The Miracle of Mind Loss

This is the story of the very first time I ever smoked DMT. The trip took place on November 8, 2015 at approximately nine o clock pm. At the time I’m 19 years old and with four friends that I’ll call N, B, and J. We are at N’s house in his room. These are friends that I’ve known for years and completely trust. They all understand like me that DMT is not a “fun” drug and that it is indeed a seriously powerful spiritual experience that should be treated with the utmost reverence. I had tripped before with N and B on mushrooms twice and acid once but of course DMT tripping isn’t social in any way and none of us dosed at the same time either. So initially I built the machine out of a 2 liter Sprite bottle with two sheets of aluminum foil and duct tape. I didn’t want to mix it with the good herb because I heard that it can slightly fog the effects and I really just wanted to have a raw experience with the DMT. Before I began to prepare my sacrament I briefly meditated on the fact that I was about to do DMT. I did some breathing exercises while acknowledging that while I could never be fully prepared for what was about to happen to me, I was as prepared as I could be in the sense that I was ready to completely surrender to something that went above and beyond myself. I was extremely excited but at the same time very nervous. This felt like it was a healthy balance of emotions.

It didn’t work very well when I heated it up in the bottle, a good amount of the vapor escaped out the sides because I was kind of sloppy with the foil and the tape. There was still a small amount of vapor built up in the bottle but I didn’t feel like it was enough for me to get a good enough hit so J who initially wasn’t going to do any DMT that night decided he’d try that small amount rather than waste what was already there. The way he inhaled it was slow and smooth like he was drinking it out of the bottle. After he finished it he laid back in N’s bed, closed his eyes and laid very still. B asked him if he was feeling anything and J replied with “I don’t really understand it.” A chill ran up my spine as he said that, knowing that while he certainly didn’t break through he was still feeling something that went beyond what our minds can understand. As he was lying down I prepared my dose in the the machine which I had slightly improved by cutting out the fat bottom part and double taping the foil. J came back and said that he didn’t have any kind of outer body experience but he definitely did feel a presence. One that almost had a way of communicating that he wasn’t ready at that moment. 

I heated the substance up, watching as the bottle filled up with thick vapor a good deal more than the first time. I figured it was filled enough so after lying down on the bed I uncapped it and quickly inhaled. The harshness of the smoke hit me more than anything. I laid back and closed my eyes expecting to be thrown into hyperspace but not much happened except my heart rate went up incredibly fast and I felt a very warm enveloping presence. I almost did feel like it was telling me I was not ready yet. Behind my eye lids I saw shadows warp and contort but there was nothing colorful or anything that was really reminiscent of DMT. I could still hear the sounds of the room, the whispers of my friends so I knew I didn’t go anywhere. I opened my eyes and the room did have a different kind of glow to it. The lights were ever so gently warping or breathing but that was really it. Disappointed I waited a full hour (in which B smoked some DMT using the sandwich method and had some pretty profound effects but I don’t think it was a breakthrough, it sounded more like he had just made it to the tunnel).

I gave in and began packing N’s bubbler with herb followed by a layer of DMT followed by another top layer of herb. I meditated once again, gently breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, reminding myself to surrender to the trip and to try to learn something. I got comfortable, laid back, took in one last deep breath, pressed the bubbler to my lips and began to gently light the top layer of bud. The flame just barely kissed the flower. I released the carb, without removing my lips from the pipe I let it milk up two or three times. I could taste the DMT and knew I was getting a really good hit. It really isn’t that terrible when it’s mostly being covered up with weed smoke. I held in the smoke when I was done and handed the pipe to B who was next to me on the bed. Before I even exhaled I could already feel it working on my body. It sort of felt like I was being crushed at first and then the last thing I saw was my release of smoke into the room. I could see reality being pushed back as I closed my eyes and I could hear my friends saying “take one more hit” but as soon as I closed my eyes it was too late. There was an electronic sound that resembled a computer “blip” and I was there instantly. I heard or rather felt an eerily sharp tone. As soon as I entered the space their voices got farther away and I was submerged. It felt like I had just leaped out of something and was dropping into a space that completely defied all natural laws of physics I was accustomed to. The space was dark with a strong electricity influence. The Great McKenna could not have put it better: “The initial feeling is as though one has just been struck by noetic lightning.”    

It greatly resembled a holographic grid, wide open, no floor and no ceiling. Just space. It felt like I was flying but falling at the same time and I immediately started to see things of overwhelming beauty. The visuals start out very simple but they quickly change, becoming infinitely more complex. At first I just saw straight colorful lines that rapidly turned into patterns, threads, and shapes that were intertwining, rotating, and morphing in an elegant dance of beautiful chaos. It is hard to remember specifics but I distinctly remember rotating cubes that were made of glowing pink and green light. I began to hear electric symphonies echoing through this infinite hall of raw possibility. Music that made no sense but it was so beautiful and could never be replicated in our normal reality. The patterns danced perfectly to the sound of the music. Structures began forming out of the patterns. They were being sung into existence. Most of the structures looked like a cross between a pyramid and a castle along with many other culture hybrid structures. 

