It was Thursday August 12th, I had 3.5g on hand of my own home grown mushrooms. I was itching to try them as the only thing I've tried before was MDA/MDMA. When I was first going to try them my friends said, do the full 8th, but the night of everyone was saying do ~2.5g. About a year ago my cousin died and I really haven't been right since, things just seem to not work out for me as hard as I try to keep my head up.
I've been writing a book, before I ever did any heavy drugs. It's about linking psychology to physics through chemistry. It talks about theoretical physics, space/time, general relativity, gravity, multi-dimensional universes, god, dreams, you, who you are, and where you are in all of this. I was hoping this would help me really get a grip on it. I've talked to a few people about a few of my ideas and everyone gets overwhelmed and doesn't want to hear it. I feel like the stories I read about people on drugs experience things I write about and I wanted my own shot at it.
this is my story...
It was suppose to be a good night, we were going to the southern part of the state to a girls horse farm to watch the Perseids meteor shower. It was right after sunset when I walked out of the house and saw clouds, ..great..here we go. I was like what the fck this could either clear up or end up shtty. I was trying to be optimistic like always. He called me and told me the usual, 'I don't know many I think we are going to the club tonight.' In my head I was thinking, 'are you kidding me?' but said ok call me after. I called up my friend Stacy to come over and said, 'hey I'm gonna be all messed up on shrooms by the time you get here.'
I sat down and munched about 3.7g and had some orange juice. Normally I don't drink OJ because of my stomach, I don't know why I did. She showed up and we just sat in my room for a few minutes. My stomach was not liking that OJ...
I put on 'The Big Lebowski' because I watched it 'quite a few' times in the past month, probably over 100 times, I don't know why. I was trying to get my head into something that I knew. But within' 15min of eating the caps, I was feeling odd, and like I couldn't get my body temp right. I'd put on a blanket and then take it of a minute later. I just didn't want to be there. My stomach was feeling weird and I really didn't want to yak in front of my mother so I said to her lets get out of here and take a walk...
My brother lives about 10 houses down, and he was over there getting the place ready to move in. As soon as we rounded the first corner to his house I looked at a telephone pole to my left and it appeared to be normal visually, but something just didn't feel right. It looked fine but it felt like it was towering over me. The house behind it, the tree line behind that, and the sky and clouds, looked all like a stage set. Almost like they were flat cutouts on a stage spaced out to create depth. Everything was vibrant, crisp, and sharp, but at the same time perfectly blended together into this thing we call reality. We continued walking down the road and I knew I had to yak and just get if over with. I walked up to my brothers house, he was in the front living room. He looked out the front door and said, 'What you doing?' of course I said 'tripping ballz.' I told Stacy to wait inside because I was going to go throw up and I didn't need her to hold my hand through it. I went around the corner under a tree and said, 'ok here.' And out it came..
