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Simultaneous Weeping )-:# + laughter (-:# sorrowful joy...

2 Grams GTs

I have patiently waited for a month to find a good time and place to take my 2 dried grams.  My parents have just left for the weekend, my opportunity has arrived!  I've done mushrooms 5-6 times in the past and had good and bad experiences depending on the setting.  Now I have the house to myself (blinds shut, doors locked, phone turned off) and no responsibilities or expected company, so I blend up my magic with some oj and take it on an empty stomach at midnight. 

Fifteen minutes later I am getting a strong nervousness in my stomach and am starting to feel a little loopy.  I am surprised it is kicking in so quick, as five minutes later I am seeing intricate, rainbow kaleidoscopes everywhere. 

First thing I do is smoke some headband to really get the show going, and soon after I feel like I have taken just the right amount of mushrooms to get a strong experience without being too overwhelmed or stressed.  I cautiously fill a glass with ice and water to relieve my dry mouth, my eyes close and I drink as if for the first time with a loud, involuntary "Guaaaahhhhh!" 

Time has slowed down and my senses, thoughts and feelings fill my attention. I feel fuzzy, heavy and extremely lethargic.  At one point I decide punching keys on my computer playing Castlevania:SOTN is too much work.  This thought makes me laugh out hard, hysterical laughter.  Uncontrollable giggling like a child, I know I'm laughing like I never have.  The sound is funny and makes me crack up even more.  I'm taking deep breathes laughing, can't stop and it's making me cough. 

I feel absolutely positive about my decision to trip and I have a smile from ear to ear.  Get back to playing the game in front of me after a half an hour of being so entertained by my thoughts and visual distortions that I forget about my surroundings.  I take a look around first to confirm my privacy, I am all alone.  Get to the first enemy on the level, it's a zombie that shoots blood everywhere when u kill him.  I hit him with a sword super-quick style three times in a row, "bing! bwing! bwing!", each shot gives a life bonus and a funny sound.

I am again laughing uncontrollably, painful laughter, as I imitate the game sounds and hop around the screen hitting stuff.  The game is endlessly entertaining though I'm unable to get anywhere.  I get off as I promised myself not to sit in front of a tv or computer the whole night.  I crawl into bed after putting on side one of Dark Side of the Moon.  The lights are off, I have a heating pad on for my hurting back and neck, the stereo is on very low.  I'm having closed-eye visuals that seem to go along with the music.

I'm feeling the music differently than normal, feel as though it's touching me physically.  I focus my attention on some weird, colorful designs and they morph into even more complex dances.  My attention is turning from the music, to the sights, to simple yet profound introspection concerning my anxieties and passions. 

My back isn't hurting me as much as I had expected.  My head and jaw feel tight, as if I had too much caffeine or something. I feel pressure all over, but my pain isn't worse than normal.  I am feeling it in a strange way, it doesn't bother me as much.  I feel relieved that it isn't ruining my trip.  I had been worried about doing it because I've had surgery on my back this year and the pain is always killing me.  I'm in pain but decide that it's the same as always, a little worse from the excitement but not enough to ruin the moment.

I think about my back and how I haven't given myself enough slack for hanging in there.  I again realize how I have set my standards higher than I can reach.  I haven't felt good not being able to work as much and not being sure if I'll get better.  I start to realize that I have been happy even without being where i wanted to be, and I feel safer about how my life is going to be.  I consider many things that I usually keep out of my awareness as they cause me fear.  I come to grips with some of the things I don't want to admit and I feel grounded in what I am doing with my life.

This type of thinking and feeling continues for the next few hours.  I am crying and experiencing hurts from the past, hurts I haven't felt in a while, and releasing current pains that I haven't been able to cry about.  I feel deeply connected to them, I do not have to think about them they come on their own and posses me.  It feels true, powerful and helpful.  I also laugh and feel good about things I have overcome and delight at confusions no longer misunderstood. 

I feel all the way back to the issue at the center of all my fears and sorrows.  I feel insecure and unworthy, have been rejected or mistreated in the past.  Some of it from my family, that I now start to feel like I haven't in years.  It is not angry or anxious, it is sorrowful, forgiving...  I weep and remember things I pretended weren't still affecting me.  I feel a desire to amend everything broken and plan on reconnecting to those I have a conflict with.

Throughout this I am remembering things that cause me pain and stress and forgiving myself.  I feel more empathy towards myself as I feel this need to be loved and wanted stronger than I feel the need to breathe.  It is an aching, a pure yearning and tangible hurt.  I am laughing and joyful as I experience a lifetime of open wounds.  I think to myself, "so this is what it's like to experience sadness and happiness at the same time." 

I have seen people on drugs with angry laughter and other mixed emotions, usually scary and confusing, but this feels right and isn't weird or uncomfortable.  I have an exhausting but healing laughing, crying and thinking phase, where I take a hot bath, listen to music bouncing off the walls and influencing visuals, and sit up deep in thought about often hidden feelings that are sitting right in front of me.

I start to think about my ex girlfriends, how I still love them, how even after we broke up we hadn't stopped caring about each other, I think about breaking up with my last one and how much it hurt her.  I begin to regret breaking up with anyone, forget why I haven't talked to my ex and tried to get back together.  I feel like I used to five years ago and am fully in love with her again, miss her and am surprised I feel this way.

I want to call her right then and tell her i love her.  I consider marrying her and having kids, having everything i have ever wanted but didn't feel worthy of receiving.  It all seems possible and I know it is good.  Of course, I decide not to call anyone or do anything other than consider it and think about it again tomorrow.  I think to myself, "I wish all my ex's and I could be together!"  and this thought makes me laugh like crazy, I feel silly and love my train of thought.

Many other thoughts and feelings all went through my head, receiving my full attention and a willingness to experience.  Throughout it all the thought keeps coming to my head, "I am so grateful for this experience, I feel like it is helping me to be whole again."  I watch the sunrise as my visuals recede and my mind slows down.  The trip is ending but I'm not holding onto it.  I got what I came for, I have expressed enough joys, sorrows and feelings for me to ponder over for a long while.  The entire thing has been a wonderful experience and has given me more confidence in my decision to trip, I wish it could be done without scandal or hiding.

I fall asleep at 9 and don't wake up until 7 at night.  I have a slight headache but I feel refreshed and in touch with my fears.  I am ready to face them and continue to work on my self-esteem and perception about self worth concerning work and pain.  Instead of feeling like I did something irresponsible, I feel like I have done a wonderful thing for my mental and physical health.  Like I have been given a gift, a reminder about intense emotions hiding underneath my habitual, everyday consciousness.  I feel good about life and hopeful for the future...

Thanks for reading

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