During my most recent trip to Amsterdam I decided to take a dose of mushrooms that was a lot heavier than on my previous two trips. Philosopher Stones are sold in packages of 16 grams, and as this was supposed to be my last visit to Amsterdam in a while, I decided to buy 4 packages for a total of 64 grams.
I chewed them quickly until they were mush in about 15 min. Another 15 min later that the trip began, with an alarming speed. Usually it takes half an hour before I feel anything at all, an hour before the peak is reached. I was as high as I ever was before, in less than 15 min! That caused me to freak out somewhat, worrying just where I will be in 1 hour!? I told myself that the moment I feel I am losing it I will make myself throw up to prevent any more absorption and eat vitamin tons of vitamin C, which is supposed to bring you out faster. This may be just folklore but it helped in calming me down and seeing where I am going to go.
Earlier in the day I had a negative experience, which I was not able to get out of my mind. It festered all day and now it just fully exploded. The asshole in my mind just would not leave and so I decided to make the best of it and include him and deal with him during the trip. The moment I thought this he left.
I lay down, worried over the dosage, to monitor my condition, just looking at the clock numbers lit up in green, otherwise complete darkness. The time went very slowly, as it always does on shrooms, even more so because I could not enjoy myself until 1 hour has passed, and I knew I was not going to go any further, out of control. I kept staring at the clock to keep me focused in reality and ignore the lights, patterns and other visual effects swirling around me. I heard a definite high-pitched buzz in my ears. Normally I would enjoy these effects, but they came on too fast, too soon, and I just wanted the hour to pass, worried too much about passing out or doing something stupid.
On the hour I pressed Play on my CD player, and Delirium (Semantic Spaces) began to play. All worries disappeared, this was it, it wasn't going to get any worse, but it could get a lot more interesting.
The music, which I am familiar with in a sober state had an completely different, but recognizable quality to it. Metallic, techno, it conjured up an image of the inside of a dull aluminum-like metallic room with smooth French curves, sharp edges, like curved wings on a plane, all lined and lit up with mostly red lights. Once the beat started the whole experience took on a sexual tone. Relentless, warm, raunchy, moist, sticky and hairy the beat would tease, caress and torture at the same time. It was like having your brain pressed against the vulva of the goddess of sex. As I went deeper, I became the music, the room became a brothel and I had sex with the music, sex with existence. The sexuality did not originate with the gonads, it was everywhere, and that's all there was. Nothing else. (I suppose this is what they would call mind-fuck).
Going deeper, the female singer's angelic voice came on. Having become the music, it was natural that I WAS the woman singing. I felt my waist, my breasts, and was shocked to feel there weren't any. Better stop touching myself and enjoy my newfound feminine side.
At times the music slowed down to beyond recognition, individual beats having whole seconds between them, sounds waning in and out, loss of ...... everything previously thought of as real. I believe at this point the ego loss occurred. "I" became a vague and almost meaningless concept, similar to "eternity" , a concept not really understood, on the edge of human comprehension. Everything was an interconnected unity, no real individuals, just the universe.
At times I forgot to breathe, being only reminded by some vague slightly uncomfortable feeling. I was pretty ambivalent about having to start again, but whatever common sense was left told me I'd better, but it was optional. I kept on reminding myself to do so, even though it didn't seem very important.
This lasted for the better part of an hour, ceasing only when the beat stopped. During those times the room seemed made of cardboard, with cracks along the corners and the doors, outside being a big empty expanse of dusty flat construction site, as far as the eye could see, no people, no living things at all, just dust gently being lifted up by the wind, blue sky, some wispy clouds. I'll bet a psychologist would have a ball with this, I'll just take is as representative of my mind ... Work In Progress.
There goes the beat again, the rattles, sex, sex, sex. The addition monk's voices and the tribal sounds make for a confusing but heavenly combination. Don't know how much more I can take. The CD is 74 min long, it feels like 4 maybe 5 hours. Physically tired of clutching the bed, tired of frequent heavy breathing, panting, but still enjoying the experience. The last song on the CD slows down somewhat, allowing me to realize my leg is in a twisted position, intertwined with the bedcover which itself is tucked under the mattress. In an annoyed manner I decide to kick it off, it didn't work. So I slowly remove my leg and patiently straighten everything out. (Apparently I had nothing more important to do at the moment). And here it came like a bright light of wisdom shining from heaven:
The bed is a symbol, a metaphor for the way I've been dealing with people. Annoyed, impatient, angry.
I have been mean, impatient and plain nasty to others, but especially to myself. Why am I so nasty and critical to myself? All this comes out of fear. Fear of what? Fear of being seen for who I really am. Nasty and afraid. A bit of circular reasoning.. It's all about ego, with me and with most people. Ego gets in the way of love and communication. Ego (often seen as money) is the root of a lot of evil indeed.
The asshole in my mind was me.
The room which was a brothel has now become a sacred shrine.....
There is another level, just within reach, I can almost see the door, but I am not ready to open it now. Waiting for the next time is the right thing to do. I am certain.
Many revelations followed, such as people are a mirror to your own attitudes and actions. Concepts, notions and philosophies came, well known throughout the wisdom of ages and religions, concepts which are often repeated, seldom understood and rarely followed.
Most importantly I realized that all we have is love, love for each other, to GIVE. Receiving will happen on its own and is not to be expected, or even thought about, it will come naturally, and if it doesn't that's ok too. Because you should have enough love for yourself.
For the next couple of hours I spent processing all this new information. I cried like I haven't cried since I was three. A complete release. Years, decades of pain all coming out at once. Everything was obvious. Everything was just right. I only hope that I can turn a new leaf and incorporate what I have found in my new life.