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New year, new experiences

Reaching into insanity and back

New years eve, a new year and a new chance to make a change - I thought at least. A friend of mine an myself had recently purchased a large amount of weed, and we had decided to spend our new years eve together, smoking and shrooming. This was my third time trying them and his fourth, and we had decided to stretch the trip for as long as possible by eating half of what we had and then the other half around midnight. Before starting our trip, I had the thought of a white, empty, canvas which I could use to ‘reset’ my life, a fresh new start where I could paint exactly what I wanted. I also knew that in order to ‘start over’ I needed to explore who I am, and not just the positive aspects to life, but also the dark aspects to life, every sick and twisted thought I had in me needed to be reevaluated and reconsidered and eventually be removed, in order to do that I felt as if I had to reach into the edge of insanity, and still make it back.

We rolled a joint so that we would have one for when we were tripping, and then we’d figure that we could spend some time rolling some more, if we felt like it during our trip. About 20-30 minutes after eating the firt half of the mushrooms I started to feel an unsettling feeling in my stomach, and my bookcase full of DVD’s started to look very mosaic. We decided to listen to Pink Floyds ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ which was a great experience, I had never experienced music like I did that day, I felt as if the entire album was a journey, specially designed for me. I took comfort in my blanket which I crawled under every now and then, and whenever I came up I felt like I had just been on a highway, and now I was resting for a bit, I looked to my friend and we started to talk about everything and nothing at the same time. This went on for the entire length of the album. The smoke from the joint looked so beautiful, and yet so chaotic, it looked as if the smoke had a predetermined destiny, which only I had the power to change, if I wished - now I am a very passive person, and I like to evaluate what happens, rather than trying to change it. I started to sympathize with the smoke, and the air in the sense that they had no control of what happened to them, but anyone around it would decide for it.

The clock was now 11:30, and we started to hear the fireworks from outside, so we agreed to leave my apartment to go look at it. We went down to a nearby soccer field, and wandered around, sharing our thoughts and we both agreed that if I wanted to reach my insanity as I had wished, it would be a good idea to eat the rest of the shrooms. It was a very windy and rainy night, and I kept thinking that this was the perfect setting for what I had in mind.  I embraced it all, the wind, the rain, the cold and the loud explosions coming from all over, this uncontrollable chaos was a very satisfying experience in the sense that I realized that I wasn’t in control of anything, but yet in control of everything. It all made sense to me then, that I am my own master, that I had the power to change my own life at any day I wanted, that I couldn’t control anyone, and in return they couldn’t control me.

12’o’clock, and the noises came from all sides, lights from all sides. I was standing in the middle of the soccer field, looking up in the sky, covered in water, freezing cold, but I couldn’t stop smiling. Then all of a sudden people started to shoot fireworks from a house on the other side of the street, it was insane, smoke surrounded the house, and it looked like it was on fire and I could hear sirens coming closer. I closed my eyes and I saw nothing at all, I heard nothing at all, I felt nothing. I finally saw this white canvas that I had been dreaming about, but when I finally saw it in front of me I didn’t know what to paint on it, I didn’t know what the future held for me - it was a very eerie feeling, going from being in complete control to living in the random, I could feel every thought I had before just flying away from me, and I couldn’t hold on to a single one of them. I decided that I wanted to go back home again.

When I opened my apartment door, this feeling of warmth came over me and I felt a need to just lie down, right there in my kitchen (when you come in the door, you enter the kitchen). With my jacket as a pillow I just lied there staring at my ceiling, thinking. Whenever I closed my eyes I had very intense sights, every sight started off so simple, and then became more and more complicated. I know realized that there was more to life than what met the eye, and I felt that no one could possibly understand this. No one would ever be able to understand what lies behind what we see - except for me. I was superior to anything, I felt amazing. After what felt like an hour, I felt like going back to my room, where my friend was. He had rolled up a joint and watched some Adult Swim show, while roasting marshmallows with a lighter. When I got in there, I couldn’t stop thinking about the future, I forgot about the now completely, but what did it matter? Was now really now, or is the future what is now? I couldn’t understand the concept of time, it all seemed so irrelevant to me. I was sitting in a chair with my feet on my bed, and I started to lie more and more down. Now my torso was on the chair, with my feet on the bed and my legs on nothing at all. I could feel my soul leaving my body, not much only a little, and I started to think that I was losing my mind, that my body was repelling me in order to make room for an ego I had never felt before. I took the joint from my friend and started to smoke it.

My friend used the only working lighter for roasting his marshmallows; the entire room was covered in darkness, with the exception of the bright light from the TV. He began to set fire to them, until they melted away. The joint eventually died, and I needed to relight it, but my friend was using the only lighter for his marshmallows. I felt that he was experiencing a life-changing moment, and that it was best that I didn’t disturb him. He kept setting fire to marshmallows, while he started to look more and more insane. The look in his eyes was completely indescribable, he was definitely fighting something, and he knew that I knew. Neither of us said anything for half an hour, until the lighter eventually stopped working, and we both smirked at the lighter. This was a moment that I will never forget, and I like to think that he felt the same as me.

Moments later, I started to think about everything, I started to think about how much I grew into myself, and allowed my ego to grow, and how seeing my friend being in pain made me feel. We are all masters of our own life, but not for the people around us, we can’t stop them from getting sick or from dying, and definitely not from leaving us - no matter how much I’d like to think that we can. I learnt that it was best to allow people to experience whatever they wanted,  without interruption. My brain kept getting fuller and fuller, and I started to think that what if I can’t control my own life either, am I placed here on this earth to live a predestined course, just like the smoke, how much do I actually matter? Am I ever going to become satisfied with my life. And that’s when it happened. My entire body became weightless and numb, I couldn’t feel my body until something touched it and I became afraid. Afraid that I might have become insane, and that I could never return back again. I couldn’t think of anything else than the panic of never regaining the feeling in my body again. I couldn’t stutter a single sentence, so I tried as hard as possible to explain what was happening to me, and I decided to take a shower. I took the coldest shower ever, just to make sure I could still feel something. Afterwards I put on my underpants and opened my door, it was still raining and I felt the same sense of happiness as I did when I was at the soccer field.

I decided to walk back to my room and lie down, try and fall asleep, having accepted the fact that I’m not in control of myself, or anything at all I started to cry. About an hour later I had a burp, and after that I regained the feeling in my entire body, and I realized that you can never predict what will happen in the future, but you can make sure that you’re happy in it, by making yourself happy in the current moment, as that leads up to anything else that will ever happen in the future. I realized that I could control my emotions through my thoughts and I appreciated my ability to think critically, and my ability to think at all. Life made sense again, and I now knew that I wasn’t predestined for anything, but what I decide to be.

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