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Loss of ego and self identity
So this was my second time on mushrooms and I must say, it was NOT what I was ready for. I've tripped one other time and neither of the trips
could compare to eachother. So here it goes.
A buddy of mine harvested almost 10 lbs. of blue meanies in a field around his area. He's very trustworthy and knows what he's doing, he picks
them himself for a number of reasons pretty often. Cant trust people when theyre trying to sell them around here. He also works with me so getting them from him felt very safe. He brewed all of them into a big pot of tea and decided that he would give me and my closest friend some again. We'll call him "c". This tea was nothing compared to the last tea I got from him. This tea that he gave us, came in a 16 oz. water bottle, filled to the top.
It was so black, that when I put a flashlight up to the bottle, the light was not visible on the other side of the bottle. So we get the tea, go to my
buddies house(c's house) which we were staying for the weekend. Nobody else was going to be home. We decided that we would split the bottle,
8oz each the next morning.
So the morning comes, and we're pretty hyped. It's around 9 a.m and our stomachs were empty from overnight. We shook the bottle and split the
tea, downed it all in about 3 gulps each. That was breakfast. We were on the couch sitting back facing the tv watching netflix and we each smoked
a decent sized joint to ourselves to be somewhat entertained and relaxed until it was time for blast off. About 20 minutes go by and I decide to look
at my Ipod and notice my reflection on the screen. My eye pupils were damn near covering my whole iris already. I loved it. So I snapped a few
pictures of myself and the longer I looked at myself through my camera, the cooler I started to look. My face had lost a bit of color to it, I was a little
more pale than usual.
I have no idea why. I kinda thought I looked like an alien almost. It didnt bother me whatsoever. My buddy was sitting next to me watching tv. My attention span to the movie was gone and as I looked around I noticed that the room seemed... different. I thought nothing of it and tried watching
the movie once again. The movie was making no sense at all, just seemed like a bunch of crap thrown together. My buddy "c" looked over at me
and we made eye contact and lost it. We laughed pretty damn hard for a good minute or 2. We knew it was time.
By now, it's been about 50 minutes since we gulped the tea down. I tried to watch the movie, but all the nick nacks around the entertainment center were dancing. Not dancing.. im talking full on getting down to the boogie. It was a sight to see. I decided that I would stand up and walk around the house for a bit and get my white fuzzy blanket I brought with me. I was having fun looking around at things in the house. One of C's rooms are
painted bright yellow, and inside the room he had a giant stuffed animal. The kind you see at fairs when you win the top prize, the stuffed animals
that are bigger than us. Looking into its eyes was kinda weird as it seemed that they were following my eyes as I moved around the room. It didnt scare me or anything, just kinda weird and it made me giggle. I grabbed my blanket and walked back to the couch. I laid back and wrapped the
fuzzy blanket around me and tried watching the movie again. Wasnt happening. I started rubbing my blanket and couldnt stop laughing at the
feeling it gave off. So amazing. I told C to feel the blanket, so he did so and the exact thing happened to him. Bursts of laughter, we both couldnt
stop. I started to feel like I was in a dream. The room was so bright and the walls of the living room werent sitting still. The room was changing
sizes by the minute, expanding and shrinking.
The movie was pretty boring by then so we put some music on. It made no sense. I couldnt use electronic devices as they were way to complicated
to understand. C's dogs were playing across the room and I felt like I was watching some national geographic documentary on animals.
They looked like lions in the wild to me. The fact that they were so close was fascinating. All this happening, was only about an hour after drinking.
I started to feel a buzz in my body as so did C. Every movement I made felt like an orgasm shooting through my body. It wasnt sexual at all, just pure stimulation in my entirebody. The same thing was happening to C. It was impossible to control the feeling.
We both decided to go into his sisters rooms where the computer was and chill out for a bit as it seemed the trip was taking over more and more.
C was doing his own thing on the computer. I decided to pop a squat on his sisters bed and observe. The bed was breathing really heavy and lifting
me up and down as it inhaled and exhaled. I felt like I was on a large animals belly as it slept and it made me laugh. I remember thanking the bed
for letting me sit there and enjoy the ride and I gave it a pat on the belly (mattress). Thats when I knew I was trippin pretty hard. The closet doors
were twisting left and right. It seemed they were just trying to get attention so I ignored them. C decided that we go on a walk to the local park down
the street. We already had planned to do so. So we get ready, and head outside...
This is when it all went wrong. The outside world seemed so complex and complicated to me. It was the hottest day this year so it didnt help the
situation. Everything looked like it was made out of clay and seemed fake. We walked by a guy and as we were walking we looked at eachother
and had a discussion on if he was real or not. It was mind boggling. My body started to have no feeling in it. I looked at my hands and they were
so close to me yet they seemed so far away. All I could feel was my eyes as it projected this screen called reality. I felt hollow. I was confused. The whole time we were walking, C was in front of me. I thought that I was in a different view looking at myself. I was out of my body 100% by now.
