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Awakening The Inner Self
4 - 7 - 14
Level 1 - 2
After watching some Amber Lyon videos and needing a bit of a stimulus after being out of work for a month I suddenly realised I needed some psilocybin. Although you could term it more of a calling than a realisation. Having only done shrooms once before, and over a year ago with a friend who knew all the ins and outs, I had to a bit of research to find out what I was looking for. This took about an hour or two until I remembered the distinctive form and golden brown colour to subs. I then took the push bike out and found several other mushroom species, one of which was extremely numerous - Gallerina sp.- and as I found later is also extremely poisonous. After about half an hour, just as dark was descending and I was losing hope, I found 2 subs amongst a few of the Gallerinas. I knew instinctively and immediately that these were what I was looking for and remember excitedly, but carefully, picking them then glancing up at my surroundings so I knew exactly where I was. I then took them home and photographed them in order to get a proper ID off the shroomery forum. I also took spore prints and let them dry out slowly in front of the fire. Tomorrow would be the day, it was now late and I didn't want to be tired whilst high on shrooms, even if it was just two.
I didn't sleep well anyway and the next day decided to try and find some more. Before setting off on the bike I thought I'd test the waters and consumed the cap of the smallest shroom. It was sunny and fresh cycling around the woods with a brisk wind blowing but no signs of any more shrooms in the pine plantation, I returned to my original finding place but it seems this was the only two there after a thorough search so I peddled a couple of hundred metres towards some native bush. There under two old Eucalyptus Cameldulensis (River Red Gums) were two separate patches with a good 5 -10 pickable subs under each one, with another 10 or so babies which I left for a later date. With the excitement I also felt those first tell tale tingling of my first mushroom kicking in, a very subtle 'off balance' feeling, a slight change to my thinking. It must have been over an hour and this confirmation was exactly what I needed.
After getting home and taking more photos and spore prints I made a cuppa, green tea with lemon juice and my remaining cap and stalks from the day before, together with one of the larger fresh shrooms which had definite signs of blueing. I also made some cabbage and vegetate soup because this is pretty much all I had left in the fridge and it felt like a good mix. It was 1:30pm.
The rest of the afternoon until about 5:30 was somewhat productive! At first sounds became really loud, I could hear every rustle of my clothes, every knock when I put something down. I sat on the couch and I notice a weird sort of fly I've never noticed before sitting on my arm, I tried to take a photo of it and then my phone made a weird sound like the auto focus kicking in which startled me and I dropped the phone. I got up and put some music on my phone - Jack Thompson - and it sounded so good, nuances and depths I've never heard before - complementary creative melodies and tones which just grab your attention and don't let go. I couldn't leave the sound of the music, I just had to carry my phone every with the music playing. The Sunlight was so clear now, everything was so colourful, a rainbow appeared on the floor through the window glass and seemed to sparkle so I tried to pick it up and it just sat there in my hand. The intense violet stood out most, a colour I've never really even noticed. Going outside a breath of wind gave such a blissful sensation it made me smile and then I couldn't stop smiling. I started to chop wood up for the fire that night, what is usually a chore becomes a joy. Again I couldn't stop until pretty quickly there was no wood left. I felt strong, my solar plexus was like a real thing, a part of my body just like an arm or a leg. I could feel its energy beaming into my core. The basic human need just to stretch and move and dance becomes evident, to connect you with your world. The outside world becomes part of you.
I started to notice all the artwork lying around the house so started framing things, a picture which is on my mantle piece suddenly has a diffuse circular pattern in the middle. It also has mountains which glimmer and a landscape perspective, all of which I've never noticed before. I look at it with my head tilted sideways, closely, then far away again, just glued to it because I can see it so clearly. At some point my balance starts to waver so I think about lying down but as soon as I do I get up again almost like I have too much energy.
