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A Mescaline Induced Death and Rebirth

How Mescaline killed the old me and gave birth to a new me

October 7, 2012

It is now two days after my first mescaline trip and I feel more awakened than ever. I feel transformed, healed and aligned. I am renewed, refreshed, open, positive. Let's just say...I am everything that I'm not. The mescaline took me by surprise; I didn't know what was coming. I am an experienced psychonaut, but this was something new. 

On the morning of October 5, 2012 I ingested approximately 300 milligrams of mescaline hydro chloride. The taste was so incredibly bitter that it made me quiver in disgust. It took a little over an hour for the effects to start kicking in. As the visuals became increasingly intense I decided to depart from where I was at the time and get home as quickly as possible. 

As soon as I arrived back at my place I went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth. What should have taken two minutes in the bathroom instead took me about half an hour. I could not stop looking at my teeth, my face, my body and all my tattoos. I studied the human body. It seemed so peculiar to me. I asked myself, why is my consciousness bound by this organic structure? How can I break free from identifying with this body? Because it is surely not me. I pondered about these things for awhile.

After some time in the bathroom I left and went to go lay down in my bed. I did not turn on any music and I did not turn on any lights. I did not smoke any weed (which is something I normally do while tripping) and I did not get up from my bed for the entire duration of the trip. I spent the entire time meditating and I rarely opened my eyes. The closed eye visuals were by far the most amazing thing I had ever witnessed. I was caught in fractals, kaleidoscopes, webs, spirals, cubes and other complex geometric shapes and patterns. I WAS geometry. I was overwhelmed with awe and wonder as I realized how sacramental all of it was. I needed this more than anything. I felt like this was necessary for me because I had recently been neglecting the spiritual side of life for a more artificial, separated, negative type of thinking. As the awakening process began, I literally started crying. I cried tears of sorrow and tears of hope simultaneously. I was sad because the "old me" that I had started to identify with was dying. I was hopeful because I was realizing that a "new me" (a "better me") was beginning to manifest. However, the manifestation would not be complete until the end of the trip, so for now I just simply felt dead.

The energy in my room was getting darker. I opened my eyes in fear. I began to see cockroaches and other alien-like bugs crawling all over the walls. Cobwebs emerged as everything seemed to get dustier. I began to feel very old and disgusting. The darkness consumed my entire being. It completely broke me and I felt neglected, hated and worthless. Through all of this I realized that I was facing my own demons. I was witnessing myself from a third person perspective and I was desperately trying to tell myself that I am not supposed to live life this way. I screamed at myself. 

"You are bound by hatred and negativity. Break the chains, stop the cycle...don't let it be what you are anymore. DIE! Because only through death will you become alive again." 

As my being began to transform before my eyes a sense of joy showered upon me. Ancient tribal warriors and gods took over my field of vision; they were reflections of my new character. I realized that I have the ability to be anything that I want to be; I just needed to find what it was that I'm passionate about and pursue that from this moment forward. Not only would I pursue it, but I would pursue it in an uplifting and positive way. This would be my way of impacting the earth while I was still on it. Once again, just like with my other psychedelic experiences, a timeless sense of love for all things and a feeling of connectivity to all things took over me. 

To me mescaline is more entheogenic than LSD or psilocybin. In comparison to the other two it felt a lot more dreamy and spiritual. I was able to meditate very, very deeply and that was extremely beneficial to my health. I would definitely consume this substance again and I would recommend it to anyone seeking a healing experience. Overall I came out a more positive, spiritual, holistic individual and I believe that this type of thinking is something we desperately need as humans. Thank you for reading, peace and love.
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