Foreword: Let me start by giving some background info on my drug use prior to this event. I am what you would generally refer to as a new drug user because the first time I used any substance, which was weed, was September 25th, 2009. After experiencing weed for the first time I quickly became infatuated with psychoactive and their relationship with the brain. I started to browse Erowid quite frequently and never grew tired of reading about the amazing wonders of dr00gz. I started experimenting with Diphenhydramine as it was the only OTC that I knew of at the time. Other drugs that I eventually tried were DXM, MDA, Xanax and JWH-018.
Even though I'm new to the drug scene I feel that it's worthy to note that I am what most would consider a "Drug Geek". I'm the guy who people go to when they have a question about dosage advice or the newest drug that they've heard about. I consider myself to have a very stable grip on my sanity and I know where my limits are, although I usually like to push beyond the limit.
On December 30th, 2010, I spent the day hunting around the Bay Area for the seemingly elusive P. cyanescens. I had been searching for over a year and I finally made it a point to do a very thorough search. I spent about 12 hours total walking and by the time I found them and got home I was very tired.
The spoils were 11 medium/small mushrooms that were already 90% dry compliments to the wind so they were ready to go the same day. I live with my Dad who is against drugs for the most part so I found it appropriate to wait until he had gone to bed. While I waited I decided that I would dose 4 of my largest caps as I did not have a scale at the time. This proved to be a key factor in what was to come in the next 6 hours.
At around 10:40 I put the 4 mushrooms in a peanut butter and Ritz cracker sandwich to hide the taste/texture. I finished it with no problem and I proceeded to get on Skype to talk to some friends because it seemed appropriate to have some social contact while tripping.
10:55PM - I began to feel feel very light, which I am familiar with as it is similar to the feeling of when you come up on Diphenhydramine.
11:10PM - As I pack a bowl I can't help but to remark to my fellow Skype companions that I already feel extremely stoned and I have a bad case of the giggles. The visuals have also started which consist of moving words.
11:20PM - I am coming up hard and fast. I'm staring at the "threads" page on Shroomery, totally baffled at how blatant the visuals are. Sentences are swirling, things are brighter and it's all so beautiful. I'm still talking on Skype and I try to explain to them what I'm seeing but it's pretty much nonsense. I say, "The computer screen is like a wall, an actual wall!."
Time at this point is merely a number, something that does not have meaning anymore. I'm beginning to peak. The three people on Skype that are all talking at once begins to overwhelm me. I try to shake this feeling off as I genuinely wanted to talk to them but it came to a point where I just couldn't handle it anymore. I then asked one of them if he would drop the call and just talk to me and he said OK.
In a much more quiet and comfortable position, I decide to call some friends to see if they wanted to hang out. I somehow managed to tear myself away from the now beautiful Shroomery page and call my friend. They were hanging out and they said sure come down and I said OK and hung up.
Well I realized that I was in no position to go outside, let alone be able to put my pants on. This is when shit started to get intense. I realized that I wanted to do many things at once, but I simply couldn't do all of them at once. I wanted to stay on the computer, smoke weed, listen to music, talk on Skype, and go outside all at the same time. I entirely helpless. I called my friend back and told him that I was unable to hang out because I was just tripping way to hard.
Staring at the screen, talking to "B" on skype, I became completely overwhelmed by the visuals. If I remember correctly, I explained to "B" that I was becoming uncomfortable and he tried to tell me that I just need to think positive and go with it. I replied, "Thats easier said then done though. It all seems very simple to you but to me its much more complicated." (I said something along those lines, but thats what I was thinking).
I began to feel that the computer was distracting me from my trip so I decided that I would finally go to bed. I told "B" this and he said, "Good luck with that because thats impossible for me, although my friend has the amazing ability to so maybe you can.". I thought nothing of it and I shut down the computer and laid down in bed.
Earlier when I was on Skype I boasted about my inability to have a bad trip, boy was I full of shit. I realized this right when I laid down and closed my eyes. I tossed at turned for awhile, unable to shut my mind off. My thoughts were very loud and I started to think about life. At some point I completely zoned out (which felt like DXM dissociation) for what seemed like eternity, although it could've been for only a minute. When I snapped out of it everything around me was chaotic. My room was now longer "solid" but rather the walls were made of jello, bending and swaying. My vision was full of tiny geometric shapes, thousands if not millions of them!
I thought my nose was bleeding or snot was coming out so I put my fingers up to my nostrils, and to my alarm I realized the I was breathing out of my fingers. I rubbed my face checking for blood but I felt none so I tried to tell myself there was none. I finally got up fed up and I went to check in the bathroom mirror if I was truely bleeding. Jesus, I forgot how weird mirrors were.
