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2C-E: Introspection, visuals, etc.
Last night at about 12:15 I snorted a small dot of 2C-E. I had gotten out a small amount (actual dosage completely unknown) and separated it into 3 smaller dots. This is how I usually do things' I know how much 2C-E on nostril can handle at a time, and I cap it there. So I did the first dot, then the second in the other nostril, then the third soon after that. At about 12:40 (T+0:25) I realized that I didn't even have any effects at all, and 25 minutes is plenty of time for it to kick in. So I got out a slightly larger amount (again, I won't even guess at the dose) and split it up into a couple piles, and I did all of them but one. I got distracted by something, can't remember what. But I eventually came back and did the last dot (at that point I did have visuals, in the form of tracers and patterns).
Some time between the first dose and the second dose I started playing Vampire Weekend's eponymous album over my stereo's speakers in my room. It was nostalgic... reminds me of days past, an old girlfriend, an old innocent me, etc. At the time of the second dose it was about T+1:00, and soon after that the album ended and I started their album Contra. I'm not a big Vampire Weekend fan or anything, it just caught my eye when I was scrolling through my iPod. During the duration of Contra, I went from fully clothed with a nice lamp on to completely naked and lit only by a blacklight in the corner of my room. When the song “White Sky” came on, I got out my White Sky t-shirt that I have (it's blue with circular lyrics) and I followed along on the shirt. Despite having owned that shirt for about eleven months, this was the first time I have ever actually read the lyrics on the shirt. (and also the first time I found the words that the singer was singing to be comprehensible in their entirety.) I felt that I actually knew what the lyricist was trying to convey when he wrote the lyrics. This sentiment followed me throughout the rest of the album. I also found myself frustrated at times at how often they repeated a chorus or a bridge. Such is the fate of pop-oriented music, I thought...
While the album was playing, I had fun with the visual presented to me. When I stared at the ceiling, what is normally a lightly terrained spackling (is that what it's called?) became a maze of dots with lots of contrast. The blacklight highlighted every edge and corner of each bump, and my mind took that detail and extended it even further. At times the light would seem to fade or get brighter momentarily, then back no normal again withing a second or two. If I took a step back, mentally, and I viewed the ceiling as a whole rather than focusing on detail, I would see the random patterns of dots rearrange themselves into patterns, both geometric and organic. I would see lines, patterns of curves, repeating shapes; or I would see faces, or busts, usually either skeletal or mysteriously bearded. But it was not as if the dots were actually moving to make these images; it seemed as if they had been in these places all along, and for some reason only now was I seeing it for what was actually there.
I also looked at myself, body-wise not self-wise. I decided that I needed to work out more, as I'm rather skinny (but by no means underweight). I saw no patterns of any sort on my body, which I found odd, because normally while on 2C-E I do. Also, I noticed that my pupils were absolutely huge. As usual, while tripping.
Then the album ended. I walked into my bathroom (clothed once more) and looked at myself in the darkness. Scary. I looked like a complete lunatic. Then I turned on the light and looked at myself. More normal. Pupils still grossly oversized, but that's not necessarily a bad-looking thing, I think. Also, I did see patterns on my face this time. Cat-like at first, then morphing into tribal patterns.
I also shut my eyes at one point, and I immediately saw this red CEV covering the top part of my vision. It was a texture, like a landscape, made up of many many different red threads which came forward and backwards at different times. The end effect was something between waving and a vortex, but instead of the vortex going away, it came out at me. When I opened my eyes (after being thoroughly amused and amazed by this CEV), my whole vision was tinted green (possibly to counteract all the red I had been seeing?). It took a good 15 seconds or so for this green tint to fade away.