I've been catching glimpses of my reflection in windows so I decide to go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. My reflection looks refreshed, almost like a younger me with healthier skin and thicker hair. Not wanting to sound egotistical but, I look good, so fit with energy and a smile I can't put away.
I make a cup of tea and sit outside to soak up the afternoon sun, a small bird flies and sits on the rose straight in front of me, probably 2 or 3 metres at most. I often see these birds in the front garden but they have never come close to me before. The music is still playing on my phone and it has bird noises in it, maybe this is what is attracting him, I don't know but its good 'tropical' house music, so chilled. The bird stays there whilst I drink my tea and I stop noticing him until I clear my throat with a bit of a cough and then he flies away. The sun has this golden glow, everything is golden now in the late afternoon and I can't remember being happier, maybe as a young child.
I start to feel like going out, I fancy a beer and need to get some food to eat. At first I think I should probably wait but I feel like I'm 'sobering up' so a few minutes later I end up going to the shops. People seem to be very friendly, I get into a conversation with the checkout chick at the supermarket, and another customer in the queue. The guy at the bottle shop goes out of his way to find me a box for the beers I wanted to buy. I half think that people must be thinking I'm still tripping slightly but everything/ everyone seems really natural, in fact more 'natural' than usual if that makes sense, like people are just happy instead of worrying about when their shift is finishing or whatever. I get order a take away curry and head home.
By the time I get home I've decided that I should take a few more shrooms. Retrospectively, this was probably a mistake. My next trip is a lot more 'negative' but I still find it cleared a few things up in my own head. Things I probably had to confront, or go through, so I don't really have any regrets except to say if you're just starting out on the whole shroom thing then I'd suggest just stick to the one hit then leave it for a week or so to sink in.
This time I picked out five medium to large shrooms and instead of making a tea just put them in a sieve to give them a wash (I worry about animal piss/ poo and herbicide spray), and then just munched them down with a beer. I don't mind the taste of the shrooms at all and thought I'd get a quicker and bigger hit if I chewed them up a bit before swallowing but even then I felt like I was killing the shroom in my mouth, like I was eating a live bug or something. However I couldn't believe how quickly these set in, it must have been less than five minutes or certainly felt like it. I didn't even have chance to light the fire or eat anything.
My balance started to waver again, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, straight away I looked older and more decrepit. My left eyebrow seemed to be protruding or swollen slightly, I'm not sure if its real or I'm just imaging it. There is no pain when I touch it but just looks slightly odd like I've been stung by a bee or something. Then my hands seem to do this involuntarily movement like a 'come here' gesture, or an offering straight towards the mirror. My eyes are glued to my self, questioning, and I'm thinking 'what the hell is going on', but I still can't take my eyes off myself. Its like my reflection is trying to look deep within my own soul and I can't break away. My pupils suddenly look extremely dilated and my facial expression changes, like I'm doubting my own self. I see and feel my face do some unusual contortions, like I'm testing how freaked out my reflection can make me feel. Or how freaked out I can make myself feel subconsciously. Looking back its almost like I didn't believe that the person in the mirror was actually me, or that I couldn't quite make that connection at some level so I genuinely thought that my reflection actually had a mind of its own so to speak. Suddenly I hear a double tap knocking noise coming from one of the back bedrooms at the end of the corridor which makes me freeze. I just stare down the corridor for a while and then decide that I have to sit down. I'm uneasy on my feet now, I sort of stumble along the corridor to the living room so I can sit on the couch.
