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Death isn't so bad

First trip 4gs

I'm not entirely sure what level this is, as this was my most intense trip. However, I conclude that you can never really reach the ceiling of tripping (like with pot), but it passes the descriptions of the first 2 so here goes.

Okay, so it's the day after I get my paycheck, I wasn't able to cash it the day before because I worked until midnight.
After I get home from school, I immediately ask to use the car to go cash my check (I also ritually get an eighth of bud, which is where I was directed to the people who were selling shrooms)

I go pick up some bud and the shrooms. I get home, smoke him out for the favor, go home and do the usual. My dad makes dinner, and leaves. He usually leaves without saying where he's going, sometimes he comes back within the hour, if not that means he went out to the bar or wherever he goes.

After 2 hours of my dad being gone, I am REALLY hesitant. It's only 8:30pm, and if he DID in fact go out, then he could be home anytime.
The stars must have aligned perfectly for me this day, because he was gone for the longest time he's ever been gone.

I decide to eat half. I split the shrooms, and slowly start eating them, all while on the phone with my girlfriend.
It took about 15 minutes to eat them, I chewed them up real good with skittles to mask the taste.

After I get off the phone with my girlfriend, I decide to go watch some tv.
For some reason my little brother is taking a nap. I feel extremely isolated in my house now. The only thing that makes me feel accompanied is my TV, and I know in the back of my mind that this is pseudo-company and that any feeling of less loneliness is illusory.

This is where I start to feel effects.

The first thing I notice is an extreme feeling of anxious / nervous/ excitedness swelling up in me.
I didn't think this was the mushrooms as much as I thought that I was just getting jitters from the anticipation, which may have added to the effect.

The body feeling of anxiousness makes me restless. I start to have sort of ADHD symptoms, in that I can't focus on the tv and relax anymore. I can't keep a straight line of thought without it jumping into completely unrelated thoughts. I still think this is just the jitters.

Until I stood up, when I stood up, I felt a slightly drunken feeling. Like when you're buzzed but don't feel it in your body until you stand up. This was coupled with the opposite body load that pot has. Instead of feeling weighed down, I feel like I'm as light as ever. I honestly felt like if I jumped, I wouldn't come back to the ground.

I really felt weird with this peculiar high and the isolated feeling, so I went into my room and woke my brother up and told him that I think I'm gonna start tripping soon. He rolled over enough to acknowledge me, but went back to sleep so I went to my room to play some Call of Duty

I was still pretty boss at Call of Duty, but after about 3 games I get that ADHD feeling again. I cant concentrate on the game, I start seeing a visual fuzz on my walls that made my wall look colorful but it didn't take any shapes so I didn't think it was visuals.
Before I know it, the body feeling just takes me over. I feel like the only thing that was logical for the feeling of my body was to rock back and forth. I was making some weird movement with my hands that made perfect sense to me, like I was illustrating what was going on in my brain with my hands.
For some reason this was fascinating to me, fascinating in a way that made me giggle like a baby playing peek-a-boo

I went back into the living room, this is about 30 minutes or so after I went in my brother's room. He's out watching TV now, so I sit and watch too. It wasn't even passed the commercial break that I felt so restless again that I couldn't sit still. I spent the next 15 minutes just waltzing about my house, looking for something to eat, looking through tv guide, just walking around because I felt like I had something to do, but I didn't know what.
By this time my brother made himself a sandwhich and was just chillin at the kitchen table so I sat across from him.
Me "when do you think dad's gonna be home?"
My brother "I don't know, when did he leave?"
Me " I don't know, not long after we ate, about the same time you went to sleep"
My brother "Oh, I don't know, where did he go?"
Me "He didn't say"
My brother "Well, he's probably at the bar. He'll be home soon, he's been gone for almost 3 hours"
Me "It feels so good to just touch everything....." While stretching my body, looking like I'm hugging the table.
He laughed and I got up to go to the bathroom. By this time I was feeling good, REALLY good. I was also noticing that my depth perception was off, instead of seeing depth, it just seemed like the closer things got, they just increased in size.

My thought at this time was "If shrooms make you feel this good, I wonder how good I'll feel with twice this much!"
I went into my room and chomped down the rest plain. The taste of cubes I'll never forget.

This is about an hour and a half after I ate the first ones. I'm on my computer, the text onscreen start to look like they're dancing syncronized to the part that I'm reading.
At this point I'm a little more than incompetent at comprehending sentences without reading them more than once. I get my ps3 controller (I'm still in my party in call of duty) and quit the game to listen to some music.

