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Judgment

What does this all mean?



Background: This is my first trip report. I will post what I remember from this experience in as much detail as possible but my memory of it all is foggy at best. It is rather personal but feedback is welcome and desired.

I started doing drugs when I was very young, at the age of 12. My first substance was alcohol, which led to marijuana, and from that point on I was sold on drugs. I wanted to try everything out there and I more or less did so. I entered rehab for the first time at age 14, an IOP, because I had developed a crystal meth habit with IV as my preferred ROI. I ceased using crystal within a month, but continued experimentation. At 16 I went to two wilderness programs, and then a residential treatment center I stayed at for a year. There wasn't a specific substance that got me there, just the fact that I wasn't happy sober and consequently was always on some kind of drug. At 18 I went to my fifth program, an intensive inpatient program - I had been deep into IV cocaine/heroin use, and it was close to being the death of me. The point is, drugs aren't all joy for me so there is some kind of stigma attached to them for me. All throughout this time I'd been fascinated with psychedelics. I had tried and frequently used LSD, mushrooms, DMT, 2cb, 2ci, 2ce, and a variety of dissociatives that I rather enjoyed. Mammoth doses, easy trips, all sorts of experiences. I've been sober from the hard stuff for nearly a year, but have continued to smoke weed and occasionally use dissociatives. I have a girlfriend of two years, who mostly doesn't know I continue to use drugs. So yeah, I lie to her about it and have most of our relationship, though she knows drugs are a major problem for me as I went to rehab while we were together and have been hospitalized on overdoses several times. I hadn't really been seeking out any kind of psychedelic, until it came to me that I could probably find some mushrooms if I gave it a little effort. Sure enough, I did. Ounces and ounces of Psilocybe Weilii, or Psilocybe Caerulescens as some say. This was about a month or so ago.

Pre-trip:

So I found my first patch of Weilii a month ago, and of course the first night HAD to try some wet. In my past experiences with mushrooms, it wasn't uncommon for me to take 7+ grams of Cubensis, so I figured a dose of 50 grams wet would be strong while not overwhelming for an experienced tripper. I was wrong. My mind was not in a negative space, I was excited to use these mushrooms and looked forward to getting the chance to explore my mind and see where I was at. I guess it just came down to the fact that I wasn't prepared for the intensity. So I ate 50 grams wet at 10pm, and hopped into bed. I was alone, I like to trip alone when I'm doing soul searching type stuff. I planned to lay in bed on my back, lights out, listening to music.

The Trip:

10:00 - I had just eaten the mushrooms. They tasted outrageously bitter, but I got them down and then relaxed in bed. I had the TV on while I awaited the initial effects.

10:20 - I was watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, and began to feel the giggles, no visual distortions, just a typical body high - tingling and the sensation of temperature changes on my skin. I was still feeling excited knowing that they were coming on and that I'd soon be tripping.

10:40 - At this point I had turned off the TV and knew it was going to be a strong trip. I STILL did not anticipate anything negative. I felt no fear. I walked into the bathroom to pee, looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Ah, lovely psychedelics," as I noticed my face morph a little bit, saw my pupils were quite dilated, and begin to feel faster and faster the effects of the mushrooms take hold.

10:50 - I was back in bed and suddenly felt the first bit of fear. I just had a gut sensation that it was going to be too intense. I tried to tell myself to just relax, but I could feel my thoughts taking on a life of their own. It was nothing awful at this point, just a feeling of slight uneasiness.

11:00 - I felt extremely sick, I got up and sat in front of the toilet to throw up but couldn't. I thought to get a plastic bag to bring back to the bed in case the urge to puke came up and I couldn't make it to the toilet.

11:05 - I'm sitting in bed and my thoughts are getting more and more negative. I was thinking about how the fact that I brought the plastic bag to bed meant I was preparing for the worst and that it was the wrong wway to approach a trip. I was thinking I needed to be outside and not stuck in bed, but I didn't want to get up. Everything just felt off.

