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My first level 5 psychedelic experience.

But not the last.



I wasn't new to psychedelics. This was actually my fourth experience. My first and second experience was with two tabs and my third, with three. Let's take a trip back in time to when it all happened...

It was New Years day of 2009 I believe and it had not been ten minutes past midnight when I sent the four little tabs with their picture designs I could not make out, into my mouth and placed them under my tongue where the chemical would reach my bloodstream in the fastest way possible. I went into this trip like all other trips, with no intentions, just letting the drug take me where it wanted. I was not afraid of it but I was a bit nervous since this was the first time taking this dose and I knew I would be alone for my entire trip. Now, waiting outside while smoking a cigarette, I can feel the drug slowly creeping in. I think to myself that it might just be a placebo affect. My parents come outside and I pay no attention to them. They talk among themselves while I slip deep into my mind, waiting in anticipation for what was to come and staying on alert so that I would not be caught off guard and fall deep into the trip without my awareness of it. My step-father lights an M-80 firework and throws it into the lemon tree behind me. I swiftly get up and walk away from it so that the explosion will not be as strong to my ears. Right after it explodes, a dove sleeping in the tree is frightened to an extreme I couldn't imagine. My step-father laughs and I feel the anger inside me begin to boil. I can't stand how he laughs, even less to something so inappropriate and psychotic. He throws another one. I walk inside the house in disgust knowing they knew I was angry at them and risking getting much unneeded attention at the time but I did not care. "What a way to start a trip" I say to myself. They come back in and head to their room. I make my way back outside again and I can feel the onset of the drug now that I am able to concentrate better. I light another cigarette and go into a mild delirium. Sounds start to distort and a creeping fear makes its way into me. I tell myself it is only my mind and there is nothing to be afraid of. I think of the poor dove that probably had its soul spooked out of itself and the thoughts are now too depressing, too morbid for the beginning of what is suppose to be a good experience. I go back inside, to the bathroom, and start chain smoking out of the fear. I look into the mirror and realize that I had taken the drug as if I had forgotten. It is strong, the strongest I had ever taken and I know it is not only the dose but the quality that has made this onset so powerful. It was like the ocean, calm and peaceful but at the same time powerful and a force to have great respect for. I make a small prayer to whatever God or gods are out there to bless this trip and that all may end up well. I look into the mirror and no longer see myself. I see the four year old child that was unloved and uncared for. Then I see the 20 year old self. Young and full of life, ready to go out into the world and charm all the women. Then I see the demon. He, it is all the horror and anger from the past. I am not ready to face it so I turn my attention to something else. I look over to the shower door which is plastic but of the kind that obscures everything so that what is behind it is warped but you can still make out what it is. I see one of the aliens. I had seen them, whatever they were, before while sober. I knew they were here for a reason and that they were not "bad". I had read Supernatural by Graham Hancock and had a good idea of what their role was in the psychedelic experience. I was not ready for that either so I go back to my room where the drug really starts to take affect. I had seen my previous LSD experiences onset as a roller coaster, never knowing where it will go or when it will stop so the only thing to do is to hang on for dear life and pray you make it out alive. But this time, it was different. It was far too strong for my mind and I had lost control. I was not afraid since my thoughts were "just go with it" and so I did. I see reality and almost as if I were watching a film at the movie theater, the frequency slows down, or maybe, I speed up and now reality is no more and I am surrounded by white light. I lose consciousness. I regain consciousness in what feels like a lucid dream. I say this because it is not reality as I knew it but I am now just watching what I would compare to a movie, as if I were being shown one. Thoughts are racing but I am still aware of myself, I do exist. I see nothing but white and I get a feeling, not from my senses but a feeling or better said, a knowing of what seems like I had had an office joke played out on me by my fellow co-workers. Everyone is laughing from having fooled me but I did not know why. Now everything changes and I see a movie set. There is a filming camera and what I make out to be as people working on the set. I hear the film tape on the camera reach its end and it flaps against sometime in beat. Then the words "that's a wrap" are said out loud by someone and again, the picture changes. I go back to white screen and it feels as if a memory from a very long time ago is being pulled out from somewhere deep in the pits of my mind. It is from a documentary and it says something like "the Native Americans say the biggest secret of the universe is a joke". I try hard to remember what that memory was with the hope of learning this "biggest secret" but I can't. I feel the presence of beings. They are friendly and I can only make them out to be what McKenna called "machine elves". I feel as if I had known them my entire life and maybe even before this one. They welcome me as one of their own but are not too excited about seeing me, as if they were always with me and knew me. They telepathically tell me that reality is merely an illusion and at that moment, I realize what the joke was. I see the darkness of space and our small planet floating in it and they said to me that I was brought here to bring light to this planet. I think of the insanity of it.. having been brought to the planet as if on a mission like Jesus and how that would all play out and disregard the thought. I snap back to reality and still feel as if I am telepathically communicating with these said "machine elves" and I marvel at what was once plain old reality with the eyes of an enlightened being. These "elves" and I look around at the once depressing house and laugh almost hysterically at the stupidity behind it all. I walk around the house laughing to myself, finally making my way to the bathroom that was decorated by my step fathers Marylin Monroe pictures. I see them and now I really want to laugh but continue to hold it in as to not wake up my parents and risking getting caught with pupils the size of dinner plates. I start to ponder on society and all of human history and again it brings a huge grin to my face to think of how stupid and backwards we are as a race. I go back to my room and start to really look at everything. My P.T.S.D. (post traumatic stress disorder) made it hard for me to concentrate but when I did, reality had never been more real. Everything is so defined, clear and beautiful! The crumbs on my floor! How amazing and beautiful you are! There is a whole other universe beneath my feet I had neglected to pay attention to. My dogs hairs, the crumbs of Doritos I had eaten earlier with my canine companion are all here and making this once dull and dreaded carpet a jungle full of life and detail I had once not seen with my blind eyes. I stare at the hairs on my arm and watch as they turn into vines, rapidly growing like in a sped up observation of their life in some documentary until they grow big enough to make a canopy where there is now a brontosaurus walking on this make believe jungle of my imagination. My body had ceased to exist and I was now the eyes of the universe looking in itself. No longer was reality filtered with my need for survival. Now I could see as Buddha or Christ might have seen.