Then I went into my kitchen to see what the boys on IRC were up to. I generally dislike using technology, whether desktop or handheld or TV or anything, while tripping, because I get absolutely no visuals of any sort on the screen. To me this is generally a downer, since it's like I' not even tripping, even though I could and should be. Nevertheless I got engaged in a conversation with two individuals. Told myself I wouldn't stay long. At that point it was about 2:00 AM, maybe 2:15 or even 2:30. I kept trying to express my thoughts, on life and drugs and other things, and the other guys expressed their thoughts on the subjects. It was a good conversation , positive at all times, perhaps not in subject matter but in mood. At one point I began thinking aloud (or thinking, via typing... whatever) about how “shit's fucked”. Shit's fucked how do people live when they realize all the shit's fucked? I could only see two answers, that either people don't realize that shit's fucked or they realize it but ignore it. At this point I had no visuals, since it was a computer screen, and it seemed like all the visuals had been transformed into mental clarity and concept-based thought. (This would happen even it had been having visuals, I think, but nevermind that.)
For a long time I stayed in the mindset of “shit's fucked”. I'm fucked, my girlfriend's fucked, my current situation in life's fucked, everything's fucked. But at least I realized that it was fucked. One of the guys recommended that I read “The Book: On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are” by Alan Watts, which I had actually heard mentioned just a few days before, and I had downloaded and read the intro of it, and it seemed like it could be very useful to me.
I was able to visualize things about my life and see them clearly, such as my depression (or lack thereof) and possible causes of it and possible solutions for it, my girlfriend (or, ex-girlfriend) and our relationship, and how I could see it causing problems in the future since we never properly broke things off, and we were currently in a sort of mix-up between best friends and boyfriend/girlfriend. Also lots of other things about my life in general. I can't really say much more about it, the specifics are either quite personal or quite uninteresting or both. At any rate, it was all very conceptual, advanced thinking. I felt a hint of connection with the archetypal philosopher, and I somewhat regretted that I am only ever really philosophical when I am tripping.
I also realized another thing, and that is how I perceive time. I realized that I see time as passing forward, always forward (which is how time really is). I look back at good times I had, and I think “wow, good times.” That's nostalgia. Then I think, I should do that again. And sometimes it's easy, like if the “good times” was having lunch with a friend, and tomorrow you can just all up the friend and say “let's have lunch.” But what if the friend has moved away, or died? All you have at that point is memories, all you have is nostalgia. And to me that's a very depressing concept. I almost cried when I typed it, and I summed it up with “and that's life “.
Eventually one guy logged off, and the other guy's Adderall wore off and he fell asleep or just stopped paying attention or something. I realized that it was already sunrise, already like 6 AM. At that point I heard my mom getting up to get some water, so I had to hastily turn off the screen and go lay on a couch and pretend that I had been asleep there all night. She eventually saw me and “woke me up” and told me to go get in my own bed (I guess this is what I get for living at home), which I did. By this time I was completely sober, or at least nearly completely sober.
I got into bed at maybe 6:30 (after going back to close that chat windows and such) and I was going to finally sleep. I realized how quiet and tranquil it was around me, with my room lit up by the sunrise. A voice inside my head (my voice, I believe) started saying, “Wow, the tranquility, the tranquility, tranquility, tranquility...” But after a couple repeats of the word “tranquility” it started to change from a soft peaceful voice to a harsh, raspy, zombie-like voice. I realized that this was not good, and I tried to stop it, but it just kept saying it. So I just let it happen. (at this point I am extremely sleep-deprived and I've been up for about 22 hours.) Then my imagination showed me a scene, on a background of complete black, in which I was walking and eventually was limping, then crawling, then completely still on the ground, and the whole time there was this group of 3 or 4 shadow-like figures whose forms seemed to be made out of just darkness, and they had shadowy claws and they were all saying in that same zombie voice, “tranquility, tranquility...” They were slowly walking towards me, and when I stopped moving they eventually got to me and just laid down on and around me, face down. This was completely delusional and was clearly just a sleep-deprivation-fueled imagination thing. Except it was really lucid and real, compared to similar experiences without 2C-E.
I eventually got to sleep. I woke up 4 hours later, took a caffeine pill, and I was fine. Introspective night indeed. Leaves me with much to think about...