yet another mystical trip

Hi.
First of all I have to say that sharing my experiences with people I don't know doesn't come easy. Is not my thing, in general. So if this is going to sound weird awkward, stupid, silly, crazy, feel free to ignore it. If it rings a bell for anyone, please let me know. Those still reading might already know that I had one of 'those' trips. It might turn in a long read, so if you have some time and some interest, get a coffee/beer/whatever and check on it.

I am going to get over the beginning of the usual trip with nice lights, colors, hearing colors, smelling music, whatever. I know that's synesthesia and isn't unusual in mind altering conditions (as ingesting magic mushrooms).

At some point I was laying in bed and felt like I was asleep. Everyone told me is impossible to sleep on shrooms, but still, I was feeling sleepy. So I closed my eyes to rest. You know when you first discovered that mushrooms don't make only the outside world look super-good, but the world behind your closed eyes is supercool too? Well, that's what I've discovered then. And then I started to hear voices. Like whispers. Multiple whispers. I have talked to myself before (not loud, in my head - when taking decisions, thinking, weighting the pros and cons) so I very well know how my inner voice sounds like. This wasn't it. But I was decided to let go and just observe what's going on, so I was thinking oh, so this is how voices in your head sound like. I've seen a beautiful mind, or know about Joanna D'arc, and we all knew that some pl hear voices and that's some insanity involved, but I could never before imagine how that really is. I mean how do u end up thinking that voice in your head is not yours, is someone else's. For someone who didn't experience that, I still don't know how to explain so they completely understand how that feels or how come that you know. Those who had that happening to them, know what I'm talking about.

I couldn't understand what they were saying, was just like I could hear people talking next to me. Wasn't even a feeling that they were talking to me, I was just having fun discovering how hearing voices feels like, same time knowing that I ate the magic shrooms and the effects last 4-5 hours. So why not just enjoy the experience? Is important to mention that in all this time my eyes were closed and I was having visuals like going through a multicolor tunnel, with patterns and symbols and all that stuff that are hard to describe but any psychonaut knows. At some point I've noticed it has been a while since I've last time been aware that I have a psychical body. When I've noticed that, I kind of searched for it, trying to feel it (not by touching/pinching, just trying to be conscious of it). Then was when the voices started to get louder and making some sense somehow, even if was still some unknown language. It was the feeling of death, and some of you know it. If you don't try to hang on your known reality and yr body, the feeling is that you die. I remember I was thinking if death feels like this, then I understand why those that pass don't try to hang on or stay here when ppl around them scream 'don't go, stay with me, don't close yr eyes, etc.' Dying doesn't feel bad, if it is how I felt it then. But... I love life, so I kind of got scared that this might be it and I wasn't ready. So I started to try and feel my body, to convince myself I am still here. I somehow pulled myself out of there. At the end of this episode, the feeling was that all the others who were with me that day and ate mushrooms with me already knew what happened to me, it happened to them too, and is useless to even say it to anyone, because we all know it already. I am well aware that it might sound a little paranoid, but my feeling was they all knew about that world, about how to get there, about those ppl whispering and now was my turn to learn about it, just no one told me before about it because everyone has to find their own way to get there (like some kind of baptizing in a new world or something). So I went around, enjoying the open eyes visuals, sensations, etc., talking to the others, tasting things. At some point I found myself alone with my brother on a hallway and I asked him what's with those ppl, are they real? do they really talk to us, r they really here? he was on his own trip so was hard for him to relate to what I was talking about. He just asked what ppl, and I said these ppl I've talking to just now. He said yes, we r all here, we ate shrooms and wander around, but we r all in our own trip, so if people don't pay attention is ok, let them be and find yr own entertainment. I've realized he was talking about our friends who were indeed there and high. So I went to talk to the sitter (we call it shaman, as a joke) and ask him. But in the end I've only told him that earlier I was afraid I was dying and he should check on me from time to time to see if I am still breathing. He told me there have been no reported cases of ppl dying on mushrooms, that the effect lasts a few hours then you are back, that even if your mind wanders around, your body knows to stay here and all you have to do is be aware that you are on drugs and yr mind is altered, let go and enjoy. I once again asked him to check on me from time to time to see if I am alive, he said yes, and that was all I needed to hear.

