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Through the hell of my mind to heaven
I really don't know how exactly to word this, so I'll tell it like a story from start to finish.
It was 11:55pm exactly when I had first dosed. Usually my acid trips are alone in my room at night (I still live with parents), and this one was the same. My previous times dropping acid were estimated to be dosed 125, 250, 375, 600, and 625, with estimated 125 or 200ug tabs. Last night though, I dosed with estimated 300-350ug tabs. A few weeks ago from last night, I did the 625 and things seem pretty mutual and tolerable. But compared to last night, I guess I really really under estimated LSD's power. So I dosed, and started turning my blacklight on and starting a movie on Netflix (Enter The Void). I layed in bed and within 20 minutes I had already started having profound intoxication effects. So early, I knew I might have accidentally dropped too much. My mind started racing and I began to think "Shit, I need to get some music on and chill out fast." So I turned on Air's album "10,000 Hz Legend", one of my favorite albums to trip to. I tried just laying back, relaxing and listening to music but for some reason it felt too strong. Every now and then I would end up removing my headphones and trying to regain control over my world (this was only about 30/40 minutes after dosing). I couldn't do it though, the music seemed too powerful. I left my headphones off and began to watch as my blacklight posters soon started replicating in my vision to be all over my room. Once that happened, I began to have paranoia over if whether or not my family in the rest of the house could hear my tossing and turning in my room. Once I began that, I was stuck in a thought loop for I'd say half an hour, which felt like eternity, over whether or not I'd get caught tripping. I had to piss very bad at this point, so i decided to try and slowly go to the bathroom, and it was a terrible mistake. I did go, and once I reached inside, time seemed to disintegrate. I had multiply visions I was walking constantly forwards and backwards from my room to the bathroom. Everything being shockingly timeless and symmetrical, I don't know if I really was walking back and forth from the bathroom or not. After multiple visions of that, I started freaking out thinking "okay I just want this to fucking stop." So I for some reason went into my kitchen looking everywhere in my house to try and remember memories of being sober, which once again I became looped in. The paranoia grew worse and worse. My mind filled with very quick and very detailed senarios in which I was being charged at by my parents and interrogated, and scenarios where I was throwing myself across the room cutting myself with razors (I used to cut, idk why I tripped about it though). The way I want to try and explain my mind, was like a ball of string being rolled everywhere and slowly but gradually knotting up. Then, when the knot was about to be tightened, right before, a very quick scenario in my head where I was about to die, turned into slow motion, and I told myself "I'm gone." Once that happened I was back in my bed and felt as though I was melting everywhere. My conscious felt as though it was an entity in space pulsing with light and warmth, I could not see a thing, and for some reason, I didn't have a care and I was happy. I thought quickly over and over about religion, about previous heartbreaks, fights, war, school, work, life in general, every bad thing, and I did not care. I was happy. I remember telling myself this must be or be better than heaven. I felt extremely euphoric and loved. I had visions of where I was in beautiful fields of grass and flowers, with friends who loved me and we were all happy, and I had my guitar and was playing music and needed nothing else in the world. I want to say that lasted probably about an hour, before the knot my mind was in was loosened, and hell came back. Everything began reversing once again the exact way it entered, from the point of before dying to when I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. Once the hell was diminished, I was laying in bed stuck in the thought loop of "Sh, be quiet before you wake someone up! They'll just think I'm sleeping surely." I laid there like that until about 5:30/6, when I heard my mom wake up and in the living room on the phone with my aunts talking about my grandmother. I listened to each word and I heard such sorrow and emptiness I had never heard before. Then I looked across my bed, and my headphones were surprisingly still there. So I once again put them on and tried listening to music. About 3 or 4 songs into, the music seemed so silly for some reason, so I stopped and just laid there. Upon laying there I tried to sleep, in which my eyes closed but for some reason an odd silly movie of such randomness I can't even remember, played in my head, and finally my exhaustion got some of me, and I either slept or blacked out for about an hour. Once I regained consciousness I got out of bed and greeted my family. Luckily as soon as I got up they left to go to the store, so I performed my morning routine of getting ready as best I could without carrying of being suspected upon, listening to Pink Floyd. Once they came home, I went to the store myself and got candy, chocolate milk, cinnabon, and coffee. For some reason that food seemed like nectar from the gods as I ate it in my room once I got home, while watching Pink Floyd The Wall movie. As I watched the movie, I related to it so much I felt. Not my dad dying from war, but the father never being home, with an overprotective mother, a musician who's a romantic but can't help but zone out and be focused on other things, someone who breaks out into lustful moments where after they turn into someone with crazed rage, after being feeling guilty of my failed shots at love, in a world with drugs and where higher power try to train you to be sheep, building a Wall around my heart and mind, wishing I could be someone ruthless and awful. I saw myself each scene through it. And I cried. And I felt awful. But once it finished, I felt as if maybe I did tear down that wall. After finished the movie I went and played guitar and played amazingly well and felt happy about how I could turn the sounds in my head into real music aloud. Once I had enough of that, I went to work, close to completely sober (still strong afterglow though) where I did what I was supposed to, hardly talking to anyone until I felt almost normal.
Though I had an awful experience, I can't wait to drop 2 more of the 8 hits I have left!
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