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Ego Death and Tranquility of Being

~5g of Cubensis and my Journey to...I'm not sure

I began to write out this trip earlier and it started to resemble a full book, so I decided to rewrite and condense, focusing on the trip and trimming the fat.  It still may be lengthy, but I need some space to attempt to adequately describe what happened! 

Myself and three close friends (S, R, and T) planned a trip to another beautiful state park in SoCal.  S had sourced some particularly potent shrooms; they bruised a very nice blue and were "springy" to the touch.  None of us realized how potent they actually were until after we started to come up.  As I was seeking an ego-death experience (my first), I decided to dose approximately 4.5g, and T decided to do about 4g.  S and R stuck with a little over 3.5g each.

The setting was ideal: beautiful CA weather, amazing sand dunes, expansive and mostly deserted beaches, dense forest, and fresh air. 

After setting up camp, the three of us journeyed to a dense grove of gnarled Eucalyptus trees where we quickly took our doses.  I had about 3.8g on a PBJ with chunky peanut butter and rasberry jam.  I had an additional two caps from my other bag and consumed that part of the dose with a handful of raspberries and copious amounts of apple juice.    

Within two minutes of ingesting that part of the dose, I was feeling the typical and initial shroom buzz.  Normally it takes me at least twenty minutes to feel anything at all, and so I knew at that moment that I was in for quite a trip.

The buzz was less noticeable as we set out toward the dunes, and we set our sights on the tallest dune we could find.  The sand we walked on was fine and soft, but was just firm enough to make for easy travel.

We reached the top of the dune and were presented with an amazing view of the beach about eighty feet below, and we could see the rolling dunes and forest for miles around. 

T brought along his portable iHome, and we sat down, chatted, and listened to an amazing shroom playlist, perfected over the years by T.  S and R went off on their own, and T and I sat on the dune chatting and listening to music.  After about twenty minutes, I began to feel rubbery and a little nauseous.  Now, I am just one of those people whose digestive system does not tolerate shrooms well, and as was continuing to feel more and more nauseous, I decided to strike out on my own.  T lead me down a ravine toward the beach and the walk helped me forget about my upset stomach for a while as I took in the amazing colors of the surrounding environment; greys became vivid blues, the greens became almost neon, dark reds and lavenders, seemed to pulse and glow, and the brown sand seemed to turn to an appealing shade of gold. 

As we neared the end of the ravine, T and I took a break on a small gazebo made of old pallets and scrap metal.  We listened to music for a bit longer, but I felt a new wave of nausea overtake me and told him that I would meet him on the beach later.  I headed to the end of the ravine and down the steep sandy slope to the beach below.  My legs felt weak, but I continued on until I reached level ground. 

At this point, I was still feeling nauseous, and so I began to walk up and down the beach, hoping physical activity would take my mind off of how horrible my stomach was feeling.  Normally, I think that would have worked, but at that juncture I started to come up rather quickly, which certainly didn't help my nausea.  I headed back up the beach toward the hill underneath the sand dune we had initially climbed to and saw that T, S, and R were all back at the top.  I managed a feeble wave and then sat at the bottom of the hill and looked out at the ocean.

Looking at the waves and the seagulls, I realized that everything was in slow motion.  The waves were breaking so slowly they seemed almost indecisive about whether they actually wanted to come into shore.  Likewise, the birds flying in the air seemed in no particular hurry to get anywhere as they slowly flapped their wings.  I turned my head to the south end of the beach and noticed that my body, too, moved in slow motion.  I marveled at the discordance between my (seemingly) lightening fast thought and the sluggishness of the world around me.  I idly reflected on relativity theory for a while and the subjectivity of time to various observers and wondered if Einstein had ever done shrooms.  It was then that I was hit by the most severe wave of nausea of the entire trip.

I immediately rolled over to my right side and began retching.  I probably heaved a good five or six times but, thankfully, nothing came up, probably due to the fact that I hadn't consumed anything for at least twenty-four hours, aside from the food I had with my dose.  As the wave of nausea passed, I heard the sound from T's iHome as he made his way down the slope.  To me, it sounded like I was hearing the music through water or in the confines of a cave covered in moss.  T sat near me and i manged to tell him that I was very nauseated before shutting my eyes and breathing deeply to try to calm my stomach. 

R and S made their way over and joined us.  There wasn't any conversation that I can recall, as we were all entering our own little worlds.  I was feeling a little better at this point, so I laid on my back and the trip really began to intensify.  It was then that I noticed a split between my ego and my "self."  I felt something in my body violently resisting the trip, not wanting to depart from reality, but what was odd was I observed this happening.  "I" was completely calm, emotionless, and ready for whatever the trip had in store.  My mind conjured an image of a screaming version of myself, being pulled like a spirit from a body.  He shouted, "No!  I'm not ready for this!  No!" as I stood mutely and watched, not even slightly interested in his plight.  I was aware that my ego and I had completely split as the image of the screaming man faded from my mind's eye, and I departed from my body entirely. 

