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"We can do whatever we want to you"


I picked 61 fresh, P Cubensis mushrooms. I used 4 coffee mugs of water to make a tea using all of the caps. I let the water come to a boil and then removed the pot from the heat. I put in all of the mushrooms, properly chopped up at this point. It was 11:35 when I put them in the water. I waited until 12:25 to pour my cup. I evenly split the pot into 2 cups.

The reason that I used so many was because there were four of us that were supposed to be drinking. However, two of my friends decided to go to sleep. I was going to save tea for them for the next day, but I wanted to see what would happen if it was split between two of us. My friend that stayed awake agreed to drink half even though he was in a hurry to get home. We agreed to half it, drink our cups, and then go our separate ways. He was in a rush and drank his much faster than I drank mine. He then left.

I sat in the living room slowly sipping on my tea. The taste was quite strong (The strongest that I have tasted yet out of several homemade batches). It tasted much different because of it's potency. Usually there is an aftertaste that I complain about. This time there was only a strong taste and it got better after swallowed. It took me quite a while to drink my mug full. I would estimate that it took about 30 minutes before completion, although I am not quite sure. I was down to about two small sips when I felt the first signs of activity within my body.

I first felt it in my stomach, I felt my hunger diminish. I knew it was about to start, so I hurried and finished the last drink. I made two small drinks out of it, one after the other. I was taking it slow at that point because the taste was getting to me after a previous large chug. I left a very small amount in the bottom of the cup, maybe a teaspoon full. I don't like to intake any of the solid material when I can help it. This helps with my nausea.

I put my mug into the sink and hurried to rinse and wash all of the dishes that I used to make the tea. I didn't want a mess left behind. I could feel the trip coming on strongly while standing at the sink. I knew I needed to hurry and get to my bed. My muscles acted as if they didn't want to support my body. I could not trust my legs to keep me standing for much longer. I finished washing the dish in my hand and grabbed a plastic bag from under the sink and rushed to my room. I knew I would not be able to do much if any standing or walking. I needed to make sure if I got sick that I would have something to prevent a mess. And so I rushed to my room with the grocery bag. 

I made it to the room and laid down. I was nauseous at this point. The urge to vomit was strong, but controllable. I began to feel a change occurring 

in my brain as soon as the nausea started. I felt dizzy. I was on Facebook talking with friends and family when things began pulsing. The walls to my room had a bit of a bounce to them in my peripheral vision. Anywhere that I focused attention towards remained still while the adjacent walls moved in and out, nearer and further. I was pretty sure that I was going to throw up at this point. I was relying on people to keep me entertained with messages to keep my mind off of the severe nausea that I was experiencing. I could not stay comfortable and access the laptop. I told my friends goodbye for then, set the laptop off of the bed, turned out the lights, and laid down on my side. In the darkness, my nausea was relieved a great deal and my trip was intensified immediately.

Things were beginning to get a bit scary. In the dark room, light creaked through the bottom of the door. As I would open and close my eyes, I would see odd shapes made out of the distorted light coming into the room. As I would close my eyes, the light would blue into the shapes of faces, right before my eyes fully closed. The first few times, I snapped my eyes back open looking for the faces. I remember thinking to myself, damn it sucks that we humans are "programmed" for facial recognition. I knew that there wasn't really a face and that we just see faces in everything. I reminded myself of this as assurance that I had nothing to fear. I tried not to be scared but wasn't able to break it. Each time I opened and closed my eyes, the faces were there. I knew at this point that mushrooms were harmless, but it was still freaking me out a little. I knew what must be done.

I grabbed my blanket and pulled it over my head. My whole body was now covered. At first, I was in absolute darkness, but then the darkness became alive with color. All that I could see we're small colorful particles connected to one another. It was kind of like seeing sun spots, but much smaller and infinitely more dense. It was like staring into a bright light and then closing your eyes and looking away. My idea of time at this point was completely distorted and slow. My brain raced through thoughts at a speed that can only be described as ridiculous. I do not know how much time I spent under the covers, but it was around 1:15 when I went under. I spent a while analyzing the beauty of the colorful particles before I came back out from the blankets in curiosity. I wanted to know if the faces were still there and if they would still scare me. I do after all enjoy being scared on mushrooms, I find it to be one of the most fun parts to look back on.