I looked at myself in horror. Sure there was no blood but that was nothing compared to looking into the eyes of an alien with black holes for eyes. Looking into those eyes I learned a lot about that person. It was me, but I was not me. I looked at him from as an entirely different person which allowed me to make judgments of him just as other people could do so. Those few minutes staring at my own reflection was the most incredible moments of my life. I feel that I should not go into detail as this was a very personal thing.
When I wen't back to bed the worst part of trip started. The best way to describe it is that it was a trial to test my will to live and fight for my sanity. My mind was loud, so loud that I could hear it in my ears. It was much like the high frequency sound that TV's give off. There was no way I could sleep with such a racket and I begged for peace and quiet. Closing my eyes didn't help because when I did, I could still fucking see almost as clearly as I could when they were open.
I remembered those last words that "B" told me before I turned off the computer, "although my friend has the amazing ability to so maybe you can.". I clung to these words. I repeated it in my mind over and over again but to no avail.
I "dissociated" once again and when I came to I immediately said one thing in a whisper, "I'm dying." I then spent the rest of my bad trip coming to grips with death. I learned that my life was more valuable than I previously thought it was. I also learned that dying in the state I was in is pure hell. I was determined to live. But there was another problem. I completely forgot what it was like to be sane. This terrified me so much because I thought I would have to live in a mental hospital or be a crazy homeless man on the streets of San Francisco. This thought of being homeless sparked a vivid vision of me sitting down in the city wearing tattered clothes and holding a cardboard sign. Having all this putting in front of me, I was astounded that I wasn't crying. Shouldn't someone cry when they realize that they are either going to die or be insane for the rest of their life? I tried to force it but, to my dismay I couldn't.
Throughout this whole ordeal I fought the urge to wake my Dad and beg him to take me to the hospital. I wanted nothing more than to have them pump me full of activated charcoal and make the suffering go away. Ultimately I decided against it because I thought that it wouldn't be fair to scare to my Dad like that. I also remembered that people sometimes get violent during bad trips, I pondered this. What would punching and breaking things do to help my cause? I laughed at the idea.
Through my loud thoughts I heard a peculiar sound. A sound Ive only heard in a song by infected mushroom before. It can be best described as the sound the grudge makes, the kind of UGGGGHHHHH with the crackling voice. I decided that it was the mushrooms talking, in there garbled language. The next day I realized it was my stomach making those peculiar sounds because next was the nausea. I stumbled to the bathroom, not looking into the mirror, and put my head face down on the toilet. I held the toilet dearly as I puked dry heaved several times and then finally puked.
As disgusting as it is, I feel like I should describe the puke because of what I saw. Amidst the debris I spotted 4 green dots, simply floating around. These dots were almost beautiful. They were very complex but extremely simple and they moved as if they were alive. In my odd state of mind, I decided that they were some type of bacterial organisms that were apart of the mushrooms. Bleh.
I spent what felt like days laying on my side and staring at my wall, just spacing out. Everyone once and awhile I'd snap back to reality to see if I was out of my bad trip. I did this 5 or 6 times until finally everything was quiet. I turned on to my back and look around my room. Everything was so beautiful. It looked as if my walls and ceiling were covered in green vines and leaves, in a sort of 16:9 aspect ratio.
I laid there, with my sanity intact, thinking about what had just happened. I laughed at it all and strangely missed it. I missed it because I learned so much in those last few hours. I enjoyed the rest of my trip laying peacefully in my bed for the next hour or so until finally I was able to fall asleep.
Conclusion: I write this report now, exactly one month after my trip, because it's taken some time to piece together everything that happened. Ive analyzed every aspect of the experience and It is without a doubt a learning experience in every way. I have taken valuable lessons out of this that I will hold sacred for the rest of my life and hopefully these lessons will guide me to a more successful future.
Ive also taken the time to understand why it is I had a bad trip and it's seems very obvious. If whoever is reading this because they wan't to know what mushrooms are like follow these couple of pointers to ensure a smooth trip.
1.Prepare - make sure that you know what your going to be doing while you trip. If your staying inside have a movie/music ready. If your going outside have a trip sitter that can be responsible for you and keep you out of harms way.
2. KNOW YOUR DOSAGE - If you did not buy a bag that has been pre-weighed its advisable to buy a scale so you can avoid an unpleasurable experience. With any drug it is generally a good idea to start with a super small dose and with hallucinogens this goes for double.