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The end of 5 years of fooling myself

2.5g psilocybe cubensis

It was 1 a.m. in the stillness that resonated after a rather heavy storm. I ate the shrooms dried and whole, surprisingly, not a terrible taste. This was the highest dose I had taken yet. I walked around outside as the effects began to kick in. A huge burst of euphoria and energy in my muscles was the first sign of the trip. Walking around was an incredible time, I couldn't be more content. 

My mindset at the time was one of introspection. For the past many years, there was something that just didn't feel right inside of myself. I felt like I was constantly waiting for something to change, as to feel "ok" again. I had experimented with other psychedelics in hopes to "fix" whatever had been going on inside of me, but up until this point, it was of no avail. As the more intense effects began to kick in, I made my way inside my friends apartment and laid down on the floor. I was getting some rather heavy visuals. Colors appeared strongly polarized, for instance, rather than seeing purple I would see red and blue sort of flashing back and forth. I enjoyed these visuals greatly and continued to lay down, staring up at the ceiling.

Now at about 2 hours into the trip, I started to lose my sense of self, something that caught me off guard based on my dose. I would think about the day to day things I would do and how I had handled semi-tramatic experiences in the past with my family. As I continued to think I kept wondering "why?" Why had I become this way? At what point did I become the person I was today? Was it a gradual change based on physical and emotional environment? Was it a conscious effort I had made to try and be happier? It all seemed so foreign to me. 

One visual in particular solidified this misalignment within myself. My friends closet door was just a giant mirror (uh oh), so I decided to look at myself in the mirror (although sometimes frightening, I usually find this a very enlightening experience while tripping). When I looked at my reflection, right into my eyes, I was not looking back. My reflection appeared to be looking in a complete other direction than me. I could not look myself in the eyes, no matter how hard I tried. While this sort of spooked me momentarily, I found great, life changing significance in this hallucination. I realized that for the past 5 or 6 years I had been avoiding myself. I would do anything to distract myself from my own mind and who I really was(or wasn't). The wide array of drugs I had been taking to attempt to distract myself had finally been realized to be a sham. Nothing but a false sense of well-being, constantly being debated in my head. While this is something that had been intellectually understood before, it was finally made concrete and brought to the forefront of my mind. I quickly thought about all the aspects of my life currently and realized something that I will never let go of: I am happy. I realized that I was a truly happy and that I didn't need all these in my distractions in my life. 

I finally came down and smoked a bit while listening to some wonderful ambient music, the whole time stewing over the battle that had just occurred in my mind. I felt so content, like I would never need anything to be happy again. If I wanted to I could simply be happy, and nobody could ever take that away from me. 

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