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Far beyond what I expected

Fear of death and infinity



It was five years after my second trip on mexican mushrooms and the first time that i ate them dried and on empty stomach. I ate the whole package as sold in the store, I don't know how much grams they were but afterwards I was told that it should be enough for 2 people. Well, I only weigh 100 pounds and have no experience with any "harder" hallucinogen drugs.

My boyfriend was with me to keep an eye on me and we had settled on a remote grassland. It was a cloudy day. 

Then I sat and waited, a little excited but also fearing that nothing would happen. Approximately 45 minutes later I started noticing what I would call the usual changes, the colours of the trees and bushes were starting to become more intense and there was a special atmosphere, as if all the plants had come to a higher form of life. I was walking around watching everything and felt more than sorry for every blade of grass or insect I would unpreventable harm with every single step. Slowly, the hallucinations and the atmosphere were getting stronger and the trip got more intense. I told my boyfriend that my body was fighting the mushrooms inside of my conscience, because one moment I felt pretty normal and the next blink of an eye I experienced a different kind of reality. I was a little baffled and didn't really know what to do so I sat down again on our blanket.

The trip kept on getting more intense and from that point I can't put everything I remember in the right order. Anyway,I remember surprisingly few from this trip even from the rather smooth beginning. My boyfriend asked me why I was pulling out the grass in front of the blanket. I answered, I don't! (While I was doing it.) I recogniced it then and didn't understand why I hadn't noticed it earlier myself. I couldn't stop though and were soon lost in my thoughts again. What that was - I can't tell. 

A little later, maybe, I felt that I had "arrived" and was enjoying the new look of my surroundings. But still something was missing, although I didn't know what and I felt a little disappointed and bored. I thought, maybe this is what it means to grow up. So I began to think about what had changed and how I had to be completely responsible for myself from now on. It was a disillusioning but also purifying experience which is still around me today.

I said to my boyfriend "So this is where I was last time 5 years ago". He didn't know what I meant and answered "I thought you've never been here before." I tried to explain it to him but didn't really know how and zoned out again. Next thing I know is that I threw myself back and lay on the blanket, thinking about consciousness, reality and some great philosophers. I remember talking very much for a long time, but my boyfriend told me it wasn't that long.

After that there must have been a long time span that I can't recall at all, and suddenly - SNAP- it was like I had just woken up but I know that I hadn't been asleep. I felt something in my throat and coughed, then I had to puke. At that point, when I thought my trip was on its breaking point, the mushrooms began to really kick in.

All I could bear was "I don't feel well". I felt really bad and everything happening in my head was so loud... At the same time there was an aggravating silence, concentrating around me.I still felt sick but I had to lay down again. I didn't understand what was going on and felt like I needed help. I began to get scared. Next thing I know is that I had to puke again and felt a little glimpse of reality. I thought I was going to die and was really worried. I thought maybe it's just an error that these mushrooms don't kill anyone. I remembered those typical movie scenes when someone says to another person "Hold out!", hoping that their own will would keep the person from dying. I felt that I had no idea how to activate this force of my own will and that I had not the smallest chance on influencing if I stayed alive or not. It scared the hell out of me and I was thinking that I would never see my boyfriend again. I had to stay alive! 

I layed back again, still terrified. I told my boyfriend that I was afraid I was going to die and kept asking him about it over and over again. I was really close to telling him to call an ambulance. In between, the trip was going on, draging me away from reality. All I felt was an overwhelming fear, I didn't know at those times what I was afraid of, it was just the feeling that completely filled me. 

It was at that time that I completeley lost track of reality.Time and space were ridiculed, needless, nothing more than a rumor, a bad joke or a naive hope of a little child. "I" didn't exist anymore, there was only one thing which contained the universe or actually more and everything in it, down to the smallest imaginable particle. I felt all of it, there were no borders and no time, all I felt was infinity. At the same time everything/me seemed to move very fast in all different sorts of directions, which I couldn't explain to myself as there was no measurement possible.
At some point my boyfriend began to worry and undressed me because I was extremely hot and sweating. The sun had come out and was almost baking me. It also enhanced the trip a lot, which I unfortunately wasn't able to realise. I had severe breathing difficulties the next hours and glaring red spots on my chest. 

I asked my boyfriend to hand me over the Coke, which we had brought with us in case that I would need sugar to bring me back. I still felt sick when I got up, but I forced myself to drink it because this was my only hope. "I must drink it", I kept saying to myself, "no matter how". Then I began to wait. Nothing happened. "I want it to stop" I said again and again. I still was in panic and couldn't look at anything for it was all too much and too intense. "What is this stuff", I remember saying, "I will never eat mushrooms again!" When I said that I began to think, what if there is no "again". Maybe it is going to stay like this forever. To me this seemed pretty likely since I still didn't have any idea or definition of time. I forced myself to drink Coke again. This scenario repeated itself for hours.

Then I asked my boyfriend to lay down with me. I held on to him, the Coke in my arm. I felt a little saver but still there were huge floods of fear coming down on me from time to time. Slowly, just the way it had started, the trip began to fade out. I didn't have any normal feeling of my body for a long time after that and kept sitting on the blanket until my boyfriend insisted on going home. The sun was going down and it was getting cold.

Later this evening he asked me if I really didn't want to eat mushrooms anymore. I said "Well, at least not as much as today. Only half of this amount."

I really didn't have good time and I have to admit that I had had no idea of the intensity of a strong mushroom trip. Still, I feel that I have come a lot closer to myself and came to understand some important things about my psyche.

If I do mushrooms again, I'll make sure I am prepared to lose myself and meet me again.

Azarius
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