On the way to the living room I notice an unusual thing, my phone is just lying on the floor in the middle of the corridor and I don't know how it got there. I pick it up anyway so I can put some music on and go to sit down but the music doesn't sound right so I turn it off again. I can't stop thinking how weird that encounter was with myself and I'm sort of shaking my head in disbelief and then I'm suddenly sober. Its like the mushrooms have completely worn off and I'm left with nothing, or just my 'normal' self. I'm pissed off, I say to myself 'what, is that it'. Anyway I sit down and just try to think about what just happened with the mirror, I sink back in the chair still in a state of disbelief. I try to light the fire then get my food and sit down to eat it, I can only eat a few mouthfuls, don't feel hungry anymore although it tastes really good. I put the TV on and every channel has some depressing shit on - it really starts to get to me so I turn it off again. The fire's not going, I sit there for ages trying to get the fire going but the wood just won't take. I'm running out of energy and my mind starts to eat itself up with personal issues I've got to deal with, this seems to go on for ages until I give up with the fire. I keep hearing knocking noises and squeaks around the house but don't have the energy to investigate. I sit back in the chair again and close my eyes, in my mind I'm still completely sober.
However, seemingly before my eyes are even fully closed I see an image in my what I can only describe as my third eye, it hits me so suddenly and with so much colour I open my eyes again in shock. It was an image of Buddha with the typical azure blue, green, yellow and pink colours of eastern buddhist art. The Buddha looked to be throwing orbs of fractals or energy towards me from his arms in a dance. I slowly close my eyes again and this time see slowly moving pieces on a tetras like grid, all going down and mainly to the left with different pieces fitting snugly together. It feels as though my life is being prescribed by Buddha and being built with this code and that there's no point trying to fight it. This is what is making me depressed, trying to fight this code but I contest that I don't want to give up my freedom, my individuality.
Usually when I close my eyes and imagine something I see it behind my eyelids or in my normal field of vision, these images were deeper than that and lower, behind the middle of my nose maybe and completely involuntary. I couldn't control them, only observe. These are more of the images I want to explore in future trips and hopefully in a more relaxed state.
My eyes aren't focusing on the same thing now, I decide to try and roll a smoke but the writing on the papers is really long, 'rollies' has turned into 'rolerleries' sort of thing. Then I start to think that the shrooms are actually a living entity in my veins and they are trying to take control of my body. So I ask the shrooms if they want a smoke, and I look at my hands and they are just feeling the papers, slowly moving them through my finger tips. Eventually, after a long time, I manage to actual roll a smoke and go outside to light it. Everything is green. It's dark now and the street lights are on. I go to the back garden and look up at the stars, the whole sky is green instead of black, I can see the Milky Way streaking across the sky and even it has a washed out, but vivid green complexion. My mind continues with the living shroom entity in my body theme, I am showing the shrooms 'my world', saying (in my head) 'here are our trees - they are all green because of chlorophyll' and other weird stuff. My next door neighbour startles me by pulling her car in to the driveway, I immediately have to scuttle away, I can't imagine trying to have a conversation or even say a simple 'hello' right now. I walk to the bottom of the garden but feel like an old man, like I have a limp in one leg. I'm trying to have a smoke but end up just dropping it on the floor. I see two stars move, at first I think they're satellites next to each other but moving in opposite directions, then they seem to revolve around each but stop and go back again. Everything is extremely vivid and clear again now, the moon has split into 4 or 5 shimmering crescents and I still can't get over how green everything is.
I decide I need to go to bed and just lie down and close my eyes but I start hearing more noises around the house. I go to the back bedroom which is usually closed off and its cold, I'm expecting to see some sort of presence but nothing's there, then I hear another scraping noise back towards the bathroom. I close the the door firmly and put the TV back on in the living room, the tennis is on now which I can safely watch without the sound on - I can't take the commentary or the adverts! Then the back bedroom door swings open, I don't feel freaked out but sort of want to work out what exactly is going on. These things have never happened before to me in this house. I just let my mind assume that some sort of presence is sat with me watching the tennis. I can't remember much more of the night, I know I went to bed shortly after and actually slept well. A lot of today has been mulling over these vivid memories. I certainly feel more alive and went out to check for some more shrooms, found two very close by but they were in a garden bed and looked like they had been sprayed with herbicide, very firm and rubbery so I threw them to spore under some old Redgums. I shall persist, until my next encounter with the Buddha code.