thought I ought to write this down while it's still fresh..
Last night I went to a psytrance halloween party thrown at a local student co-op, and I decided that it felt like the right place for my first trip-the setting was right-great music & friends around me, cool deco, lots of water nearby if I got thirsty, and a bathroom upstairs, and if I needed to get away from people I could go sit outside. My mindset was good too-nothing particularly bothering me, I was happy and around people who would'nt bum me out. So I enquired of a friend about getting some shrooms, and he connected me to this cool hippie guy who took me upstairs and gave me a whole handful-he did'nt measure with a scale, just grabbed some out of this mason jar and measured out a fistful, about 10 whole mushrooms, dried, for $10.
I went downstairs, got some water, and decided to take 3 caps. To my surprise, they did'nt taste that bad at all, a bit salty and earthy, but not unpleasant. I chewed and swallowed the 3 caps, washed it down with a little water, and went for a short jaunt outside to wait for it to happen. After about 30 or so minutes I got bored and went back to the dancefloor where the DJ was playing some really bass-heavy, thick, complex, dark psytrance.
After about an hour I started feeling warmer, and the sounds from the speakers sounded richer and fuller, and I felt less self-concious about how I was dancing. I never really liked dark psy before, but hearing it in this new light, I found that it's not really dark per say but really a release/cleansing rawness, like working out all of your bad energy and letting it go.
Then the first visuals came on. The room seemed to have been under the sea, everything pulsing and undulating slowly, the walls, the speakers, the floor. The people dancing gave off tracers and their movments seemed so fluid and ballet-like, and I was intrigued by their movements and my own.
I had to use the bathroom so I went upstairs, and as I got out this couple were having an argument on the stairway, and I was extremely hurt and upset by this because I saw that it was two people manifesting negative energy and malice, and not love. As I watched them, I saw black spirals coming out of them, and knew this was the dark, nasty evil energy that made them hate. I then stepped outside of that thought and saw them as two people who had forgotten how to love, and my anger turned to pity. I took a deep breath and sent them loving energy, which I saw as white spirals coming from my heart. It did'nt penetrate either of them, but that was okay.
I returned to the dancefloor and I could see everyone on the dancefloor had this white energy, this love energy-they were all glowing with it, and I saw many little white spirals here and there. As I danced I felt as if I was being washed clean of all my fear and negative attachments and petty illusions until I was a new being, a kinder, more honest, compassionate being.
As I walked outside and sat down, I was able to see things in my life and the mistaken ways that I'd viewed them. Like my bipolar disorder. I came to understand that the root of all my mania and depression, the ups and downs, were simply the chaos of creating a new direction in my life, that I was under construction so that I would emerge healthier, happier, and in a better more fufilling life. And I realized that I'm not "sick" or "mentally ill" but rather going through this transformation.
At the same time, I realized that this meant a complete change of behaviour and attitude if I was going to really manifest this new reality. No self-hatred, no more fear, no more blaming and hating other people for things in my life, and most importantly, the need to live with absolute honesty to myself and to others, born out of my true nature as love.
As I sat there, one of the co-op dogs came up to me, and I looked into it's eyes, and realized that we ought to be more like dogs-loving, protecting, open, friendly, non-pretentious. I saw the dog AS love, and I realized a very important thing about love-it's not something you have, give, or make, it is something you access..when you love someone, that person has taken you and plugged you in to the "network" of love, and when 2 people are in love, they are a circuit feeding the love through eachother. Hate works the same way, when you hate someone, they have connected you to that place where your negativity, your selfishness, your egoism comes from.
I come away from this experience feeling blessed and renewed, with a new outlook on where I want to go with my life and a new sense of love for myself and for all beings. I believe that the psychedelic experience is a beautiful, but very powerful thing, and if you go into it with the right mindset it can help you understand yourself and the world on a very profound level.