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Life Changing

Brought me back to myself.

I had this trip about a month ago but haven't gotten around to writing it down entirely til now. It's gonna be a long one folks. Very personal. But I want to share it. 

I took 3 tabs of Barts prints. 

Back story was I was having a difficult time personally. Ive been battling some depression that I believe was there for the past 4 years from having my son. I had just ended my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 5 years, the father of my son. We were fighting entirely too much (got physical on both sides) and I thought it was for the best. I knew I was one of the main problems. He only wanted me to be happy and I couldn't make it. Im the main supporter with a crap job and finances were stressful and with my depression it ended up being too much. I was a zombie and unhappy. And making everyone else unhappy. So I decided, since mushrooms helped me before. Tripping again would help me now. 

So I wait until everyone goes to sleep. I told my ex that I was doing a trip tonight just so he would know. I clean and make things comfortable and it's around 1pm by the time I take 2 hits and start up my playlist. Then about 30-45min later I take the last hit. Visuals kick in. Im seeing fireworks and trees, flowers growing out of the walls. I only have the computer screen and blank television light on. Purple light starts pouring out of it, swirling to the ceiling. I start drawing into my sketchbook, the visuals were coming too fast but I got into this rhythm of tracing them onto my paper. Looking now, it looks like crap. Hahaha After about an hour and half of drawing I sit back and listen to my music watching the ceiling screen. I start tripping harder. I keep blinking slowly trying to regain focus but keep seeing.... myself. Im above myself looking at myself in my lap. And I start to bend forward trying to look closer... watching myself from above. And I end up flipping over in the air just... somersaulting into myself repeating over and over... and watching myself doing this. Physically I was just looking down into my lap. Many times coming back "for air" because I was actually suffocating myself in my blanket on my lap looking into it... Not that bad really. But I definitely thought I was under water. 

Then things get more intense. It might have just been the song. And I start feeling sick. I start un-focusing on everything and I can't see straight and Im telling myself I fucked up. That I threw away everything that I ever wanted. I fucked it up. Im selfish and deserve shit. I end up on the floor on my hands and knees. Trying to grasp something. After my brain keeps beating myself up I grasp some understanding that it's just myself. And I start laughing and crying at the same time like usual. But things start looking darker. And they start to spin. There's cords everywhere it seems! Like an ocean of electrical cords. I end up kicking them away and crawling on the couch. I keep falling into myself from above again. Then I feel like Ive taken way too much. So I wake up my ex. He's pissed at me. Im pissed at me. I try to tell him anything but it's highly un-coherent. He's worried about it but can't do anything. We both know I have to ride it out. He tells me to get him again if I get scared. I promise him I would. 

Im on the couch again, laying down listening to music. Trying to find a good song to calm down to. Ceiling screen again. Lots of trees and fireworks on my ceiling. Vines of purple cascading out into the corners. I feel suffocated again and take out the earplugs and gasp for air, like I was under water in the music. Holding my breath and finally breathing when I take them out. Then I feel like a vacuum... Something is pushing and squishing me. And I start to panic more and more. "Don't panic. Panic. Don't panic. Panic." My head feels like it's about to burst. I yank my earphones out and hold my temples, I start thinking Ive fucked up my life, fucked up theirs. I feel ugly and unloved. I end up started to stream tears and I look up at the light ( I had turned it on after waking up my ex). I put my headphones back in and Pink Martini "Hold on Little Tomato" has just started on my playlist. (The only one with words. Everything else was ambiance haha) and the light starts shimmering... In white light diamonds. Twirling, expanding and moving to the music and around the light. Im feeling more squished and all of a sudden Im pulled through. I feel like Ive been pushed through a needle hole. Im in the light. And it looks like inside of a womb. And Im exploded with white light all around. My brother shows up with my ex and son. They're all so happy. They're telling me that they're happy I finally made it. That Im home. And they fly away. Then my friend  is there as well.. He's meditating in white robes. And his eyes are closed but he's smiling and a yellow white light it coming from his third eye. He soon flies away as well. And last is my other friend. I see him on the bench and hear birds chirping in the background. Remembering a conversation with him on the phone where he was watching the sunset and I heard the birds through the phone. 

