When I came home from work that afternoon to go on this trip, I hadn't been having the best day of my life. It was a rather ordinary day actually. I was definitely feeling a bit off balance though. Nothing had been going right for me. I had had a lot of confusion in my life as of late, and a lot of trouble figuring out where and what I exactly wanted to be doing. Who was I? What the fuck am I doing? Common questions had been chewing on my brain. The typical stuff was apparent... Why don't I enjoy my customer service/retail job (other than the fact that it is retail)? Should I quit this job? Find a new one that pays more? And by the way, why has it been a year since I had a girlfriend, let alone had sex? There's so many pretty women. Why aren't I with any of them? Where were all of my friends?
Two days prior to this trip, I had even realized that for the last 3 trips I had taken on mushrooms, I had overestimated my dose considerably... My scale had been calibrated incorrectly. Every time I thought I had been taking something like 7 grams, I had actually been taking more like 2. Being new to psychedelics at the time, it's not surprising that I had made this kind of mistake. When I had found out my
scale was wrong, I had also been tripping on .5 grams, thinking that it
had originally been 4, the fact that I had been tripping with a bit of a
placebo had devastated me even more, and I could scarcely believe what a fool I had been. How could the mushrooms have
played me so? I was so embarrassed. I was so humbled by my own mushroom stash.
I had to fix things. I had to figure my shit out and make things right, dammit. My mind was in a bit of a tizzy, clouded by ridiculous thoughts. It wasn't the best day to do it, and I wasn't in the best mood, but at least I had had a good day at work. I needed to do this. I had a couple of things in my favor after all. The weather was nice outside on this day for the first time in a long time, and I had a park right down my street that I could go to if I felt like being outside. In fact, I had never been outside shrooming before. Today was starting to seem like a better idea after all. With my good mindset and setting in somewhat definitive certainty, I embarked. I pulled out my bag of shit and weighed out 3.5 grams dried cubensis on my now correctly calibrated scale. I put a little bit more on the scale to maybe cope with the tolerance a bit, and I got 3.71 total. It was done. Down the hatch. Consumed. Set in motion. Everything had been set, and there was all to be conquered, but nothing guaranteed.
To begin the trip, I started with a new idea. I wanted to listen to my favorite techno music with most of the lights off and with fractals playing on the television screen. About a half hour in, I began to get the sensation that everything was starting. This was going to be a pretty potent trip compared to my earlier ones, and I took note of how daunting the amount on my scale had looked earlier. I just tried to stay cool; told myself I could do it and that everything was only temporary. If things went badly, I could get through it.
After a few deep breaths, the relaxation began to take root in my soul. I was feeling serene. Ahh, yeah. Sitting up straight watching the TV wasn't enough. I sprawled out and smirked at the feeling. It was good to be high, but I wasn't enjoying myself yet. As the trip persisted, I could see the visuals coming in. My eyes were darting like those of a wild falcon. Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling, I could see the fractals and colors rocketing forth. I closed my eyes, and saw a world of immense beauty within my eyelids. Something that always fascinates me about the CEV's that people get when they're tripping, is that those images are a part of the subject's mind. When you see beautiful kaleidoscopes and fantastic rainbow patterned time dimensional wormholes, those are all being projected by your mind, and then reinterpretted by your brain. It's amazing that hallucinations cause us to think that we're seeing what we're actually not, and this is why psychedelics are so cool, because they can teach you to see the world in a different way. In the end the fallacious visuals will wear off, but the spiritual conclusions of your trip will create in you a new fire... a new way of seeing things. You can literally become a new person.
As all of this was sort of flying through my mind, I began to come back to reality a bit and made the conclusion that I was very high. 3.71 grams is no joke for someone new, and so I was just laying there on the couch wrapped in my blanket and pajamas getting used to things. I had stopped watching my TV with the fractal videos playing, and this was the moment I realized how boring television is. God, it's so fucking boring. Who cares what you are seeing on a screen when your living room wall is practically the surface of the moon?
Suddenly it hit. I had to get the fuck out of here. Here I was laying alone in my house covered in a blanket like a scared little rabbit, thinking I was on some psychedelic quest to cleanse my soul. It really began to seem quite absurd that I was trying so hard to trip while tripping. What the fuck was any of this doing for me? I was just bored. I had to get up, get some pants on, and fucking find that park I had been thinking about earlier. I had to see a tree. And just like that, my new goal was to walk outside and see a tree or watch some grass. I had never been to this park before, but I knew where it was, and it was only a few blocks away from me. So I got up.
Stumbling through my house, I eventually got on my shoes. This was a very hard thing for me, as I was an hour into my trip. The dose was hitting me as hard as it would for the rest of the day. I was peaking for sure. I put on my jacket, walked out the door, went back inside, and switched my jacket, and shoes atleast 2-3 times. This was so familiar... It was me just trying to control my environment again. What the fuck, I thought. Why the fuck does it even matter? Just put on some fucking shoes and and a jacket and get outside. Jesus Christ.
