Warning... I'm about to redefine a long report but I wrote it like this because I really want people to be able to read a report that describes a complete ego loss in this much detail and learn from what I went through.
Good evening everyone. I have wanted to write this trip report about my first time experiencing my first ego death on shrooms for a while but I just recently moved back from college in California back to my home in Maryland to take a leave of absence to get my grades up in a local community college and I have been somewhat busy. I finally though have some time and I wanted to write this report of the literally most powerful trip I have ever been on, the only time I actually have to say that I have gotten in over my head but this trip also gave me the utmost respect for mushrooms which I previously had preferred acid over. I still can't believe the power of psilocybin and what a true level 5 trip experience, or an ego death is actual like. This story is very long but it is because I want to describe an ego death in as much detail as possible so it makes sense for people who have never even touched drugs. Let me give you a bit of background on my experience.
I started experimenting with drugs late in high school and by my first year of college, my drugs that I had tried included LSD well over 30 times, morning glory, cocaine, salvia 50X, weed of course, alcohol a few times, a weekend of experimenting with duster, ecstasy including rolls laced with 2-ci, pure crystal molly, moon rocks, kratom, adderall, Ritalin, vicodin, oxy, morphine, kava kava, pure 2-ce, k2, and more. Basically, I considered myself a veteran in the realm of drugs but I had a fascination with hallucinogens that outweighed any of the others. In Maryland, I developed a sense of invincibility due to my experience with LSD because I had gotten to the point where I could take almost ten or so hits and still be able to drive my car completely fine. I would brag to my friends about the amounts that I could tolerate and their endless amazement of my stories of the huge amounts of drugs that I could handle further inflated my false sense of security. I at the same time though liked to think of myself as very humble when it came to drugs. Before I ever tried a new drug, I would spend weeks researching it, reading everything I could on it, and especially looking up bad trips so I could learn from them and prevent them. My methods were to go into a powerful trip with the cold facts about the drug so that I could realize at any point even in the deepest parts of my trip that it was a drug and this particular effect is because of the (insert property of LSD) that causes that effect and I was fine.
I began to develop a problem though when using psychedelic drugs. I hung out with friends who had remarkably low tolerances to drugs. They were the kinds of people who would take one average hit out of a bong of weed and be so smacked they couldn't interact on a normal level with sober people without arousing suspicion. I laughed at them a lot for this because I was able to tell stories of when I ate dinner with my parents while tripping on three tabs of acid and was fine, or the time that I went on a school field trip to the Capitol building in DC on 5 tabs and the security didn't even notice. The bad part of this friend group though was that when they would take the smallest amounts of acid, like one tab of average acid, not close to the 190 mg drops of liquid acid I would do, and describe to me the most fantastic open eye visuals, audio distortions, and life changing experiences. This frustrated me because whenever I would do rather high amounts of acid, I would feel insane buzzes and have crazy thoughts and wavering in my vision but I felt like I never came close to seeing the true magic of these drugs as my low tolerance friends had described. I would take higher amounts of acid and spend the entire trip almost trying to prove to myself that I was fucked up like my friends. A few times I began to enter the though loop known as ego death where I would begin to realize that I could not logically exist and I would have thoughts of nothing that I have ever learned mattered because it is all some sort of illusion of perfect synchronicity that we lived in that we saw because some higher power wanted us to see it at a exact moment in time. I would emerge from these trips fascinated but I still had a nagging disappointment of not seeing my couch grow legs and walk around the room. Boy was I naive...
This brings us to the shroom part. I had done shrooms three times in my life throughout high school. The first time, I was scared as shit because I hadn't done acid or anything yet and I split 3.5 grams of dry shrooms with my friend. I didn't feel much besides a body high and some highly silly thoughts that I realized were complete nonsense the next day. The second time I did shrooms, I did an eigth to myself but they were very weak shrooms, these tiny brown caps, that literally made me feel like I smoked a lot of weed. Needless to say, I was very disappointed in shrooms up to this point and almost kind of dismissed them as a less powerful LSD. I got offered shrooms a few times after that but would always turn them down to get acid instead. After my senior year, I headed out to California to go to college. I was right on the boarder of Los Angeles and I developed an even higher tolerance to drugs there. After a while of using acid up there, our supply from Bolder Colorado dried up and we were told that we would have to wait a few months for more.
One day, one of my friends said that he might be getting a bag of really powerful shrooms in the next week. He asked me if I had ever taken shrooms before and I kinda laughed and told him about the two shitty times I had been on them and had not felt much at all. I told him that I much preferred LSD over shrooms and I told him something along the lines of "Shrooms are like acid for beginners, you don't get wavering of acid or the mental loops because shrooms are not nearly as powerful as acid." I remember that my friend (a experienced shroom tripper) literally looked at me like I had turned down sex with Olivia Wilde. I basically told him about all of my experience and how I had driven on 9 hits of LSD. He kinda laughed like he expected me to finish the joke but when he saw I was serious he told me that the shrooms that he was getting were so powerful that I would not be able to talk and that I wouldn't be able to lift the key to my ignition, let alone drive. I was kinda speechless and a week later, I bought 3.5 grams of the shrooms.
