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Seeking Advice about Total Loss of Ego

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I have tripped on mushrooms quite a few times in my life, it all started when I was a young punk looking for a fun high.  this turned into an obsession with wanting to know what was on the other side, or down the rabbit hole, but due to fear and adolescence I never went that far.  during my teen years I tripped on mushrooms and LSD more than my fair share.  during this time I started to go down the bad drug road, using more and more chemical drugs.  I saw what was coming in my life and decided to make a change, and a radical change it was, I joined the Marine Corps.  As with most things in my life, I jumped in head first and ended up loving the Military life style, I was head over heels in love with the military and wanted to make a career out of it.  then everything changed.  the war started.  and like with most young kids in the military infantry I wanted to go to war and experience that life or death experience and take it as far as I could.  well as fate would have it, I did, and it nearly killed me, most of my best friends are dead, and I was severely injured.  shortly after that I was medically retired from the military and now starts  the emotional problems.  I know you probably wondering what this has to do with mushrooms, but i promise i will get to the point very soon.  soon after I got out of the military I got a divorce, like most young military married couples.  Now several years later, and a new amazing wife, my life is now complete and whole.   I still have a lot of lingering emotional problems from the military and the war, that I am battling on my own, I refuse to seek professional advice, as I feel that nobody can fix me but me, and most all the docs I have seen just want to put me on some sort of prescription drugs, which I also refuse to take.  So now for the mushroom part.  My wife and I have had a lot of talks about alternative medicines to help me out, and we have even tripped on mushrooms a couple times now, where we have reached probably at most a level 2.  I have been reading all the trip reports of the level 5, and at first I was very intrigued, it has brought up old feelings and emotions from my youth about wanting to know what is on the other side or down the rabbit hole.  on my past 2 trips I have experienced the mushroom telling me that he wants to show me more, and that there is more to life than what I know.  I still have intense anger about the war and dead friends and struggle with relationships and letting people in.  after reading the trip reports about total loss of ego I have done considerable research on this and I feel that this is the only way to get me back, to get back to a life of happiness and free of anger and stress.  I am open to any and all advice at this point.  currently I am planning on tripping a few times between now and september and taking higher doses each time, leading up to a high enough dose to have total loss of ego.  please send me advice, comments, or anything you may have that will help me on the journey to get back to a meaningful and loving life.

thank you for reading, and thank you for your responses.

SoulSpeciosa Kratom
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