In the beginning, I AM

A few years ago, you could look at me and tell I was on my way to living the American Dream. I had a good career, good pay, a loving family, and respected by many in my community. But recently, after some bad decisions on my part, I went through a series of misfortunes, in which I lost many things, damaged many relationships, and ended up in an environment with unlovely people and circumstances. In a short time, life became a downward spiral, so awful and traumatic at some points that I contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. During this period of my life, I had many questions about who I am, how the world works, and how God fits into all this. For answers, I began reading many spiritual books, and though much of what I read resonated with me, there remained a deep need for an experience of the things I was reading; to know for myself what is true, what is real, and how to go about getting my life back on track.

Trying to apply meditation techniques from a normal waking state, like closing my eyes, sitting still, and clearing my mind were only helping me to go back to sleep, though I admit it only means I have not yet mastered these techniques. At present, they were not aiding me in my search for answers. But after reading the experiences of those who were under the influence of entheogens, I felt that the use of certain plants would help me on my spiritual journey.

After preparing for my trip with a sitter, I shredded 3 grams of dried mushrooms, stirred them within a cup of cool, sweet tea, and took small sips for the next minute or so until the cup was empty. Sitter put on a 30 minute repeatable song called "Shamanic Dream", by Anugama. I lay on the sofa, closed my eyes, and became motionless. The music could be heard coming from behind me to the left, consisting of Native American drums, flute, ambient sounds, and male chanting in the background. After about 20 minutes, I began to feel the initial effects of the mushrooms, which included rapid heartbeat, heightened physical sensations, and some closed-eye visuals. I slowly began losing the feeling of having a body, but still conscious of being aware. Mind chatter ceased.

After about 10 minutes, my first breakthrough experience occurred. Influenced by the rhythm of the music, my consciousness shifted, and I was gracefully submerged into what I can only describe as nothingness. No geometric patterns or other visuals, just empty blackness, but I knew it to be nothing, not dark, just nothing. There was also an expansion in my consciousness, and my physical body did not exist here. Within the nothingness there was a sense of equilibrium. I wasn't conscious of feeling safe, but neither was I conscious of feeling threatened. I wasn't conscious of feeling good, but neither was I conscious of feeling bad. I was simply aware...witnessing, and despite the fact there were no visuals, I felt it to be a place of perfection.

During this time, the music took on what could best be described as a musical carousel, in which I was centered. All the sounds were arranged in such a way that each had their own distinct place surrounding my consciousness, so the music as a whole was no longer coming from one direction, but all directions, each sound slowly revolving around me, with such a profound clarity that I could hear the articulations of each instrument and voice as if I was within the music.

In the nothingness, I still had the ability to direct my thinking, and it was from this state that I could easily assume anything I would like for myself, for someone else, or for the whole world, and instantly felt the conviction that it is already so. Those positive affirmations we repeat throughout the day, could be expressed just once in the nothingness, and there was no doubt in consciousness that such assumptions would rapidly materialize in the world. This experience of being submerged into nothingness lasted about 10 seconds.

Afterwards, I emerged at semi-normal consciousness, meaning I was more aware of my body, I was aware that I lay on the sofa, and the music came from behind me to the left. However, I remained motionless with eyes closed. At this state, I felt my consciousness slowly ascending upward, not away from my body into the sky, but ascending deeper within my body, towards the center of my head. I was faintly aware of my rapid heartbeat, but by remaining physically still, I could not feel my body at all, and therefore I could not fully identify with it. As I ascended, I felt as if I was going behind the scenes of how the world came into being, sort of like seeing all the lights, colors and activities of the world on a stage, and slowly moving into the darkness behind the curtains. This ascension experience lasted for several minutes.

Then, my second breakthrough occurred. Much like the previous experience, I was submerged into nothingness for about 10 seconds, which included the the expansion of consciousness, the loss of physical body awareness, and the surround sound effect of the musical carousel. The entire journey was an alternating process of submersion into nothingness, followed by ascending higher within myself, followed by submersion, followed by a yet higher ascension, and it seemed that each submersion was more profound than the last. During each experience in the nothingness, I couldn't help but think, "This is so familiar...", "I've been here before...", though I've never had a breakthrough experience with entheogens before, nor can I recall any dreams of this nature.

By the fifth time I was submerged into the nothingness, I realized that I was at the very beginning of time. And the only thing that can accurately describe the moment is Genesis 1:1, which says, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth," but in my experience it was only the first part, "In the beginning...", and there I was, conscious of being there in the beginning. No one else, just me. Nothing else existed, no heavens, no earth, no light, no dark, no time, no space, no body, no other... Just nothingness, and I was conscious in that nothingness. I was consciousness aware of itself.

It was at that point I realized "I" was the Nothingness, and it was this Nothingness that is the Source of all that existed. In other words, "In the beginning, I AM." And this I AM, is the real me, that I am Source, that I am God.

This feeling of being in the beginning was a present, contemporary experience. In other words, in my experience, the world wasn't created thousands or millions of years ago, but just now, and within the confines of time and space, it only appears to have occurred so long ago. And the Nothingness is still there now, intelligently pulling all the strings on the world stage. And there is no beginning or origin of this Nothingness, it just IS, and always has been, and it is only through the Nothingness, through the I AM within, that any desire can be realized effortlessly.

When I came out of the experience, I began crying to tears, saying out loud, "It's been me the whole time, and all it ever was, was me and only me." My sitter didn't say anything, but gave me some tissue to keep me from getting snot on the sofa.

For the next hour, I had a remarkable afterglow. I was fully aware that I was back in my body. I could move the body like normal, and speak through it. I knew my human name, race, gender, etc. But interestingly, I was conscious from a higher level of my being, a level that was not fully identified with my body, and I spoke with my sitter from this level. I controlled my body as usual, but was thinking from a completely different level, as if I were visiting Earth from another world, and wearing this body like a costume. And I had no fear of losing this body, that even if it died, I would be okay. In that moment, as if a reminder from the Nothingness, I knew the real me was not the body I was wearing, that I am something far greater. As the effects of the mushrooms slowly dissipated, so did my consciousness slowly descend to my normal level of being.

The trip as a whole was very graceful and enlightening, and I really appreciate my sitter's support as it made me comfortable to fully immerse myself in the experience. I still have some questions about life, some of which were asked by my sitter as a challenge to my convictions, but for the longest time I wanted to know, "Who am I," and I feel this particular experience, of being in the beginning, is the perfect starting point for greater revelations.

My love, if you have a deep longing for a spiritual experience of who you are, the plants can guide you. Go into the experience with this desire in mind, and don't be afraid. I AM within you, calling you to myself, that you might remember that I love you... I love you.