Just wanted to share my first trip with you guys. It happened a couple of years ago but I remember everything just as clear today. My prior experience with substances was occasional weed smoking with friends. For fun only. Although I usually went through short periods of paranoia and social anxiety if not in super safe setting. This I believe explains parts of the following trip. I considered myself a "spiritual" person. Read a lot of book about living in the now and how to love yourself and stuff like that.
A friend of mine had been talking about doing mushrooms for a long time and had planed this event for a few weeks. I fasted since 12 o clock and we ate at 7:30. I took this serious but had no idea what I was getting myself into. We where 5 guys. I only knew two of them from before. So the social anxiety thing was lurking.
We drove to one of the other guys cabbin. A beautiful place. Far from people. It was dark when we got there. lots of snow. We barely made it through the deep snow with the car.
Well inside we gathered in the living room. A big one. two couches. fireplace. boomblaster. ayahuaska music on. mushrooms where being shared into equal portions for us all. The others had done mushrooms many times and also LSD etc. I was the only rookie, I guess.
I was pretty exited but had no idea what to expect. I expected kaleidoscopic visions and unicorns and rainbows. You know, the kind of stuff people who have never done it think its like. I definately did not expect myself and aspects of my personality that where holding me back from true love and happiness to be confronted.
So we ate it all. slowly. chewing it really good. tastes pretty good.
Then the wait. the looong wait.
After maybe 20min I could suddenly see that the lamp in the kitchen was dancing. it was moving beautifully. I was laughing and smiling and I could not believe it would be THIS strong! Little did I know that the mushroom had not even warmed up yet..
It came in waves and the next wave hit me pretty hard. I was now sitting in the couch with closed eyes. Riding on a snake in 3D technicolor! it was awesome! wow! the snake WAS femininity, mother earth, everything that was love in this world. Holy shit this was strong! I probably saw a lot more but cant remember it. It was all positive and good.
Then the others started making a joint. And it came over to me. I smoked it thinking nothing more of it. I was happy. After a few tokes I could feel that it was enough. When I closed my eyes now I could see a long needle-type of thing in front of my face. Coming closer. to my eye. soon about to penetrate my eye. I did not like it so I opened my eyes and was a bit surprised and missed the positive stuff. When I closed my eyes again I would see blood. Lots of blood! Running and dripping. And a horrible feeling connected to it of course. Then I got this picture that was up in my face and commanding me to LET GO! LET GO! faster and faster! Stronger! More scared. Clinging to the little control I believed I had left. I was now on my way down. I soon assumed the fetal position. and laying under a blanket praying for salvation. And it just got darker and darker. Hopeless. Timeless. Eternal hell. And I remember clearly that it was not that there was no escape like some people talk about. It was no place to escape to. This was it. This was the whole of existence.
And I was shown all the horrible sides to myself that was causing pain to other people and me also. Even if I didnt mean to. Sometimes I do stuff to make people feel good when what they really needed was an honest and brutal answer. I will never be a people pleaser anymore! And I also saw how almost all of my actions where driven by my ugly ego and short term gratifications and not love and understanding. So much fear! I was full of fear! I am going to die now!
I think I must have blacked out at that point because the next thing I can remember was floating over my body and the feeling I can never remember. I can only remember that it was the most amazing, most non-human feeling I had ever had. I was looking down on my body laying down there. I knew now that I had died and I was sort of laughing although that is too much of a human expression. I was humored that I had actually been so stupid to think that I was a human being. In reality I was eternal. I was GOD! I was the whole universe and I was just floating through space and time. I saw before I got too far away from my body that this universe, this planet, my life, with my friends, my family, my happiness and struggle had really only been the momentarily imagination of my soul. Nothing of that life mattered and it was soon forgotten. I was everything! I assume I experienced more up in that state but I do not remember much of it.
I later came down into my body. Totally shocked! Happy! Glad to have experienced enlightenment or whatever you want to call it. When I came back I could now see that one of the guys was laying with his head into the fireplace. The fire had died down. i had no concept of how long time had passed. He was talking through the fire. Making noises. Then I was gone for a while more. And back again he was now laying under some chairs. It was a bit funny. A lot of other stuff happened but this was the main stuff I think. We all came back at the same time. "Is it over now"? I was so shocked and scared afterwards that I did not felt like talking or looking at the others for a while. Just laying there like a fetus. Reborn into a scary new world of so many possibilities and so much love and so much fear!
I changed my view of the spiritual quest after that experience. I now knew that searching for enlightenment was not just rosy and cosy. It could also be brutal and there where no guaranties I would come out in the other end alive or "sane". I suddenly got really interested in shamanism and everything that deals with entheogens. I have since went on many trips but have never dared 4g, yet. My personality also changed a bit. No all for the "better", but I see now after two years that that trip alone gave me more insights than my whole life combined. I mean, its not even a fair fight. This is it! This is where we as humans have to look if we want to get back in touch with nature and ourselves. It just makes me sad when I see the gap between where we are and where we could be.