I ate them all on a somewhat empty stomach. It took me much longer to come up then LSD but it definitely was as strong. I remember I couldn't stop smiling and I just kept thinking to myself how good the body high felt. It still wasn't very visual for me. I had wicked close eye visuals but for me, that was nowhere near enough. I became determined that I was going to take enough shrooms to ensure that there was no chance that I didn't have the mythical level 5 trip that I had chased for so many years. All of these times, I felt that I was on the verge of breaking through to some part of my mind that had not yet been explored, kinda like finding that new trench in the pacific ocean that hadn't been explored and discovering life and processes that were not even considered as possible before.
One of the most intriguing things to me that I had read about shrooms was how convinced people were that there were dying or dead. I was uterally confused how a completely logical person who knew about the drug like me could become so convinced that they had died. I read another errowid report that fascinated me. It was a trip report where the person had taken 18 mg of 2c-e and had written very logically about their ego death as it happened. The part that was most interesting to me was how he made the transition from enjoying himself to thinking he had died. He literally started talking about music then he just typed "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! I HAVE NO BASE! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING! CHRIST MAKE IT STOP!" After he came down, he was completely shaken and he said he truly believed that he would have not emerged from that experience alive if he had given in to the drug. The idea of an ego death to me sounded like something that I really wanted to experience because I was determined that I would be able to have one but still have a logical mind and know I wasn't dying so I could enjoy the visuals and feeling. I almost didn't believe in the concept of a bad trip. I believed that the more you took, the more powerful the feeling was and a bad trip was caused by not being prepared and knowing your shit about the drug. I though you could take almost an endless amount and still be completely fine if you knew it was just an effect of the drug psilocybin. I had no idea how terrifying and life changing losing your ego was.
So, now that that is all out of the way, here is my report of my trip on 9 grams of psilocybin Cubensi, described in the most logical way to try to make a person who doesn't understand the horrifying power of shrooms realize what psilocybin can really do to your mind.
The first mistake I made the morning that I decided to have my trip was not weighing out the amount of shrooms before I ate them all. The person I bought them from was a good friend and I paid him for 7 grams but he hooked me up with 9 to be nice. I didn't realize this though. These shrooms were huge with beautiful golden caps that were trippy to look at. I made sure that I didn't eat anything the day before and all I planned to eat was a small rice crispy treat while I ate the shrooms because my method is to put each cap in my mouth and chew for a while before swallowing. I got in my car and drove to a 7-11 while eating all of the stems first. I remember that I had to break them up a bunch because they were so big, they kept getting caught in my throat. At the 7-11 I bought a water and I ate the rest of the stems in my bag as well as 3 caps. Each cap was one gram. I drove back to my school and parked my car. I got out and I began to feel the effects of the mushrooms. I remember of vagley thinking that I was in for an amazing day because I had never come up within 45 minutes on shrooms before. I stopped eating them at this point because I began to feel the expected nausea and I didn't want to throw up. All that was left was the biggest cap which I though was a gram. I learned later that it was a 2.3 gram cap.
I walked to my friends house who sold me the shrooms off campus and he and about 4 guys that he shared the house with were just relaxing outside, smoking a bong with a few beers. I joined them for a while and then my friend that sold me the shrooms, Ill call him M asked me how many I had eaten. I smiled and pulled the bag out of my pocket and when he saw that there was only one cap left, he literally chocked on his beer and spit it out. M asked me very concerned "Are you fucking crazy?"
At this point, I did probably the most bravado stunt ever. I was convinced that I was going to be fine and that I wasn't like the other kids who flipped out on shrooms. I responded to M's "Are you fucking crazy?" by saying "Not yet." I then popped the 2.3 gram cap into my mouth and swallowed. "Now I'm crazy!" I informed him.
The other 4 kids though I was some sort of god or something and I was loving every minute of it. M remained very concerned though and kept asking me if I was still alright. I began to have wavering in my vision similar to high doses of acid and I was grinning ear to ear thinking that I can't believe how lucky I am to be on this amount of shrooms. The body high kept growing and I started to feel really goofy. My legs began to feel somewhat like jello. It was a really cool feeling and I was watching Comedy Central and having the time of my life. I became further convinced of my invincibility when my Dad called me and I took the call and talked to him for 10 minutes without being suspicious. After the call my friends told me I must not be human if I could talk that soberly on this amount of shrooms. I pretty much felt the same way and I left his house feeling on top of the world.
