought my energy. I was either holding it back or I was frantically reacting to rejection.  I will never feel a burn of missed opportunity like that again. There is not enough time to hold back or live in reactions. There is no, in the states vs abroad for me anymore. Every day is an opportunity to fly.

It has been an absolute ball lately. I’m bringing such damn fire to everything.  I opened up in all of my relationships and they are in best state they have ever been in. I am working less and building an identity in Minnesota separate from work. More and more I find myself bringing my energy, the energy of the third star to the left on your right! I have found my excitement in Minnesota!

I write this as an ode of appreciation. The brick to the head was needed to shake me loose and I am so grateful. It has opened a new chapter in my life. It has been an immeasurably beneficial experience and I can only hope that your association regarding me isn’t one of discomfort, hesitation, or negativity. I’ve released the attachments and expectations and I sincerely hope you are doing really well in your path. You will always have a positive place in my heart.

With love until our paths cross again,

SaiBlack - Delightfullypleasure.me