I went through his house to the back yard to lay down and look up at the sky, there were some clear patches but no 'shooting stars.' I had him shut off his 11 flood lights (he lives against a park with wild animals) I have very sensitive eyes and hate light as it is. I gave her my phone to hold because I hate having things in my pockets and I laid down on the grass and just looked up at the heavens. We were talking and I kept saying, 'you don't see all the color in the sky?' She said no. It looked like an Armageddon sky, a nuclear sky, something like hell would look like, it was sick! It was crimson with a lot of dark clouds and some patches of clear sky and a few stars. I got restless and started walking around while talking to her, I walk and talk fast as it is, I do it even faster on MDA/MDMA, but I was doing it twice as fast as that even. I was telling her I felt like I was in a dream. I was walking circles and orbiting her while talking, then I'd stop lay down and feel the warm Earth against me. Honestly when you get older you don't get that close to the ground much. I kept going to behind his to try and throw up some more, and like a drunk girl at a party would say, I told her, 'try not to listen.' I don't know, there are just something I don't feel comfortable doing around girls that is one of them. I laid back down on the Earth and looked up again, I kept forgetting about the meteor shower. I felt as if the lower half of my body melted in to the ground, I instantly only felt my body until the my rib cage and then the rest sunk below to blend into the Earth. I just looked up and relaxed. I kept forgetting I was breathing but I was fine with that as I was just trying to slip away into a relaxed state. When I closed my eyes I saw colors and 'trippy' shapes, and commented to her about now I see where people who paint 'trippy' art get there ideas. But I started getting anxious, I wanted to see some 'shooting stars!' I looked up and the trees around me started leaning in on me and closing in. I liked it, it was a little scary but fun, like watching a scary movie or going on a sketchy amusement park ride. The sky was still dark and gloomy like before. I looked up like you do when your a kid to make shapes out of clouds and I saw the outline of a devils face, except the cloud literally turned into that, like he opened up his bag of hell and peaked in and we were just looking back up at him. I got up and walked around again only to end up laying down again, this time when I looked up, I felt as if I was in a glass dome looking up and it looked the edges of the sky bent at the angles to close around me, but very away. Everything leaned in again, it was getting fun. I felt like I was in a Tim Burton movie. At this point my brother was leaving and put the lights back on for the night. All the lights beamed way out into his field of a yard so you could see the tree line at the end of the property. The lights made triangle shaped beams on the ground, and at the edges of them all they started to break down like a spectrum, except only with a mix of green and red. It looked cool, I knew my pupils were huge at this point.
I've told this story a few times and have been thinking about writing it, and to this day I cannot begin to figure out how to describe how his grass looked. I literally felt like I was on an alien planet. I was the first human there and his house was my spacecraft and the only light was the bright lights from it shooting out into this new world I was exploring. I was moving around a lot now, and was walking to the edge of the light where the trees were wondering if I should venture in and see what secrets it holds. I didn't mostly because there were many people out in the fields behind the trees in the park also trying to watch the meteor shower. They had flash lights and would sometimes use them to move around. When this would happen I would get a feeling like there was an animal out there and the lights were from the reflection in it's eyes. I remember thinking 'oh sht! Is there a dragon out there, should I go out and slay this dragon?' I didn't end up going though. There is a large 'dent' in the ground where I removed an in-ground pool for my brother. It's a large dip of white sand surrounded by a sea of full green grass. I started to skip around it, and Stacy said, 'did you remove a pool?' And I said, 'can't we be kids for one night?' I started getting into it saying, 'doesn't this look like a huge crater, like a meteor came down and smashed right here!' She was just laughing at me. After that I got bored and was like nothing is happening here lets get out of here. When I went to leave the yard, I made a comment about how I felt to her. I physically felt like I did emotionally, when we left he yard I felt as if I had to put on all my emotional baggage and take it with me. Physically felt like a had a heavy backpack on and the whole thing went with me.
As soon as we got to the road, I was like damn I don't want to be here I shouldn't have left that happy little universe to venture out into the unknown deep space like this. She said, 'oh we can go back,' I said no lets just continue on but we'll take the long way home. I walked by my old elementary school and she was like right on my heels. I said, 'you don't have to follow me so close.' I knew I was zig-zagging as I felt like I was drunk except I was very alert. I was dizzy but I pressed on holding my stomach. I kept saying, 'remind me next time, no orange juice... and no peanut butter.' I took this route because we wouldn't run into people, I really didn't feel like dealing with anyone else. I looked around at the houses and said, 'damn, I live in a scary looking neighborhood.' I felt like I was in a dream again, except this time it was a nightmare. I was getting anxious again because I didn't know what I was going to do because everyone was home at my house and I didn't need my mother asking questions. We rounded the corner back to my house and once again I started making shapes with the clouds. I blinked and it once again became real. This time it was the Eye of Horus, it ripped through the sky like a comet flying right towards Earth ready to end our existence literally taring the sky apart with a flaming and smoking trail behind it. I blinked again and was back to reality. It was like my mind would see something and just runaway with the thought and I was just there for the ride. When you get older you train your mind to focus but I felt like a had a child's imagination again.
