Describing this terrifying place that appearantly is possible to visit with the right amount of mushrooms and circumstances, seems preposterous using the words of human language alone, but the few of you who has been there will understand.
The feeling of being on the brink of what is possible to come back alive from is in its very essence when you are here. And the overwhelming feeling of darkness and reality breakdown gets so severe that I found myself begging.. On my naked, meta-physical knees BEGGING for it to just stop. Every cell in your body, which you barely feel anyway, screams that this is very, very wrong.
And it was fucking amazing!
How I found myself being in this utterly strange and unfamiliar reality is rather foolish, but perhaps ineviteble. The dose i used was 3,5g of the B+ strain, and a later 2,5g dose Cambodians, combined with smoking weed and haschisch throughout the night.
It was my second trip with my girlfriend, prior to that i have had maybe 10 milder trips, with the most intense being a level 4 using the lemon tek method, which btw is truly amazing.
Anyway we were walking home from a couple of non-chewing friends of ours when we decided to eat our 3,5g b+ dose outside on our way home. Said and done we chewed em up and swallowed down with orange juice and felt very calm and happy as we were about to experience another great night together. It was cold as hell outside but the 25 minute walk home was still mind-soothing and refresing.
As we got back home we did the usual routine. Rolled up a few joints, lit candles and put on whatever music we felt like, as we enjoyed the coming up together. This nights first wave is not interesting to talk about, since all of us here knows how it is to be in a couzy little ~level 3 trip just enjoying the moment together with someone you like. Little did i know how mind-infecting the mushroom can be tho, since my attention started drifting towards the 5 grams of Cambodians i had dried in the oven.
About three hours into this couzy but somewhat dissappointing trip i remember asking the mushroom "How high can you relly go? How mind-fucked is it possible to get? Whats the breaking point?" Thats when we decided to split the cambodiands, expecting not much more then a reset from the nights earlier trip with perhaps stronger hallucinations and more giggles, you know cute shit. But immediately after the ingestion i got this really deeply rooted and crazy feeling of "Fuck.. this is one of those times I have done a very serious decision and now im gonna have to stick with it no matter what." So I rolled up 2 more joints and waited for the wave which i KNEW would come fast, and hard. This is where it gets crazy..
Out of fucking nowhere, my reality just starts breaking down... completely. I get feelings of panic and nausea and i start to sweat really bad. I lie in the bed with my clothes on and some voice deep in the back of my head urges me to take of my clothes, unless i wanna burn up and die. But the words i hear my, should we call it survival instinct?, tell me makes little or no sense. Clothes? Warm? Sweating? Alive? Dead? Good trip? Bad trip? Whats the difference?
Less and less made any kind of sense, and upon closing my eyes, BILLIONS of bits of data in forms of patterns and unexplainable objects were just overwhelming my mind and being beyond human comprehension. As i try to deal with this fucked up reality which was really heavy enough, all these anxiety feelings bubbled in me and my ego just screams, holding on to survive. As if this wasnt enough I had all these dark eyes watching me and arms reaching for me in the background, just refusing to go away throughout this whole experience. I knew that this was a lot more then just "think positive and it will be great". This COULDNT make a turn for the better, cause i didn't know what good or bad was. Every little word, concept or thing was just unfamiliar and non comforting.
"Im your bitch, I know how powerful you are now, please don't hurt me anymore.."
Whenever i opened my eyes and tried to hold on to an object in this reality, to not vanish completely into the craziness, the object would just turn into this abstract concept which my mind couldnt grasp, and it just melted into the environment. I felt like it was a real possibility that my atoms would just scatter in all directions and i would be stuck in this quantified, weird and unfamiliar reality forever.
"This isnt right.. this is not what is suppose to happen! Even with agony and pain comes goodness and insight, but this is just sheer, pointless terror.. make it stop i dont want to be here anymore PLEASE get me the fuck back to reality!"
You think you are tough? Yeah i used to think that too, the mushroom will rape your petty ego so hard that you would pay, do and give anything just to be a happy little boy or girl again when you are in this state of mind, unaware of the strange and terrible things you can put your conciousness through.
I remember thinking to myself that if this is the place that our conciousness goes too when we die, I truly understand why god would build a physical reality to escape to. Cause in this world, there is no escape. Things are the way they are and everytime you try to wrap your head around something here, it slips through your fingers like fucking sand and it just becomes another abstraction. In fact, the only thing that kept me from going completely insane, except from my tripping girlfriend next to me, was me tapping my finger against my body. Cause as long as i was able to keep a beat going, time was going by.. and i was gonna be restored, i just had to hold on. At some moments in your life, you are REALLY glad and thankful that time exists in this realm. In this state, time itself is your absolute best friend.
Anyway, i'm not really sure what to take from this experience. It was the toughest, most intense moment of my life but has after all left me pretty much unshaken. I don't know if the experience slayed or made my ego even stronger for enduring this. Hey, im still here breathing talking about this.
During the short pauses between the most intense waves, when i could collect myself just a tiny bit, i almost smiled and laughed at the absurdity of it all. I felt like a fallen and dying action hero with nothing left but his humor, saying to my unexpecting girlfriend who has been with me the whole time "Want some more?" with great sarcasm and a retarded smile on my face. I withstood the last moments of insanity and started to come down, completely mind-fucked and in awe. Perhaps even proud that i made it through something like this with relative ease. Somehow these 3 hours truly felt like only 4-5 hours, and not like an eternity, which was cool.
I definately want to do this shit again and i now have greater confidence that no matter how dark and ugly it gets, you can get through it and come out better then before.
Why be afraid, it's only reality... right?
Now i gotta go kiss my girlfriend, her fantastic son with whom we live, time and life itself.