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Ego Death

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I am writing this in an effort to better understand my ego death and why this particular experience was so intense. I have tripped on acid 3 times before and shrooms once before, all positive experiences, never had a bad trip until this one, eventhough i wouldent consider all of this trip bad. My other experience with shrooms was extremely mild, i split an eighth with a friend and let it sit in lemon juice for 20 minutes and shot it back, i only experienced mild euphoria and speeding up of my thoughts. This being my only other experience with shrooms i was not expecting what was coming for me.

Yesterday I got an eighth of shrooms and went to my girlfriends house, who would be my trip sitter, she has no experience with psychedelics, only weed and alcohol. I put a rasberry tea snapple in a b lender with the shrooms and set it to liquify. The drink tasted mostly like snapple and took me 10 minutes to drink. By now the time was 2:40 in the afternoon. We went upstairs to her room and packed a bong. I wanted to do this right away as there was some discomfort in my stomache. As we smoke the bong i begin to feel the come up effects, my brain speeding up slightly. When we finish the bongpack i get a rush of energy and want to take a walk. So we do. As i went downstairs i noticed patterns on the steps. We take our walk to some horsetrails nearby. As the walk progresses communication with her gets more and more difficult as i become more and more under the influence. Everything she says sounds weird to me as if she was saying it with some kind of attitude, causing me to react negatively. I tell her everything she says sounds weird and communication is getting difficult for me and she lets me know shes not taking anything i say seriously, which comforts me. By the time we get back from the walk i am very immersed in the trip, feeling like it took hours when it only took 20-30 mins if that. We return to her bed upstairs and i note that at this point the trip kind of felt like acid, except without the extreme mindfuck. That was about to change. I begin having instense closed eye visuals. For a brief moment i thought i was seeing what was around me with my eyes closed almost like x-ray vision. I also had another vision of a rotating view of a guy slumping over sitting down, which i realized was me. The trip is increasing in intensity, i feel as if my mind is becoming more and more evacuated. i start randomly laughing and crying, still not a bad trip but still growing more and more intense. My girlfriend remarks that she feels everything I'm feeling but not exactly. I completely understand her. From here things get hazy. A wave of panic is beginning to come over me. I believe it had something to do with the physical discomfort in my stomache nearly the whole time. I start having out of body experiences, and at the same time feeling like I'm tapping into some greater pool of knowledge, because i wasnt in myself i was simply existing. I begin crying but out of awe. I tell my girlfriend that every single second is the most mindblowing thing ive ever experienced in my entire life. As i feel more and more out of my body the panic gets stronger and stronger. I tell my girlfriend to look up ego death so she would have a better understanding of what is happening to me. I believe it is in part because i didnt expect this strong of a trip at all considering my previous experience with shrooms, and i begin to feel as something is wrong. I remember saying that i feel like i have to pee but it doesnt even matter and that i felt like i had to pee through my hands. And as the panic continued to set in i began saying things like I feel like everything is wrong and theres absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. My hands were tensing up in a claw like manner that i could not control that was scaring my girlfriend. I was not in control of my body. I contunue to loose my mind more and more and the panic continued to set in untill i was in a state of pure fear. I begin hysterically crying telling my girlfriend that im just so afraid. I described it at the time as like throwing up but worse. I told her i felt like i was dying and that i felt like something was seriously wrong, i felt like i was trapped in the trip and would never be the same again. I told her that if i was never the same again or ended up in a mental institution that i wanted her to fucking kill me. I feel an extreme feeling of hopelessness and depression feeling like the only solution is for me to die. In an effort to help me over this bad trip my girlfriend brings me from her room to another bedroom downstairs. As soon as i hit the bed I am out of my body again, still panicking. I felt like i seriously fucked up my brain and that i was going to die. The most frightening thing was at times i felt like i already died and i didnt care, that i was trapped in nothingness for eternity, trapped in hell. At times i felt like i didnt exist, but i didn't care, but not caring about not existing and not caring about dying were extremely disturbing feelings. Eventually we went back upstairs, still panicking untill i hit the bed upstairs and close my eyes. Finally the panic is over. I feel an intense calm over me and I am so happy. I get in an extremely cuddly mood cuddling the shit out of my girlfriend thanking her for helping me through that. She was there the whole time trying to comfort me telling me everything is going to be ok. I felt a flood of emotion, emotion that i believe i was holding back in my relationship with her, and this traumatic experience was the wall i had up between us breaking. We cuddled some more and eventually went downstairs to eat and smoke another bong pack. At this point I'm in a dreamlike state, my body is extremely comfortable everywhere like the world is my bed. I have some visuals like red and green streaks across my vision. At this point it is about 7 and she has to run an errand so i stayed at her house in her room and drift in and out of consciousness for about 40 mins untill she returns. When she does I'm mostly back to normal and we cuddle some more and fuck and cuddlle some more untill i walk home at 12:30.

I am still kind of confused as to why this trip was so strong, because half an eighth was barley anything to me. I definatley under estimated shrooms and when it got too intense it freaked me out because i wwasn't expecting it and it made me think something was seriously wrong. My acid trips were pretty enjoyable and i never felt paranoid or panicked. This is my first experience with ego death and it was pretty disturbing and traumatic. I will definatley do shrooms again but not anytime soon. Next time i will be better prepared to loose myself, and hopefully experience ego death in a more calm, less panicked matter. Any input on how to better prepare for loosing myself would be appreciated.

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