I went back to my bed, same spot, same position as the first time, felt sleepy again, went very fast through that tunnel I've seen before, lost my body and woke up in a different world ( I call it like this because I have no better words for it, but is more like another dimension, a non-world, a no space/time defined existence). Trying to relate to our known reality, in an attempt to explain it better, it felt like i woke up on a bed and there were people/entities all around me, waiting for me to wake up. It felt like all this world was a dream and I woke up in my real world, I knew it well and I was just confused at first. It also felt like there were others like me there waking up, I just couldn't see or hear them, was just a very strong feeling I am not the only one going through that there and then. And the entities were behaving almost like nurses showing  lot of interest for these confused ppl waking up. I had no body, they had no body, I couldn't see anything resembling our reality here, I just knew I am home and I am being welcomed. Then there were some flashes of images, sounds, stuff (this is really very hard to explain so I won't even try, but was like all those were put in my head) and at some point I said oh, yes, RIO! (please trust me when I say that in recent times before that I didn't see a movie, read a book, article, watch youtube, talk about or anything related to rio. it just came from nowhere, wasn't in the 'conversation' before). from that point I started to understand everything the entities were talking. It was like they have searched for a language to speak to me, or teach me how to communicate there, and that Rio thing was to check if we understand each other. At this point the voices were no voices anymore, was pure information, I could think what they were thinking and vice versa. language was like an old fashioned concept.

I will still use 'say' and 'hear' for the story, because I don't know any other words to describe that kind of communication. So.. I could hear them saying I think she's awake and she can understand us already. are you with us? yes, says me. and it felt like they were very happy for this and were waiting for this moment. was like someone waited for me in an airport with a tag with my name on it and i finally arrived. so now they had to take me to my destination after giving me the place's dictionary or something.

So they took me to another level (how or when is very hard to explain, we just got there) and there were others I had to talk to. From here it started to be like a lesson
The nice entities from the beginning vanished and I was facing some other very serious entities who had things to tell me. I later described the feeling like talking to God, but that is too deep to even approach it. Let's just say I was in front of some of us who knew more than me and were willing to share some of their knowledge.

At that point I had a body feeling (remember I had no body since a while now), like my body was getting relly really heavy and changed from my horizontal bed position in a vertical position, because it felt like lead. It somehow felt like a whole wh ich went down and entered a special slot made for it (like being plugged in an outlet or a key in a door or u name it) but I knew the slot is in earth. That was my body's place. I've asked why are you doing this to me? U made me go through all that lose my body experience, to alllow me come here free and light, why are you now giving me this weight and bury me with it? Then they spoke, I can't explain how I understood what they were saying or how they were talking very well. I saw ashes flying over the world, ravens, fires, all kind of stuff (you know is hard to explain logic). and while witnessing those images, they were saying you've been trying since ever to escape your place in the world, you've incinerated your bodies, you sent them on the water, u suspended them in the air, you keep trying to escape earth. You are living on a planet with gravity, and you will end as part of the earth no matter what you try. ashes will fall on the ground, body will fall on the bottom of waters, ravens will turn in earth, your bodies will end up in their place. but it doesn't matter, is not important, is not who you are, you are just trying to make it important.

Lesson learned. No body again. Just the very strong feeling of unity and belonging to the whole. (It felt like I was some blood cell unaware that is part from a whole untill then, but now I've got to talk to the neurons and they are explaining me. The other cells I knew before were as stupid as me, unaware we are all part of the same whole, even if separate parts - this is the closest comparison that comes to mind, trying to explain the feeling).

