The day began as my birthday celebration. A special day to try something I have never done before, in the company of my best friend "B" I couldnt wait to dive into this adventure! To explore my soul and give me some new material for my artwork. Most of all I had high expectations because the first time doing any drug has always been the best of all.
I am a chick, somewhat small and very sensitive to any kind of drug . A normal dose for most is a huge dose for me! Mushrooms are no exception, this i now know for sure. So with that being said, I have always been wary of psychedelics. My fascination and respect for the power of drugs is complicated.
B showed up at my house and we had a tense couple of beers while we talked about his experience with mushrooms. He assured me they were the "mellow type" and thought we might not have enough to get really wild. The bag DID seem small so we weighed them to make sure we didnt get ripped off. It was 7 grams for sure, so we split them evenly and decided to take them at our own pace. 3 1/2 grams each B took all his at once. It was my first time so i took half of my portion to be on the safe side.
Visuals began and colors were intense, but i was somewhat dissapointed with my experience so far after 30 minutes. B had full blown kalidescopes and saw everything moving at this point. I became somewhat jealous and wanted to jump on board so i quickly ate the rest of mine
This is when things started ....to ....get .....weird!!!
B told me he was getting scared and might lose it. I asked him not to freak out and became a little scared myself. After all, i realized i was 30 minutes behind him at this point and wherever he was at i would soon be going. We abbandoned the fire pit and went inside because it was starting to get dark and a little overwhelming. We lay on my bed and i did my best to comfort him, knowing that he would do the same when it was my turn to reach that level. The trust that we were in it together and loved each other profoundly overwhelmed me and i felt at peace. He was beautiful and vaulnerable, i saw him slipping away and looked at him with amazement. A deep and beautiful respect for love filled my heart and i knew there was no one else in the world i would rather be on this journey with then him. B asked me if he was a real person and i did my best to tell him who he was. i saw him slip to the edge then come back only to go further into his experience.
The hallucinations grew stronger than i ever could have imagined, far past the colors, the kalidescopes and the sounds i had read about. All that existed was my brain and racing thoughts. I was 20 feet tall, light as a feather and deepy confused how i got that way. Thats when the loops and "what if i never come back" thoughts began to get out of control. B dissapeared into my bed. His dark clothes disappearing into a sea of blackness, only a tiny shrinking head remained.
We both became paralyzed and were unable to move or care for our basic needs. Hot and cold were the same, open and closed eyes were the same, the thoughts darkened, then became happy, sad, pain, fear, and most of all confusion at the same time. we came to the realization that death was very similar to this and it would be the worst way to die. Both determined to stay concious we struggled back and forth to stay in touch with reality until I gave up and let the trip take me away to a place i kept calling "white light". Time froze and we didnt exist. I died, in the only sense of death a person could know. It was so quiet and still. I saw myself through gods eyes, asked him to give me another chance and promised i would change if i could only get back to reality. I searched for the clock on the wall. Its face was blank and had no numbers. I stepped on the scale in the bathroom and it told me i didnt exist. The concept of time slipped away and never came back.
We both started yelling "Something HAS to make sense at some point!!!" .....but we knew it wouldn't. ....we couldnt even remember what normal life was like! How would we know when we got back there? we must have said this 30 times and each time we sank further and further into the unknown. I sat up with a loud scream and said "What are we suppose to DO? Take Our Clothes Off???!" B found this to be a possible solution and removed his clothes, but got no relief and struggled to put them back on. I watched him and felt his pain as if it was my own. I pulled out some paper and a pen and attempted to draw my feelings, my hands limp and not sure what i was touching. B offered me some water, the glass weighed a ton and slipped from my hand as if it was covered in slime. i managed to get the water in my mouth only to find it was mercury on my tongue...heavy, solid, and alien to my body. I spit it on the carpet and smashed my hands in it.
Paralyzed again and again for what seemed like days. The floor, the bed, the couch, the floor again, nothing seemed to offer any relief or a way to pass the time. Eventually i began slipping back into "real life", though it was a struggle and i cried out everytime the emptyness pulled me back and took me for another ride, over and over, it pulled me back and told me thats where my life would end.... as a blabbering old crazy woman that no one could understand. I wanted to fall asleep so bad, but truely believed sleep would never happen again....It began to actually wear off at this point, I threw up with all the strength i had left in me, and we both became angry and dumbfounded and questioned whether it was actually shrroms we took. It was farther then either of us wanted or expected to go, and for that reason we felt abused but stronger in the end. It will take some time to understand what happened and we may never but i see life on a new perspective and that was worth it!
B said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TALK ABOUT BEING RE-BORN!" How right he was! a clean slate and a new beginning