After a while off hallucinogens I did Psilocybe cubensis with the
dearest person that I can think of and I would like to share our swim in
the seas of horror with you.
2 Adults the weight of 67kg and 57kg
2g of Psilocybe cubensis
We poured the shrooms in the cups and added hot water, lemon and
honey. Waited around 20 minutes and stirred and squashed the stems and
the caps every five minutes, after those 20 minutes of agonizing waiting
for the unknown we went down the rabbit hole with great anticipations.
We drink the tea and look awkwardly at each other with big smiles, the ones that you see kids have just smiling for no particular reason. The excitement was intense so I could not sit around my kitchen table and wait for it to kick in so I decided to go to the store and buy some orange juice. Girlfriend was not exited about the idea of going out while on shrooms but agreed. We put on our shoes and walk downstairs. Already then I had a feeling of it kicking in but what it was is the joy that pumped in my veins. We get out and as we walk to the store we talk about relaxation and letting shroom take you, while we talk we have reached the store and we buy the orange juice and this is where it kicks in, faster for my girlfriend and some minutes later for me. We look at each other and start laughing uncontrollably, and we are walking and walking not really feeling the time. Everything is good and happiness surrounds us both, as we walk through the old town the buildings start moving, the air ripples, lights start flickering and time is slowed and fast forwarded in a perfect sequence. Girlfriend decides that we should go home because she did not feel too well, stomach ache etc. and so we went home laughing our ass off.
We get to the stairs and this is where the halucinations really start, the walls are like hot steam and they move intensivly in wave like formations, it seems like we are walking for a very long time up the staircase, the feeling of getting nowhere is making us both laugh like hyenas. At last we get to our apartment and i try unlocking the doors but that was the hardest thing in the whole trip because the keys seemed like glued to my hand. I tried to throw them in the air but they refused to move. At last we got inside and found our comfortable spot. I was sitting in the window and she was laying on her back on the couch. Everything was moving and it felt for me that i was almost sitting outside beneath a tree because there were shadows and flickering "sunlight" everywhere. Faces, patterns and vibrations started to appear as we enjoyed this euphoric feeling of being in the warmth of the universe even though we were sitting in an apartment block in the middle of the town where the nearest tree is kilometers away.
A half an hour or an hour passed while we enjoyed our selves, this is where we started to peak and we both lost it. My girlfriend started to see vivid images right in front of her and she got enormously scared by this which later on resulted in panic that spread like wildfire in my soul. She told me in the aftermath that she could not comprehend what was going on and that she tried to talk reason with the trip and when that failed the physical pain (stomach ache etc.) made her think that she is going to die here. This is where i told her to come with me and lay down under the blanket in our sleeping room and sleep it out and that was not such a good idea when I think about it now. We got under the blanket and it was freezing cold and that really got into me, I started to think maybe this was some bad shit that we ate but even though I decided to try to hold her and just survive through the trip. This seemed easier than it was because the girl was in extreme panic and that burned me so badly, I almost went into a catatonic state my self. I told her to not to talk to me, just close her eyes and be here.
The fear was real I felt it sneaking from every side and lurking around in the flickering light. In the moments where I was not telling her to not talk to me I closed my eyes and tripped hard, I was in a kaleidoscope and was looking at images moving around it like if someone was turning it all the time. The images i saw were horrible, it was red, blood, purple, veins and blood. I suddenly got the idea that the way out is just to cut my veins and bleed out this sorrow that surrounded me at this moment. This is where I knew that if we stay for a moment longer under that blanket we would fucking jump out of the 3rd floor window that was looking at me and screaming his welcome. I told my girlfriend that we have to move to the living room and watch some American Dad and so we did, cuddling under the blanked we watched and tried to focus on the cartoon. This helped and we eventually backed out from the hallucinations and the feeling of fear. At the top of this there was a short while where I saw a manly shape, bald and no specific features but i knew it was a man. This image was made of all the rainbows colors and as they were moving it faded.
We came down very quick, it just happened without any notice. Then we took a walk and I noticed that ego death was lurking in my soul. It lasted around a week and eventually it has come back now. It has been a month since this trip.
Now I have a question that has been lurking around in my head, or maybe two.
Does anyone know what man I was talking about?
Why does ego death happen and why does it take so long time to come back?