Next lesson: I was put at the edge of the whole, connected with it, part of it, but could still feel myself in it, there was still some sensation of self. outside was the nothigness. Being the nothigness, is impossible to describe it. I can only say it was endless, and I could see and feel at unimaginable distance. Then they said that this is how it is to be aware of yr spot in the whole. and every thought, action, thing that you do, has an effect in the whole. Try to understand on your own. So I vibrated (in lack of a better word, I'll  call it vibration. in fact was just slightly changing my status, making a wave). Far far away , the wave I've created made a piece of the whole break and fall out. It wasn't close to me, was like at the other end of the universe, but me being aware of the whole, I could feel it and see it (even if it was minuscule) like would have been a part of me. We all know that everything we do has an effect. But in general we see it different than how I felt it then. We just know, we are not really aware of it or of it's magnitude. So I've learned that any harm brought by me to anything around me it is going to harm me too, because everything around me it is in fact the other part of the whole to which I belong. One can think that but still not fully understand the meaning. Is something you have to feel, not think. I confess that even if I felt it so strong then, since I've came back to this reality, this idea is again just a concept I believe to be true, but it isn't something that I feel anymore. I don't feel how I affect the whole more than what I can see or perceive with my human senses. Hard to explain, so better let's get over it.

Lesson 3: How come they are so close to us, part of us, always in contact and we have no idea? Why am I allowed to peak in there? These and other similar questions were in my head at that time and they knew, so they said people do get in this kind of contact all the time with them. They are sending messages to us all the time, in our reality. And we are not completely deaf to them, but we create stories to spread the messages. Greats like Jesus or Buddha or Mohamed succeeded to bring the message in an understandable form and spread it.  Each time the story had to fit the world in which it was sent. The world has changed and is time for a new story, the world is less receptive to metaphors and threats and it needs a new believable story to spread the message. The humanity in our reality understands more now and it should be treated accordingly. 'great' I was thinking. ' do you have something in mind?'. They didn't seem to be bothered by my half sarcastic thinking, so they answered. There are others that know. You all have to connect with each other and make the message heard. The new story, spreading it, is up to you. You are part of your world and you know what you have to do, even if you are not aware of it.

All this would seem of great importance and one would believe I'd show great interest to it. But I am only human, I have my own problems and at that time they somehow took over.

I have a young baby and he was in my mind this whole time. At some point I've got the courage to speak for myself and ask. (courage not because of fear, but because I've been overwhelmed from the beginning). I thought that if I've been given this chance to be face to face with these ....evolved parts of us?...then maybe I could ask something for myself (the human way of thinking, no?). So I said  I am well aware that what I've learned today seems like a lot to me but probably is tiny compared to the big knowledge, so I still don't understand how everything works, what the greater plan is, why things happen as they happen, why we still believe there are coincidences because we can't see the greater picture, etc. Please see what I am going to say as what it really is, a request made by a mortal with limited understanding.  Please, I have this baby. I love him. Allow me as much time as possible with him, allow me to watch him growing, allow me to guide him in our world. I don't know which the plan with us is, but if is different than what I am asking, please make an exception. (my only reason for this exception being that I am there talking to them and I can ask face to face - even by human logic that's dumb, but us humans, we r dumb and think ilogic things like this). I am sure they knew the whole time what's in my mind, but when I finally said it, they acted like they were a little bothered but very understanding at the same time. Something like an adult who received a weird question from a child. He knows is stupid, but he also knows the child can't know better. They just told me I am probably not ready to understand, but here's a hint. It doesn't work like that. Your child is a concept. He doesn't really exist as your child. He is not yours, this is just your small way of perceiving things. He is part of the whole, he is part of you, so he is somehow you. You have been just his portal to your world. And death doesn't exist. Just the whole exists, in continous transformation. No one and nothing disappears. Everything is just transformed. See it like this. At his birth, it was a gap in the whole in your vicinity. It was filled with your baby. At another time there is another gap somewhere else, which needs to be filled. Something is taken from where is too much and transported to fill that gap. It is still going to be part of the whole, it will still be with you, just not so close to you in your idea of space and time. The way I am writing it now, I hope it makes sense for a reader. These are not the exact words, communication there is different, it comes with some words that I know, images, feelings, sensations from senses unknown to me. But all in all this was the idea they communicated. Then I completely understood. What I didn't understand and I had to ask, risking to look dumber and dumber was : so if this is how it works (and it seems of great logic), then why are we given such small minds? Why am I so attached to this piece of dirt whom I call my son and you call a concept, why do we suffer so much when someone is dying, why can't we feel them continuing to exist somewhere, all in all, why can't we be at least a little aware of what's going on? This question was the signal I am really not ready to talk to them, I am too connected to my human way of thinking, to my human logic and world, and I kind of was a waste of their time. Being stuck on this issue prevented me from being receptive to their teaching. So I've been told I will have to come back and if possible, less obsessed with our powerless condition and more open to what they have for me.