It was about 3 in the afternoon on a Saturday so I called two of my friends to meet up and smoke on this bluff that overlooked most of Los Angeles. It was a spectacular view and I had tripped on acid up here many times. The campus police also never came up here so it was a sort of safe spot to relax and smoke on campus. I meet my two friends in front of my dorm and by this point, I was starting to trip really hard. I was chain smoking cigarettes like I did on acid and everything I looked at started to look really saturated in color. I remember thinking there is no way that these trees are this color when I'm sober. Everything started to look more and more like a cartoon. Ill call my two friends J and R. J was one of my best friends on campus who I hung out with and smoked with daily. R was another close friend who was quite the funny character. He always talked almost three times as fast as a normal person and he would literally be talking about three different things that happened to him at once, cutting back in forth between stories and making his chatter impossible to follow. I usually laughed at it but today, I kept laughing and couldn't seem to stop. Everything my two friends did seemed like they had no idea of what they were doing. They would ask if a particular bench was chill to smoke on and I would reply harshly by saying things like "Are you stupid? Haha. The campus police can see us if they looked between those two trees about a half mile away! You really don't know how to do this do you buddy?"
I kept cracking up because it seemed like everything was so simple but my friends just didn't seem to understand simple logic. I was having fun at first but then I began to get more and more angry at my two friends. We were sitting on the bluff and they were having a hard time lighting a joint and they kept suggesting we move. I kept getting madder and madder at the incompetence of my friends, not being deliberately mean to them but definitely harsh. Every sentence they started to say sounded condescending to me. It would literally hear one of them say "If we move to that bench over there then the wind won't blow out the jay, unless it is windy over there so we should stay here." or "I can smoke again in an hour, I just have some homework to do that will take about two hours so well meet up again in an hour unless I can't and then Ill let you know." This started to really get on my nerves because I was thinking that these two people were idiots and I was almost embarrassed to be hanging out with people who where this stupid. (Keep in mind these were two of my best and closest friends) After ages it seemed, they finally got the jay lit and we passed it around. Whenever I trip, I like to have a plan for what I'm going to be doing into the night so that I don't ever run into a situation where there is nothing to do and I'm tripping balls in my dorm alone. The confusion that my friends had put me into started to make me think that I didn't have a good enough plan and was not prepared. I still was in good spirits though but by this time, I had stopped really talking because I started to experience visuals that no word in any language could describe and so I didn't even try to talk. I just was sitting there staring over the city hitting the jay.
The city began to waver a bunch and I remember I couldn't find the huge Mormon temple that is incredibly easy to see. At this point, I was tripping as hard as any acid I had ever taken. I remember the moment I realized that I was in for a trip that was way out of the league of what I have even engaged in before. I was rubbing my legs because it had started to cool down as the sun set and for a second, I saw this tiny completely clear spider on my thigh. I quickly hit my thigh and brushed it off. My friends asked me what the hell I had just hit myself for and I told them I though there was a spider on my leg. I remember my heart skipped a beat when I realized that I had just had my first open eye visual. I could describe the spider to a tee but it wasn't there, but I had seen it! It had to be there! I then took a deep breath, remembered the amount of mushrooms I had taken and slowed my breathing.
At this point I began to get very paranoid and started to have the strangest feelings that there were people all around me. I would hear a voices coming from the main area of the campus which must have been at least a football field's length away from the area where I was and it would sound like these people were right behind me. I started to look behind me constantly. There was nobody there but it literally sounded like a crowd of people were about to walk up to us in my mind. There had to be people coming! I knew that there weren't but I couldn't shake the feeling that there were people, hiding just outside my field of vision, waiting for me to do something wrong so they could inform the police. I dismissed these thoughts but they inflated my concern due to the amount of concentration it took to calm down.
Me and my friends began the five minute walk from the bluff back to our dorms and by this part, I was starting to experience feeling that I had never felt before. I remember walking onto this 50 foot patch of grass to get to the path and in my mind, it seemed like I was walking and literally not moving anywhere. It seemed like it took me almost ten minutes to walk 50 steps. I was still joking with my friends but I had started to become more serious myself as I recognized how powerful the trip was becoming. I smoked a cigarette with J outside the dorm and I just remember that I couldn't get a sentence out. I literally started to lose my ability to string together words in a sentence. As I was smoking my cigarette, my friend reminded me that I had told him that I needed to stop by the registration center to pick up a paper (my leave of absence form) but at the time, I couldn't even begin to remember what I was supposed to get and then I realized that I was in no shape to be talking to people. I remember I looked over at a tree and it looked completely fake. It looked like it was plastic with geometric cartoon shapes making up the branches. I remember I had a sudden moment where I realized that I had never tripped this hard and I turned to J and managed to say "Dude... Iv.. I've never tripped this hard."
