Fear and bliss in eternity, by Dante
It had been two years since I rediscovered psychedelics. I had experimented with lower to medium doses, but this autumn I was going all in, the McKenna way. Ego death was the goal.
So, the night was there, the mushrooms collected and dried.
Terence famously preaches 5 grams, alone, in silent darkness.
I am a cautious person, so I reduced the dose a bit. The Liberty Caps in Norway are known to be quite a bit more potent than Terence`s Cubensis, I am on the light side (69 kg) and have a low tolerance.
So, the heroic dose was calculated to be 3 grams in lemon tek. The setting was perfect. Total darkness in my bedroom, no music and my wife sitting in the living room. Well rested and a day of fasting.
It hits incredibly fast.
The come up is quite chaotic, like a roller coaster of crazy visuals, impossible to grasp anything from. I lay in bed and hold on, brazing myself.
Gradually, a strange world emerges. Its is very hard to describe, but;
Superbrilliant colors in incredible high def, with geometric shapes and patterns changing around in a way so perfect and coordinated, I am totally baffled. A show off in geometric clockwork, made with a perfection that is beyond comprehension. Like a mathematical engine room of the universe.
Its size, or distance is impossible to point out, and it somehow doesn`t matter. It could be a parallel universe, inside an atom or a hidden space in my head, but still all-encompassing.
Also, a kind of ambient, very alien and quite scary music lays in the background.
At a point, creatures starts to appear. Strange and alien looking. Some humanoid, and some insect-like. And their attitude is quite unwelcoming, like they are guardians of this realm, and would rather prefer I was not there.
I find it all weird and disturbing, and when one of the insectoids moves towards me in a threatening manner, I try to open my eyes and get up, change the scenery. I stumble to the toilet, splash water in my face and go back to bed.
But, the shrooms are still coming up, and attempts to take control are useless. Eventually after some overwhelming visuals and shocking wierdness in a mix of fear and wonder, I surrender.
Suddenly I am gone. Every fragment of myself is gone. No visuals. Just an eternal sensation. A sensation of the soul, my true self. The self I have always been, and always will be. I am in total control and without control, I am nothing and everything, simultaneously. I am outside time and space.
I just exist, like an eternal light, drifting in eternity.
Rushes of revelations.
How long this moment lasted in real-time is impossible to know.
When I recover, I just lay there, upside down in bed, tears running down my face, with an extreme feeling of bliss.
The comedown is very nice. Giggling, crying and feeling very satisfied, though left with a new respect for the power of the mushrooms.
I have not mustered the courage to go back there yet, but have had several sessions of a more moderate character after. The strange thing is, I get back in to that geometric universe every time. Even on low-end doses, then off course in a lesser, more manageable degree. But every time I have been able to enjoy and cope with it better and better, and the creatures seems to take less notice of me.