What happened to me this last month has made me lose all of my trust and reliability in both the dosage and the mushroom itself. This was the last in a series of 4 very intense and meaningful trips. The first 3 with my girlfriend, and this last, truly enlightening but frightening trip by myself. The weirdness of it all peaked on this last trip with a mere 2,5 grams lemon tek'd with what i thought was a fairly weak strain, since iv'e cultivated it myself and had a few giggles and good times with it before.
But when you trip so fucking hard that your physical self completely dies, goes of into an indescribable and impossible supersymmetric, multidimensional god-realm, meets the one, and still gets to come back from it to tell the tales, you know that something very real, scary, weird and amazing is happening.
This IS that place that all the ancients and crazy psychonauts have talked about all these years. When you get here there is no doubt about it, no doubt.. It is the kind of trip that you could strive for your whole life, but you are scared shitless at the same time when you realise you are getting there. You try to use your courage as your raft as you stream down this crazy river into the abyss, but make no mistake fear is always around the corner just waiting to get a hold of you, so you must trust that your raft is strong. And it is my friends, i don't care who you are, your heart is alot braver than you think, you just gotta put it to the test. And man, there are some heavy tests out there.
I am a skeptic at heart, and hopefully always will be. I have been an atheist for most my life because of my circumstances and upbringing, but I seriously started realizing that life's mysteries are way beyond measuring instruments and other peoples opinions. It is up to us as individuals to solve this mystery, for that is the the game. Why else would we live in this weird illusion we call "the physical universe?". Every single person must trust themselves enough to take the journey towards enlightenment, and not take the words of others so much to the heart that it overpowers what they already know is true but has forgotten.
Anyway, if you are still here reading im gonna try to go through the stages of this extremely interesting trip with you. The trip you live to see..
My girlfriend had just left for work and wouldnt be home for the next 7 hours, so what else to do but chug a little mushrooms? I thought. I grinded up 2,5g cubes and stirred it with squeezed lemon juice and let it sit in the fridge for about an hour. I added some squeezed orange into the mix just for the hell of it and slammed it like a shot.
The usual routine starts. I light up some candles, put on some music and start rolling some spliffs. Can't have a decent psilocybin party all by yourself without some sweet sensi in your veins, right? About an hour or so in i start to feel really weird so I decide to go out for a walk. Some perception changes, visual distortion, racing thoughts but other then that i was fine. Appearantly I suck at throwing snowballs when under the influence of mushrooms. After about 10-15 minutes outside just walking around I started to get cold so I headed back to the appartment. And it was when I opened up the door and went inside that it really hit me, HARD.
I felt like some kind of robot. Warning, warning. Severe reality breakdown ahead!
"Oh man, I didn't sign up for this. How much was it, 2.5? No way.."
I walked into the kitchen and everything turned into a scene from the simpsons or something, completely cartoonlike. I wasn't freaking out at this point because ive had very intense trips before, but when I laid down on the couch to chillout for a second, the mushroom made himself known to me for what i think is the first, true time. Even though ive felt his presence earlier trips, watching me.
He steps forward.
Me: Is that you?
Moments of silence..
Mushroom: What do you think?
Me: Haha, it IS you... Hello!
Me: I sense that you are afraid of me, im a bit scared of you too. But i'm here as a friend. You seem cool..
After that he dissappeared for a while. And at this point I started to freak the fuck out. This intelligent mushroom-being had just talked to me, and now he is in my mind, my body and even in the very walls in which I am confined. If i wanted to escape this, it would be impossible. And that made me shiver. He had all the power of this interaction, and I none. How long before this is over? I thought. I realized that I was still on the coming up phase and hadnt even peaked, SHIT! I mean, what do you do when things get more intense than ever before, and you know you are still in for alot more? The answer: Nothing! You just let it happen anyway. It doesn't matter if you are scared shitless or not because it IS happening, it is really happening. I remember Terence McKenna speaking of encounters like this, which calmed me because it meant I wasn't insane, other people had talked to this thing before, many times probably.