My life did unfold before my eyes but it was so quick that it was impossible to make sense of it or see any specific memories. I believe I saw the Chrysanthemum that McKenna often spoke of. I saw some sort of an extremely rapidly rotating mandala or portal into infinity. Time is moving way too fast for me to keep up or understand what is happening. The space I’m in is extremely abstract and very hard to comprehend, it was almost as if I was floating the entire time. I wish I could explain it but like most DMT concepts it’s very hard to convey an articulate explanation of the experience. It felt as though I had entered into an extremely futuristic medical environment. Everything is made of this glowing blue-white crystal that mirrors how we use glass in modern architecture.

Now I’m laying down and being operated on by these things. They really have no faces or bodies or definition whatsoever but somehow they’re still there. They are nothing more than a presence. I can’t see them but they are there, clear as anything else in life. Time is still moving at an incredibly fast rate so I experience all of these medical procedures at a rate that just simply wasn’t possible to pay attention to as much as I wanted to. All I know is they were definitely injecting me, taking samples of whatever they needed, performing strange experiments with strange instruments, and finally cleaning what I believe to be my soul. I was receiving some kind of communication but I couldn’t make sense out of most of it. I think that there were many of them but I was only able to communicate with one. It was a beautiful warm feminine presence. It wasn’t like she was speaking to me using only her voice. There were other mediums being used but I couldn’t tell exactly what they were. When the beings communicate with you they’re singing in an abstract language, releasing auditory vibrations like us but they’re also using visualizations and sensations that just can’t be described. It goes beyond words and beyond intellect honestly. This strange transportation of information is so soft and kind and gentle. She’s telling me things like “It’s all going to be alright” , “You’re doing very well with this”, and “It will all be over soon”. 

The next thing I know I’m thrusted in a direction I can only assume is up and at this moment something very strange happens. I suddenly seem to become synchronized with everything. Time stands still for a moment and I can perceive everything that exists, has existed, or will exist. It’s so familiar and so overwhelming, I know I’ve experienced this an infinite number of times. I’ve been here before in this strange sensorium on mushrooms but more importantly I’ve been here before between lives. This is where you go when you die. It is where we all came from and it is where we will all return. I call it Source because I don’t know what else to call it. It is the peak of existence, the pinnacle of creation, and the climax of evolution. It is the moment when my mind connects with the mind of the Sublime, enters the realm of the Interior, and experiences an alien miracle I call the Organic Divine. It is an intimate connection between myself and the natural universe. In this mystical experience all wisdom, magic, and possibility stew together in a primordial ooze of oneness. It is both ancient and futuristic because it is where the beginning makes love to the end and every moment in time blends together in this organized fluidity that erupts in an explosion of cosmic sexual energy. This overflow of sensation feels like an orgasm but one that goes above and beyond the physical for it is an orgasm of spirit not body. I would also describe this sensation as feeling like you are drowning, being born, dissolving into all which is or even go as far as to say having sex with God. These words don’t even come remotely close to doing the experience justice. It is the most ineffable and astonishing moment that one simply can not comprehend or conceive with a human mind. It doesn’t make sense at all but its so goddamn beautiful and it loves the fuck out of you and you love the fuck out of it. It is your True Self seeing itself in all things. This indescribable thing, this ultimate feeling becomes so overwhelming and then I blink and I’m in this room with three people that I think I know.

The room has no definition, very similar to a really old 8-bit video game and its made of lines of red and turquoise and white light, fractals, and eyes. I hear a sharp ringing going through my head and the static crackle of a radio tuner. I was being tuned back into reality. There's a big guy with long hair sitting in a computer chair and he’s completely blacked out. His figure is just totally jet black, empty. I’m extremely confused, disoriented, and incoherent. It felt like I had just been born into another world. Reality. I didn’t remember that I was on a drug, who I was, or where I was. I very suddenly started to get paranoid, fearing that my “friends” were up to something. I thought perhaps they are planning on calling some kind of authority that would take me away to a psychiatric institution. I feared that I had gone completely insane. Crazy patterns that I couldn’t describe if I tried started to form on the walls of the room which was suddenly becoming more defined. Reality was reforming itself like a fucking puzzle before my very eyes. My ego and identity were coming back to me. I was a human being from planet earth who had just smoked DMT. I was proud of myself for knowing that.

Music began playing. A beautiful song that reminded me of my favorite LSD trip that took place on top of Cadillac Mountain, eventually ending up at Sand Beach when it was deserted at midnight. The music was distorted in some ways yet it sounded more clear and crisp than ever before. “I hear the drums echoing tonight, but she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation. She's coming in twelve-thirty flight. Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation. I stopped an old man along the way. Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies. He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you.” 

It was all starting to come back to me. N was no longer blacked out; he gave me a bottle of water and as soon as I drank it I felt almost completely submerged back into reality. It felt like I had just floated back down to earth. Like I was reborn. I felt all my fears and paranoia wash away, I literally felt wet. And then I finally understood that it was all going to be okay. That I was back in reality. That I had just been a part of something so indescribably beautiful and in a way always will be. I felt a deep love for my friends and for everything in the universe, a euphoria more powerful than anything I’ve experienced on any other drug. Everything looked so intricately fractal both with eyes open and closed. I still had incredible glowing visuals, visuals that I simply couldn’t compare to the visuals I’ve had on either acid or mushrooms. I guess they were almost like a blend of both but they were certainly unique all on their own. The visuals seemed to dance for me in the happiest way possible. The rug on the floor(which wasn’t that interesting ordinarily) was arranged in a pattern that reminded me of the Grateful Dead bears. They were waving goodbye as if they were saying “Bye! See you next time!”