First time posting, I have been reading on this forum for some time.
I have started using psilocybin for self discovery, to help “fix” myself.
Ill explain a little about myself first. I am a 33 year old male, married with two kids, a boy and a girl. I was raised in a very religious, and abusive environment and was beaten, tortured and ridiculed on an a daily basis. At 15 I had a mental breakdown and “snapped” and ran away from my home unable to continue taking the abuse any longer. I ran away and was homeless, living in the woods and sleeping on friends couches for a number of years. During my homeless stints I was put on a 5150 hold (involuntary psychiatric hold) and spent some time in mental hospitals where I was diagnosed with having bipolar type II. While I was homeless I started cutting my arms open to ease the psychological pain that I was facing. I was put on medications that made me feel dead inside so I stopped taking them shortly after and ended up getting in some serious trouble which led to incarceration. When I got out I had to get my life together so I joined the Marine Corps and excelled there. I became a machine gunner and even served a tour in Iraq where I was injured (not shot or blown up, got hit and hurt my spine and legs etc) When i got out of the Corp I met the lady I would eventually marry, and to whom I am still very happily married. She has been supportive of my mental health issues from the start and only wants whats best for me. When i found out she was pregnant with our first child I decided to start seeing a counselor weekly and got back on medication because I did not want to have any more mental problems that would effect my kids. I am currently on a multitude of medications but specifically I take alprazolam 0.5mg for anxiety, risperidone 1mg as a mood stabilizer, lamictal 100 MG and welbutrin 450 MG for depression.
Now my psilocybin trips
I have so far had 4 trips, each one I took a little more. On the first 3 trips I took them at night with my brother who is has tripped multiple times and is a great sitter. He always takes less than me and he is very calm and soothing when I get a little anxious. I on the other hand am a “worrier” and at any given moment am asking my brother if everything is ok, looking for his reassurances. One of the things he comments on regularly is that I have control issues in life, in general, and that during the trips he can see that I fight it and I need to “let go” The first 3 trips I took 2 grams twice, and then 3 grams on the last one. On that last one it was pretty intense, but I felt like I discovered a lot more about myself and I made a lasting change in my mindset and way of thinking etc. After each trip my depression always also goes away, but will return shortly after. I decided after the third trip that I would take 4.5 grams the next time, and instead of doing it at night I would do it first thing after I woke up. Now all my medications I take in the morning, and normally I am tripping at 10 pm, through the night so its been about 15 hours since I take any of my mental health meds. On this morning I took all my medications, and then on an empty stomach I took 4.5 grams of dry mushrooms while my brother took 2 grams. Almost immediately, within about 15 minutes I could feel it coming on and it was strong and I started to get a little panicky. My brother told me to calm down but I could feel it surging around me and I could tell it was about to come on strong and for some reason I panicked. I got stuck in a loop where I didn’t believe anything but myself existed, and even I didn’t exist, everything I knew was all created in my brain. This got me even more panicked to the point where my brother gave me a xanax which ultimately sobered me up in about 30 minutes flat. I went from tripping hardcore to totally sober. Once I came to I felt foolish at first, I had ruined my brothers trip as well as my own because we both had to take a xanax but I couldn’t figure out why I had freaked out so bad. I know I took more grams than normal but I felt like this was a supercharged trip. I started doing some research online and started finding people talking about MAOI and SSRI’s etc and that there not good to take with mushrooms? My long winded question is, could have taking those medications right before I tripped made the trip that much more intense or do they have nothing in common with each other? I spoke to my counselor and he is all for my trips because he feels like they have helped me, and also because of research we recently read up on that people who have damaged brains or PTSD, psilocybin can help repair those parts of your brain that are damaged. We also just read this report http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2398631/LSD-magic-mushrooms-Psychedelic-drugs-increase-risk-mental-health-problems.html
that states taking psychedelics does NOT mean your more susceptible to mental health problems which is encouraging to hear. Basically I am hoping with mushrooms I can help “fix” myself so eventually I will not have to take any mental health medications which may be a fantasy but anything is better than being on so many medications.
At this time I would like to take a level 5 trip and am looking to take 5 grams of psilocybin. I want to take that much because I listened to something Terrance McKenna said that the mistake people make who are “worriers” is they take to little a dose which helps them “fight” it. If you take a higher does you will not have the faculties to try to fight it and hopefully will just settle in for the ride. After everything I have written does anyone have a clue how I should proceed with my medications and psilocybin. Should I skip my medications for that morning because it intensifies the trip or do they have nothing in common? Is there anyone else here who has bipolar type II that feels like psilocybin has helped them?
I look forward to your responses.