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Loss of conscious thought, spiraled into insane thought loops
3.5g dried p.cubensis
My culmination of mushroom experiences has led me to believe that there are mushroom spirits and that use of psychedelic mushrooms grown in 'labs' and indoors with the intention of tripping leaves one vulnerable to any harm whether psychological or physical by these spirits. I truly believe use of the fungus should be left to shamans of native peoples who harvest the fungus from the natural environment and envoke and commune with the mushroom deities, I have been hospitalized on two occasions, both times against my will, but the one time I had called 911 to tell them I died. It was a complete ego death experience in which all visual connection with reality took place and after the inner journey there were blackouts and when conscious thought and awareness of my environment returned I believed I was somehow dead even though I was moving around and had my eyes open.
This experience is the pinnacle disaster and ignorance of my drug use as a teen. The introduction is quite lengthy to include my previous experiences with drugs up until this trip and also my current views on drug and psychedelic use.
My prior drug and entheogenic use includes but is not limited to marijuana, lsd, mushrooms, ketamine, 2-ct-2, mdma, mda, dxm, alcohol, nitrous, opiates, benzos, amphetamines, and cocaine with other drugs that I know have been taken but am unable to recall.
I am now 24 years old, this particular experience occurred ten years ago at age 14 and I do believe it changed my life in a detrimental way, mainly socially and behaviorally but I feel grateful for being able to realize this and live a wholesome, positive, and reformed way of life that does not involve using substances and entheogens to 'further' my understanding of life and reality. I have come to the conclusion that psychedelics and drugs are not the highest way, but in fact they are the opposite way, to any sort of spiritual awakening and ultimate understanding, especially the way they are viewed and used in American culture i.e. dead heads, Timothy Leary, Terrence McKenna neo-shamans, psychonauts, etc.
I am hoping someone reads this and a lightbulb goes on over your head and snaps you out of the spell of psychedelics and using drugs, even for more 'noble' or 'spiritual' purposes if that is what you are using them for. No doubt my curiosity and desire to use drugs and psychedelics has come from influence from American counter culture, peers, and filling my head with information and stories from places like Erowid. A desire to see things in a different light, solve psychological problems, and deepen my knowledge of life itself was the fuel for my entheogenic and psychedelic use. However I can now see that hallucinations and visions are mere 'distractions' and 'distortions' from any true sort of understanding or light, and that the insights and wisdom gained from using entheogens is not ultimately beneficial or helpful in any way to solving problems or attaining true wisdom, sure it may allow you to see things in your life you were not aware of before and could not understand, but I know in my heart that it is a false path and has no real merit in it, just a self absorbed delusional idea that one has seen some kind of enlightenment through entheogens. Entheogens may allow one to see into spaces of reality that do actually exist beyond our ordinary awareness, but of what real value is it? What about the hallucinations that aren't even real or grounded in any kind of reality and all the negative and bad things and forces one can encounter while on these substances? If you want to learn about yourself or the world I would suggest you'd be better off finding a path with some real merit or truth in it that does something to help other people and make the world a better place. If drugs and psychedelics have any true merit in them, then why is it that most people involved in them deeply are 'drop outs' both whether in school and life or are 'out there' with their minds and view of the world not at all grounded in reality. Why is it that parents feel so much agony and sorrow when they're kids are involved in them? Is it an ignorance to the drug or plant? I don't think so, it is the lifestyle they foster and the lack of any truth, light, merit, value in using them, just a false sense of being tuned in to some truth when in reality you are just exploring delusional spaces that aren't tied to reality. However I will acknowledge that people do have experiences that are healing and life-changing, but that continued use with any entheogens and psychedelics is often abandoned after such an experience.
On to the trip report. The times are a rough but pretty accurate representation, the content of what happened is recalled as if took place was last week, this experience is being written 10 years from the occurence.
Set: I am a freshman in high school who has been smoking pot heavily with his teenage friends for the past year or two, we all have been looking up to and trying to emulate the older 'hippie' kids in our high school as we think they are the 'in' crowd to be a part of. My previous drug use includes social drinking of alcohol, heavy marijuana use, mild doses of lsd (a sugar cube that was dosed very weak and the same with some white on white, so as not to bug a young teen out, I guess it was a nice thing of the source to do in retrospect. The only effects experienced were mild visual i.e. patterns in wood and walls swimming and swirling, feeling of spatial distortions i.e. environment getting bigger and smaller) but nothing really mental going on. Also a full blown lsd experience with 2 hits of very potent spiderman blotter in which the meaning of 'tripping' was discovered, with pretty bad depression and lack of talking on the come down, probably due to the extremely intense elation and euphoria never before experienced in my life that the drug was giving me, my friend said he never saw me so happy. Another trip with spiderman blotters took place at a Phil Lesh and Friends show. Not really any intense mushroom experiences I can recall at this point but I am not a 'virgin' to tripping due to the spiderman experiences.
