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First trip - 26 f - the world is beautiful.
edited Nov 14 2010.
An 1/8 ingested (some chewed some swallowed). Begin walk through park with R (boyfriend). After about an hour in the woods, I decide I don't feel very comfortable with so many people around so I say let's go back to the car. Before we head back I really need to pee so I decide to go uphill a bit and pee behind a tree. That in itself was difficult as I was kinda stumbling as my trip was starting. I actually peed on my pant leg a little but did not give a fuck at all.
After I peed I was resting and these two Korean ladies asked me if I was ok. I wondered how I looked. I thought I was fine but perhaps they saw me in distress.
Started the walk back. We had actually gotten pretty far when we started heading back so the walk back seemed endless. (I'm not sure how long it took; time is very distorted at this point.) The closer we get to the car, the more trippy I feel. I am constantly thirsty and take a sip of water every two minutes. My stomach is uneasy and I feel nauseous a number of times, wanting to throw up, but thankfully don't.
On the walk back R says I was acting differently (a whole family staring at me at one point because I'd randomly stop and shout something or throw my arms up -- do not remember doing this). It was as if layer by layer, the invisible forces in my life fell away. The need to be quiet or not the focus of attention (why do we need to be quiet?)... Constraints of everyday life (why do I have to give a fuck what people think of me?) fell away. It was like I reverted back to the mental state of someone born brand new -- a being with words and intelligence but a being with a blank slate, no previous understanding of norms or whys or hows so I had to experience,and also process, absolutely EVERYTHING I was seeing in front of me"again", but in a new, very different light. It was intense,overwhelming at times. I just saw what WAS, what existed, what was in front of me. It sounds mundane and obvious but I had never SEEN like this before -- it was as if before this, I had just "kinda" known that trees were outside and people existed and they made companies that manufactured my car... But I never thought about it too much. On this, it was like I couldn't escape it. Stuff was everywhere I looked and everything I looked at, I wanted to process.
At this point the car is my goal. Get to the car, get to the car, don't freak out before then. It was hard just walking straight, because everytime I looked or focused on something it would start morphing in front of my eyes. I had to seriously focus like looking normal when we got out of the trail and saw cops passing by.
The relief I experienced when I got to the car was torrential. I almost didn't even wanna bother getting in -- I reached the car's front hood and wanted to just lay down and cry it was such a relief. But R made me get in and as soon as I did, I yelled and screamed and cried. It was such an overflow of many strong emotions, I couldn't tell you why. I think the full force of EVERYTHING just seemed to hit me at once. Oh my God. Nature was just everywhere, beautiful and thriving. It was so much to handle. I cried for mother nature. I felt so in tune with her. I was part of her, it and I and every other living being and vegetative life on this planet were one and the same. It was so overwhelming and too beautiful for words I just cried at the thought of it all. All the life, the people, the beauty and nature and love and strife that existed in the world.
The best I could describe the other parts of the trip is very much like a merry-go-round. It went from me having to feel very urgently like I had to pee. Then I'd get "distracted" by looking at the trees or clouds outside the window. I couldn't not stare. It was beautiful. The clouds were morphing in front of my eyes into symmetrical shapes -- like those borderless tiles that match up on every side for a seamless look, except it kept morphing. At one point I saw beautiful breasts... just breasts, lovely and full, "breathing" all over the sky. Like I was a baby and I knew that was comfort and nourishment. (Edit 12/02/11: Having tripped several more times since then, shrooms give me the pleasure of re-experiencing some of my most youngest and earliest memories. The thoughts and feelings I had when I was just barely old enough to retain memories come back to visit me. It's an amazing nostalgic feeling. If I hadn't tripped, I doubt I would have remembered those old memories.)
The trees were even more beautiful. I saw the branches growing and shrinking in front of me. I saw lights, purple and red outlines around them, sometimes green, sometimes a rainbow. I saw purple a lot. It was like nature was dancing for me and it never stood still. All the layers fell away as everything I looked at, I focused on very intently. I saw "life" pulsing through absolutely everything. It was extremely hard to focus on something I WANTED to focus on -- like taking my jacket off because it was hot required much of my concentration. (What? I have to pull this stupid zipper down? This is so cumbersome and hard.)