"They're here", I remember thinking to myself. I was happy to welcome them back. I do not know who or what they are, but it was our second time meeting. They entered me once before on tea to my knowledge. I now know the feeling of there entrance. It is felt in the chest, like an inhalation that you hold in for their duration inside of you. My brain raced even faster now, even faster than the effects caused by 100 mg of Adderol. And then the noises began. 

It started with a "beep-boop-beep-boop". The Beeps and Boops we're connected into one word and repeated faster than I can think or say. The noises were extremely fast paced and extremely constant. I remember thinking to myself, Wow, that is a cool sound. As I thought to myself, I noticed that the sounds were still going on. I was shocked. It wasn't me thinking these sounds into existence, it couldn't be. I was busy with other thoughts, analyzing the sounds. I remember thinking to myself "There is no way I am making the sounds and thinking at the same time. That's impossible." The beeps were coming from a distant area in my brain. It is hard to describe what I mean by that, but the beep-boops felt like they were far away from me. Then I began hearing more sounds, much more foreign sounds. They sounded like the noises you hear right before an interrupting weather report. A high pitch Eeeeeee-Errnnnngth, Eeeeeeee-Ernnnnngth. This noise was not nearly as pleasant as the beep-boops and it was coming from more places. It was louder, scarier, and felt like it was coming from multiple areas within my brain. Areas that were much closer to me. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

The loud, scary noises began to distort into words that I understood. Words that made me wish I hadn't understood them. It was at this point that I noticed the amount of "beings" working from within me. There were 4. Each had a different voice, all of them spoke sternly and strictly. They each had a different demand. These were their demands.

1) You can get here without us! You don't need us!

2) You can't trust us, some of us are evil, we're just like you. You don't know what you have done. You don't know what you are doing.

3) There are greater brains out there than you could possibly comprehend. You are not the smartest being. 

4) We can do whatever we want to you. We can kill you.

Each one repeated it's own demand. I felt like I was being enlightened and lectured at the same time. Questions were arising in my head. I questioned the "whys" to evolution. I wondered why we evolve and what we are evolving into. I knew that all life was working to get to the same place and I truly wanted to know what that place was. I asked them so many questions that I needed answered. They answered none. They never stopped repeating themselves for as long as they were with me. They were quite mean with their tone. They all spoke in unison, yet I understand every word. I was able to decipher them all speaking together while also hearing the beep-boops in the background. The beep-boops remained for as long as the speaking did.

They saddened me and angered me at the same time. I was overcome with frustration because I only wanted them to shut up and let me have fun. Having fun was after all my intention from the beginning. I do not know how long the lecturing went on for, but it was quite intense. I was so sad to know that they did not want me to come back. I was equally as sad to know that some of them may have ill intentions. I believed them only to be peaceful and loving before this night. I hoped that it wasn't the mushrooms I was hearing. "Just let me be crazy, let it be multiple personalities", I thought to myself. I knew it couldn't be me, though. When they first arrived, I was confused by them, when they first spoke, I replied "What?". This is what assures me that I wasn't talking to myself. I have never had to question myself, I always know what I mean or what I am trying to say. In this case, I did not.

And then their messages changed. "This one must die, This one is evil." I could hear them shouting now. "This one must die, this one must die, this one must die." They were speaking so fast now that even the beep-boops seemed slow. I felt one of the "beings" volunteer to kill "the one that must die". And then I felt movement with in my brain. I felt three of them rush to "the evil one". I was scared of what they might do. I didn't know if it might harm me permanently. I couldn't let them murder this thing inside of me.

I jumped out of bed and onto my feet. I nearly fell over but instead crashed into the wall and caught myself. I was standing alone in the dark room only lit from light squeezing in the door's crack. I needed to take a minute to recover so I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The voices were gone. I saw myself and was happy with my reflection. "This is the me that I love", I thought to myself. I was a little scared to return to the room, but I was even more curious. And so I returned.