So we get to my house and my mother was talking to me out the window as we were getting in Stacy's car. I could still talk but I was relaxed in an almost drunken 'buzzed' state, but I was very coherent. I was talking loudly bitching about the city I live in now (which is a whole 'nother story.) And Stacy kept saying, 'just get in the car.' I went to get in the car and I noticed the useless backseat. I got out came to the conclusion, instead of being a coupe, they tried to design the car to be a hatchback. Except there was literally no trunk. I was like fine lets get out of here before I get sick again. So I said, 'ok lets get in this damn spaceship and get out of here.' My mother called me a 'goober' from the window and I reluctantly climbed aboard.
As soon I got in felt like I was in a casket, I'm not claustrophobic but it felt tight. I started breathing a little heavy. Then all of a sudden, boom! She started the car and flipped all the dash lights on, and it felt like someone dropped the car underwater with the sunroof open. I looked amazing, it looks great when you sober but it literally looked like mission control in there. The problem was the lights instantly put a pressure on my body. Like I the pressure of water against you when your at the bottom of a deep pool. I was just trying to breath. I couldn't get back out of the car because we had no where to go in this area. So I just tried to hold on and get to somewhere else.
Every time we left an area I was comfortable with, I felt like we were astronauts leaving mother Earth and going out trying to find a new planet to inhabit but there was no guarantee that we would find something or ever be able to get back. It was a risk.
The thing about Stacy is, as much as I love her as a person, she does a lot of things I hate. One of these things I hate when people do is, in a group or whatever, everyone has that 'lets do something' vibe. Except they have no idea what to do and someone has to step up like me and say lets do this and they all just go with it. I really didn't feel like doing this tonight though. I didn't want to go to her house so she said I know a place to take you, but wouldn't tell me where. I was down for an adventure and we were off.
We started driving and pasted my old high school, I was like a baby, I kept putting things in my mouth and breathing against them for whatever reason. I was barefoot and had my feet on the dash and was like sitting back in the chair playing with the seat belt. Then my phone rang, and it was my friend Sarah, she said she was gonna call me after she got out of work. I was yelling at the phone as things were flying by like we were traveling at warp speed. I was just bitching about something everything and of course the stars and how it was cloudy. I think I was even bitching about my mother to here, and for some reason I started to talk about me and her. I mean we're friends and what not but I really can't figure it out, she has a boyfriend but we hang out all the time and we just vibe like we're into each other. So after a minute of that I told her I'd talk to her tomorrow, I was thinking in my head I should shut up before I say something dumb I'll regret. Plus Stacy was there and I know she likes me so I didn't want to be an ass.
At this point, I'm like 'where the hell are we going?' I was probably yelling. She said oh it's a secret and I started to get worked up and finally we pulled up to this field. And I said 'are you serious? This field is surrounded by houses and there are mad people there trying to watch the stars!' She was like 'oh sorry.' I said, 'lets just go to your house.' I laughed under my breath and shook my head, I said, 'you have the worst ideas.' [You see I'm nice to my friends and girls who are nice to me, but I'm really an asshle and am really mean, except they don't know that. And we argue about dating because of it, and it always ends with me saying, you really don't even know me] She kept apologizing and said fine we'll go back to my house. She is a little older than me and owns her own house.