I kicked my shoes off because at the time they seemed like such silly things to have on my feet. Shoes! What the fuck shoes, I don't need you now. Who decided to make you and in those colors anyway. Oh that's right, other people, some of the other 7 billion on this planet.
Back to the merry-go-round. Everything I looked at would morph in front of me. Patterns. The car seat. I saw 4 eyes in R's face, like an alien. 2 H's on my car steering wheel. Anything I stared at was a niche within a niche -- I could get lost in absolutely anything. Patterns would swirl and dance in front of my eyes in real time. The only thing that stopped me is, indispersed within this, I would feel the urgent need to pee or drink. I remember being paranoid that I was going to dehydrate and die. I was also scared I'd pee my pants -- it seemed, suddenly, like a hard thing to control my body and I actually checked myself several times to make sure I hadn't pissed myself.
It was extremely hard to stay grounded with reality. What was reality? Was time really going that slow? (I asked R what time it was and he kept saying 3 something without actually checking the time and that might've had something to do with it). I didn't trust myself and that was very scary. Many times during this merry-go-round I thought I was going crazy. I saw so much beauty and colors and lights and things coming to life in front of me very animatedly but I also saw spirals of darkness -- being able to get lost extremely easily in anything I looked at and not caring (including not caring if I peed my pants; reality didn't seem to exist). I imagined myself locked up in a padded room for crazies, giggling at all the pretty imagery. Since it was my first trip I didn't know this was normal or how long it'd last but I kept reassuring myself it was only temporary. I think a positive mindset and a supportive, experienced tripper would make first-time trippers feel much more comfortable.
I kept feeling the need to pee but as my inhibitions fell away it was like it didn't much matter because everything was so beautiful. The trees growing, nature all around just existing-- for how many millions of years?! and it was growing right in front of me and HOW did I not notice this before? I felt like I was seeing the world anew -- pee or not, the hallucinations were so surreal and trippy that I almost didn't care if I pissed myself. Almost, and I said this to R, and he brought me back to reality with "That wouldn't be nice. You'd have to clean that up and you wouldn't wanna do that, would you?" It was such a relief to hear that and be "brought back" to the real world for a second. I held his hand almost the entire time. I was afraid if I let go I'd spiral into insanity.
I think I took a high dose (for me anyway, since I'm usually pretty sensitive to anything). I saw things that insane people see. I saw why they didn't give a fuck and screamed in public and urinated themselves. Because they don't give a fuck, at the most base level.They see what we as a society are doing without the views that are imposed on us since birth. Why should they care about other people's constraints on them and WHO SAID we "should" be quiet or whatever anyway? The fine line between insanity and brilliance made so much more sense to me. There were many moments I was afraid this merry-go-round effect wouldn't wear off -- would I think like this for the rest of my life and actually have to concentrate really hard to not piss myself? -- and I wanted off, more than once. But I'm extremely thankful to have experienced this.
The phrases I uttered the most while tripping:
"cycle" -- things had a very circular, swirly nature... more below
"this shit is stroooong"
"so beautiful... i am nothing (compared to the beauty and ongoing-ness of mother earth)... i was not prepared..." -- loss of ego.
Many times I feel R pulled me back from insanity and kept me grounded. I felt like time was lying sometimes but at the same time tried to use that as a facet of reality (time doesn't lie,right? or at least, it's not supposed to... it's supposed to be linear!) Like Inception, it was like a totem for me. It made me feel better, until I spiraled into more visuals and got distracted by more clouds or trees or the need to pee or drink. This merry-go-round lasted quite a while. I had doses of insanity with very short bursts of reality (what reality is becomes very hard to tell).
The ride back in the car was extremely weird. It was like the Twilight zone, where roads just seemed to disappear and appear in front of me seamlessly, like the world just wanted to keep me on one path to not let me go to the bathroom (some paranoia was present). I kept asking R what time it was ("You said five minutes five minutes ago!") and I had to calm myself down, convince myself I wasn't just in an endless loop of a car ride, even if those roads DID look incredibly familiar (again) but then I looked at the trees and scenery changing in front of me and it was magical and I forgot the need to pee for a bit again.
