50 Liberty caps - one unpleasant trip.

A problem for me perhaps was that I didn't have a sitter, plus I'm inexperienced. To seek comfort, I went to the bed to lie down and try to think out what is happening as the onset was very quick and I don't have experience with the dose I took. To try to rationalize the situation. I told myself "It only lasts about 6 hours" and "lets just wade it out and hope it gets better". Then my rational self just faded. Gone. Completely reachable. I had these crazy thoughts about not understanding where my position was in reality and society and the concept of time felt alien and irrational. I lost the understanding of future, present and past. Luckily there was still an innate feeling of consequence which stopped me calling an ambulance. However, the time distortion made me feel really distressed as I didn't want to hurt myself or do something I regret. I wanted my sober way of thinking. Badly. I tried to see what mistakes I done to make myself feel these negative emotions/sensations and I felt that lacking a sitter was an issue. The issue of not having someone to talk to made me imagine voices and images of people's faces appeared (ones I didn't recognize). I was struggling to make out if these voices were real or not - which made me confused and I felt out of control. And then the idea of mushrooms bringing mental problems on the surface. As a result of hearing the voices and seeing the faces I thought "oh shit, am I schizophrenic?" Consequently, this made me feel more distressed. I remember reading up that you should just embrace the experience and let it consume you; I tried but I already wanted to think normally again before this concept was raised so I couldn't. Reasoning and reality just crumbled.

In terms of visual hallucinations there wasn't too much. Sure I did see faces, but I knew they were not real nor did I pay much attention to them. One sensation that was coupled with visual hallucination was the feeling of being out of phase with reality. Everything looked fractured and everything was tripled with each of the three out of phase images shifting. Colors were not changed that much with opened eyes; but everything did take a purple hue. However with closed eyes, there were patterns of rich color morphing; unfortunately, due mood I was in, I didn't really find care about them. There was an odd sensation that gave me neither positive or negative feelings, which was of being watched by the voices. What was being watched at was mostly my thoughts; by the voices. Some call it the 6th sense, being able to register whats happening to you without you actually witnessing it. You know the feeling when someone who you just walked past someone and you feel their eyes on you? I felt this with each voice; each voice gave me an image of a single eye - each voice looking different. When the voices were looking at me they would stop and so would time. Now thinking about it I think these voices were some kind of manifestation myself - they all certainly had a human quality yet they felt unearthly, but personal. During all this time (was about 2 hours) I tried to contact my brother on Skype who has some experience with hallucinogens, I wanted to talk to someone real. He wasn't online but I still posted it.  

I posted :

"[His name] I am really scared

I just took a lot of mushrooms

Call mom

Get her"

I tried to call my mom  but I couldn't operate the phone properly, however my mom did get a missed call. For the remainder of the trip, I thought I had enough, I sent the message to my bro (which gave me huge relief) and I just sat on the bed with the TV on letting the my mind go wild. There was a cool effect - not appreciated at the time - in which the words said on TV would become the sounds of what I was thinking. The sound of the TV would also pause with  my thoughts or my thoughts paused when the sound of the TV stopped - I don't know. To my fortune, the whole trip lasted only 3 hours. The onset was very quick and so was the offset [?] is that the right word? There was no trauma from the bad trip, in fact I had a a happy after glow for the remainder of the day where the colors were more soft yet more vibrant. I want to hit the fields again and save up some liberty caps for a better time. I think I've learnt a lot.

I edited this on the 24th of January 2014 to fix some grammar and I wish to make a point about what this trip has gave to me.

Its been about 3 months now. I had some de realization for about a month after the trip, but not interfering with work or day to day life. What this trip told me (I learnt only about 2 months after the trip) that our thoughts need to monitored better and not let them control you. The mushroom played around with my thoughts to show me that my thoughts influence my emotions greatly. Now when I am angry with someone and I start to think aggressive, bad thoughts  I - metaphysically - step back and tell myself that these thoughts are destructive and bad for both yourself and whoever you are angry towards. I recently started meditation and found the peace created very insightful. I also have taken an interest into the importance of religion and I am very interested into the Buddhist religion. I very much like the Noble Eightfold Path. I believe this mushroom trip, albeit distressing, has been a catalyst for personal development into a nicer, better will powered person. I am however still intimidated by the mushroom's power.

Adding this at 2nd March 2014.

Previous comment from 24th Jan is the positives that I now realise that my mind has blocked off memories from this trip. I now know that it was somewhat traumatic, but not life interfering. Sometimes I have memories reoccurring. They aren't too great. If I think about them more I start to feel uncomfortable. 

17/5/2014 

There are no effects that remind me of the trip. From the trip to about 4 months after you could say I had 'flash backs' where I had feelings of strong de-realisation.