This is where I think I started actually tripping. 30 minutes after ingestion of the second 2 grams.
I started freaking out, it was the feeling in my mind that I also felt during my second trip. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it's a replacement of the overall general feeling of life. I think I'd rather feel depressed than like this. Depression feels empty, more like lack of emotion. This felt like it stripped away all the meaning I gave to anything I've ever known. I felt like I was stuck in the moment of feeling helpless and meaningless. This was an overwhelming humbling feeling that I couldn't overcome being the first time I've ever felt this way.

This is where my thoughts become memorable as completely different than my normal train of thought. I was laying there with my eyes closed, and I see a figure of a sphere with other spheres orbiting around it. Like an atom, like the solar system. I realized that when the world ends, there will be nobody to tell the distant alien planets the legacy of humans. Their feats and flaws. All leading to the possibilty of those alien planets making the same exact mistakes.
I also acknowledged a sense of a collective consciousness. I think everyone acknowledges this, but they percieve it as civilization. They percieve the sense of collective conscious to be the kind of feel you get when you're with a lot of people as opposed to the isolated feeling that I was talking about earlier.

I noticed that I was just rolling around in my bed at this point. I told myself that I never should have done shrooms. For some reason I had this feeling that I should kill myself, but I also had this conflicting feeling that I wanted to live. I was basically just scared that I would give in to the part that wanted to kill myself.

Everything revolves around death, now. I realized, with the help of the visualization of the spheres orbiting a central sphere, that life is just a cycle of day and night.
I would wake up next morning like I did this morning. But in the end, I'll be in bed ready to go to sleep, like I am now. Just until the day that I didn't wake up the next day. Or until the day that I fashionably fell asleep forever.

I realized that the moment when I die, will be just as real and just as experienced as now. That now will seem like a faded memory that only I will remember. And right now, death seems like a distant imminency.
This is when I experienced what can only be described as a "moment of eternity" like stated in the description. Every moment is now, everything done in ANY moment lasts forever. That's how it's eternal, the moment happens, and the fact that anything happened in any given moment, it will still be a fact that it happened in any moment in the future. Anyway, I felt like I would be stuck in what was happening forever. There was no passing of time. I started to think that this is how time was meant to be percieved, and that people who never used clocks percieved time this way.

This all happens within about 20 minutes.
I'm still scared of death, and still, the theme of this trip is about death.

This is where it gets kind of freaky, all the songs that were playing had some reference to death, with no break of a song without death inbetween.
Metallica - One "Hold my breath as I wish for death, oh god, please help me"
Evanescence - Like You "I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you. There's room inside for two, and I'm not grieving for you, I'm coming for you"
Nirvana - The man who sold the world
And the last one, which has remained a very profound song ever since, and means a lot to me
Circle Takes the Square - Interview at the Ruins
The whole song is about facing death with no fear (I actually didn't know this during the trip. I realized it after reading the lyrics afterwards)
The guitar riffs in the climax of that song gave off the vibe that I needed to turn the trip around. Somehow, the music in the climax is like a summary of the song's lyrics and message.
It screamed a feeling of Sadness, loneliness, and helplessness, but at the same time, it symbolized that this sad, lonely music produces a sound of ineffible beauty. The beauty of death.

After this, I'm not sure what happened. I think I fell asleep or something because there is a blank spot in my memory, where I only remember having to get up to go to the bathroom.
By this time my dad was home, I don't know how or when he got home. I looked at my phone and it as exactly 1:00AM
I was obviously still tripping because I thought this meant that I was in the afterlife. The afterlife starts at 1 o clock, but goes on forever.

In all honesty, I remember so much about the trip that this isn't even the beginning, so I'm going to end it here. My thoughts felt so bizarre, and my thoughts were also so vivid in a way that it was like a mini dream everytime I thought of anything.

The profoundness of my new perception of death proved useful in the following week where my grandma passed away during brain surgery in an attempt to remove a brain tumor.
I listened to that Circle Takes the Square song over and over and over. The guitar riffs that taught me sadness was that much more beautiful because it was sad moved me to tears. I was honestly mostly in shock, and in after-shock where I just felt void of emotion when she passed. This song and the profoundness experienced with it all added up to directing my jumbled, shocked emotions.
It was okay to cry, it actually let me cry, because I felt like I couldn't cry for some reason.
When I cried, I could feel the beauty. It made it SO much better to cry, it let me realize again that death isn't so bad.

Fairy Ring Spores
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