But then I am in front of myself. And we're talking. Not entirely sure what I said to myself makes any sense. But I ask myself "We're getting really bored of this aren't we?" And I just nod at myself and then smile and feel like I embrace myself. Standing in this womb. I show myself a pipe. Its cut in half and bent upwards on itself. I already understand that it's what's inside of me. Something is broken. My other me turns into my brother. And he bends the pipe to connect together again and wraps something around it like a bandaid. 

I exhale and am back on the couch looking at the light again. I take off the headphones and look at the time. It's nearly 6am. The light it coming in through the blinds and I hear birds chirping. I start to smile and laugh.. And honestly think "Man... women, man.... Those shroomery guys were right. Women and they're craziness." Hahah I feel like Im light. Im happy. Something has changed inside me. Everything gets brighter. But it always is while tripping anyway haha. But I get excited. I listen to more music, and end up going into the room and laying with my ex. I lay behind him and hold him. I hold him so tight. And I start to cry. We just lay there spooning for awhile. Unspoken but understanding, slightly confused. Eventually my son wakes up next to us and I want to touch and hold him to. Like I haven't this whole time. 

My son ends up getting up and wanders out of the room. Me and my ex are looking at each other. He looks like shit. I know I look like shit. But I feel like Im to blame. I beat the shit out of him emotionally. I did this to us. I see a tree again. But it's my family. And I stunted it because I was sad. Not that I meant to, I just couldn't move past and it affected everything. I see the tree and there's nothing blocking it to get water and grow. 

We talk alot, very intimate. Pour our souls and hearts out to each other. We make out. Touch each other and hold each other tight for who knows how long. My son comes in the room, he wants something to eat so I want to get it for him, Im always at work so I hardly get to. I end up deciding on apple jacks, take absolutely FOREVER to get it in the bowl with milk and slowly bring it to my son while he watches cartoons. He's pleased as punch. :) I go back to lay down again and get grossed out by the cereal. (We lacked money that month and just got a bunch of cheap stuff for food.) Promise to get better nutrition, no exceptions. 

I start seeing after effect visuals... Astrology symbols moving like clockwork. I see my destiny. My pattern moves into my boyfriend, we are supposed to be together. I plan on trying to draw this up what it looks like. It's absolutely amazing. I start walking around following the symbols... I see my sun moon and asc, all intertwining circles into each other. With bigger connecting circles into my boyfriends astrology map. It blinks a path to him. And blinks to the direction to my son in the other room. All symmetrical and along spherical paths. I don't have my glasses on so I start to squint and hold one eye closed at a time. Just mesmerized by the outcome. We start talking again, eventually kissing and end up making love. Like how we used to make before our son. 

We start laughing and talking about psychedelics and he's always so into it. He's ends up standing in the doorway in his boxers, with this grin and looks sideways while talking about the properties and the like. His passion. The sun shines behind him while I look up at him and the astrology glyphs are still floating around. And I squint and see him as Hermes. Hahah (he's a gemini, mercury, so Hermes.) I start laughing and squinting harder while he talks. He ends up with a golden hat with wings and gold boxers with high tops on with tiny little wings. The sun shining behind him gives him a glowing essence. 

We end up talking about my depression, how I feel like I've woken up, what we promise to do for ourselves and our family. I let him sleep. I play with our son. We're so happy. I see the damage I've caused him being sad. I feel like a terrible person, a terrible girlfriend and mother. I play and kiss and hug on my son until he rolls his eyes. Eventually I get too exhausted and eventually get some sleep after waking up my boyfriend. 

So far, everything has been smooth sailing in my life. I will never regret this trip. I feel like it kicked my ass all over the place, and eventually got it back into shape. There's still personal problems that I'm dealing with. But none with a hint of depression. Maybe depressing though haha 

Just wanted to share and thanks if anyone actually read through this entirely. I plan on tripping again soon. :) <3

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