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I almost Killed Myself Today
I almost killed myself today.
I ingested 4g of psilocybin cubensis (Orissa India's) by using a vitamix to grind them into a very fine powder/flour. I then added 3-4 freshly squeezed lemons and 1 Tbs. of raw honey into the blender and put it on full blend. I then let that mixture sit and brew for about 30 minutes or so. This would let the acidity break down the psilocybin and make it absorb faster and with greater effectiveness. This was my first time with this dose. 3g was my last but never with lemon and never in moderate sensory deprivation.
I set my room up making it very dark and lit incense and played Alan Watts audio through my iPhone and into the speakers aloud. With about 10 to 15 minutes of meditation I then felt like laying down and relaxing with a night cover over my eyes. I felt like it took a while to kick in like 40 minutes plus but I'm sure it had already started without me knowing. When I began to notice, I began twitching almost uncontrollably and simply let my body do its thing.
I began to get giddy as usual and then I started to see patterns faintly behind my eyes. I remember the exact moment it happened where I shoved my face into the pillow and I could see almost DMT like visuals but instead it was VERY dark but had a 3D like vision of light patterns. Much like if you close your eyes and see light static but instead it made sense, had form, had pattern.
I decided I better not keep my face here or I would suffocate, you know, self suffocate myself while on shrooms. So I moved over and laid on my right side, thats when I think it hit me. Game over, no more fun.
A total feeling of "bad trip" with no control. There was not much of a time between that and where I was previously. All of sudden it became VERY real. This was going to be an intense experience (little did I know what was ahead). I kept thinking over and over again Joe Rogan said he had this experience where things went negative and then he simply realized this and discovered he could change it by himself. Simply by "manifesting" a positive outlook on things. Well that did not work for me.
It got worse.
I had all the positive ideas in my head, you know, the science of mushrooms and how no one has ever died directly from them before. I knew all the studies on them and how they affected the brain chemistry and how they relate to years of meditation and that no studies have ever shown a negative toxic screen from the ingestion of them.
It did not matter. Nothing I could think, say or do, mattered. All I cared about was how people would think about me when they saw me or heard me. I tried to keep the music loud enough so that no one would hear me but even the music was creeping me out. It was terrible.
Every possible feeling of dread and terror was very real and present with me. I felt sick, too hot, too cold, too fuzzy headed, too uncomfortable etc… I felt like vomitting and almost self induced thinking it would help reduce the absorption of the psilocin knowing damn well it would not; that whats done is done. The psilocin is far past the blood brain barrier and right where it was going to be and I better stick it out or else.
It got worse.
I realized there was nothing I could do. Changing anything (music, clothes, temperature, light etc..) was NOT going to make anything better. I could literally take the most amazing feeling ever and turn it into the worst thing ever. I thought to myself I will NEVER EVER do this again how could I do this to myself. I thought that the only answer to this will be to go to sleep and wake up in the morning. But I knew it would not happen that way because I it was noon time and I was as rested as could be. I thought that if I turned off the lights I could produce more melatonin and thus have a better chance of sleeping. But closing my eyes and trying to go to bed only made my thought process more intense.
It got worse.
I wanted to sing out loud because Terrence Mckenna once said that singing aloud while having a bad trip would help change the course due to melody. I could not for fear people would hear me and know what I had done. I did not want to open up to anyone.
I began to lose my grip on reality. Literally questioning my existence of who I am. And for good reason life is weird. I knew looking at the clock would make things worse and I even pulled down the curtains and opened the window to see light and nothing helped. I took my shirt off and tried to handle the situation. I tried to understand that I was not ready for this energy and consciousness and that the people who told me to be careful with this energy were right. So I tried to control it and harness it by meditating and breathing… It did not work…
I began to lose reality more and more. I kept drinking water and thinking to myself I just need to keep the body healthy and happy and I will get through this. I kept thinking to myself that NO MATTER how much anxiety I have right now it will not change the outcome of what it is to happen. This, as everything else, did not work. The entheogen was far too powerful.
I tried my best to stay inside my room so people would not know how terrible I felt and how crazy I was becoming but it became too much. I had to leave and go to someone. I am thankful and grateful that my sister was there, still home. Even greater was I pleased that no one else was home. But it did not help right then and there.
She helped me through it and I could NOT BELIEVE how I was feeling. I felt as if this situation of mine was becoming the definitive answer in my life. This might be how I am supposed to go (to die). I did not want to but I truly felt like this was going to be it for me. The kid who took too many mushrooms and killed himself horribly. My sister helped me desperately, trying to keep me in good positive mind state and I could appreciate it but it did not matter. Nothing she said could help the situation. I told her over and over I need to metabolize the psilocin and the only way to do this is to go to bed because if I wake up this terrible reality will all be over. I kept thinking I need to vomit I need to vomit, will it help, will it help? Knowing it would not.
I was terrified. I hugged my sister and said I love you and prayed that I would not do anything bad. It was oh so real, everything. I felt like what I was doing and what I was saying was exactly how a crazy person would sound like and act like and I thought to myself this might very well be how I die. I kept thinking to myself okay JUST DO WHAT YOUR SISTER SAYS. Trust her! Even if you do not want to do any of it. I put my faith, my life in her hands.
