An awe inspiring experience recounted through a diary I wrote while tripping
I'd like to share with you my life changing solo trip experience. As you will learn more about later, I developed an incredible relationship with the paper I had brought. This has aided me in recounting the experience and will hopefully offer a different insight to the mind of someone on shrooms. It's a long trip report but I hope you enjoy it.
I had tripped previously on mescaline and Salvia 40x so I wasn't completely inexperienced and had also smoked a lot of pot. The shrooms were home grown Cambodian P. Cubensis (Many thanks to shroomery for the growing guidance).Shortly after harvest I was eager to try them and I had a small blues festival coming up that I was going to so I thought it was an ideal opportunity to sample them. I was meant to be going with a friend but an argument meant that I was going on my own in the end. Worried about tripping alone, I posted up on Shroomery asking for some advice. I got mixed responses as to whether it was a good idea (I'm going to add some tips at the bottom of my report that I learnt from this experience for anyone thinking of tripping alone for the first time). Leading up to the trip I was becoming increasing introverted in my life,smoking pot a lot on my own, becoming worried about the direction of my life, and constantly thinking about tripping and psychedelia etc... I was also nervous about spending four days on my own at a festival, concerned that I may get lonely etc... It transpired that the relationship I developed with myself, my body, nature and all that is, left me not seeking human company anymore than I sought the company of a flower or a tree. Anyway I digress (I'm baked!) Set/setting
It was quite a small festival, maybe 600 people tops, largely ageing hippies. I decided to trip on the first day of a 4 day festival. It was raining for the drive there but it brightened up for my trip, beautiful blue sky. There was I light breeze. I set up my tent and had a chat with my neighbour-thought I better have someone I could go to if worst came to worst. Set my stuff up pronto, it was around 2pm. I set up a chair and made sure everything I would need, fags, bud, etc, was in a "manbag". I got the grapes out(I do love a good munch on grapes) and set up the kettle. After some research I'd decided on the lemon tea method of consumption. I took out about 2.5gs of dried mushrooms. In spite of it being quite a moderate dose, I think the lemon gave it a bit of a kick that pushed it into a level 3/4 trip, which suppose is not that common for a dose of that size. I also have a slim build, there were quite a few aborts in the dose.
The lemon tea was really pleasant which surprised me. I'd highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't tried shrooms. I usually have a pretty sensitive stomach but the slight nausea I had with the lemon tea was very controllable. I took the dose at around 3pm.
I'd prepared both for safety and to avoid bad trips. All the usual stuff; a feel good music play-list, some tripping toys to help me lift my mood etc...
20 minutes into drinking the tea I started to feel mild effects - like being stoned I suppose but without the heaviness or mugginess you often feel when really baked. That's something I really enjoyed about the whole trip, my mind felt clearer somehow, less muddy than it does weed, more insightful. Once I'd finished the tea I had a short bout of nausea so I went for a walk about the site to try and clear it and to avoid the chance of being sick in the camping area. The walk was odd. People chatted to be but it was becoming increasingly difficult to respond sensibly. I came back, sat down and was feeling really 'up' and high. I then got my first trippy sensation. I felt like I was sinking into the chair quite suddenly and briefly. And we're off! I made a few video logs and tried to read the book on Dali that I'd brought. It oddly didn't do too much for me. I was starting to get closed eye visuals. Quite strong kaleidoscope patterns etc... I was really starting to enjoy myself. Feeling relaxed and as the colours around me became more intense and vivid, I began to understand what Huxley meant when he talked about how secondary colours become primary as you notice the detail in them. Looking at a tree normally, you may say, well that's green, but on shrooms the colours gain so much more depth and texture that calling it just green is not enough. I sat there happily giggling to myself as a watched two campers trying to but up an enormous flag.
Anyway, I began to make notes in a blank notebook I had made up. The paper became my company and my companion. I wrote in it throughout the trip and became emotional towards it. The paper served as a vehicle throughout, for my conscious mind to interact with my subconscious, for me as an outlet and comfort, and as a place where my senses could meet. I'll elaborate further but from now on all the writing in RED is a quotation from the paper I wrote on. I'm going to share with you exactly what I wrote.