So we start going towards her house. You see in my city there is a huge airport surrounded by suburban hell. So to get from where we were to her house we had to go all the way around the damn airport. I live in Rhode Island, the smallest state, here people with bitch and complain about a 10 minute drive like it's a damn road trip. We like things small here. So I am pissed off in the passenger seat with RI syndrome. I wanted to be at her house that exact second. It starts getting more intense now and I really can't figure out where we are even though sober I know my local roads very very well. We finally get on a main road and I started bitching, 'why are you going this way?' I really couldn't remember where she lived at this point. She just moved a few months back but my mind just wasn't working and I couldn't figure out where her house was. As where driving I looked at the clock and it said whatever time it was and I looked away. I was playing with my seat belt and then all of a sudden it felt like it wasn't attached to anything. Like the ends let go and I was holding just a strip of nylon belt. I then snapped my mind back and thought, ok this is still attached somehow, there is no way it would just let go. I guess I looked back at the clock because it said the same time, although I felt like I 10minutes had passed since I first looked. So I started bitching about how the clock says the same time as it did 10 minutes ago even though I was probably wrong. I was bitching about the driving time, and tried to explain to her what I was feeling so maybe she'd sympathize with me or something. I told her it looks like were driving on rainbows and stuff. I remember thinking I'll never look at a rainbow the same after this. It actually looked more like, light was a green/red/brown/yellowish color, and the dark spots between the street lights were dark clouds of shadows. I felt like the we were in a plane flying through black smog clouds. In front of us was a new black Jeep Liberty in front of us that appeared to be floating off the pavement towards us. I knew it wasn't happening but I sure looked and felt like it. At one point I closed my eyes as I had the seat belt near my face and I saw what looked like jellyfish swimming, but glowing in tie-dye color patterns with their bio-luminescent. If you ever have seen the deep sea dives where there is no light and they shine the lights on the jelly fish and because they are clear it looks like rainbows are shooting up the sides, you have an idea of what I'm talking about. And let me stress idea there.. I start bitching about time again like before, except I start yelling, 'can we get to your house already, we have been in this car for 3 years!'
So as where driving in this dark, gloomy city I see cops pulled in the right lane up ahead. I say, 'cops ahead.' And for whatever reason she switches to the right lane, then realizes they are there and goes back to the left. She's a good driver, but I start going of about what just went through her head. Cops pull to the side of the road why would you go towards them? But whatever I'm sure she had enough to deal with with me in the passenger seat. The cops had this dude against the car, with hands on holsters. My mind starts to race again, I felt as if I was in Gothom city and I'd see flaming 55g drum barrels with fires in them soon. I really felt like the the Joker was going to fly by us in the other direction chasing Batman in the Batmobile. I mean I really felt it! Start up with the we've been in this car for 3 years again but she did the the only thing she could do drive safe and the speed limit.
We start taking the final turns in, and I'm still baffled as to where she lives. Then I recognize the light right before her road. We came from a road that I don't normally take but I recognized the intersection and adjacent baseball field. We pull in the driveway and I take my backpack in and put it on the table. I get in her room and invite her dog in. I love dogs so I tell him get on the bed as usual. I was still in a dizzy like a drunk state as I try to turn the TV on and find something good. I looked in the mirror and I saw myself. I think looking at yourself is weird as it is but it just felt odd then. If you've ever seen Prodigy's video 'smack my bitch up,' at the end when she looks at herself in the mirror it looked exactly like that. The TV ended up on something I thought was acceptable and I laid down. She had the A/C on as usual. I stripped down to some gym shorts and jumped in her bed. She closed the door and got in the bed.
I believe she put Futurama on, which is my favorite show (second is Top Gear.) I liked that, I like when my friends do little things for me like that. It doesn't happen often. I was jumping from on top of the comforter to below trying to get the right feeling. I am very picky when it comes to being comfortable, tonight was no exception.
I have watched every episode of Futurama many many, many times. I could probably tell you the name of the episode and everything that happens in it from only seeing 1 frame of the episode. But things that were happening on the screen that I was seeing, was nothing like ever before. People on the screen were missing, colors were all wrong, I couldn't understand what was going on with it. This is where everything breaks down into 4 realities, the room I was in, the show on the TV, Stacy in her bed, and in my head. I started getting cold and hot flashes, sweating, hyperventilating, I kept trying to watch my breathing to keep it on track. I told her I think I was having a panic attack. It was scary but I liked it. I kept drifting into my own mind which seemed to make everything more intense.