This whole conversation with these superior entities? was held in something like a bubble, suspended in time and space (what am I saying? there was no time or space there, but is the closest I can explain). When it was decided the conversation is over, I have been pushed out. Or the bubble started to vanish. I remember I wasn't done and I was trying to stay in, I still had something to say. So I was allowed to get back in and continue talking. Now I kept talking, asking, appologizing, getting angry, getting calm. They were answering, they seemed to have learned the common language better (before, the conversation was hard sometimes, like they were speaking with accent or in some dialect. I could understand, but none of us were fluent in this common language). At some point some of them started to agree with me and say yes, she has a point. which seemed weird, because before all of them were like one. was just an impression there were more than one, they weren't  speaking each for himself, they had a common voice/conscience. But this changed and they started to have different ideas. My best comparison would be good cop bad cop scenario. And that can't happen there, unless the whole thing is rigged. So I had this strong feeling these are not the same people I've been talking to before. and at that point I remembered how I was really pushed out from the bubble and in my way out of there, very fast, someone created something like a replica to that bubble and started to impersonate the entities I've been talking to before. When I realized that (or I think I did), the bubble vanished and the people I was talking to changed shape. everything was gray and like floating in nothingness, and these new entities were lost in there. They were like some kind of renegades of that world and their thing was to 'hi-jack' untrained people like me. Their purpose, I didn't get it. I could only feel they were suffering and their desire was to go back. So catching me and talking to me was like some moment of reliving what they were longing for. I thought about this many times, I still don't know what's the thing with those lost souls, but the feeling I had then was this. They didn't know how to go back, they were lost and like trying to lose others too. So I told them I don't know who you are or why you are here, I only think I know that you suffer. Maybe try to remember what brought you here and start from there. undo the harm done or something. You seem to try the wrong way, you seem to be persistent in being wrong or doing bad and I believe this is not the way. But of course, what did I know? Even then was somehow funny to me that I was giving them advice. Me, who knew nothing. I was just in that state of being good to everyone, trying to help,trying to understand and diminish the suffering of others. I knew I shouldn't be there, it might even be dangerous, but I wasn't afraid.