My handwriting was childish and I think in a lot of ways it captures the mood I was in - full of wonder and amazement. My handwriting was quite expressive in itself and deteriorated drastically later on in the trip as things got crazy!Words I'd written became pictures and whole pages would be taken up with a big scribbled word. Anyway, to begin with it was fairly neat:
Page 1: If your mind were a car, (look at that punctuation! Get me!) normal would be like 30mph and tripping would be like 70mph This paper is great, if my mind were oats this paper would be porridge This paper really slows down my mind I'm having such a relationship with you paper I hope we'll always be friends!
The stuff in brackets is annotation I wrote at the time. Anyway as you can see I was in a kind of childish playful mood. I was playing with what seemed like an absurd idea of building a relationship with the paper.
Page 2: I fell so sad to have left that page. I feel we were really hitting it off! -why the exclamation point!- Woah and another This is so pleasant and intoxicating Chocolate is quite a sinister taste
I had a good look around at everything and nature started "breathing"and moving. There was a red nissan micra about 20 feet away that seemed to be pulsating in my face. I was really starting to trip. I lit a cigar that a man had given my at a gig I played the night before. It tasted suburb especially with the grapes I was munching. Highly recommended combo! A man came and offered me a leaflet about the curry he was selling. I could talk to him ok but I must have seemed fairly gone. I returned to the paper:
Page 3: I just remembered what I'm doing - everything is breathing - the grass moves in such unison This is insanely cool The nissan micra is fucking the front of my face Someone just offered me curry - I quite like the idea of curry The end - what an odd way to end a story
Page 4: I would like some human interaction now if its all the same with you paper -although you have been good fun. The full stop at the end there is enormous on the paper. I didn't go for any human interaction in the end. I was soon realising that sober people when on shrooms are not cool. I'm writing like a child, perhaps I should like to draw a picture - red goes nicely with blue
Page 5: The man commented on my cigar (referring to the curry guy) - he said it looked like I had things sorted - my hands are so pale - what's with all these dashes(referring to the punctuation) They are so fun - that was a long dash - a dash for gold.
I realise that at the moment my writings were fairly trivial largely because,at this stage, I was still in a fairly playful mood (in the come up), but as you can see I'm starting to treat the paper a bit like a friend commenting about things to it - telling it what's happening because, of course, it doesn't have any senses. The word 'fun' had big circles drawn round it. My handwriting was becoming more expressive as they way I wrote certain words reflected how I felt about them - like with 'fun'. Just how I was expressing emotions through how I wrote the words I found that throughout the trip, objects, concepts and often fairly innocuous ones carried more emotional weight. At this point I was developing a strong stream of conscious and inner dialogue. I'm really buoyant and my thoughts are erratic and curious.
Page 6: I fancy an adventure dear paper (I paused and looked around for a minute) I know I came back to you for more but now the idea seems utterly absurd! - Its nice that it's sunny - otherwise I shall play pokemon (There's a terrible picture of a pikachu with an annotation 'Pika!'. Underneath the picture is just written 'lines') I'd brought an old pokemon game for good vibes if things got weird.
There is an drawing largely covering the next page (page 7) with flame-like patterned drawing. Things were starting to get pretty weird at this point. I wrote 'That was weird - I don't like human interaction' across both pages and after it had crossed onto the page with the drawing on I wrote 'shit I've spoilt the drawing now'. On page 7 a sectioned of areas of the page with lines and wrote, 'It's kinda like I'm trying to break out of myself'. The senses were getting overwhelming and yet I felt constrained by their limits. One of the benefits of this trip was finding that bit of me that wanted to get out. I then just wrote 'I'm a bit sleepy'.
Page 8: I feel a bit restless but I think some regular tea should settle me Maybe playing some video games would be nice too :) Everything is so melty and time is just insane (insane is triple underlined)
At this point I was sitting in my tent with the sun shining through and the vibes were just brilliant. I wanted to be inside because I wanted isolation and the sober people were making me nervous. There was a very slight underlying panic at this point so I took a break and went for a spliff in my car. I was just starting to peak and the spliff gave things an extra kick. I sat in my car listening to sixties garage (The sonics) looking out over a beautiful field with birds singing and a began to feel euphoric and intensely connected to nature and time and all that was around. I phoned a friend for a chat and told him about how my car was talking to me. The dashboard became a face. I wandered back to the tent. Going past the people a felt fairly paranoid. I really didn't want to talk to them.