He laughed but by this point, I didn't. The power of these shrooms was starting to make me think that I had gotten in over my head. I forced that though out of my mind as fast as I could so I didn't start having negative thought loops because I knew I was reaching that point. I also started to think my friend was being a jackass for laughing at me because he was sober and he had no idea that I was literally losing myself in front of him. I kept asking him if I looked okay because I was sure that anyone would be able to look at me and know that I was on shrooms. He said I looked fine, just confused by everything. I remember thinking he way lying to make me feel better and I was like "Really? My pupils have to be huge! I'm tripping so hard!" J said they were normal and I didn't believe him.
I told him that I had to go up to my dorm before I attracted attention to myself and I told him to come up with me because I was starting to become very afraid of what would happen it I wasn't hanging out with a sober person. We both went to my dorm room and I just got on my laptop. I was watching videos of Shaq and they were cracking me up to see such a monstrous person. My friend was literally just sitting in a chair in the middle of the room staring. I offered him a hit out of my bubbler which he took. I couldn't stand up to walk over to the bubbler I was tripping so hard. I began to feel like I was holding J against his will in my room. I kept apologizing to him and he kept reassuring me that I wasn't doing anything wrong and to stop apologizing but I was convinced that I had done something wrong and he was just being nice and pretending he didn't mind. Soon, the only two sentences I could say were "I'm sorry mam" and "I just don't know what to say." because I was tripping so hard. I began to have auditory hallucinogens along with the massive wavering in my vision and color distortion. Sounds with the highest pitch I could imagine and the lowest pitch I could imagine would seemingly come out of nowhere and then get louder and louder and LOUDER AND LOUDER and then they would slowly fade. At this point, I still wasn't freaked out. I was simply in awe of what was happening. Eventually my friend left the room and he said he would meet up with me later.
As soon as the door closed and I was alone, I tried to go back to watching basketball videos but I started to lose the ability to read English. The youtube screen looked like Mandarin to me and when I got a video to play, I quickly got anxious for some reason then shut it off. This was the point that I began to worry. I had never felt before that I had not been in complete control of myself on hallucinogens. I realized that the drug was getting a lot stronger due to the huge 2.3 gram cap I ate almost an hour after I ate the 6.5 grams of other shrooms and it was quickly getting stronger even though I could imagine how it could possibly get stronger. I still wasn't near the point of thinking I was dying by I though I was about to break through and see where the Rabbit Hole has been trying to lead me all of these years. I went over to my laptop and put on 1921 by the Who from Tommy. The song started and I leaned against my wall sitting on my bed.
This is when it went from mind blowing to the scariest hours of my life....
Thinking back, I'm trying to figure out what event occurred that suddenly changed my mood because the transition between being in awe and the horrifying realization that I had taken way to many shrooms to possibly come out of this alive happened so fast, it felt like someone flicked a fucking switch! At the time, this is the best way I can describe how it went from amazing to terrifying. When 1921 started, I leaned against my wall and it literally felt like I was lying down even though I was propped up at almost a 90 degree angle against my wall. I then looked up saw the roof two inches from my face when it was a solid 12 feet away and my door which was about 6 feet away looked like it was a football field away from me. I started to panic because I realized that I couldn't tell the difference between laying down and sitting up. At this point also, the auditory hallucinogens became overwhelming. My window was open and I heard an airplane going overhead and the sound reverberated in such an alien pitch in my head that I almost covered my ears. I had never heard such an alien sound before in my life. I began to hear voices coming from everywhere (I was in a college dorm full of kids) but it seemed like they were all discussing plans of how to break down my door and turn me in.
By this point, I had started sweating realizing how much of an idiot I had been to take this much and it felt like I suddenly passed a point of no return where I knew I had taken to many shrooms to ever return to my normal life again. I still had the faintest idea that I had taken shrooms and I struggled for some fact that I knew about psilocybin and the drug that would calm me down but for the first time in my life, the sense of dread that I had taken to many completely overpowered my logical mind. I knew that I wasn't going to come out of this trip. I was had such an insane body buzz, I somehow couldn't get my shirt off. It felt like it was an endless piece of fabric. I kept taking my phone and wallet out of my pockets to make sure I didn't loose them but soon, my pockets began to so deep, I would shove my whole arm into them and not feel the bottom. I started to shake because I knew that I was over my head and I was loosing my sense of self very fast. I started to really panic when I would try to play a song and it would look like the timer wasn't going anywhere and the song never ended. I realized I had completely lost my concept of time.