 Then something happened and I was back in the first place, the 'welcoming room' with the nice entities I've first met. Those are my favorite. They seem very friendly and patient with silly beings like us. I felt no shyness around them. I knew I was rejected earlier and was worried somehow, so I've asked if the 'big shots' are mad at me. (felt like asking an assistant if they think the professor liked my thesis or somth). They said don't worry, is your first conscious visit here, is normal. Isn't easy to be ready for this. Very few are. You did well. Hope to see you again. All this while going back through the tunnel, in the way out I assume. And me: I've been told to connect with the others. who are the others? there are others? is this even real? (of course the whole time I was living this experience I've asked myself many times is this real, is a dream, is mushrooms, is my mind ,a m I losing my minds?). To prove me is real and before I start this search for 'the others', could you name me one, please? Like give me an email of someone somewhere on the globe, someone who'd know what I am talking about when he/she'd be reading my email. This was very funny to them. With indulgence they said it doesn't work like this. But u can ask T. He's been here. He's been here talking to u and he remembers and never said a thing? (T. was our sitter. I've only met him that day when he brought us the shrooms and found out he'll be the sitter. Didn't talk much to him, my other friends knew him, but I didn't at all.) I again had that slight feeling of conspiracy paranoid thought that everyone knows this world and was my time to see it too. 'But this might not be good enough I said. I already know him. Now I am not sure u r real and everything I've learned here is real or I am just making it all up, like some nice brain story. It would have to be someone I don't know.' And their nice answer: ' but did u know T. before today? how did u get to know him?' I had no answer to this, seemed quite logic to me.

At this point or since a short time I could again feel our reality and hear things from the 'real world'. I heard my brother saying these bastards working outside are making such a noise, it ruins my trip. And I couldn't help but say 'there is no outside' (because I was in that ' there is no spoon' state of mind). In that very second, our sitter came running and said 'repeat what u've just said. did u say what I think u did?' I was still saying 'good bye, see u, take care' in the other dimension, so I told him to wait a sec, I know I have to talk to him, I've been told to talk to him, but have to leave there polite.

I am not some fanatic who wishes to believe in something, who took shrooms searching for a mystical experience. Was the first time for me and honestly I thought I will only have a good time, see colors, feel high and stuff. This came to me completely unexpected. So at the end I could very well enjoy the experience, think wow, human brain is something, it makes up such cool stories when u unleash it's fun side. But what makes me wonder is this part with talk to T. I indeed talked to him and he told me similar things he experienced. We both had the feeling of talking about common friends which we knew separate. My description fit his and the other way around. These first lessons they taught me, he knew them. Of course, the way 'they' would reveal anything to us is different for everyone, because as I told you before, they at first search for a common language. They talk to us in the easiest way for us to understand. Now this T. guy has experienced this more than once, he said that each time he goes back and it feels he just left, while there he remembers things that happened last time but he forgot when he turned back here. I didn't ask him more about it, because I was thinking if my mind did this, and he tells me his experiences, i might just create them next time. I've decided to just wait and see what is going to happen next on my own.

I also decided not to read anything related to this because it might pollute my next experiences (I believe that is possible while on shrooms, my brain to just put pieces of info together in a way it doesn't while sober, and therefore make it look surreal or supernatural). At the end of this experience I was overwhelmed, I admit that I wished there was more to shrooms than just colors and personal mind creations. I thought that is possible to achieve through shrooms what others achieve in years of serious meditation; I've seen them as a shuttle left here to be able to connect there. I did ask myself and also asked T. if he thinks we r losing our minds. He said he's been through this and decided he's not losing his minds.

So this was my first 'mystical' shrooms experience. There have been others since then, and all I can say(I didn't quite digest my last experience completely yet) is that now I kind of wish is just the mushrooms messing with my mind. Because since my last experience all I wish is to forget what I've learned there (in case any of it is true).

If anyone had the patience to go through all this long read (sorry, but I didn't know how to make it any shorter, all of it seemed important to me) and has anything to comment about it, you are welcomed. Good or bad, bring it on. In fact I have never read anything about mushrooms before, I had no idea about this site. But since I've got that command of ' share and connect with the others', I can't stop but wonder. I have conflicted feelings about this. If someone would respond to this and say 'I know what you are talking about', then it would have a chance to be real. But ... I don't know how ready I'd be for that. On the other hand, it would be sad somehow to go back to the world where there is no sign of divinity, just a world going in the wrong direction.

I forgot to mention, wasn't even a big dose. Just 3 grams of cubes and a lot of other high ppl around (who'd count as distractions)