Setting: This trip begins at an Allman Brothers concert at Darien Lake Amusement Park, New York State. Three friends and I have been going to these types of hippie concerts i.e. Phil Lesh and Friends, String Cheese Incident, etc. because that's what the older kids are doing and there must be something of value in doing this. I for one could give two shits about the music and am just going because I am caught up with these druggie/hippie counter culture type of kids and I am wearing tie dies and acting like some kind of hip druggie because I think hippie culture and smoking weed and tripping have something of value in them. The desire to use psychedelics at this point is a blind curiosity and association with the wrong crowd (I now clearly see the true state of drugs and entheogens and why people use them, and my use back in high school was nothing more than deliquent.)
T + 0:00 - 3.5g of dried P.cubensis has been acquired and is ingested by me and one other friend, the other two are waiting to acquire lsd in the lot at the Allman Brothers concert.
T + 0:45 - Starting to doubt that the mushrooms were any good however mild effects were coming on, mainly a nervous jitteriness that your primal nature knows something big is taking place to your mind and body, a poisoning by psilocybe so to speak. By random chance we encounter the guy who sold us the shrooms and being an impatient smug brat I immediately start questioning him as to the genuiness of his fungi. He fires back that is hasn't even been an hour yet and assures us they are worthy specimens and that is end of that.
T + 1:00 - We enocunter a genuine man and his female partner selling some lsd, he has both orange gel tabs and pyramid blotters - said to be fresh and very potent, he was using tweezers to handle the blotter for chrissakes. The man is certified legit after a lengthy conversation reveals his intentions and persona. Both of each acid are purchased by all four of us. The two friends who didn't ingest fungus immediately dose 2 hits each. The one friend who ate fungus with me takes one blotter himself, and for some unknown reason I take 2 gel tabs along with 2 pyramid blotters (I do not recall why such an amount was taken, perhaps the mushrooms were starting to affect judgement) the doses were taken as if I had dismissed the mushrooms as not working, never ever turn your back on a drug as Fear and Loathing would say. What a horrible mistake: not only in taking more than one blotter after being clearly warned about the potency of the lsd but nearly having forgot about ingesting 3.5g of psilocybe mushrooms. (I have much experience with mushrooms especially at high doses, +5 grams, and can now vividly recall the distinct feeling of coming up looking back at this experience. My naivity and ignorance at the time and lack of waiting for the effects to grow led me to dismiss them as 'not working'.)
T + 1:15 - 1:45 - Ok, something big is happening. A silliness has swept over us and I recall walking through the parking lot to go head into the venue, definitely feeling the effects growing fast. The feeling of a practical joke is present simply from walking around, taking a step has become something of a game and is hilarious, I start speaking and counting out loud: abc, 123; this elementary behavior has become riotous and laughter ensues at nothing. Perhaps the fungus has brought on the lsd very quickly and things are going downhill fast. It feels like a storm is setting in: I can vividly remember the atmosphere growing darker and just losing touch with my surroundings as this haze is setting in.
T + 2:00 - 2:30 - We have just been patted down before being let inside the gates to the venue, however no paranoia is present as there is nothing to be found and we are aware of this. The band is not on stage yet and we are going in to find a spot on the lawn. At this point things keep getting hazier and hazier and any hilarity has dissappeared. My mind can't make out what is happening to it, the amount of drugs taken was absurd and simply way too far beyond my ability to comprehend the effects or remain in control. Shortly after we enter the venue all control of myself, thoughts, and actions is lost. However, I remain vividly aware and conscious of the experience as my mind is swept away in a constant thought loop of several major things in my life and consciousness. This state can be likened to being a puppet with strings and the drugs are pulling the strings, there is no control over the experience at this point, my mind has been taken over and I am 'swept up' in the thought loops which can only be described roughly as it was beyond any reasoning or sanity, it was lunacy in it's purest sense.
T + 2:45 - My friends are having a great time except for the fact they are dearly frightened at the state I am in, they know I am 'bugging out' and am not really there at this point. I remember at one point taking bills out of my wallet and trying to set fire to them and my friends and people around realizing how far gone this kid was, this is most likely because this money was stolen from my parents to buy drugs with and my subconcious was speaking up and trying to burn the money at being such a disrespectful and ungrateful child. (My other friend took money from his parents bank account to buy weed with, so it was through him I learned to do this and it was fueled by a heavy marijuana habit and mental addiction to drugs, and being a bad teenager, a troublemaker who didn't weigh whether his actions were right or wrong, and was only concerned with chasing pleasures and catching a good buzz even at the expense of his own parents.) Not much else can be put into words at this point.