I grabbed my laptop and looked at the clock. It read 5:59 PM. I though to myself "My good! I've been sitting here for an hour but its still 5:59 PM." The Tommy soundtrack got to the song Christmas and that was when I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't shake my overwhelming sense of dead. I looked in my Itunes TV show library for anything positive, ANTHING. I soon found that I couldn't work my computer anymore. The visuals were so intense that I couldn't tell what was real or not and especially not how far away from something I was. It seemed like an hour when I looked at the clock again. It read 5:59 PM. At this point I jumped of my bed. I took of my pants because I couldn't feel my legs and I though I was lying on the floor even though I was standing. I was in a complete panic because I was convinced that time had stopped moving, therefore I could never logically finish my trip and come down if time is I'm frozen at 5:59 Pm forever. I desperately looked out my window but it looked like a completely foreign and alien world of light and shapes. It felt like looking through a wormhole to a place that I had never imagined, more fantastic and advanced then any society we had any concept of. I looked at my hands and they looked like they had reptilian scales on them and there were these huge pulsing blue and purple veins in my hand. I grabbed my head and thought of how stupid I was for doing this.
Suddenly I passed the point where I became convinced that I was dying. I was pacing around the room and I suddenly had a horrible thought: "When was the last time I took a breath of air?!" I thought about it and realized in a dead panic that I could not remember the last time I inhaled air. I though "JESUS CHRIST! IM FUCKING SUFFOCATING!" I started to desperately suck in air, allowing about 5 seconds to pass between each breath since that was how I normally remember breathing. Now that I look back, this happened because I was so cut off from any of my senses, I became aware that the involuntary action of breathing had suddenly stopped on its own and I was suddenly completely on my own to manually take each breath. This was literally the most horrifying moment of my life. I couldn't remember the last time I had taken a breath and I was sucking in as much air as I could but I couldn't feel my heartbeat or pulse at all. I realized to my absolute terror that since I couldn't remember when I stopped involuntarily breathing, I must have died before I was ever aware that I wasn't breathing. I concluded completely logically that the reason I wasn't in horrendous pain is because I was no longer alive. It was so simple!
I kept sucking in breaths, determined to bring myself back even though I knew it wouldn't help. I took all of my clothes off because that seemed normal and and just stood. I felt one of the most humbling feelings I have ever felt, like I was some worthless animal that had somehow integrated into society. I had my hands on my head praying that I would have another chance at life. I felt the urge to pee really bad and I felt that I couldn't hold it so I grabbed a rag, to afraid to walk around and started peeing into it. I couldn't tell when I was or wasn't peeing which terrified me. When I pulled the rag away it looked like it was covered in blood and I concluded that my kidneys must have failed.I knew that this was the end and I was way to young to die! After pacing for about 30 minutes, I lied down on my bed drenched in sweat.
I felt like I had lost the battle to live, I had stopped breathing and suffocated and that explained my complete lack of any sense now. I closed my eyes, ready to give in and meet my maker. I closed my eyes and saw nothing but bright blinding light. I opened my eyes and it got darker and I soon realized that I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed anymore. I felt absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. I lost my concept of the idea of pain and I was hitting myself in the chest to just see if I could feel ANYTHING. Being completely cut off from your senses is terrifying. I felt like I was watching myself lying dead on my bed in a vivid out of body experience.
I remember there was this one lull where I realized I still had my phone in my pocket. Still making sure I sucked in deep breathes every few seconds, just in case I wasn't dead, I scrambled to call my Dad one last time and tell him how sorry I was that I had killed myself in such a foolish way. I felt such guilt that I had literally caused the end of my life with my drug experimenting and everyone who I loved would have to face that. This thought brought overwhelming grief over me. I dropped my phone because I couldn't hold it a few seconds later and was back into the loop of thinking I had definitely died. After a while I felt like I had to get up from my bed. I realized that I had to call for help but then my first moment of having logic returned and I realized this action would have caused me to go to jail when there was nothing physically wrong with me. This prevented me from calling 911 but I soon slipped back into the though loop that I was dead. The next time I started to regain my head again, I felt my whole body for signs or damage and I just sat still to make sure I didn't hurt myself because jumping out a window seemed as reasonable a thought as walking around at the time. It was in these moments that a person would actually do something to hurt themselves because they are so lost in a internal struggle for life, that the very real damage they can do to their bodies is completely lost to them. (About a month later, my Dad told me that one of his friends was killed after he jumped off a advertising billboard and snapped his spine)
Eventually I decided that I had to get out of my room. I remembered that I always wen't outside when I was having a bad trip. I stumbled across the room, still struggling to breathe and threw on a shirt. I pulled on pants and fell towards the door but I wouldn't let myself leave because I was tripping so hard, I couldn't tell if I had put on clothes in real life or just in my delusion. I was convinced I was going to walk outside naked and that the clothes I was wearing weren't real. Eventually I though fuck it and left. I was wearing clothes but my shirt was inside out. I was on the third floor of my dorm and it literally seemed like I waked down over 100 flights of stairs. It felt like I was jogging down the fucking Empire state building. I had the sense of moving but not going anywhere again. I eventually reached the door and stumbled outside.
