In this report i will try to explain what happened on the evening my friend (X) and i had a breakthrough with psilocybin mushrooms, knowing very well that every attempt to describe it will always be a reconstruction after the fact and linguistic activity will never be sufficient to explain it.
It was about 2 years ago, when my brother from another mother and i decided to take a mushroom trip as we did a fair number of times before. I had just grown a new batch of mazatapecs (P. Cubensis) a week ago, so we didn't have any concerns about quantity. Since we don't really like the taste of dried fungus, our technique is to cut them up with scissors and wash them down with orange juice and what not. By the way, we were situated in my appartment and the preperations were good as always: enough food/drinks, music ready to play and lava lamps flowing. We both took about 3.5 grams of dried shrooms and then waited for them to kick in. After a while the usual effects began to take a hold of our nervous systems, the giggling, the body high and other physical traits like pupils the size of ufo's became obvious. Also X started to feel some nausea and i responded to that by putting up some bansuri flute music on youtube, accompanied with nice pictures of nature sliding by. According to X this was really helpful and his unease dissapeared as quickly as it came.
The atmosphere was relaxed but after some time i more and more got the feeling of being stuck between two worlds, maybe some readers are familiar with that feeling as well. This feeling triggered me to contemplate taking another dose but on the other hand this thought made me nervous because i have respect for what this substance can do with your organism. While this consideration took place it seemed as if i already decided to do it (or something greater than me did) because i was spreading my stash on the table in front of me. X noticed my preperations and shared his doubt with me ("are you sure?!") with a serious face only he can display. My answer was that i exactly knew what i was doing and having said that i took another 3 grams or so a flushed it down with some mushroom tea we also brewed like the druïds we are. Don't get me wrong, i was pretty anxious about what would happen (since i never took an amount like that) but sometimes you have to face your fears i guess. Last thing i remember was that i put on classical indian music with a woman singing in a way that i never heard before. What happened next is what i can best describe as a mystical experience. The fascinating thing was it happened to us both at the same time (later on we both agreed that the music we listened was meant as guidance and made for trippin').
We both sailed into this non-dual state of higher consciousness for lack of a better term. At some point we even seemed to communicate in a way that was based on pure understanding, eyes closed, it was undescribable. I was in a space that felt strange yet so familiar, 'folded inside out' and completely united with everything. The insight that my essence was spiritual and everything was connected. I never felt such loving compassion/kindness. 'You are it!!!!!!' we kept calling, referring to the realization that you are existence itself. As a matter of fact, this realization was the most meaningful part of the trip for me (although the CEV's where also pretty impressive). It was a bit like a dog suddenly understanding that the big shiny thing he was howling at was the body in space that caused ebb and flow, was lit up by the sun, which was just another star in a galaxy with billions of other stars etc. (although maybe i am more curious about the nature of reality then the average dog).
I must also note there was something else.
I don't claim to know what it was but i knew there was something present, denying it was useless. A presence of an entirely different order of intelligence that i can only describe as vastly superior, which seemed to orchestrate every bit of the experience in to perfect harmony. Now i certainly don't want to get all religious and stuff since i am very critical towards religions and don't go to church, but the thing is when your ego does no longer stand in your way, when your focus is optimal, when you realize all is one and thus this presence is a part of you, you can identify with this presence. You become this intelligent presence and i can assure you that you can do a lot of self improvement during this trancendental experience. Now ofcourse i understand that this is my subjective experience, i talked about it to X and he didn't felt it that way (at least not the superior intelligence part) but still it made a lasting impression on me. For those who are curious, the artwork 'transfiguration' from Alex Grey depicts this experience better then my English vocabulary will allow me so maybe you can google it.
Before i quit writing i would like to throw in that the notion of a separate self is simply another thought and that it can be very, very helpful to cultivate clear focus through a disciplined habit of meditation. Psilocybin can act like a tool if you know how to use it and approach it with deep respect. It can open doors and i found that clear focus, for me, was the skill needed to navigate through the initial emotional chaos that was between me and the door opened by the shrooms.
The universe doesn't end where your skin begins.