Page 9 Hello paper! It's been a while. I've been quiet a long long time. This has been cool! - modern technology sucks because my camera broke - mushrooms rule! - I have a massive urge to write a novel - I think its the music - which is sort of tragic - like a funny film -
Page 10 I'm breaking the barrier between the planes of my consciousness - I'm not thinking of you anymore paper. My thoughts are elsewhere but I am enjoying you none the less. God that's ironic - shit - I'm thinking about writing but there's such a gap between what I'm thinking and me actually doing it.
There seemed to be actual measurable distance between my planes of consciousness and between my mind and my body. They were so separated.
God I was writing that for a really long time - giggle - God I love the way I'm so connected with my hand (Swirls drawn underneath)
Page 11 The walls of my tent are iridescent, this is what it is - the setting is perfect and so is everything. Who needs people! When I have you paper
I was intensely euphoric. My writing was almost illegible. The sun was glowing on the horizon as I looked out of my tent. The 'who needs people!' was a cathartic statement. It was part of me being triumphant as I had been feeling so introverted and lonely recently. Who needs people when I have my mind! I then picked up a bright pink pencil:
Page 12 But you don't respond to me - just like Mary (Mary is a woman I know with dementia) - I fancy another spliff.
I didn't go
The music is so funny. Its rare that music is funny. I want to have a dube - I'm toying with the idea and its toying with me -cheeky bastard (referring to the idea)
Page 13 Why am I in such a playful mood - Its just the best. everything in my conciousness is in stereo - nothing really matters and yet everything matters.
My senses were just so intoxicating at this point. The sun, the birds, the warmth was amazing. I was so happy tripping. I was having too many thoughts to write down. My whole perception of the world was changing so much. I was feeling the connections so much between everything around me - not just things but time itself. I felt so blessed and humbled to be part of the world and all that's in it. I was so in awe of the whole nature of consciousness and its existence full stop..
Page 14 Spliff time at last
'last' is written on its side down the page on its side. I didn't go for the spliff.
turns out not - was just teasing you (referring to saying I was going for a dube)
Page 15 I feel really so indifferent to everything in the world - there's part of me deep inside that is utterly...
Page 16 indifferent to everything in the world - part of me that wants to get out
The handwriting there is quite scribbly and creepy - sort of distressed
Page 17 Emotions are so Superficial - there's something above
OK. Things start to go a bit sinister from this point onwards. There were still odd bouts of euphoria but I was getting quite twisted up in my out head, I drew an oddly curvy picture of a woman but without a head and just wrote below 'This is death' This referred largely to my state of consciousness. As time began to feel infinite and concepts such as 'before and after' became ridiculous, I started to wonder whether this was what death was like. I wondered whether there is any difference between life and death. All very unscientific of course but my mind felt infinite and connected with the world so intensely that the idea of me just being an isolated body that would die was not comprehensible. I just felt that I was everything and everything was me. As I heard the voices of those around me every so often it would briefly knock me out of my manic thinking and I would panic that I didn't know what people do. I couldn't really remember what people do generally and I was trying to recall whether I had ever not been in this current state of consciousness. I'm glad I had the bed in the tent as I used it as a refuge. Part of me knew that if I stayed there nothing too bad could go wrong.
Page 18 I'm in infinity - The walls are trying to say something shhh...
A very trippy moment there
Page 19 I'm indifferent to you paper but I do love you all the same - indifference is actually quite boring who my head is air
Page 20 God I need a dube man
Ps. Why are shrooms illegal they are badass!
At this point I was switching between euphoria and panic.I played a little pokemon to try and calm myself down. It was proving fairly impossible to concentrate on the game although the open eye visuals had largely died down. I went for another smoke in my car. When I came back I felt lifted and my mood improved for a while. My inner dialogue was very intense and I experienced a sort of second peak, where regained more coherence, before a harsh comedown.
