This is my first trip report. I will post what I remember from this experience
in as much detail as possible but my memory of it all is foggy at best. It is
rather personal but feedback is welcome and desired.
doing drugs when I was very young, at the age of 12. My first substance was
alcohol, which led to marijuana, and from that point on I was sold on drugs. I
wanted to try everything out there and I more or less did so. I entered rehab
for the first time at age 14, an IOP, because I had developed a crystal meth
habit with IV as my preferred ROI. I ceased using crystal within a month, but
continued experimentation. At 16 I went to two wilderness programs, and then a
residential treatment center I stayed at for a year. There wasn't a specific
substance that got me there, just the fact that I wasn't happy sober and
consequently was always on some kind of drug. At 18 I went to my fifth program,
an intensive inpatient program - I had been deep into IV cocaine/heroin use,
and it was close to being the death of me. The point is, drugs aren't all joy
for me so there is some kind of stigma attached to them for me. All throughout
this time I'd been fascinated with psychedelics. I had tried and frequently
used LSD, mushrooms, DMT, 2cb, 2ci, 2ce, and a variety of dissociatives that I
rather enjoyed. Mammoth doses, easy trips, all sorts of experiences. I've been
sober from the hard stuff for nearly a year, but have continued to smoke weed and
occasionally use dissociatives. I have a girlfriend of two years, who mostly
doesn't know I continue to use drugs. So yeah, I lie to her about it and have
most of our relationship, though she knows drugs are a major problem for me as
I went to rehab while we were together and have been hospitalized on overdoses
several times. I hadn't really been seeking out any kind of psychedelic, until
it came to me that I could probably find some mushrooms if I gave it a little
effort. Sure enough, I did. Ounces and ounces of Psilocybe Weilii, or Psilocybe
Caerulescens as some say. This was about a month or so ago.
So I found my
first patch of Weilii a month ago, and of course the first night HAD to try
some wet. In my past experiences with mushrooms, it wasn't uncommon for me to take
7+ grams of Cubensis, so I figured a dose of 50 grams wet would be strong while
not overwhelming for an experienced tripper. I was wrong. My mind was not in a
negative space, I was excited to use these mushrooms and looked forward to
getting the chance to explore my mind and see where I was at. I guess it just
came down to the fact that I wasn't prepared for the intensity. So I ate 50
grams wet at 10pm, and hopped into bed. I was alone, I like to trip alone when
I'm doing soul searching type stuff. I planned to lay in bed on my back, lights
out, listening to music.
10:00 - I had
just eaten the mushrooms. They tasted outrageously bitter, but I got them down
and then relaxed in bed. I had the TV on while I awaited the initial effects.
10:20 - I was
watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, and began to feel the giggles, no
visual distortions, just a typical body high - tingling and the sensation of
temperature changes on my skin. I was still feeling excited knowing that they
were coming on and that I'd soon be tripping.
10:40 - At
this point I had turned off the TV and knew it was going to be a strong trip. I
STILL did not anticipate anything negative. I felt no fear. I walked into the
bathroom to pee, looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Ah, lovely psychedelics,"
as I noticed my face morph a little bit, saw my pupils were quite dilated, and
begin to feel faster and faster the effects of the mushrooms take hold.
10:50 - I was
back in bed and suddenly felt the first bit of fear. I just had a gut sensation
that it was going to be too intense. I tried to tell myself to just relax, but
I could feel my thoughts taking on a life of their own. It was nothing awful at
this point, just a feeling of slight uneasiness.
11:00 - I
felt extremely sick, I got up and sat in front of the toilet to throw up but
couldn't. I thought to get a plastic bag to bring back to the bed in case the
urge to puke came up and I couldn't make it to the toilet.
11:05 - I'm
sitting in bed and my thoughts are getting more and more negative. I was
thinking about how the fact that I brought the plastic bag to bed meant I was
preparing for the worst and that it was the wrong wway to approach a trip. I
was thinking I needed to be outside and not stuck in bed, but I didn't want to
get up. Everything just felt off.
