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Life changing trip. (For the better)

10 - 15 grams of subs

Well guys I am going to tell you about my 4th/most intense mushroom trip yet. 

First of all I will tell you why I aimed for a very intense trip. About a month before this trip I started smoking weed everyday by myself and I believed it bought out my social anxiety where I was getting head twitches when I thought people were looking at me and I could barely walk properly in public anymore, I heard it was the sub-concious saying no to something (I don't know if that is true or not). So I was going to use shrooms to go deep into my mind and find out why. Now I want you to know I respect shrooms and I thought  I knew what they could do, but wow, was I wrong.
That day I went out to look for shrooms in an Australian suburban park. After hours of looking I found a really nice patch and cut all the big ones I could find, I ended up getting about 40gs.
That night at about 7:15 after a bit of drying I cut up about 10 - 15gs into pieces and placed them into a bowl ready for me to eat. About 15 minutes later I started eating them by holding my nose and placing a few in my mouth at a time then chasing with a mother energy drink. 

About 40 minutes later I was feeling the effects of the shrooms pretty strong so I thought it was time to turn my t.v off and all my music music and just lie on my back with my eyes closed. I started asking myself why I was having these nervous twitches, why do I care about what other, random people think. I did that for about 10 minutes, and nothing happened so I got up and jumped on the computer. I thought I was peaking and the trip was too weak so I was just going to watch funny videos but boy oh boy, I was wrong. 
20 minutes after I got up and started browsing the internet, the shroom effects kept getting stronger and stronger till eventually I couldn't concentrate on what I was watching. So I thought it was time again to turn everything off and lie back down and close my eyes and ask why. About 10 minutes of relaxing and preparing myself I asked why do I care about what other people who I don't know think. (At this moment I lost track of time so I will be telling you the stuff that I thought about in order.)

With my eyes closed I saw what I believe to be a white light shining, a tunnel, but it was going down and curving like a big water slide like at theme parks. I apporached it and I went into it, the next thing I remember is seeing myself in third person standing on the edge of oblivion hearing strong wind noises and seeing random stuff flying around every now and then, it felt like I stood there for ages. I had an urge to jump in but after lots of thinking I didn't believe I was ready and I felt myself turning back and my eyes opened. It had only been about 20 minutes and my trip was still getting stronger. 

I wanted to stop tripping,  I didn't know what I got myself into, so I tried to turn on my computer and I couldn't read anything, I had very strong green pattern visuals that were just blocking my site. I managed to put some music on (bliss n eso) and I just fell back onto my pillow and closed my eyes. I kept asking myself again why I was getting this anxiety, I brought up suggestions like is it because I want to join the army. It brought me to a table with people surrounding it and I walked up to the table and saw my self, laying there, lifeless. With my dad and disabled sister crying.  At this moment I started to cry and I opened my eyes yet again and tried to think about something else, but I couldn't so I faced it and closed my eyes again. I had a view on life that I didn't care if I was shot and killed in the war, I was being absolutely selfish and I never really thought how it would affect my father and sister. I started feeling the emotions they were feeling in this vision and I started crying and I couldn't stop.

Eventually I started thinking about life, about what's the point of life and why are we here. I really can't put into words what I was thinking. 
Near the end of this life comtenplation I started realizing how imperfect the human race is, how imperfect I am and how we are still evolving and we are just another generation in the human race where if the human race is still alive in a 1000 years, we would be studied by the and we would seen by them as how we see neanderthal's, primitive beasts that still enjoy violence and still fight physically. I started to get angry at how we still have a lot of our primitive instics so I grabbed the sort blunt scissors and tried to cut my arms open, I then started hitting myself in the head with the scissors (not stabbing) repeating words like "Imperfect, stupid, fail, insignificant, useless, idiot, primitive, bad ect."

After that I realised, yes we are imperfect, we are very far from being "perfect" or even close to it but that is life and that is what we have to deal with. I started to think about my dad realising how fucking selfish I had been, when I was a kid, I used to get angry when he didn't get me the latest game on time and so on, but he was working really hard every day, getting up at 5 am and sometimes getting home at 9pm. He was a single parent and hired baby sitters to look after us while he worked. He recently said he wanted to go on a holiday with me and I sort of blew it off, I realised that he wants to spend as much time with me as he can before I eventually go to the army. 
  I started thinking about how I was being a dickhead to random people in public or when I take the train and  I tend to just have a  pissed off face on me and give everyone bad looks. I realised that everyone on that train has problems too, nobodies life is perfect everyone has problems and it wouldn't hurt to put on a smile and be nice to as much people as I can.

I then thought about my sister and said my purpose is to make sure she lives a happy life, I was then was overcome with a feeling of warmth, the strongest feeling that my body and mind has ever felt, I then bursted into tears, I mean I am cry right now writing this. It was defintely the most powerful feeling I have ever felt and if she lost me I couldn't imagine what she would feel. I value life so much more now and I do my best to stay safe when I leave the house and I make sure I tell her and my dad that I love them before I leave.

It has been about 3 - 4 hours and I am starting to comedown, but I just wanted to interract with life, with something living. I looked to my left and saw my clock, I then yelled at it and started calling everything lifeless, dead. Little did I know my dog was sleeping on my floor next to my bed, so I told him to hop up and I just cuddled with him and cried. He started getting hypo so I got up and put him outside so he could go to the toilet. My visuals at this time are no where near as strong, but I still really wanted to interact with life so I went around my house looking for a "daddy long legs spider" and I found one and took it into my room and I just let it crawl around my bed for ages till I eventually put it back. I tried to go to sleep but my mind was still racing and my ego was coming back slowly (I was really amazed at this, I thought it would never come back but it slowly "regenerates" haha.)  At about 3 am I fell asleep. 

This was defintely amazing, i am just really interested of what would have happened if I just jumped into oblivion, that image of me standing there is just burnt into my mind. I don't know when I will have a strong trip like this again, I guess when I feel ready. Thanks for reading, sorry about my bad writting and grammar, or lack of explanation. I wrote this the best I could, I hardly ever write but this is something I wanted to try to put in words, which is impossible but yeah.

I should have probably put this earlier. Yes I am still going to join the army and yes I still get nervous twitches. It has lessened though and when I feel I am getting it I just go with the flow, I don't get uncoordinated walking anymore though which was really a big suprise and amazing.

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