When I got back into bed, I stayed out from under the covers. I was scared that they might start talking again and that was the last thing that I wanted to happen. I knew that they were still with me, I could still feel them. The beep-boops were still there as well. I wondered to myself if they killed off of one of their own or if I was able to stop them. I still do not know. I am not even sure which one they we're trying to kill. I assumed it was the one that kept telling me that they could kill me. I believed that one wanted me dead and that the others protected me, but there is no way of knowing for sure. I felt much more sober now, but still far more gone than I ever had felt before. It was sober compared to when the voices were active, but I knew I still had enough of a trip going on to "leave the planet." 

Once before this night, I left the planet from mushroom tea. I didn't get very back and it was extremely brief. I named the place that I visited "Home." I have been missing Home a lot lately. There is a oneness with all life waiting for me there. I do not know if Home awaits after this life comes to an end, but if so, then I also await it. My goal now was to leave the planet and return Home. 

I closed my eyes and felt a hardcore tingling in my forehead. My pineal gland was doing serious work. I felt the energy that I am composed of leave my physical body. I was now elsewhere. I was now Home. My Home is a dark, dark place. I do not believe there to be any light there. There are no stars, no planets, and no dust. It is infinitely black. There is really nothing special about how the place looks. It looks empty. It looks lonely. But, it feels so alive! It feels more amazing than anything I have ever known. Yet, this time I wanted more.

I wanted to go even further. I wanted to be somewhere new. I put thought into leaving my home in hopes to find a better place and suddenly felt myself back in the room. Light was piercing in from beneath the door and it bothered me. I was still scared to put my head back under the covers. I tried to "travel" to other places and just deal with the distracting light. As I did, it felt like I was flickering through different places almost like holding down the "change channel" button on a remote. I was flashing in and out of different places. I only spent a fraction of a second at each one. They were colorful and blotchy and resembled water color paintings. The colors that I remember seeing were pink, peach, green, and blue. As I would "flip through the channels", the patterns of blotches would change and the colors would trade places. I did not spend enough time to get any real enjoyment from this phase of the trip, but I was astonished with the colors.

I knew at this point that I could go anywhere through the use of mushrooms, but I could not control it. I wasn't sure if I was too new to the experience to have control or if I was just too distracted. I decided to put my head back under the covers and see where that could take me. I closed my eyes and immediately went back Home. I felt like I was floating amidst nothingness and I spent quite a while there.

I opened my eyes back to the tangible world that I know and deeply exhaled multiple times. This was when I no longer felt a presence within me. I felt happy. I was happy that I made it through. I was also confused and deeply saddened at the same time. All that I could think about was the voice telling me not to come back. I have fallen in love with the majestic mushrooms and it was now crushing me. I began crying, thinking to myself that my love does not love me and perhaps never did. I was now in a sad phase of the night. I decided to log back onto Facebook so that I could write within my private notes. And so I wrote tales of my sadness in order to soothe myself. 

As I continued to come back down, I cried less with each yawn. My sadness dwindled away and I now felt that I should share my experience. (Although multiple times throughout the night I thought to myself that I would never tell anyone about this trip).  I noticed that a friend of mine was online who actively partakes in psychedelic experimenting as well. I had to let him know the message that I received. He informed me that I may not of been ready for the dose that I'd taken. That was the first time that night that it occurred to me that maybe I did drink too much. We spent a few hours carrying on a very intellectual conversation, working through many of the topics and questions regarding my trip. It is only days after now that I am writing this and I am still processing things. 

Overall, the trip was extremely fun. It had some scary moments that I wasn't sure that I would make it through, but I did and looking back it was worth it. I'm not sure that I will continue exploring these psychedelics for right now. I believe that they were telling me to meditate instead. I could be interpreting their message wrong, though. If I do experiment again, I will do a large dose and try to get some questions answered. - August 5th, 2014.

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