11:10 - I threw up violently; the vomit was red for some reason. I began to panic a bit, thinking that perhaps I was in physical danger. That's a really abnormal thought for me on psychedelics. My stomach was hurting something terrible still. I walked into the bathroom and sat by the toilet. For some reason I thought it best to LAY DOWN by the toilet. So I was on the tile floor, laying there by the toilet.

11:45? - I really don't remember much of what happened from that moment till about this time. I was just pretty scared for my health but also still had that mediating voice in my head telling me that it's just the mushrooms making your stomach hurt and just your head making you scared. The next thing that I remember was laying on the floor in my bedroom, I could see a picture of my girlfriend and I. Our eyes were red, our faces had taken on the appearance of demons. I was somewhat disturbed by this.

Time is mostly meaningless from there. Looking at that picture got me thinking that doing the mushrooms was evil. I had betrayed my girlfriend and was paying the price for it through this unpleasant trip. It must be noted at this point that I am an atheist. Anyways, I was laying there on the floor still. I know my eyes were open but it was a total OBE, a dream-like state I've only experienced on epic acid doses and intense DMT trips. I was facing a large feline, which I came to realize was the Cheshire cat from Alice and Wonderland. The cat was vividly colorful, smiling evilly at me, and it was speaking though its mouth wasn't moving. It was speaking in strange riddles that I mostly couldn't understand. What I made out was that from the beginning of my life, I have been lying, cheating, stealing, and destroying everything around me. The cat told me that I had died and that it was time for me to face my judgment. I really didn't see it as that; I still somehow understood it was the mushrooms. I was taken inside the cat, through some kind of massive spiral. I felt my body twisting and turning and flipping in ways that aren't humanly possible, and then realized I was actually flailing about wildly in real life, moving my arms and legs and torso and neck rapidly, almost like a seizure. I felt my limbs bending around as if I had no bones.

I traveled through the cat via this colorful spiral portal. Then I was facing another massive spiral. I found myself sitting on the top of the spiral, looking below. I saw it was never ending. Suddenly, I heard the cat again, this time it was faintly singing. I couldn't make out this awful song again, but as it sang I traveled down the spiral. One second, I felt the most intense pleasure of my life. The next, awful terrible fear. This fear/pleasure thing cycled as I went down the spiral, all along the cat sang this eerie song I couldn't understand. I realized I was getting close to the end of the spiral. I was actually feeling a horrible sense of fear, despite the huge rushes of pleasure, as to what I would experience at the end of the spiral. The cat sang, and I realized it was singing "Was it all worth it? It's going to be your penis."

Now what that meant I didn't know. As soon as I got to the bottom of the spiral I felt myself laying there, in a totally empty black void. I couldn't see myself or anything, just emptiness, but I knew I was there. Then I heard the cat say, "Was it all worth it? It's going to be your penis." Then it was communicated to me, without words, that I was going to experience the most intense sexual pleasure that could be experienced, followed by the most intense genital pain imaginable. I realized it meant that drugs were both the most enjoyable and evil thing in my life, and that I had to decide if the pleasure was worth the pain.

I felt the most intense adrenaline rush of my life. It was like being fired through a canon, traveling through space at the speed of light. The rush was mostly in my chest, but then it shifted to my penis. I felt that I was seconds away from having an orgasm, while this adrenaline rush went on, and that it would be the most pleasurable thing in the world, but I was so scared at what the pain would be like. I blacked out. I have no clue if I ever felt the pain and pleasure, I don't remember anything.

Next thing I remember I was sitting on my bed. This time, I felt I was dead again but any sense of self that could tell me it was the mushrooms causing this experience was long gone. At this point, I was really dead. I was sitting there, with my eyes open, but yet I was in a totally dark void again, and then I heard the voice of what I immediately knew was god. I won’t capitalize god because I don't believe in him, but this experience sure did make a case for him. He told me that I had died, and that he had yet to decide if I would be banished to hell or not. He told me that to get to heaven, I would have to go through a lifetime of hell. Suddenly, uncontrollably, I felt myself ripping the flesh from my face and arms and back. I felt myself peeling the skin from my face, and felt my bones underneath. It wasn't under my control, I was just doing it.

