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Life Changing

First time

That day felt like any other day as I did everything routinely in the morning before hanging out with the gang. I first heard we would be partaking in magic mushrooms later that afternoon and my mind went into immediate rationalization. Should I do mushrooms? What’s the worst that can happen to me? What if I have a bad trip? These thoughts will later haunt me. I ate the mushrooms at the same time as everyone else before leaving for Santa Rosa Plateau with nothing but excitement on my mind. During the drive there I completely forgot we had even ingested any hallucinogens previously. Once we arrived things were still normal. We journeyed through the beginning of the plateau until we decided to wait for the rest of the gang. While sitting there things started to get a little hazy but nothing noticeable, just a few giggles, or was I hallucinating without knowing? Once the rest of the group met up with us things started to get a little freaky. I recall trying to converse with everyone but was too focused on trying to fit in rather than just be there with them conversing. Life is most enjoyable when you’re physically and mentally present but in that situation I wasn’t mentally present. My mind was racing through countless anxious thoughts and worries. I recall moving from one side of the bench to the other over and over again with no perception of time or reality. It was like my mind was so flustered it has going to implode and I was only acting to everyone else trying to hold my composure. Composure is not something you fake or try to have, it’s something you feel. I was not feeling this at that moment. I started seeing things and getting scared and looking away immediately, hiding from the reality I couldn’t face. Why was my instinct reaction of fear? Those same things I was seeing could’ve just as easily been sights and thoughts of happiness, laughter, and acceptance. But I was rejecting them. My body broke out in sweats from the anxious thoughts bombarding my brain and once the sweat broke out, it was another thing my mind had to focus on. The sweat began to pour out of my skin. This became a new fear as everyone was staring at me while I sweat wondering what was happening to me. Rather than ask for help or try to talk about what was happening I tried to fight those feelings and act okay which only made me feel like I was about implode at any second. Why did I fear expressing how I felt to those around me? Why did I feel obliged to hide these feelings? Once Dylen walked up whom I had never met before, things took an even weirder turn. I noticed Cameron and Tyler quickly went to him like it was urgent. I immediately knew by instinct it was about me but felt it was from a dark perspective. I had all evil thoughts of the things they were saying when they could have just been trying to help me and didn’t want to scare me, after all they were experiencing the same trip as myself. Once we all settled my mind went back into the same swing of things, it seemed as if we had been at this point in time for ages. My stomach had been feeling terrible from the mushrooms and with all my focus on that it seemed to be extreme where I asked dylen if I could throw up. Why did I feel the need to ask him? After throwing up everyone got up as if it were finally time. I had forgotten the trip hadn’t even started yet since we were all there siting for what felt like years but was actually no more than a half hour. I had a strange feeling we had been there that entire time because of me I was the one stopping everyone from having a good time.(Turns out I was the reason) I felt blame and shame. Once we were about to start I told Cameron I wanted to wait in the car, feeling only fear with no perception of reality. He told me that they would be gone at least 5 hours and If I was sure and right there I decided to take my life down a different path. I chose to accept how I felt and continue the journey. Once we started I was still in fear. But I tried to counteract those feelings by focusing all of my attention on outside forces such as nature. I looked everywhere I could trying to focus on trees, plants, the sky and I felt minor ease but it was something at least. We continued down that path and I tried to stop focusing on everyone else and focus on what I saw. I noticed everyone else was having an amazing time. The next stop I remember is sitting at that bench while fredy played with gummys. Everyone was playing with them and laughing and having fun. I however sat there trying to get into the moment and get out of my head. At this point I was doing better but a quick thought would attack out of nowhere and I’d have to fight it off. It seems that until you’re 100 percent at peace with yourself, these thoughts will try to come back to you and get back in your head. We continued some more until smoking a little under a tree. I remember sitting on that bench and for a second enjoying myself and the sights. Once I made a comment about something Cameron or ethan was next to me got thrilled that I was there in the moment with them. It’s like I had been there without actually being there. Just trying to blend in rather than stand out. We continued after that until the next stop where I had a few backlashes but none strong enough to take me down a completely terrified rode. Fredy journeyed off on his own which I had thought seemed like a splendid idea but something held me back. If I wanted to go off on my own I should have? What was stopping me? The thought of losing control? But the thought of losing control is what would cause me to lose control. We journeyed some more until I remember having fun looking at trees and stuff in that little village. We were all pointing at a tree laughing when some other hikers passed by. We immediately tensed up and fled. Why did we feel fear? What made us ashamed of what we were doing? We then found the spot where we’d spend the trip. We hopped a small fence and walked into a secret spot. On our way through we all jumped across rocks and leaves and ran with no fear of getting hurt but only thrill and excitement. Once there we sat in a small circle and enjoyed eachothers company. A few more people noticed me as a part of the group now that I was standing out. What was strange though is how few words I said but with such confidence and meaning. At this point I could hear the music and see the nature dance. The trees would swirl to the songs and I would smile and laugh in happiness. We enjoyed the time here and I recall an odd feeling I got standing on that rock. I stated “its like I constantly feel as if im about to do something but im not” those words have a deep meaning. I think that feeling was one of anxiety. The constant thought of the future rather than present. I laughed at the feeling and enjoyed it a bit accepting the anxiety I felt within me. Leaving that spot I remember getting a happy feeling of that moment I was in. I wanted to enjoy it not just be alive in it. I took a picture with ethan just to try and capture that moment. I got this feeling shortly after of confidence and love for myself. I remember I had thrown up earlier and wiped my face off. Why was I just trying to get by the trip? Didn’t I want to enjoy it the best I can? I felt in that moment that I could do anything or talk to anyone or meet any girl and win her love. That is because I felt total self confidence. I was living in the moment 100 percent with no thoughts of self judgement self conscious worries or anxiety. I was the only one enjoying every second of that journey out of the hike. I recall that last thing I felt leaving was what I stated “my brain feels like every word at juice it up”. That is because my mind had finally been cleansed. I was at peace with myself. I loved myself and I loved everyone and everything around me. The most important thing in this journey is that I had to learn to love myself and be at peace with myself before I could feel this.  This world is meant for nothing but love. Thanks to anyone who reads. 

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