I am curious to hear about other peoples speculations on Ego death in reference to becoming a shaman.
I will briefly explain important points of my experience.
The first time I took it I fought so hard and entities had to rush me to some sort of cosmic 'hospital' because I was dying floating amongst a massive furry of cosmic synapses even to the point of the very particals we are made up of, with a huge feeling of pressure on my face mostly on the top of my dome and teeth, I was stretched across a continuous current of everything inside 'time' and matter that has ever in some sense existed. Because I was egotistically searching for something and not letting go..
I felt two two surgeons which became working on me in a racing hyperspace, they were going deeper and deeper into me tearing about every frequency my energy was made out of digging into my chest. They were not those friendly entities offering me love and rainbows in return of the pain/work, people talk about. They were malacious.
" You think you can create your own reality? We'll show you what a trip is all about!" and laughed ravenously and tore away at my astral body, the sheer essence of me, strand by strand tediously under the most heaviest pressure, until I felt myself without ego, without thought, I tried to take control and step out of my trip and instead I faced the blackest empty space, I was alone with my own essense of self and I was comfortable even though I thought I had died and left everyone on earth behind and departed with my 'present' reality. I felt no fear.
I thought I woke up in my own room but I was actually in this hospital that the entities took me too, I looked at my hands, I was this pale body in a hospital gown. I couldnt bare to see what was behind the door I then looked to my right.I saw a dark figure which symbolised pure death, I could not breath. I saw death with its back turned to me but at the same time directed to me and as much as I was absolutely mortified, petrified, unable to move incomplete sheer disgust of fear I then woke up.
I didnt realise that it was real (coming back into my body) I felt like screaming my head off as I felt like I had lost all faculities of myself, not because I had experienced hyper space but because I had experienced loss of ego and a feeling of death.
Even the apparant "guru" who gave it to me had not experienced the death of ego and rarely heard of it (This is someone who I to this day do not regard highly) I have been looking online about similar experiences and have come across alot of shaman articals which say
"You have one foot into the door of the under world." and it is a sign of an initiation though no one but myself was there to guide me when my concious voice encouraged me that it would be okay.
I have always been different from my christian family and I was wondering if someone could shed light on how common it is to experience death of ego and if it is a sign of any sort.
I have changed extremely since then (moved from out of the city and into the bush on a very high hill in newzealand, are more attuned and aware of my surroundings than ever before.
(Just a note the order of the event is not something I can truely describe or structure as it all happened in what felt 20 minutes and my mind still can not grasp ever detail as I know i will never know everything of everything)