The corner of the room shot up higher than the rest of the room and the walls looked angled. Shadows and colors from the TV made it look like a design of light dancing on the walls. Her fan started come in close to us and her cloth blinds moved like a waterfall showering sparkles into the room and on us. Her room doesn't have a border along the top but it looked like it for a second, then the design I was seeing for the border became a 3d shape all the way around the room. When I was touching my face I felt like my hands weren't mine and that when I put them against my face I felt as if they just went straight through it.
I tried to get back into the TV and the real world but when I did that everything started to back to normal reality. I remember thinking I could get out of this and get lost in a show but instead I chose to fall into my own unknown. At this point Family guy was on and all the colors were wrong, things were coming out of nowhere on the screen. Then I started to hear again, it was English, and the proper dialect, but I couldn't understand it. I would break out of that and look at her and everything was blurry, her face was changing shape and she was talking to me. Except I couldn't hear her, then I would hear it but it would be super fast, sometimes it was broken. I kept changing from the room, to the TV, to her, to my mind. She was texting someone and I remember thinking I couldn't imagine another person even existing, let alone all there problems in life. The single room was the only thing that existed, and anything out of it was in another universe. I kept talking about the meteor shower and my buddy calling me after getting out of the club but I soon realized, I couldn't handle it, and just called the whole thing off. I couldn't figure out what time it was or what was going on.
All of a sudden Stacy was gone. And I had no idea what to do or where she was. Then out of nowhere a dog appeared at the end of the bed, 'wait..oh yea.' I was looking at the door wondering if I should go get her or what, it felt like forever. I calmed myself back down and she eventually came back into the room. I really really just wanted to pass out, I remember thinking I just want to black out and wake up in a reality where time was what it normally was, whatever that was. I couldn't fathom a normal 60 interval based time system. I knew it existed, I just had no idea what it was like. I felt like I was stuck in purgatory. I remember I was in a cold sweat and I had my right hand against my head, and the left I put to the wall for a second, but when I removed it to place it back on my head, it was stuck to the wall, it became part of the wall. I lost feeling in my lower body again and now I was loosing my upper limbs.
I was smiling and crying at the same time, it was every emotion at once. I started thinking about what I was doing in life and started talking about how life sucks and there is no point in doing things you don't want. Then I got irrational and started talking about taking my guns and robbing things and starting my own country and crazy thoughts and a bunch of other crazy stuff I don't want to get into.
We decided on bed at this point, but before I went to bed, I remembered the next day I had told my friend I would pick him up at 9am I believe and later that day I had to catch a 3pm train to Boston to catch a STS9 rave my buddy really wanted me to experience. I was panicking though. I kept telling her and checking my alarm, she said I have to get up at 7am so she had it under control. I kept saying I need to meet Josh at 9am whenever that is, I couldn't understand time. Reality and time was a place and it was in another universe from where I was. She then said, ok drop me off at 8am and come back here and take my car or we can get your car at 7am. I couldn't figure out what she was saying it was so complicated. I couldn't even imagine owning my own car or what it was, or driving hers. I remember thinking what is 7am? Should I get up now and go, is that right, like it was gonna happen whenever I made it happen.