Everything is pleasant - hey paper just got back from another dube there are so many layers of everything - sight is sound and I am God of you oh my what have we here triumph a sense of victory over you humble paper you're so amazing
I love you
My handwriting was extremely messy. My relationship had really developed with the paper. Its impossible to convey through what I wrote and what I'm writing now how dependent on the paper I was and how I felt towards it.
I wish we could marry. I love being in the tent
Lots of kisses
I was playing around as I signed off that page like a love letter to the paper.
Fuck Clinton Cards (One of the places I work to bring in extra money)
Balloons my arse Am I another person looking in on me Am I tripping or is this just life? nice punctuation there
Language is funny
Below this I attempted to draw I picture of a clown. It looks hilariously bad. I added a rabbit in a hat. The clown had no face:
Hahaha, no face, well in your face!
I'm glad I found you humble A4, everything is so connected with you. This is ineffable. I don't wanna leave you shroom land
Oh wait shroom world is infinite because it's the same world. Why do we think they aren't?
Grapes are good! The end! I've had it with you paper! Your surface is to cold.
I turned the word 'cold' into what looks like a picture of a person.
And furthermore, shall I add that I dislike you! I shall eat my grapes...
...In disdain - yum yum and good riddens - yeah let the grape juice run down you, you shlagggg
My arm is numb and you are dumb - rhymes are funny. I've always been in trip land, my inner dialogue loves me and this is life (there are two attempts to draw a heart)
I felt very emotional about the trip and truly loved the sensation with all my being. I never wanted it to end.
This is just what I've needed to do with you paper for a long time.
-what gives? who is giving it?
Wow! Almost out of pages.
I finished with the paper and from then on things declined rapidly. I tossed and turned in bed. I felt tired and frustrated as I couldn't sleep because of the intense closed eye visuals. Infinity became overwhelming. I couldn't focus on anything. Once again I lost all concept of time and started to panic as I couldn't seem to fathom my consciousness. The only comfort was that I was in bed and I somehow knew that the bed was safe.
That was the tail end of my peak and the comedown to follow was quite unpleasant. For the sake of honesty and for the purpose of offering advice, I used masturbation quite a lot to help with the manic consciousness and to help tire out my over active mind. I found that it helped in my mescaline trip and really helps me if I'm on a drug and things get too intense. I find it really useful and would recommend it on a solo trip, plus you end up jacking off over the weirdest shit on shrooms, which is funny on hindsight.
I found that throughout the trip and especially during the comedown I definitely didn't want any company, even of a good friend. I felt that company would only have intensified the panic as I'd have someone to panic to who probably only would have become very irritated with me. On my own,I was forced to pull myself together due to the solitude. Part of me knew that I had to hold myself together because I was on my own and this has actually made me stronger in my life as I realised then what my mind was capable of withstanding and how strong it is.
As I came down I remember thinking that I needed to tell somebody something desperately. I think it was my mind on shrooms trying to tell my normal mind something. It wanted to tell it simply that there was more to the universe and creation than what one can possibly comprehend without shrooms.
A final word
My trip experience has enriched my life so much. I am a much stronger person now. I have no fear of death as I've felt the collective consciousness of the world. I see so much more beauty in what is around me and especially the wonders of nature, which I never fully appreciated before. Shrooms are one of nature's gifts to us and a beautiful window through which we can see creation in all its glory. Shrooms are illegal because some people are afraid of the light coming through the window, afraid to leave their normal consciousness, but I'm not afraid, not any more.
I thoroughly enjoyed solo tripping. Here are some tips for someone thinking of solo tripping:
1.Have a sanctuary - like a bed or somewhere where you feel safe and know nothing can go too wrong
2.I'd strongly recommend having some weed with you as it may jolt you out of a bad patch or boost your mood further.
3.Think of things to tell yourself before hand that may comfort you if you lose it
4. Have some kind of outlet - I had the paper which was very comforting. It gave me an outlet for both the highs and the lows.
5. Don't phone or text anyone - I managed to get away with phoning someone but I really wouldn't advise it.