It was bright and sunny out as I was walking down the sidewalk. With my huge pupils I had to squint everywhere I went. I felt like I was in a desert... concrete surrounded me everywhere and I could barely see more than 100 meters out in front of me. A couple times I cracked the hell up as I passed ordinary objects like garbage cans. I mean, you would laugh to if you passed the most beautiful garbage can you've ever seen. Everything was glazed in this sort of ridiculously smooth texture... Everything looked like it was made of silk. God it was awesome.
When I made it to the park, there were plenty of people around, but I was able to find some space near the edge of the park with benches, an empty concrete pool for toddlers during the summer months, and some steps where teens can go skateboarding and shit. There was graffiti on the wall that seemed pretty cool, but I made no real notice of the artwork, because I was too busy watching the ground consistently shifting below my feet.
Tiny pebbles, bits of sand and rock, were all moving around in kaleidoscopic patterns. The world had this order to it that made it rotate seemlessly and wherever I looked the world was literally alive and moving. I thought it was so fucking cool. As I looked up, sitting from my bench, I saw a few trees overhead, branches bare and leafless. The arms and branches of the trees would move slowly around, entangling and then untangling themselves, making amazing knots with all of the threads of wood. It was as if I was watching the best nature documentary of my life. Oh yeah, sure. Sometimes some kids would wander near me. Moms too. But I kept my giggling and excitement to a minimum. If anything I was muttering to myself, cussing my brains out. One of my favorite things to say with a sigh was, "God, that's so fucking cool. Jesus Christ."
Before long I had to get up and walk around. I had brought my headphones, and was listening to some real pounding spiritual techno music. I turned it up and even moved to the beat as I walked around. I would balance on the ledges of the little empty concrete pool, which was only about a foot deep. I noticed how I never fell, and that even though I felt really high, it was not the same sort of physical motor inhibition that alcohol would provide. I felt pretty content to move around once I got used to it. But I did feel kind of like when you wake up after breaking a fever, like my head was heavy, and my lims were so light.
I saw a lot of people as I stood, danced, and wandered around my little pond area for the next two hours. I lost complete track of time and realized it was for the best as I sorted out all of my problems in my head. The longer I stayed present at the park under my trees, with the people coming and going around me, the more I figured out. It didn't take long for me to decide who I actually was. And it was easy to tell: I was such a fucking idiot, and I was also the most extraordinarily sensitive and average person on the face of the Earth. I crouched in the sunlight and looked up at the beautiful sky to realize how small I am. Nothing was the same. I'm no loser. God, I felt so stupid. It's hard to describe exactly what I learned, but all I kept telling myself was that I am too uptight, and that I need to fucking relax. I decided that from now on I'll never rain on anybody's good time, and that I'll never bring anybody down. I want to be the same person in my mind that people know me to be in reality. I was feeling so alive. I decided then that my problem was never my job, or finding girls, it was me. I had never been missing any of the things in my life that I needed to feel happier, I was just missing the entire point which was to relax and have a great time. God, I was having a blast. I was just bouncing around at this park, enjoying myself and enjoying everybody around me. There was this beautiful woman playing tennis with what looked to be her boyfriend. God, they were gorgeous; especially her. I remember thinking that I could even get with her if I wanted right now. I could impress anybody. Hell, I was fucking impressive. I decided then that I never give myself enough credit. I'm really quite a cool guy, and all I ever needed to do was submit to this whole relaxation thing.
The whole "Be yourself. Be relaxed." theme of my trip soon became the thesis of it all. It was my power phrase. Never hurt anybody. Never bring anybody down who is having a good time. I mean, come on... shame on you, man. Get happy! Oh God, I don't know. I was just having way too much fun realizing how lucky I am and how happy I can be if I just calm the fuck down and smoke a bowl or something. I remember thinking that I was now suddenly more cool than I was before this trip, because I now understood what psychedelics were all about to me. I don't take shrooms for a spiritual purpose, or for ego loss, or for deep creative purposes, because to me... all that means is to be yourself and have a good time. I don't necessarily need meditation or a dark room with the lights turned off in order to reach enlightenment, and fuck, you know, I don't even need enlightenment. We're all going to choose the way we see things, and we're all just people. So why fight that? Just do what you're going to do, and have a great time. As I've said already, I won't rain on your parade.
The visuals were all still totally making me cry and making my jaw drop. I was totally elated. This had been too much, and I didn't care what level trip this was, or how much I had taken. God this was way too much. It was so beautiful. I could barely capture how fucking stupid I had been even earlier that day. Earlier that day I had been just a no one; an idiot. God, I was still an idiot. And I was laughing about it. So funny. I thought it so fitting, you know?
Like I said before, I went home after about two hours at the park. I was way too high to do much like drive a car or venture out to do very much, so I just stayed inside and prepared for the comedown. I played some video games, and just felt myself melt into my house. I watched movies, made dinner, and talked with some friends online. It had been the perfect day. I didn't need some nice experience for my comedown like seeing a sunset or having sex with my nonexistent girlfriend, because I was more than happy to have my possessions, have my job, be surrounded by my friends, and most importantly, to be myself.
That's all I got. What happened the next day doesn't matter, and I don't need to talk about it. All that's important to know is what happened at the park, and how it changed who I am, just like I was talking about how psychedelics destroy boundaries in your mind. I freaking love mushrooms and can't believe how little I ever knew about them as a younger guy, as well as how lucky I am now to have tried them.