11:10 - I
threw up violently; the vomit was red for some reason. I began to panic a bit,
thinking that perhaps I was in physical danger. That's a really abnormal
thought for me on psychedelics. My stomach was hurting something terrible still.
I walked into the bathroom and sat by the toilet. For some reason I thought it
best to LAY DOWN by the toilet. So I was on the tile floor, laying there by the
11:45? - I
really don't remember much of what happened from that moment till about this
time. I was just pretty scared for my health but also still had that mediating
voice in my head telling me that it's just the mushrooms making your stomach
hurt and just your head making you scared. The next thing that I remember was laying
on the floor in my bedroom, I could see a picture of my girlfriend and I. Our
eyes were red, our faces had taken on the appearance of demons. I was somewhat
disturbed by this.
mostly meaningless from there. Looking at that picture got me thinking that
doing the mushrooms was evil. I had betrayed my girlfriend and was paying the
price for it through this unpleasant trip. It must be noted at this point that
I am an atheist. Anyways, I was laying there on the floor still. I know my eyes
were open but it was a total OBE, a dream-like state I've only experienced on
epic acid doses and intense DMT trips. I was facing a large feline, which I
came to realize was the Cheshire cat from Alice and Wonderland. The cat was
vividly colorful, smiling evilly at me, and it was speaking though its mouth
wasn't moving. It was speaking in strange riddles that I mostly couldn't
understand. What I made out was that from the beginning of my life, I have been
lying, cheating, stealing, and destroying everything around me. The cat told me
that I had died and that it was time for me to face my judgment. I really
didn't see it as that; I still somehow understood it was the mushrooms. I was
taken inside the cat, through some kind of massive spiral. I felt my body
twisting and turning and flipping in ways that aren't humanly possible, and
then realized I was actually flailing about wildly in real life, moving my arms
and legs and torso and neck rapidly, almost like a seizure. I felt my limbs
bending around as if I had no bones.
through the cat via this colorful spiral portal. Then I was facing another
massive spiral. I found myself sitting on the top of the spiral, looking below.
I saw it was never ending. Suddenly, I heard the cat again, this time it was
faintly singing. I couldn't make out this awful song again, but as it sang I
traveled down the spiral. One second, I felt the most intense pleasure of my
life. The next, awful terrible fear. This fear/pleasure thing cycled as I went
down the spiral, all along the cat sang this eerie song I couldn't understand.
I realized I was getting close to the end of the spiral. I was actually feeling
a horrible sense of fear, despite the huge rushes of pleasure, as to what I
would experience at the end of the spiral. The cat sang, and I realized it was
singing "Was it all worth it? It's going to be your penis."
Now what that
meant I didn't know. As soon as I got to the bottom of the spiral I felt myself
laying there, in a totally empty black void. I couldn't see myself or anything,
just emptiness, but I knew I was there. Then I heard the cat say, "Was it
all worth it? It's going to be your penis." Then it was communicated to
me, without words, that I was going to experience the most intense sexual
pleasure that could be experienced, followed by the most intense genital pain
imaginable. I realized it meant that drugs were both the most enjoyable and
evil thing in my life, and that I had to decide if the pleasure was worth the
I felt the
most intense adrenaline rush of my life. It was like being fired through a
canon, traveling through space at the speed of light. The rush was mostly in my
chest, but then it shifted to my penis. I felt that I was seconds away from
having an orgasm, while this adrenaline rush went on, and that it would be the
most pleasurable thing in the world, but I was so scared at what the pain would
be like. I blacked out. I have no clue if I ever felt the pain and pleasure, I
don't remember anything.
Next thing I
remember I was sitting on my bed. This time, I felt I was dead again but any
sense of self that could tell me it was the mushrooms causing this experience
was long gone. At this point, I was really dead. I was sitting there, with my
eyes open, but yet I was in a totally dark void again, and then I heard the
voice of what I immediately knew was god. I won’t capitalize god because I
don't believe in him, but this experience sure did make a case for him. He told
me that I had died, and that he had yet to decide if I would be banished to
hell or not. He told me that to get to heaven, I would have to go through a
lifetime of hell. Suddenly, uncontrollably, I felt myself ripping the flesh
from my face and arms and back. I felt myself peeling the skin from my face,
and felt my bones underneath. It wasn't under my control, I was just doing it.