Now I want to take the remainder of this trip into the night and see what the pitch black would have in store for me. I shut off the lights and stumble my way to my bed, tucking myself in like a child ready to watch a movie. Nothing at first appears but in time a faint mist appears and strobes as if being projected from an unknown source. The mist starts to take on the shape of people. I see the "machine elves" I had talked to earlier, if what had happened even fell under the category of talking, and I see them represented as garden gnomes which bring a cheerful delight to me to see them so happy and full of life. I see death as the grim reaper and do not know what to make of him so I just watch in anticipation to see what he will do next. This having been an experience from two years ago, there is a cloud in my mind that does not allow me to remember with precision what happened after this and makes me feel as though I am missing a good chunk out of the story but I remember that I met with these alien like beings. They came to me as the elders of some English fable and I was the boy hero archetype, much like Link from the Zelda games. There was a feeling that they were to be respected and feared and so I did and made sure to be humble in their presence. even though I knew non of it was real. What would be the harm of playing along? Not only that but, something inside me said that I should play along. As crazy as it may sound, I felt that even though it was a hallucination, what if there was more to it? Should I be wrong and I had gone and acted like an idiot then maybe yes, it wouldn't have mattered. But what if these "beings" were the deepest center of myself or something like that and the choice I made at that moment would follow me for the rest of my existence? It was something I took serious for that reason alone and in my mind, I said for them to bless me, not for myself, but for the awakening of all people on earth so that one day balance would be restored and we would no longer be a cancer on our mother Earth.  I believed that for me to receive, I would have to ask not for myself but for others and for that reason, I believe, I received. I was given a staff, a sword, a chalice, all the things given to the main character in the movie The Holy Mountain, all of which was in the same mist I had mentioned earlier. By this time, I had realized that what was happening was coming from myself or at least I believed it to be so. I have heard of experiences where people meet God and they always see him as whatever their perception of God to be is, so maybe things were being put to me in a way for me to understand? But from where? Was it inside of me? Or something external? Should it be from in me, how would I not be aware of these processes? Hopefully someone might shed some light on this because it is something I have yet to figure out. I know Jung talked about archetypes so, might I have been experiencing them visually? Later on I saw a mother archetype, much like the virgin Mary. She bestowed flowers on me and I felt loved and cared for. She gave me the love of a mother which is a lot more different from a romantic love or a friendly love. It was the kind of love that was unconditional. That no matter what I do or have done, she would always love me as her child. This made me feel so warm inside. As if I had been filled with a warm liquid that made my body melt. I was floating on her warm pink cloud of love. After this I fell asleep and remained asleep for I believe 20 or so hours. That was the first of my level 5 psychedelic experiences. Hope you enjoyed my experience and that it might have shed some light on your own personal development or at least, make for an interesting read :D

-Paul
Amazon Shop for: Terrence McKenna

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