I was so completely consumed by everything, I felt like I had been dropped on an alien planet. I became aware of other beings moving around in my peripheral vision, other students. Every student looked exactly the same to me. I couldn't tell the difference between boys or girls. Everyone who walked by looked exactly like everyone else with the same faceless expression. I walked around my dorm over and over muttering to myself and clenching my hands but it felt like I was standing still. Even looking back now, I can't believe that a drug can distort your perception as much as psilocybin can. I was shivering uncontrollably and I tried to zip up my jacket but I couldn't lean over to grab my zipper without falling over sideways. I somehow found my bike but my sense of balance was so deluded that I tried to get on my bike but I kept tipping over sideways because I was convinced that I was tipped over when I was riding straight. At this point, I was in this limbo of thinking that I was dead and had already moved on and was some sort of ghost trying to pretend that he had never died (think of the Sixth Sense) and having brief moments where I would start to realize I hadn't died and was alive but I would slip right back and stay there.
I soon realized that I was dead and was not meant to ride a bike so I literally just dropped my 350 dollar bike in the middle of my campus and walked off. At this point, the realization that I was not dead faded away and I began to just walk around the campus without even thinking. I figured that I was in limbo, doomed to walk the earth for all eternity. In reality I was walking towards the center of my campus because I was bitterly cold and I was heading towards the garden on my campus that still was sunny before the sunset. I had no recollection of walking there to stay warm though when I was actually going through it. I was 100 percent sure I was dead and the bone numbing cold I felt was a result of the fact that my heart was no longer beating.
I literally looked at students walking past me and was thinking that I was going to have the cops called on me any second because I was literally a corpse walking through campus. I figured I must look worse then the dead bodies at the morgue and I could still not tell if I had clothes on or if I was just so gone that I imagined putting them on in a delusion. I was walking down a 50 foot path that led to a staircase, facing the chapel with the sun just about to dip below the horizon. I still saw every student as a student which surprised me now because I figured if my senses were so far gone that I though I was dead, I figured I would be seeing students as monsters and not even human. They still all looked like people, just sexless, faceless, and mindless drones that resembled a colony of ants, mindlessly marching to another task. If I was tripping less hard, I'm sure I would have been tearing my hair out with paranoia, sure that everyone knew I was on shrooms but I was so gone, I wasn't even paranoid, just concerned that students would be traumatized by watching a the corpse of the friend who had died an hour or ten ago walk by them. I was stuck in this endless though cycle and then I started to panic again because I felt like I had been walking for a good three or four hours but I had still not covered 20 of the 50 feet to the staircase. I reached into my pocket, moved my arm into it until I was literally almost into my pants pocket up to my shoulder and grabbed my phone from somewhere around my feet. I took my phone out of my pocket and the time read 5:59 PM.
At this point, I think I sat down on a bench and just buried my head in my hands. I knew that I would never emerge from this experience and just felt gut wrenching guilt for what I knew I had put my family and all of my friends through. I remember just praying that if I had another chance at life, I would never take drugs again and I hit myself in my face constantly while yelling at myself "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Around this time, I looked up and saw my bike about an inch away from my face. Later, I would learn that my friend saw my bike lying in the middle of the campus and rode it around until he found me where he dropped it off. He said I was sitting there looking uterally confused at everything and trying to light a cigarette by the middle. He took my wallet and key out of my pocket and held onto them because he knew that I was seriously fucked up and would kill myself If I managed to get to my car with my keys. He brought me the bike so I could get back to my dorm. He said I didn't say a word to him the whole time. I really don't deserve the friends that were looking after me today and I can't thank them enough for taking my keys because the next thing I knew, I had become so cold, the only thing that I wanted to do was go to my car so I could turn the heater on. That was seriously my train of though. I'm going to go to my car not to drive, but so I can turn the heater on and not freeze. Now, I'm sure I would have driven off the second I got into my car without a care in the world because I though I was dead. I am literally trembling as I'm writing this sentence because there is no way that I would have not killed innocent people and myself if I had driven off in my car. I was just so out of my mind and body that I literally would have though climbing into my car and driving off through downtown LA was as logical as taking the next step while I was walking.
I climbed on my bike and tried to ride to my car. It took me a good 30 minutes or real time to make the 5 minute ride to my car on a bike. I kept trying to ride up walls because I felt that I was sideways when I was straight up, and straight up when I was sideways. The loss of sense on psilocybin is literally enough to make you try to ride a bicycle up a wall over and over because your convinced that you are crashing because you are not sideways on the wall. I will take the time to mention that I still felt like I had to take every breath for myself at this point and it was still just as terrifying. It just had become somewhat ordinary by this point. Looking back I knew this was when I had broken out of the terrifying ego death though loop and was starting to come down because I was starting to breathe by myself again.