I blacked out again and was back laying on the floor where I originally saw the Cheshire cat. Now this time I saw myself strapped down on what looked like a hospital bed/torture board, and that my skin was hanging from my bones. I was crying, whimpering, and then I saw that there was a massive swinging blade above me. It came down, swinging in front of my face, and then I felt it. It was horrifying, terrible pain, as it dragged slowly across my flesh. I felt it cutting me away. It kept slicing me over and over, it felt just like the sensation of being cut with a knife, and I thought that eventually my body would be completely destroyed, but it just continued to slice me. The slicing stopped, and I felt my mangled body being dragged by some kind of spinning machine. I was in this massive room, all concrete, and I was being dragged across the concrete in every direction. Again, the pain was immense. I realized that in reality, I was actually dragging myself across the floor.

I blacked out again, and the next thing I remember I was standing in the middle of my room. I was shouting "JESUS!!!" and I saw the stereotypical image of Jesus there, in the complete void that I experienced over and over again this night. He was looking at me, and he communicated that I was nearly done. It really had felt like an eternity. I thought perhaps it had been a thousand years of pain. As he communicated (I say communicated because he did not actually move his lips, but he was speaking) that I was almost done, I felt a horrid burning sensation inside of me. I felt my inside turn inside out, and my guts spill out of my mouth onto the floor. It burned, and I collapsed to the floor (in reality) and I felt that I was simply a soul, that my body had been completely annihilated. I blacked out again.

At this point, I was standing again in my room, except that I was just a soul without a body. I began to flow around my room, and I observed pictures of my family and saw my dog sleeping on my floor, and considered how much I had hurt them. I realize now that I was actually running around my room, but at the time I felt I was a soul, flying. My soul stopped flowing about, and it hovered in the center of my room. I saw jesus again. He was communicating in the same fashion, except that I don't remember exactly what he was saying. I just remember he was being very vague about what was going to happen to me, and I felt for sure I was going to go back to what I thought was hell. I still thought I was dead.

Suddenly, as my soul hovered there, it exploded. I don't know how to explain this. I have experienced ego death on many different levels, but this was far beyond. It was as if my ego, id and superego were gone. There was no describing the sensation. I felt my soul stretch in all directions. I could see the outside of my house, the neighborhood, and then roads and streets and wilderness, except that it was in all directions, expanding infinitely, until I was surrounded by the black void again. I blacked out.

4:00 am - I found myself in bed. I realized I had been sleeping, for how long I don't know. I was soar all over in a way I've never experienced - far beyond body load. My head pulsed like never before. I went back to sleep.

Post-trip:

9:00 am - I woke up again. The first thing I noticed was that the spot I remember my inside falling out of my mouth, leaving my carapace a pile of jelly-like flesh - there was a vomit stain on the floor. I had just thrown up, and as I looked back that seemed pretty clear but at the time I never realized it. I looked around my room more and saw that several picture frames had been knocked off the wall, and some items on one of my dressers had been knocked over as well. I went to the mirror and saw that I had scrapes on my back and arms. They looked a bit like carpet burns. I began to think about the experience, and recall specifically that when I was ripping my flesh from my face, I was in fact pulling spit from my mouth.

There was a lot of points where I blacked out, or at least don't remember what happened in between experiences. I saw that the bag I had vomited in was in the trash, to which I have no recollection of placing it in. I also had brought a towel from my bathroom into my room and it was laying in my bed, yet I don't remember ever getting that from the bathroom.

I could sit here and speculate what all this means, but the morning after I just ended up going about my usual business. I really haven’t thought once about this trip since it happened, until I was reminded of it tonight. The trip after (2 grams dried Weilii) I had a very positive experience. I experienced complete ego death for an entire hour and it was extremely useful for me personally. I have done several other doses since then as well (1.75 grams - 3 grams dried), but have not had ego death since. They have all been great trips though. Feedback is MUCH appreciated.

 

 

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