I wanted to put some music on to calm me, the only problem was that sounds were so fucking warped and weird that any music i put on only scared me cause it was so unfamiliar and unrecognizable.
The mushroom came back and made his presence known.
Me: I'm really freaking out here, can you be less frightening?
Me: I'm here as a friend, as your friend. I want to grow and cultivate you if you let me, but stop fucking with me like this. Not very friendly..
No answer this time either, but i could both see and feel him grinning in the walls, a little bit evil perhaps but hard to tell, before he went of taking care of his business again.
"What a son of a bitch.." I thought to myself, shortly after realizing he can probably hear me, oops.
He left me alone in the weirdness and I was just waiting for something to happen, cause to be perfectly honest with you I had no fucking idea what was going on or what was about to happen. I guess I just wanted a way out, cause this was scary.Isnt it funny? Just when you thought you were getting experienced with these things and being able to control them, the mushroom sweeps that away from under your feet in a second blank.
Me: If you make this good for me I will grow you, that is a deal. But we are in your world now so... don't hurt me.
I couldn't imagine what else he wanted to hear from me, it seemed like the only gift i could offer him, the gift of life and experince through me and others.
After that, something pulled, and i mean PULLED me, into the bathroom and into the tub. Im fairly sure it was the mushroom cause I felt like a weak sheep being led by this higher intelligence to what would come to be my death and rebirth.
From when I got into the bathtub, time and everything else became completely meaningless. Somehow I managed to turn the water off when the tub was full, after that it was time to say bye bye to life as we know it.
It could have taken one hour, or 3 seconds, but when you are dead you are not thinking about it, you don't even know it is happening. Iv'e been close to having ego-deaths before but man, this was nothing like that. You kinda eased into it, merged with it without even knowing that it is happening. It's a somewhat of a smooth transaction between boundaries being dissolved and you are not really thinking in terms of being alive or dead anymore. Fear is pretty much wiped out, except that you can still feel it lurking in the shadows of deep, unconciouss mind. There is some kind of thin thread being attached to your body and physical reality that gives you the clue that you will come back from this. it wasn't a forced survival feeling, more of an assurance. I guess some people would describe it as "gods love" or "true hope" or something like that.
I saw this sea of souls swimming around in a vast space and was told that it was the ancients. I guess they were swimming around trying to decide whether to go back to live another earth-life, or go to some other place. They seemed to chill out and be fine anyway, whatever they were doing.
A moment after that I was thrown into a world that seemed utterly impossible, just crazy. I mean, how the hell can dimensions bend eachother like that and just play around with light like toys? What is this? The mushroom told me that this was an introduction to the dmt world and that things can get way more crazy then my current imagination is possible of concieving, so don't even mind trying to figure this out right now cause it won't work.
Ok, I said.
A short moment later he was there, right infront of me, the one. The interaction was short and brief, but it was definately a formal introduction by the mushroom. He had taken me to him and introduced us face to face, there was no doubt in my skepctical mind left. They knew eachother and people before me had been led here by the mushroom aswell.
Now the questions I had were few, cause I have always wanted life to be a mystery to solve, piece by piece. I'm still young and don't want it all at once, I can't appreciate it fully yet. But he basically told me what I already knew. Religions are bullshit, science is fun but limits our perception of reality and the only way to true godliness is walking our own path. Enlightened people and teachers are only there as signposts to help you along the way, but no one or no thing in the world can prepare you for something like this. Only the trust in your own courage and love will take you to the kind of places where you can meet the one in these direct ways.
I must say it feels really wrong to claim all of this, im really putting in an effort to make this as truthful and clear as possible, for myself and for you guys. The respect I have for this powerful tool has skyrocketed my last few trips, and everything I tell you here is from my own perspective. I do not claim to be enlightened or a teacher or anything of that sort. I hope stories like mine will encourage people to find out the truth by themselves, being their own Jesus or Buddha.