T + 3:00 - 6:00 - My mind has fully been swept up into a constant thought loop and I am constanly traversing physically back and forth from the bathroom to the spot on the lawn where my friends are, literally walking back and forth for hours to this spot and the restroom. I recall in the back of my head hearing and seeing people watching me people and commenting "Holy shit this kid is bugged out" "That dude is gone" "He is definitely bugging out". It was as if I was a passenger aboard this train that I had no idea who was controlling it or where it was going, I was stuck in a loop. Two obssessions buried deep in subconcious are the content of the loop and my mind takes turns jumping from one loop to the other. The one loop was my marijuana habit and mental addiction, there was a vision of a transparent bud beating like a hear right above and in front of my head, I would have the word 'nugget' play in my working memory nonstop and simultaneously be watching this clear pulsing nugget of weed in my 'mind's eye' which seemed like a little above and in front of my head. I was mumbling nugget to myself during this time endlessly. The other loop I would jump to upon entering the bathroom and staring in the mirror for some time upon each return from the lawn was that of 'dreadlocks' as I so envied people with long fat dreadies back then. All of our friends and myself thought that dreadlocks were the coolest thing and meant you were a real 'head', no doubt instilled in me from frequenting Phish and Dead shows and envying the style of many 'heads' there. The desire to have dreads was strong due to this. I was pulling and playing with my hair in the mirror and mumbling dreadies walking in and out of the bathroom. I don't know where one loop began and the other ended but it seemed to alternate randomly. The loops were these two obsessions in my subconscious brought into working memory and spun out into lunacy. The whole experience during this time is remembered like I was having a vivid dream, the absence of reality is distinct and seems like a muffled noise outside the walls of this insanity I was experiencing.
T + 6:00 - I have left the show as I was not even aware of the music being played and didn't even like the Allman Brothers to begin with. I am having more rational thoughts now and can make out better what was going on in my mind. Hallucinations if any are besides the point and the mental themes seem to be what I am aware of. I start regretting being here and am realizing the negativeness and wrongness of my actions. My conscious mind is returing to me. I am still tripping hard at this point but after returning from that place of insanity I somehow have a feeling of control over the experience come back. I realize that I am just 'posing' as a hippie and am trying to emulate this way of life and am so infatuated with my appearance and being cool and trying to dress like these people. This idea is strangely reinforced outside the venue when I walk by a person about my age in an Allman Brother's tie die who asks me 'if I have a piece of gum' with what seemed like a very nerdy voice. I immediately had a revelation that this kid had no idea who the Allman Brother's really were or why they played the music they did, and felt sorry for this kid who was probably trying to be cool and find a place among 'hippies' in his school or some other ulterior motive for really being there. Another insight I had upon returning from that awful peak took place just as my conscious thoughts returned. I thought that it was horrible that this could happen to such a young person as myself, and I felt so small and vulnerable and lost and worried as to why people would sell such drugs to people so young and how dangerous what just happened was.
T + 7:00 - I call my father to pick me up and don't even bother trying to find my friends, we were getting separate rides home anyways, at this point I can act and speak 'normal' but visuals, trails, and a sense of inebriation is still strongly present. I can act fine around my dad however when he arrives. There was a feeling of sinking into the ground at this point both walking around and on the car ride home. When I got home I went to my room and prepared to go to sleep with visuals still present as I was seeing stars 'dancing around' on my wallpaper. That night was probably the worst of my life, I was filled with terrible regrets from taking money from my parent's and devising ways to apologize and admit it to them. I also realized how my drug use had made me very selfish and closed off from being a good person, and how mean and negative I was to my sister and how little I spoke with her let alone tried to be a good brother. I felt like a failure as a son and depression set in for the rest of the night and didn't dissipate until I was exhausted in the morning after a sleepless night and the tumble through insanity yesterday. The next day it was revealed that I stole the money and that really crushed my parents especially my mother. However my drug use continued on after that and any insights into my problems and faults was quickly lost in the coming weeks.
After thoughts: I think an experience like this really wrapped me up into the counter culture, inner explorer lifestyle I was trying to emulate and shut me out to the world around me. Being so focused on those thought loops and staring into the mirror in the bathroom no doubt created an obssession with 'hippie' appearance that lasted throughout my first couple years in high school as well as habitual marijuana use. It was not until I went to rehab in my freshman year of college, after having abandoned the 'hippie' lifestyle and quitting marijuana for sometime, but getting heavily into speed, benzos, drinking, and cocaine that made rehab a clear choice to make. Having taken up martial arts when I was 18 and practicing meditation and finding a faith and way of life that is truly positive and healthy, have I come to see why people seek an entheogenic experience for whatever reasons. If I have kids I now realize how important it is to teach them how to be a righteous person and really be aware of what they're kids are involved in especially coming into the teen years. Association with positive role models and friends is crucial for the development of a strong, responsible, and stalwort individual. I am glad that I will tread no further down the path of psychedelic use as that is a road I do not want to see the end of for I know where it leads to.
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