First, I have to mention that I do not drink, smoke or do drugs (other than caffeine) at all....well except mushrooms now I guess. I think this is important to this report because it means that I have basically no tolerances to anything built up in my system. I eat fairly clean....alternating between paleo style diets and total vegetarian and raw food (yes, weird I know). I do lots of yoga and meditate regularly.
Anyway, this story begins a few days ago when I read the original lemon tek thread. I see now that I had no comprehension of what was going to happen. I completely ignored the advice to use a <=1g dose the first time out. Instead, I mixed 2g of blue meanies with the juice of 2 lemons and let it
sit for 15 minutes. Then...down the hatch. Not a bad taste. I do not recommend this approach as an introduction (or re-introduction) to psychedelics. If I had known how...demanding?....these mushrooms would be I would not have done it.
Within 45 minutes, reality broke apart.
I will attempt to describe my experience but we all know that it is really impossible. I only hope that someone can identify with the things that happened to me. I am having a little trouble coping today but I am much better than this morning. It was just too much and I went too far too fast. Writing this is helping...
I remember lying on my yoga mat at the beginning of trip, riding it on a crystal clear blue sea of stars and watching my body break into particles of smoke as it was being pulled into a spiral galaxy (that had appeared beyond a portal that had opened up in what used to be my living room). This was when I was still in the "tripping balls" stage. I managed to text a friend that reality was breaking apart and that I would get back to him with a report the next day. I was actually excited at this point and feeling good. Needless to say, things got a little more intense shortly after.
As I was losing all grip on reality I remember saying "he warned everyone not to take too much. I need to get back to tell everyone to listen". I began to panic because the intensity was too much. I am not ashamed to admit it. It was too much. My stomach was churning and did not feel good at all! I had the thought that maybe I should try to throw up: "I've poisoned myself with mushrooms". But nothing would come out. The thought that I had poisoned myself was actually my only thread back to reality.
At this point I went into complete and total terror. There was no boundary between my mind and the world around me. It was as if I was in a world created by MC Escher and Dali. My brain and the world around me was one place. Imagine closing your eyes, but you have no eye lids. When the inside of your mind and the outside is the same place, there is nowhere to retreat. You can't just "take a break". I think this is what scared me. I kept repeating "too much, too much, too much" for what seemed like an eternity. I came to understand the gravity of my situation. Then "what? what? what?" I was trying to say "what the fuck???" because what I was experiencing was beyond ludicrous. I would crawl into one reality and then it would break away and I would find myself in another reality. Layer after layer. Inside the mind, outside the mind. No difference.
It was utterly insane, terrifying and magnificent.
I remember thinking "I am having a dream and the dream has leaked out". I think I might have been falling asleep and coming to, but I can't really say for sure. I can tell you things like "all of the light froze" but that is just one moment in an an infinite ocean of moments equally grand and incomprehensible. Time stood still. I felt emotions that don't really exist and felt impossible physical sensations...limbs growing together...parts of me turning to liquid. The geometry of my apartment ceased to exist.
On the other side of the terror I experienced what I can only describe as a complete understanding of Buddha nature, total ego loss. I understood that the concept of "me" does not end at my body. That my friends and family carry thoughts of me in their minds, and that in this way I am spread out around the universe influencing others. And the same is true of every sentient being! I came to understand that with this awareness I have a great responsibility to treat others with the utmost respect and understanding and compassion...because my actions and thoughts emanate outwards and affect the world. I experienced this as a true understanding of karma. I understood that we are all one.
I watched as my mind tried to latch on to past events where I had not behaved in the most skillful way....but I managed not to grasp on to those thoughts for long: "I am good! We are all good!" I truly experienced non-duality. The mountain on the horizon is me and I am the mountain....because nothing exists in isolation. Everything is connected and experienced in relation to something else. And without the "something else" there is no mind. There is no "me".
I cried and cried but not from sadness. More from understanding. If I can bring anything back from this and describe it in one word, that word would be "responsibility". I feel utterly committed to being a good citizen in this universe and lifting up everyone around me. I see now that I can help to build the universe and be a massive force for good. I see that I am not helpless to make the world a better place. And I understand that no matter how the world seems or how skewed my perspective gets (from reading the news I'm sure) there are others like me out there that want good. And that we will win.