Anyway, when i "woke up" from this, starting to come to my senses again, i felt powerful as fuck. I mean really, really godlike. During my time in the tub I must have squeezed out shampoo or balsam in the bathwater in an effort to make a bubble-bath, cause the spread out shampoo blobs had formed these clusters of galaxies on the surface of the water, as if I had just created a big bang and was looking down on my little creation on the surface of a layer, invisible to the inhabitants in the shampoo-blob world, living in their illusion of seperateness.
I went out of the bathtub naked around the apartment just looking around, and man it was CRAZY! I managed to take a look at the clock, it had been about 3 hours since I ingested, and I felt like ive been gone for days. This made me very uneasy because ive been through so much already, I needed to come down and reasses everything that had happened, not continue to trip for hours ahead. I realised that this is exactly the kind of godlike initiations that "sons of god" goes through, it has something to do with being in water, and that these "baptise" concepts are so misunderstood by religions it's not even funny. The original baptising ceremonies were probably scary as shit and there is alot more to it then a little water on the forehead, a kiss and some blessing words.
My rabbit had hid under the couch for some reason, the mushroom was fooling around in the walls just being silly, invisible to the eyes but present in every other sense. Robert Plant and the rest of the guys on my girlfriends big Led Zeppelin poster had completely jumped out from the picture. Moving around in 3d, swinging, dancing, just rocking it. I mean these guys were putting on a show, i could even hear the music. The whole appartment rocked like a ship on sea and I felt like being inside of an aquarium, but a weird mushroom aquarium.
As I was strolling around the appartment trying to find some kind of thing to get a grasp on I was making these weird Auuum-noises, feeling my whole body and my whole world vibrate with it. It was a sense of you creating the world around you with mind and sound. When I looked at the piano in the living room I could almost press the bars with my mind and hear the music play in my head as i was mind-playing it, and im not usually the greatest artist on the piano. The candles I had lit earlier were really, really intense and bright. Something had definetely breathed life into the whole apartment because at this point, absolutely anything was possible.
Although present, the mushroom made no effort to talk to me again during the rest of this trip, which probably were for the best. He had showed me so much and introduced me to the one after knowing me for such a short while. How much more can you ask of it at this point? I decided to get into the warm bathtub again and just let whatever happen happen to me, cause nothing was in my control. This seemed like the only sane thing to do, so I did. I layed there in the bathtub just waiting for it to come off cause honestly I had been through way too much for one day already. Maybe that is the reason I dont remember so much from the last parts of the trip and the coming down, but whatever happened it was not as important as the things I still can remember vividly, which is the first 2/3 of the trip.
Lying down in the tub for a second time I remember going through different fears in my head, being afraid of them but at the same time realising they are all illusions. So, what is left to be afraid of? I waited for some kind of answer or picture, but it was blank, which made it very obvious that when you have erased all illusions of fear.. it is just gone, which sounds silly, but seemed important at the time. I was really balancing on a thin thread of unpleasent experience created by some unknown fear in my unconciouss and moments of glory in the sunshine of god.
Eventually I got my shaked up body and mind out of the tub again. Somehow I remembered I had promised my girlfriend to bid on some clothes for her son on the internet, the only problem being I was still pretty tripped out and trying to bid on things on the internet in this state of mind is like controlling an alien spacecraft trying to get through a meteor-cloud going 30.000 miles per hour, mind boggling.
My girlfriend came home, I came down and I could start to get all of this of my chest. Luckily she is a hell of a cool girl so we shared a few joints and talked it through. When I described the complete unreliability of the dosages these last trips, despite an earlier more or less reliable mushroom use with equal doses, she formed the theory that I now had formed a relationship with the mushroom, some kind of bond. That the doses I need to visit these secret places may be far less then for the average person, and it seems likely. The reports I read from the kind of trips I have are way beyond the doses I use. I've had everything from 2,5-6 grams and honestly i can't tell the damn difference anymore. Is it possible to become super-sensitive to psilocybin? Or could it be that the spirit of the mushroom has it easier to get a grasp of my mind and alter my reality now that it knows me and my intentions more thoroughly?
I don't know, only time will tell.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my adventures with my strange friend, I fear there will be much more to come.