I had no clue where we were walking and neither did C so we decided to go back home. We made it back and decided that the outside world was
by no means meant for us at the moment. I didnt really like that since im really into nature. I didnt belong anywhere.
By now, we sat back in his sisters room, in our own minds. I didnt feel like we were tripping together, but more like we were tripping on our own
in eachothers presence. I felt more lonely than I have ever felt in my LIFE. I looked at him, and said "never again". He said that he felt the same way
and by then we drove it into a bad trip. Thousands of emotions were running through my head and it was almost overwhelming. I felt love for
everything that I have ever came in counter with. Everything. I just wanted to love everyone and everything. I started to get answers form things that
I gave always wondered about. I felt organic and connected to the earth and the universe. I started to merge with space while sitting on the bed. I told C that if I needed god that I needed god at this very moment. I said that because it seemed like the only thing that could keep me into my reality.
It didnt work. There was nothing to reach out and slap me back into reality. It was a wake up call. For about a half hour we made zero eye contact.
I told him to look me in the eyes and he did so. It was horrifying. It was the meaning of nothing staring into me. We both looked away pretty fast.
All I asked was "is thats whats wrong with you too?" He said yes. We both knew what we were feeling. He said he wanted to lay down and sleep.
I told him to go try and he went into his room and tried. I laid back on the bed and tried getting a grip but there was no grip to get ahold of. I closed
my eyes and it was too scary to do. I started to see black take over my open eye vision and asked him if we were dying. We thought we were.
I walked into his room and I was in a panic and he calmly said "listen to me. Relax, and sit still." It seemed like he was just letting death
take over his body. So I laid next to him for a sec and let my heart get back to beat. I told him I wanted to take a shower and he agreed that I should.
By now im in the bathroom. Im looking into the mirror and I stripped every bit of clothes off of me. I just got stuck looking at myself naked. I was
looking at myself and started to question what I was. I was going in reverse and felt like a little boy. I needed to learn everything all over again.
I was in a flesh vehicle that had a specific name to label my existence. I literally forgot who I was as a person and forgot what I was as a human.
I wasnt me anymore. I was nobody. The old me was gone for good. I was pretty scared.
I was forgetting everything, yet I was being taught everything at the same time. It's not something that can be put into words. I turned the water on
in the shower on the coldest it would go and laid down in the tub. The water had no temperature to me. I was laying down with water pouring
on me as I was confused and lost. The shower walls were doing weird things and I thought I had literally lost my mind and that my friends and
family were going to see me like this for the rest of my life. I was making a lot of noise moving around and C opened
the door to ask me if I was okay. (He couldnt see me naked since I was laying down and behind a curtain.) I poked my head out and let him
know I was alright and he looked frightened when he seen me and said he was gonna watch tv.
I turned off the water, dried off and got dressed. I walked into the living room and sat down to watch tv with C. I was out of my head still but I wasnt
scared anymore. Just startled and confused. I had a new body. A new brain and a new existence. I felt asexual. Connected to the universe.
I was ready to leave forever and start life over. The new person I had become felt like thats who I really was all my life, the way I was
raised and brought up didnt let me form into who I should have been. I wanted to leave with C and leave to somewhere that nobody would
know me. I would be able to meet people and let them see who I really am. The old me was a contamination to my body and was not letting
me be who I really am. We sat in a silence and tried to have a conversation. We repeated the conversation 3 times, saying the same thing
every time. The bad trip wasnt just a bad trip. It was something that we knew was in our heads and was bothering us for awhile. We just couldnt explain it. When he walked into the kitchen I came back in reality a slight bit and laughed for a sec. I was so happy for non reason. I knew what had happened. My ego was so shattered. It was lifted up and blown
into oblivion. It was just gone. I had to accept that. All I could do was smile about it and know that taking these shrooms was no joke. What else
should I have expected? I got what I deserved. I was in reality again. Soon as we knew reality was back, we must have smoked almost 8 bowls
from our bong. It felt good to smoke. I could take hits twice as big and my lungs didnt mind it.
By now we were still a little out of it, but we werent tripping. Just..high? The high wasnt the same high I would get if I wasnt trippin all day. We
went to applebee's to get some food. I was scared to talk to the waitress and I noticed that I couldnt make eye contact with her. It just want
happening. I managed to order, and everything went normal. Just quiet. We didnt say much as we were still in shock for what had happened to us.
We pay for the food and go back to C's.
30 minutes go by and we end up making a 45$ order from domino's. We just wanted more food. After eating and relaxing I felt DRAINED. Yet fascinated. We both fell asleep for about 4 hours and I had a very strong "hangover" feeling in my body. It felt alright though.
We toked up and went to the beach and walked around as the sun went down for the night.
So that was my trip report. I tried to be pretty descriptive for you guys. Im back to normal now obviously. Recovered just fine. This trip was a major
wake up call for me. I learned a lot of things from this. It might have been terrifying, but it felt beneficial by all means. I plan on having another trip
soon, just a slightly lower dose, and a better approach. Leave some thoughts on here and let me know what you think please. Peace!
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