I had written this on my phone and realized how crappy it looks....but i promise...give it a chance. worth a read
It has been a little over one year since my horrific, amazing, intriguing , nightmare of a trip. Today I listened to the track that played during the whole trip for the first time since Learning to Fly - Pink Floyd.
A quarter of shrooms. Was I being cocky ? Yes. I had done an eighth and had one of the best experiences of my life and I believed I was ready and could handle such an exploration into my mind. No....I wasn't ready to take on this journey at all....Sometimes often... I think about it . When I do ...I can remember everything as if it just happened. The worst part ....I feel the fear I felt . The upset....it changes my mood . Instantly .
I will attempt to explain this as best I can in the order which it happened . Apologize for spelling errors or mix ups ....
December 26th 2013.
I had recently got interested in trying new things. From a simple cigarette to bud to Molly and the last of it what some of us call shrooms. I will get straight to it . From the time I took them and how I prepared ....
I had not eaten for more then a day. I had applesauce on my counter for the taste . Not really a tasteful thing these were . Reminded me of dirt and outside air . Unexplainable really unless you've had them . But they are so fascinating especially when you start out with one of the best trips of your life.... I had thought to myself that my tolerance would be good enough....my buddy had told me to take it in small increments ...but I did not want to do that. I wanted the full affect . So I got home . Slept until about 7. This was my surroundings and situation .....
3 people upstairs . 4 dogs . 1 television on .
Downstairs . Just me . A enclosed room and no windows . A heater running and Christmas lights on .
It was quiet . I couldn't hear anything or anyone .
I figured it was safe ....I turned on my jam. And began to consume them.
Funny how you think you know everything ....they hit me faster then I could walk back to lock my door . When I locked it ...the click echoed for a few seconds . I thought nothing of it . And layed down in my bed . I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes until the basic cliche things started happening . 100x faster then my first time . Shadows dancing . Dots on the wall moving . At this point I was very intrigued and did not expect anymore from it . I had read somewhere if you turn of the lights you can see movement in the shadows of your eyelids and it would be a better experience ...so I shut it off and layed backed down . Kind of scary . Everything felt so far and distant...out of reach. So I turned up my music ....or thought I did . Wait what ... I looked down at my phone again ...I didn't hear anything . But I swear I turned it up....no big deal I'll just leave it and lay down . I closed my eyes and I heard the lyrics ...but they slowed down ...slower and slower . "What the hell is going on..?" I looked back at my phone and lit it up. I couldn't read the words . I figured my glasses weren't on . So I took them off . Or I thought I did . I most of made the motion 10 or 20 times . To realize my glasses were broke ...I had broken them....I was a monster . It ran through my head . I started to feel feelings of fear ....extreme feelings. I started to cry ....I had no one ....but then I tuned in on my surroundings and this is what I heard ....people talking ...talking about me . Dogs walking on the hardwood floor . The Andy Griffith show theme song . Repeat . Repeat ...until I couldn't take it . Everyone knew . Everyone knew I was on them . Already? How? No they don't know . I'll just puke them up. So I sat in the bed and gagged myself but nothing came up . And I cried and cried ....I'm about to cry just writing this.
I was so lost ...what had I done . Relax. I can just relax....so I closed my eyes and layed down ....the bed . I was sinking into it . I was falling into the bed it was eating me whole . I tried to get out but couldn't . I was trapped . So I opened my eyes and looked at the door but only saw the light from the bottom. And I saw fire truck ...police car flashlights. And they were coming to help me ...in my mind I thought this . Now this wasn't true . ... Back to the trip....I curled up and prayed it would be over . I cried ...then I felt my clothes coming off . And head in my head "Anything you say ...say ...say ...can and wil..will....your under arrest , under arrest" over and over ... My body started to turn insideout into itself . My skin from my head wrapped around my knees and legs and back over. That's what it had felt like . And I called out to God. "God help me . Please stop this". God told me it would stop if I would open the door . There were people there to help me ...I debated it for what felt like an hour and got up and opened the door...
Nothing . No one was there . It was fine . I relaxed . It was over . I was so happy. It wasn't what I thought ...so I walked to the bathroom .
Shut the door and turned on the light ..
Blood was pouring from the ceiling from all corners . What was happening? What's wrong ? I looked down and saw blood pouring out of my stomach . All over my face . I ran to the sink to drink water and wash it off . But it was all blood . ....everything else faded in and out ....I remember looking at the sky...transition ...then looking into a member of the households eyes ... Transition ...to hugging them comforting me . Transition...paramedics examining me .. Asking how much I took. I had said 3.5 ...over and over . I'm pretty sure it's all I said . In my head everyone knew everything about me . My secrets ...my thoughts . My deepest ...fears and embarrassments . Everyone . -Transition- I was laying in the ambulance ...and the paramedics mouth moved but I heard nothing . I looked up and saw a white light and began the reflection on everything and what is and could of been . I thought I had talked to my mom and everything would be fine ...I had not seen her in years and she was going to let me move back . My best friend was comforting me on the ride to the hospital and it was going to be fine . But none of it was true . I had come up with some crazy story in my head that I believed . And there was no worse feeling then getting to the hospital and realizing no one was there except the staff. Looking at you like a crazy lunatic . I cried...cried and laughed when they tried to ask me questions ....when they had put me in my room . They had asked me to take off my clothes and I did . It revealed my chest tattoo as I layed down and the nurse asked ..."what does it say?" "Fate Does Not Lie". "That's deep "..... Yea I said and laughed . Then they all left . And thought I couldn't hear them . But I had super hearing ...the shrooms gave me that ability ...they were calling me shroom boy and crazy...no one came in to talk to me ...I stared at the lights around me ....they all moved across the wall....the muffle sounds of their voices I heard . For what felt like hours . And the funny thing is . I checked into the hospital at 8 . And took the shrooms at 7. Yea. What the fuck . An hour went by . No....it felt like years went by .... Before I fell asleep ..I thought I was falling asleep so I could wake up and be with my family . I asked if I could pee myself and they said yes. But no one was there . It was only me . So I started to pee myself...it felt amazing ...it lasted forever .it felt like forever ...and it felt warm and comforting ....only to realize no one said I could do it . And when the nurse came into check on me it ruined it . And she told me it was okay and helped changed it . They had decided to give me a sleeping pill. Which didn't really work by the way... I stayed up for hours ...going through everything that had happened in my life. Good and bad . Funny and sad . I laughed . I cried . I yelled . I asked for help. Repeat . I was crazy . Crazy for someone to help me. And no one would . I felt alone and cold. Lost and scared .....I went home the next day...nothing was the same . My thoughts were cloudy and my decision making was different . If anything I have to say is ...don't do it because you think you can . Realize what you have . Appreciate it . Care for it . Because I abused a wonderful gift . And at the wrong time . At the peak of a depression....and I found happiness in the wrong thing . - JC