I saw a vision of a face with imperceptible features, that appeared in a shade of blue that I lack the language to describe.  It was intense and deep, but I was an emotionless observer, in the company of another just like me.  I lost track of all time; was I there for hours, days?  I had no thought, no emotion.  I only experienced.  I only, "was."  I "was" and without thought.  It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't anything at all!  I had discovered pure and unadulterated existence and it was (is) true reality.

Suddenly, I slammed back into my body, a wave of panic and nausea flowing over me again as my ego struggled to bring me back.  I sat up gasping for breath and S, T, and R, looked at me, obviously concerned.  I assured them that I was alright, stood up and walked down the beach once more.  My nausea had passed, and I felt myself getting higher STILL, and I became immensely tired.  I looked over my shoulder and T and R had began to throw a Frisbee around.  I marveled at the fact that they still had that kind of coordination, and concluded that I must be experiencing the most intense trip out of all of us.  I was absolutely exhausted and I stretched out near the water.  I put my hat over my eyes and stared into the darkness, as smoke began to swirl.  I was once again the emotionless observer, as the smoke swirled into dim representations of what must plague my ego.  I saw my girlfriend standing with another man, I saw myself with many other beautiful women, I saw a large house, and a car, and various instantiations of things that normally would affect me emotionally, but I observed and understood that the things which plague my ego need not plague me.  All of the things that we think are important in life, are really not "life" at all.  As I came back to a more conscious state, I realized that my eyes had been closed, and I may have fallen asleep.  It became my goal at that moment to subdue my ego in my everyday existence to the fullest extent possible.  I sat up and looked back up the beach toward my friends, who were in the same position as I remembered them before I fell asleep; what felt like hours to me must have only been a few minutes.

On a whim, I reached into my bag and munched another stalk from my remaining mushrooms.  I wanted to return to that dream-land to learn more.  I walked over to the group and chatted for a minute before I headed back down this beach.  I was still peaking, and it was difficult to walk, not because I was loosing coordination, but because each step I took was so immensely pleasurable that I could barely stand it.  I laid down once more, this time a little too close to a patch of washed up seaweed, and not a minute later, I felt the flies and sand fleas beginning to bite my arms and legs.  My first reaction was to move, but then I realized that I could ignore the bites and ascend once more, and I did.  I entered a dark void, the bites becoming less and less noticeable, until I floated in a dark void, simply existing.  Again, I have no idea how long I was there in "real" time, but when I came back, I was being bitten all over my insects.  I was amazed that I could have been inwardly focused enough to ignore the bites! 

I spent some time walking up and down the beach, entering the "dream state" and encountering visions and experiencing what it is like "to be."  After some time of doing this, I felt the trip leveling off, so I headed back to the bottom of the hill where S, R, and T were sitting once again.  We talked for a while, and then I became hysterical with laughter.  We joked and laughed uncontrollably to the point where were were nearly crying.  By this time, the sun had begun to set, so we made the difficult trek up the hill back to the dune, made all the more difficult by the fact that we would all enter uncontrollable bouts of laughter with the slightest provocation.  Eventually, T and I made it to the top, and S and R chose to watch the sunset on the ridge.  I suddenly felt myself come down a level or so, and for about ten minutes, I thought my trip was over!  When R and S reached the peak, however, it was getting dark and I felt my trip pick up again - very odd!  We were once again in hysterics at the top of the hill, laughing until our sides hurt and then laughing more and more.  When it was fully dark, we hiked back to the gazebo in the ravine and watched the stars come out.  It was amazing; I felt like I was on an alien planet.  We dubbed the gazebo our "magic school bus" and talked and laughed and admired our surroundings.  We commented on how great this batch of shrooms was and how much we were all enjoying the trip.  We also smoked a little, which brought me back up and gave me a profound sense of inner peace.  If there's something better than shrooming and watching the stars come out with your friends on a beach, then please tell me.  We hiked around in the dark and exited the ravine, and each dune we crested made it seem like we were explorers on some wonderful alien planet.  I had a wonderful sense of unity and oneness with everything around me. 

We hiked back to the grove where we first took our shrooms and spent some time climbing the trees and intently examining the bark of the tree.  We noticed the intricacies of the bark and the aphids, pillbugs, spiders, beetles, ants, and other small creatures that made this single tree its own functioning ecosystem.  By now, still feeling buzzed, our shroom trip was ending, so we headed back to camp.  Ravenously hungry, we cooked some food and ate.  We decided to do a small re-up, off of which I had a very mild second trip, and we took a quick hike to a nearby beach, climbed some rocks, listened to music and looked at the stars.  When we returned, T and I sat by the fire and talked before going to bed.  I had some great visuals and dreams that night and slept like a rock. 

To date, this has been my most powerful and amazing trip.  Ego death is something I'm very excited to experience again, and I'm considering upping my dose once more to extend my consciousness expanding endeavors.  As always, I feel centered, enlightened, empowered, and motivated by my trip. 

As always, hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!

- C         

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