What's wrong with me? I have a job, I have my own place, my parents are so proud of me...but I dont' feel okay. I'm stuck. I feel myself turning to mush more and more everyday. Routine, routine, routine...work, sleep, laundry, clean, "go out", repeat. I don't get the point. What is the point of being me and who I am being?
I was in a good mood on Saturday. Feeling super chill, light, and comfortable. Today should be the day. I asked my boyfriend to bring me a dose. Usually, I will whine to my boyfriend about how nervous I am and then in about a half hour I would proclaim to him that I am taking whatever I am taking, giddy and excited and of course, always nervous. But around 6:50pm while I was sitting on the grass in front of Sherwood Stage, I casually took the strip out and bit off half of it without saying a word, perhaps because I felt it would take away the strange calmness that I was feeling. My boyfriend noticed I was talking weird because of the strip about 5 minutes later though. I stayed calm. I frolicked around the forest and in between stages for about 2 hours and about every 10 minutes I would stare at something to see if it looked different. Nope. I would analyze my thoughts to see if I was thinking strange. Nope. Psh. Acid. I was feeling more calm than usual. What a chill drug. I guess acid makes you super chill and laid back - I can dig it. Kind of wish I was seeing things, but it's all good. Maybe I should take another half for shits and giggles - this doesn't do shit anyways. Or maybe half wasn't enough. I bought another half for $5 and took it. One hour later - still chill as fuck. Sitting in the grass watching fireworks was dope and I was being real friendly to everyone. Laughing at people's "jokes" that weren't even funny. At one point, I just started laughing out of nowhere and tried hiding my face because I thought my boyfriend would think i was laughing at him. After he asked me 5 times what was so funny, all I could do was tilt my head back, eyes closed, and laugh. Who knows what was even so funny. Acid - chill and goofy. I can see why people take this now.
It was finally getting dark at around 10pm so our group decided to wander the forest. But first I had to go to the bathroom. I felt kind of light walking to the bathroom and then I felt some pressure in my head. Did I just stand up too fast? Probably. I opened the porta-potty door and closed it and...wait. What the fuck. Why is the dark staring at me. There are monsters and shapes in this porta-potty staring at me. Shit, fuck, I have to finish going to the bathroom and get out of here. I finally opened the door and the trees and dirt looked dizzying. I was dizzying. I kind of stumbled out and said "Where's *boyfriend*?" about 5 times frantically until I saw him behind me. I hugged him and said "Oh. I think I'm tripping." He looked excited, as he had always wanted me to trip. The world around me felt...big, spacious. Much more spacious than usual. And when I looked up at the trees, they intertwined with each other beautifully. From this point on, I cannot remember what happened first, second, or last. Only that it had happened.
The Silent Disco: I walked/stumbled into the silent disco and placed the headphones on my ears. A remix of the Beatles was blasting and let me tell you - I fucking hate the Beatles. But tonight, they were AMAZING. The words I remember ringing crystal clear in my heart while I started in awe at the 3D pictures of a land in space - "The sun is up, the sky is blue, It's beautiful and so are you." And so are you. Me. I was beautiful. These lands in the pictures - they knew. They knew me. They surrounded me and enchanted me with truth. A truth I had always had, but never known.
I layed down in the grass at STS9 and looked up at the sky and I saw the stars. I remember seeing a particularly big, shining star. Perhaps it was a light on the stage, but I gazed into the light and heard the universe. In just a few moments, the universe touched me and showed me who I was when I was born. I had seen my soul, clear of fog, for the first time. It was like I was seeing my life rolled up into a ball instead of a straight line. I saw who I was when I was born, who I was throughout my life so far, and who I was now. And it was all the same person, the same soul. The universe had reminded me that I was doing nothing wrong. It told me to not be afraid of loving myself and to never, ever think I was doing something wrong. I finally knew and felt like I was a good person and I always had been.
About 5 hours into the trip, I preached to my boyfriend my revelations. He hugged me tight and was so happy for me - he knew the struggles I went through all too well with comparing myself to other people and being so hard on myself. This negativity that was eating me up and poisoning me had been released. We were both genuinlly overjoyed. (While I ranted to my boyfriend about this, walking through the forest and sand felt like I was on a humongous beach on the moon - one of the coolest feelings ever).
I had many more random brilliant sights that I saw and mind boundaries that I broke that night for about 12 hours and was immensely exhausted from tripping, but extremely happy with what I learned. I still have the same mundane life of working, sleeping, cleaning...but I am happy with myself and that has made ALL the difference. I am so happy that acid has expanded my mind to see my soul. My heart is finally at peace.