She jacketed me up, helped me put on my shoes, and brought our dog along for a walk in the snow. It was freezing, I did not know where we were going and I hoped to god she was going to take care of me and somehow restrain me from ending my life. I was not 100% certain how crazy I sounded or how terrified she was but I almost knew it was as bad as it could be.
I paused so many times while walking trying to flow with the trip and not try to control it but everything sucked. Nothing felt good. When I did try to do this it helped for a split second but went away as quick as it came. I was freezing, felt terrible.
I loss base of my life, my own existence. I looked at my dog and forgot that she existed in my life. I apologized to my sister for acting this way.
The ONLY way I could see this ending was death. Becoming the eternal nothingness.
I thought I was permanently insane and that I would never be able to go to sleep, wake up and have everything normal again. I kept saying to my sister you need to stop me from killing myself. I was so scared that I was going to end up killing or hurting her if she tried to stop me from attempting to end my own suffering. I looked into the future and it involved cops restraining me with handcuffs preventing me from suicide. There was a moment I thought to myself I am going to try to crash if she takes me into a car and gives me a ride where she thinks I will be safe. I felt as if I would pull the steering wheel and end my life if she did this. I felt that if we went on a walk that I might run in front of a car to end my life.
I kept looking at my hands because I knew what I could do with them. I am so much stronger than my sister I felt as if the only way she could stop me from ending my life would be to restrain them with handcuffs or something. I was terrified she would get hurt.
When I realized I was miserable and cold I stopped us from going further and said lets go home. I decided I would run home, the quicker I could get to the warmth the better.
Running sucked, I mean sucked really badly. I felt so cold and terrible. I was trying so hard to make this trip work my way. When I got back inside my sister was trying to set my computer up to show me the visuals and music I liked when I last tripped using iTunes. I was trying so hard to think positive and make this trip my own but it was unbelievably hard. I thought a few times about my own mom and how she too died years ago and became nothingness and if I was going to join that state soon.
I found that asking my sister questions and letting her express her thoughts and emotions helped my own. As if connecting with another was coaxing. I still felt absolutely dreadful but she insisted that I try yoga or exercising. I sat down on her yoga mat and with the fireplace on, was beginning to feel warmer. But still terribly cold and uncomfortable.
This is when I understood it. Or at least I began to.
Love. I know it sounds corny to say but honestly Love is what saved my life and changed my experience.
By being open and honestly saying I love you to my sister I began feeling amazing inside. I began changing my own experience from the most terrifying thing to the most amazing and fascinating. She, being as she is, started to record my speaking and taking notes (I don think she was actually note taking). I began to realize that I could change the very physical and emotional feelings just by thinking differently.
I began to feel as if this was a lucid dream and whatever I wanted I could manifest. It was so magical. I began talking about how I could see the author of Conversations With God having an experience just like this one and writing down everything as if it was being said through the words of god and onto a piece of paper or sticky note.
It felt real. I felt as if I finally understood what it means to have being awakened. Finding nirvana and sartori. Everything that I perceive and sense is fundamentally created by me. I could completely change my life any which way I wanted and it would be that way. I actually FELT deeply connected to everything and FELT that when it comes down to it LOVE and others is what there is and what you have.
I kept saying how much I truly loved my girlfriend and how much I support her in her life and in her own exploration. I thought about how I will treat everyone from now on, with full acceptance and love for its them that keep me sane and grounded with my reality.
My sister during this time had been playing some VERY relaxing hinduistic yoga (Deva Premal) music and it really did make my experience that much more peaceful.
Deep down I discovered that through listening to Alan Watts about waking up and reliazing that this is all a dream and that the universe is YOUR reality I was WANTING to feel it even though I did get it intellectually. I got it. I get it.
It was perfect. My trip was exactly like a movie:
1) It started happy
2) All of sudden conflict arose and climax soon followed
3) Just when the worst possible feelings could reach peak and the story could end either way I began to resolve the conflict and find the answer
4) In the corniest way possible I found the answer to be that of LOVE and others
5) The conclusion to the movie is that we are all creations of our own mind. That the most powerful and important part of us as humans and as beings is love. It keeps us grounded and warms our hearts and mind. No matter how difficult your life may seem and how terrible it is, it is all your own doing and your own thought process. Life can be as terrible as possible or as astonishing and beautiful as possible, but its up to you.
By the end of the trip I began to come down but I cried because of what I had experienced.
I almost ended my life today and I chose not to and by doing so I found love and thee (my) meaning of life.
I now understand what it means to be the divine or of 'god' and I am glad that I have finally realized it.
I do not know if everyone should do entheogens based off my experience anymore. But I think that any sort of life threatening experience or practice could indeed induce this feeling of reality and divine. As Alan Watts has said in the past, once you get it you get it. When you get the point through psychedelics hang up the phone for the biologist does not sit with his eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what has been seen.
I Love You All.