I blacked out
again and was back laying on the floor where I originally saw the Cheshire cat.
Now this time I saw myself strapped down on what looked like a hospital
bed/torture board, and that my skin was hanging from my bones. I was crying,
whimpering, and then I saw that there was a massive swinging blade above me. It
came down, swinging in front of my face, and then I felt it. It was horrifying,
terrible pain, as it dragged slowly across my flesh. I felt it cutting me away.
It kept slicing me over and over, it felt just like the sensation of being cut
with a knife, and I thought that eventually my body would be completely destroyed,
but it just continued to slice me. The slicing stopped, and I felt my mangled
body being dragged by some kind of spinning machine. I was in this massive
room, all concrete, and I was being dragged across the concrete in every
direction. Again, the pain was immense. I realized that in reality, I was
actually dragging myself across the floor.
I blacked out
again, and the next thing I remember I was standing in the middle of my room. I
was shouting "JESUS!!!" and I saw the stereotypical image of Jesus
there, in the complete void that I experienced over and over again this night.
He was looking at me, and he communicated that I was nearly done. It really had
felt like an eternity. I thought perhaps it had been a thousand years of pain.
As he communicated (I say communicated because he did not actually move his
lips, but he was speaking) that I was almost done, I felt a horrid burning
sensation inside of me. I felt my inside turn inside out, and my guts spill out
of my mouth onto the floor. It burned, and I collapsed to the floor (in
reality) and I felt that I was simply a soul, that my body had been completely
annihilated. I blacked out again.
point, I was standing again in my room, except that I was just a soul without a
body. I began to flow around my room, and I observed pictures of my family and
saw my dog sleeping on my floor, and considered how much I had hurt them. I
realize now that I was actually running around my room, but at the time I felt
I was a soul, flying. My soul stopped flowing about, and it hovered in the
center of my room. I saw jesus again. He was communicating in the same fashion,
except that I don't remember exactly what he was saying. I just remember he was
being very vague about what was going to happen to me, and I felt for sure I
was going to go back to what I thought was hell. I still thought I was dead.
my soul hovered there, it exploded. I don't know how to explain this. I have
experienced ego death on many different levels, but this was far beyond. It was
as if my ego, id and superego were gone. There was no describing the sensation.
I felt my soul stretch in all directions. I could see the outside of my house,
the neighborhood, and then roads and streets and wilderness, except that it was
in all directions, expanding infinitely, until I was surrounded by the black
void again. I blacked out.
4:00 am - I
found myself in bed. I realized I had been sleeping, for how long I don't know.
I was soar all over in a way I've never experienced - far beyond body load. My
head pulsed like never before. I went back to sleep.
9:00 am - I
woke up again. The first thing I noticed was that the spot I remember my inside
falling out of my mouth, leaving my carapace a pile of jelly-like flesh - there
was a vomit stain on the floor. I had just thrown up, and as I looked back that
seemed pretty clear but at the time I never realized it. I looked around my
room more and saw that several picture frames had been knocked off the wall,
and some items on one of my dressers had been knocked over as well. I went to
the mirror and saw that I had scrapes on my back and arms. They looked a bit
like carpet burns. I began to think about the experience, and recall
specifically that when I was ripping my flesh from my face, I was in fact
pulling spit from my mouth.
There was a
lot of points where I blacked out, or at least don't remember what happened in
between experiences. I saw that the bag I had vomited in was in the trash, to
which I have no recollection of placing it in. I also had brought a towel from
my bathroom into my room and it was laying in my bed, yet I don't remember ever
getting that from the bathroom.
I could sit
here and speculate what all this means, but the morning after I just ended up
going about my usual business. I really haven’t thought once about this trip
since it happened, until I was reminded of it tonight. The trip after (2 grams
dried Weilii) I had a very positive experience. I experienced complete ego
death for an entire hour and it was extremely useful for me personally. I have
done several other doses since then as well (1.75 grams - 3 grams dried), but
have not had ego death since. They have all been great trips though. Feedback
is MUCH appreciated.