Mentally it seemed like I was extremely susceptible. Because it was like I was trying to process everything at once, like a computer, it was as if, if I made a pathway or correlation ("Oh this works THAT way") that would become my reality and the way I would think and behave for the rest of my life. Like a child just learning about the world. When we finally got to his house I ran out of the car barefoot and hopped up and down like a toddler waiting for him to open the door. I bolted inside, had a hard time finding the bathroom again, but found it and pulled down my pants and went, door open and all. Modesty, what's that? You mean usually people don't let the world look at them pee? I knew in the back of my mind this wasn't "normal" but the altered me didn't give two fucks. I had to pee, it was urgent, and so I went with the most limited number of steps to accomplish that -- open door to bathroom, pull down pants, pee. It felt so good I wanted to cry.
After that I was extremely thirsty again so I opened his fridge. It was filled with unfamiliar things and I forgot what I was looking for. Things in there started to do the familiar dance and swirl. I could've opened the fridge and stared at it all day until I remembered my thirst, so I went to the sink and drank from the tap with my hands. A cup? What do I need that for, I'm thirsty NOW. I also marveled at how many modern comforts a home could have, running water anytime we want being one of them... We have so many things to be thankful for.
After I did that I remember being very confused in his house (it was his dad's and I'd only been in there once before) and I was so overwhelmed with all the STUFF and I was so tired that I just laid face down on the rug. I didn't want to deal with "reality" and I kept saying I didn't trust myself, but I felt safe being in a warm home with water and a nearby bathroom so that helped.
Once I felt safe (physically) I stayed in bed with R talking and tripping for the next few hours. We were very philosophical. Art looked magical, the paintings on his walls were a revelation (Oh my God! People actually PAINTED that! For our pleasure and now it's hanging there!). Art made sense and it was amazing to look at. I recommend future trippers to look at art, especially the ones with the never-ending staircases that go upside down, melting clocks and such. (During the trip, time being something that physicists study made much more sense to me. Though I don't think I can explain why or how.)
Throughout this whole thing I'd break down and cry from time to time; for nature and all that mother earth did and provided for us and for how much of a shit I've been to take it for granted. For R because he loved me and I loved him and how glad I was to experience this with him. For my life that I've been wasting on this earth, just spinning my wheels, when mother earth worked so hard to keep me alive and strong and there was so much to do and experience. I saw myself with no filters, no ego, as nothing at times and R said no, you are SOMETHING.
My brain would not shut down. I questioned everything and tried to figure out the meaning of life but that was exhausting because I could not reach an answer. I talked quite a bit. I realized everything is a cycle, a circle, a universe of its own. We are either trying to get really really big (solar exploration) or really small (nano technology). Anything you look at is a little universe including the cells in our body and the atoms that make up those cells. I kept trying to make sense of this, and perhaps I'll reach the end of a universe and discover the meaning of life, but it just led to more universes. Indeed, everything in existence can be defined by our perceptions as orders of magnitude many times larger or smaller than us. This tells me we know very little about anything; there is so much more to learn.
I feel this will have an everlasting impact on my life. When I got back home and looked at my messy room, I realized how much STUFF I have and how I treat it all like shit. I spent the day cleaning. I realized I will just be spinning my wheels unless I have a clear goal in mind for life. I still don't know for sure what I want to do with my life but I know if I don't decide, the problem won't go away; I will just be spinning my wheels, wasting life and taking up space, or someone else will use me for their purpose. I refuse to let that happen.
addendum: I believe that the older one is when first taking shrooms, the more your mind will be blown. An older person has much more preconceived notions about the world and how it works, people, and their own ideas about life and its meaning. R first took shrooms when he was 15. I was 26. He didn't have the revelations that I had until he had matured some more and gained more life experience.
If anyone would like to discuss the more psychological effects shrooms can have on a person or would like to share a similar experience, pm me. I would love to talk about it, it's quite fascinating (username: maitai).