I still was completely gone but I was starting to realize that maybe...just maybe if I didn't cause extreme bodily harm to myself in the next hour or so, I could emerge from this trip alive. At this point, I realized my wallet and keys to my car were missing so I began walking back to my dorm, leaving my bike sitting by my car because when you are just realizing that you might not die, the monetary value of your possessions doesn't even cross your mind. I don't remember when this happened in the time line but at one point before my ego loss and before my friend left my room, I remember literally taking my bag of top notch Cali medical bud (70 dollars an eigth) and trying to just give it to my friend as a favor because I though he was pissed at me for doing something wrong. I still had my phone though because my friend had left it with me so I could still call for help in case I got into real trouble. I used it to call my friend J. It took me about 5 minutes of scrolling though my phone before I even got to my contact list and I had to hold the phone an inch from my face to read it because any farther and the writing may as well have been hieroglyphics. I called my friend eventually and he answered the phone perfectly normally and I remember being so confused at why he could be so calm when I was literally fighting for my fucking life!
I don't remember a word I said to him but he told me that I had called him a complete wreck, in tears and he described my tone of voice as sounding like I literally watched my parents be killed in front of me, completely lifeless. The only part I remember is literally almost demanding that he meet me in front of the dorm for a cigarette. I started the five minute walk back to the dorm and this is when my sense of time started to return. I got back to my dorm and realized that I had told my friend that it would take me an hour to walk back when I still had no concept of time. I called him back and ten minutes later he met me for a cigarette. I literally felt like my mind had been blown when he walked out. He smiled at me and asked he how the trip was and I remember looking at him like he was a terrorist. I tried to fumble for words, anything to describe to him the earth shattering experience that I had just gone through but I could even start a sentence. I realized that there was no way that I could ever describe to someone what I just went though. I remember hugging him crying that I was so happy to be alive, and I had no recollection of taking drugs or being on a "trip." All it felt like to me was that I had just literally pulled myself out of the ninth circle of hell and that I had just emerged from a near death experience.
I began to get very angry at J because he kept laughing and joking about how hard I was tripping and asking me how it was and staring at me. "What was I? A fucking animal in a zoo?" I started getting furious to the point of almost walking to punch J for laughing and making jokes about the situation when I had literally just gone through such a fucking horrifying and mind bending experience that I had tried to call my dad and tell him goodbye because I was so sure I was dead.
Eventually he left and I just started to calm down and walk around while trying to make some sense of the experience I had just gone through. I remembered that whenever I was tripping on acid, I was able to make complete logical sense of where my trip had gone, what caused certain thoughts, and provoked certain action. This time, I literally was just at a loss for an explanation. I was still easily at a level 4 trip and was in no way sober, I just realized that I hadn't died basically. The visuals were still so intense that I could tell a tree from a can of soda and I had to basically sit down to not get lost. I couldn't see any explanation for the past three hours that were literally a blur to me. I was still shaking hard from thinking I had died. I spent a good two hours sitting there and just trying to explain the experience I just went through to myself and as I started to come down more, I began to make connections.
After reading everything I just described about my actions and thoughts while tripping, it might be hard to remember that I was a hardened psychonaut with years of experience who spend hours reading and learning about the chemicals and their effects on the brain and one of my hobbies was making logical sense out of every illogical thing that I had experienced. This is where my trip eventually subsided to the level of simply being the hardest I've ever tripped before in my life in the past. Think about what I just typed. After six hours of tripping and at least two hours after realizing I wasn't dead, I was still tripping at least a 3 level with vivid open eye visuals and audio visuals but compared to where I was at, this seemed like being sober. This is when I began to realize what I had learned.
