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melting into the earth
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As we settled down in the tall grass of a secluded part of the lake, sunset began to near. The world took on many new hues and it was like everything had a reflective sheen of crystal.
Details were sharpened, its like a young child walking around, everything is so beautiful you cant help but look around.
There was wind, tall trees, the wind blowing the water created a glorious vision for our eyes that it felt like we were inhabiting a dream scape.
i patted the ground, the dirt, i got on all fours and walked around and thought about how this vision of the world, with this much detail, is how life is supposed to be, yet we tune it out as we grow to "better adapt for survival" too much information, just like societies ideals, too much nature, must refine, contain, categorize, civilize it.
Seeing the world through these new eyes was a truly transcendental experience.
before we left i became fascinated with my ability to pick up our jar of lemonade and move it a foot away from its starting location, the weight, the texture, my ability to move an object, it was beautiful, my ability to manipulate objects was amazing.
my nose kept
running and as i'd wipe the snot away i felt like i kept rubbing chunks
of my face off, like my head was made of noodles and every swipe took
out more noodles.
a kayaker came down the lake and
with his smooth paddling motion, made his way across our view and it was
like crystal, the difference between seeing life on an overcast day and
seeing it on a bright HD television.
it got darker and we packed up and traveled, we felt like we were in an amazon jungle, i was barefoot and felt like i was a hobbit bouncing about with the thick callouses of my feet. we stopped occasionally to stare at a tree, and then another until i came to one and couldn't help but to hug it and then rap it with my knuckles and to hear the sound it makes.
we began to run down the trail a bit until we came to a big wide open spot with a clear view of the lake, and we sat down and it became hard for me to move or sit up, i wanted to move yet couldn't get the energy to do so, and it was cold from the wind despite my layers so my friend and i cuddled into a ball for warmth and that's when it started to happen, i started to slightly fall asleep and curled into a ball for warmth and it felt like i was in a mothers embrace, like i was still inside the womb, i'd worm and squirm my way deeper into my friends arms like i was trying to bury myself in the feelings of warmth and the weight of limbs, the hands felt reassuring, the warmth comforting, but as soon as the physical needs were met the psychological needs surfaced.
I started to review life, i thought of little cave men shooting sticks from primitive bows, hunting food, surviving in the world, but i felt such contentment, such bliss that i almost felt like dying wouldn't even matter, i felt now, that i was part of the ground, like i was a mountain, a pile of dirt, a piece of land, and every time i would drift deeper, i'd hum or call my friends name to make sure i wasn't alone for sometimes i'd go so deeply into thought i wouldn't recognize the pressure of my friends arm or the warmth of their body.
i began to visualize the decay of my body and re-absorption into the earth and thought that this was a beautiful thing not to be feared and that all life seems to be is a collection of atoms, we consume food, and drink water and then we give it back to nature in a different form which feeds and nourishes life in big circles, and now humans are collecting all these atoms in the form and shapes of material possessions, and money, and goods, and i remember my friend telling me how they were upset that there was so much litter around this beautiful place and i simply wondered, why do we have things that when thrown away, are considered littering? why cant it just decay and join back with the earth, give back the atoms.
eventually i made my way out of this cave of thought and my friend and i packed up again and began to run down the trail in the night, me barefoot, and we ran for a bit until we came to the gate but we were not ready to walk through it yet so we headed back to a bench and waited, i could not tell if this is a metaphor or not.
i put my shoes on from my pack and we walked and walked the trail seeing all the trees in the dark, and at this point i couldn't tell if my friend was real or if they were just a part of my mind i'd invented for comfort and security but we made it back to the gate once again and this time my friend climbed over which made me inclined to do the same and when i got to the top of the gate i froze for a few minutes, i couldn't hop down, doing parkour i should be able to do this easily but i felt the familiar mental fear and couldn't jump, i took a few breaths, i counted down, and i jumped down and landed, i fell over but i felt the familiar release of the fear's hold on me as i made it through the mental barrier.
when i reached the car just like i couldn't tell if my friend was real for a time i couldn't find certain objects, my keys, my water bottle, and i would reach around my backpack and try to "believe" i had just grabbed them so as to make reality change and have the object in my hand and for a brief moment it worked until reality started to kick back in and i'd find that i had nothing in my hand and i'd have to "really" hunt for the object to get it in my grasp.
my friend and i made it back to my car and inside we ate chocolate bars and napped a bit with my friend watching over me as i napped before they left me in the night to sleep in peace.
it was a life changing night.