I snapped back into a little reality as my friend texted me, the screen was all glowing with green and red outlines just everything else, I texted back but my fingers weren't where I thought they were, but it was working. I couldn't handle it and closed the phone and closed my eyes. All of sudden I kept remembering to breath, like I forgot for a minute. My heart was racing. I knew wanted to go as deep as I could into my depression and beat it. It was complete agony... I started talking about my cousin [Stacy knew him also] and about everyone in my life and how life sucks, and I remember saying to her multiple times 'nothing will make me happy anymore.' I meant it. She was kind of just taking it all in. Me and my mother have been butting heads, and I told her I just every time I saw her I just wanted to hold her and cry. At that exact moment I felt like someone dieing on an operating table, I felt like I was going into cardiac arrest while having a seizure, with everyone just looking down and there was nothing they could do. For some reason I just wanted to tell her I was suicidal, I don't know why. I probably was at that moment. She has a black and white comforter with flowers stitched in. I remember I closed my eyes except I still saw it as if they were open. And the flower started changing shape like a kaleidoscope. I was starting to get sucked into my head like I was getting pulled under water. That's when all of a sudden, everything folded up into 2 dimensions. I could only imagine her and I in a line flat and nothing past her because her image blocked it. The room didn't exist either it was on another dimensional plane. Then it all folded up into one. I was trapped inside my own head. In reality you can close your eyes and cover your ears, but here there was nothing I could do, it was all there, and there was nothing I could do to protect myself. My only connection to realty was breathing, and it was coming in and out. It was just mental existence just getting rained on and weighed down by every bad thing in my life.
Unfortunately this part is very hard to explain, I will try my best. I started having thoughts of every ones life in higher dimensions and about good and bad feelings, and it's all balanced out. I hate to use a Matrix reference, but I felt like ever atom which moves around in the world and when certain groups of atoms come into contact with others it can warp space/time and things are bridged between dimensions. Unlike what I previously thought, I felt you have a soul which cannot die, but it can be moved to higher dimensions when freed from your body. That's the best I can do, everything that happened in the moment.. you had to be there.
Trapped in my head, I mad a decision, the only way out of this was to hold my breath, which I had to concentrate on doing, until I died. Although we know you just pass out you resume breathing. I made the decision to escape this I was going to just hold my breath until I died. I wasn't sure I could do it at first, but then I made the choice to stop and I did. It was like a near death experience and I chose to go towards the light rather than back to mind. And that's when I died in Stacy's arms. It wasn't that I gave up, it was that I ran straight into the fire and came out the other side. I came out a different person. It was like being in the middle of the ocean and thinking no one is going to find you and trying to drown yourself so you didn't have to float around in agony for days. Although I never fully understand why people do things, I respect them. I think I finally understand why people cut themselves for pleasure.
Instantly I was back, everything started to unfold back into 2 dimensions, then eventually 3. Things that were lit, still glowed and my mind was a little fuzzy but I was back. I felt like I reached the end and I was shown a new beginning. I died and was reborn. Stacy asked what the first thing I wanted to do when I got back home, I said 'tell my mother I love her. And my father too probably.' I felt like I wanted to get back and finish college and get a job, get my life in order. She had The Notebook, on the DVR so we watched the better parts of that and after that she made me some food and eventually dropped me off. She asked me if I would do it again, at first I wasn't so sure, but within a minute of thinking I said, if I had another 8th I'd take it right now.
I had a few panic attacks pretty soon after, nothing crazy just everything was overwhelming. I dream like crazy now, I use to have semi-lucid dreams, otherwise none at all. Now I dream vividly and uncontrollably. Throughout the day I get vivid flashbacks to dreams I haven't had in years.
People tell me about good trips they have, I couldn't even imagine what a good trip is. I tell people my story and they say they couldn't imagine having a bad one. Some people have told me they kind of want to have a bad trip now to experience it. To them I say this, it's not for the faint of heart, you will find out a the most you ever will about yourself, but it will be your deepest darkest evils. If you have ever watched 'What dreams may come,' when he goes to hell to find his wife and the guide talks about getting trapped in the hell she has created within' her own mind. That is the truth about a truly bad trip.
Your life is in your hands, since all of this I work out everyday, appreciate little things more, and am getting my life back in order. I needed to get an intense year, and a lifetime of emotion out, and I loved it, every agonizing second of it. It was my therapy, around my family I try to be a shoulder to lean on, but I also have to get my anger out too, I also need my time to cry.
“I hope everyone eventually rests in peace, because God knows we have no chance in living in it.” I died and was reborn Friday the 13th and I'm not going to waste this second chance...