I have said it before and I will keep saying it, the feeling that you have died while under the effects of psilocybin is so intense, convincing, and overpowering, that I was still shaking two hours later when I thought about the horrible moment where I realized I couldn't breathe and entered into the though loop of thinking I had died. It is a truly overwhelming, panic inducing, and engulfing feeling and I absolutely fucking promise you that no matter how hardcore you think your tolerance is for hallucinogens, you would be just as scared and convinced you were dead as I was. There is no making sense out of it, no beating the feeling with a cool head and logic, just the terrible realization that you have died and the realization that this is why shrooms are so dangerous and this how people get into so much trouble on them. I've heard that a lot of people simply black out at the point where I started to enter the ego death though loop and wake up in the hospital with people telling them that they attacked police in their manic delusion and ended up in the hospital. I know exactly how this would happen as the literal panic sets in and last rational thought disappear that it could get so overwhelming and horrifying that the brain literally shuts down. Because of my experience with hallucinogens, I'm convinced that is why this didn't happen to me. I'm not sure its a good thing that it didn't because when you are conscious, you literally live every second as an eternity thinking you are dead and it seems like it is obvious it will never stop because the time hasn't moved past 5:59 for three hours and if time doesn't move, then the psilocybin will never stop working. This is the most sense I can describe the time loss and living every second as an eternity feelings. The feeling that had convinced me so surely that I had died I figured out the cause of later that same day. It was a result of being so removed from my senses, especially the horrible feeling of not being able to breathe, that I realized that I must have died since none of my senses or internal organs were functioning. That's why it was so scary because I realized so clearly that I had no pulse, no heart beat, no nothing that the only logical conclusion was that I was dead and it was so terrifying because you know that there is no mistake, your dead because you took the shrooms and now they have stopped your heart. Also, I literally thank god that I didn't do horrific damage to my body. I think that I have finally realized the true danger of hallucinogens. It is not dangerous because of the addictive potential or the physical harm it does to your body such as with tobacco, it is dangerous because psilocybin cuts you off from your senses so much and takes away your ability to logically think to such a degree that the real danger is the damage you do to yourself. Nothing that I went through during this did anything to cause me physical pain, mental pain HELL YEAH, but physical no. However, I still thank god that I wasn't physically hurt because I was so close a few times. I almost jumped out a window, almost sliced up my legs with a knife, and almost smashed my head through a wall, all because I was feeling such a hopeless nothingness that I felt desperate that I needed to do something to just feel some sort of sense. It makes no sense to a sober person but while tripping that hard, the thought of walking out a door and the thought of literally slicing into my leg with a knife and pulling out the muscles to tie around my neck for clothes seemed like the same though to me. I am so lucky that I was experienced enough to stop myself from slicing myself up because I literally was seconds away from doing it. God damn I had a close call. It comes down to literally stopping yourself before you shove the knife into your leg and realizing that this action will have brutal consequences later. The same thing goes for getting yourself into legal trouble. Half of the time while I was expiringing ego death, I was trying to call the police or an ambulance to save me. If I wasn't tripping so hard that I couldn't use a phone, I would have definitely been arrested and probably would have gotten assault on a police officer charges because when you are convinced you are dead, the thought of consequences literally doesn't mean SHIT and you could get into so much horrible, trouble that you would be able to wake up the next day and come back from. If I had driven, I would have killed someone and literally torn their life as well as my life apart and I would literally have probably killed myself if the next day I realized that I killed a family because of my stupidity. Second, I could have woken up the next day in jail with a crushing sentence for things that I had no control over or ability to stop myself from doing. I literally thank god every day for the sense that I had to not hurt myself or others. This is not nearly as serious but another danger is really pissing off people around you without realizing it at all. I never did anything really wrong but before I was by myself when my mind was starting to wonder, I started to really turn against my friends because I though they were really stupid for not having the mental capacity I had and not being able to solve simple problems. I was able to control myself but I really could have started being harsh to my friends to the point where they would have probably wanted to kick my ass if I had not separated myself from them. Hanging out with people while on a small amount of shrooms is fine but as soon as you take over 3.5 grams or so, hanging out with sober people is a really bad idea. First because of the fact that you will be a dick to them and second because it is a really frustrating experience of having friends talking normally around you about school and family stuff while your tripping. I would get really pissed and almost want to yell "SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING CLASSES! I JUST HAD THE MOST TERRIFYING EXPIRIENCE OF MY LIFE AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR STUPID FUCKING CLASSES!" I just could not fathom how these idiots would just literally stop my manic rambling about what I had been though because they were more interested in how someone had failed a test. Basically, hanging out with sober people who are not tripping with you is just asking for a bad trip. Trust me.
This about concludes my report. I wanted to write this to warn people about the power of shrooms and psilocybin. This trip literally was the most sobering and terrifying experience of my life and I am in no way trying to brag but a person without the experience that I had would have definitely been arrested or hurt themselves. Psilocybin is nothing to fuck around with. I literally have more respect for mushrooms then any other drug now. The only drugs that I believe that can fuck you up more are Salvia which I don't really count due to its bizarre and unique nature and DMT. Don't quote me because I'm sure enough Ketamine, 2-CE, etc could achieve the same effects but your playing with fire. Also, even though this trip sounds horrible, I would in no way call it a bad trip. It was something that I was asking for and I sure as hell got it. The next day, I literally bought four or five books on mushrooms as well as spore syringes and a microscope so I can study this incredible drug more. I not how 12 cakes of the very same type of mushroom growing in my closet and I am just waiting for my next privilege to get to explore the incredible world of psilocybin.