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I died, than found myself in an infinite consciousness
I am 22 yo male. Prior to this strong experience I have only smoked weed with friends but never got any good experience of it, only a anti social feeling. I also tried LSD once, but it only got me super horny and than I saw some ancient symbols on the wall.
I have been interested in psychadelic after seeing intelectual people talking about them on youtube and taking the experiences seriously. Especially dr Stan Grof got me very interested. I was interested in both emotional healing and spirituality. Never so much in partying with them. My strong experience was with ayahuasca, but I just want to share it here because I believe its the same territory as what I read from other reports.
It was in Costa Rica, with two other random people and a Lady shaman. We all had 2 cups as the standard. After the second cup the shaman told me : Sleep for two hours. To my surprise I did fall asleep. After I woke up I could feel the effects. Especially after I closed my eyes. I was in the dream world, but I was concious of myself. I remember saying to myself that I have always been here and that this is very familiar. After a while of these soft visuals, a strong feeling came over me. Im dyeing. I stand on my knees. Should I call the ambulance. My whole body is giving up. My whole body is telling my I am dying. I look at the helpers and shaman. I remember I didnt want to say Im dying because I didnt want to be a drama queen, so I just said help, I feel really really bad.
After that the shaman sat with me and calmed me a bit down. After this I just gave up. It felt what I believe death will exactly feel like.
First, as I gave up, I felt as if I was going completlly crazy. I remembered thinking man, I drank this shit and I poisoned myself, well done. Complete loss of controll. My eyes went rapidly out of my control from once side to the other.
As I was dying I saw every thought and idea being striped away from me. My name, how I thougt the sun rises every morning, every single thought of my reality as I formed it went away. I was also able to see my whole life up till that point as a single experience/ feeling. Interestingly, I only saw the first 7 years of my life when I had an epic childhood, having a great time of freedom and laughter at my grandparents who lived on the countryside. Non of the other 15 years showed up.
After this, after I was left without thoughts and ideas, there was just me, the infinite observer/ experiencer.
Now a lot of people mention the unity, the oneness, but what I felt was more of a lonelyness. Becuase in that state, it was the cruel truth, this intense feeling of "this is it", this is all that ever was, theres not going to be anything else. This is infinity. You in infinity and no-one else. And if you think about it its the way it is. You can have all your best friends, loving family around. You can be having sex and haing your penis in a girls body. But its still only you, and there won't be anything else.
After experiencing this state I also understood how time is an illussion, how from that point you can create the illusion of time in which we live now.
After this evening, I experienced it a few more times after waking up from a nap.
I later read about how they talk about this point of observing in buddhism, but I dont see anyone mentioning that It is very lonely. After I got out of the experience I was very happy to meet my family and have this feeling of beeing with other people who love you.
What do you think, can you relate?
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